Holy Men

"In dangers, in doubts, in difficulties, think of Mary, call upon Mary. Let not her name depart from your lips, never suffer it to leave your heart. And that you more surely obtain the assistance of her prayer, neglect not to walk in her footsteps. With her for a guide, you shall never go astray; while invoking her, you shall never lose heart; so long as she is in your mind, you are safe from deception; while she holds your hand, you cannot fall; under her protection you have nothing to fear; if she walks before you, you shall not grow weary; if she shows favor to you, you shall reach your goal."

St. Bernard (from Saint of the Day)

Bernard lived in very tough times and not only made the best of it, he excelled. He did whatever the Lord asked of him and lead by example. He's still leading by example over 800 years after his death. I have to ask the question: Where are the Holy Men now?

I'll tell you where they are; You can find them in a parish, leading a flock that is quite possibly more diverse and scattered than at any time in church history. It is a sad but true fact that some priests have drifted far from tradition but yet, most catholics today don't even know the difference. We who have either re-discovered or never left the traditional ways can only look on in sadness. Holy Men can be found in the monasteries, some cloistered, praying alone and together, helping to hold the world from flying apart. These are the men we in the secular world hardly ever see; men, living together, living a life with God that hasn't changed much in hundreds and hundreds of years. Holy men all.

And then their are the semi-celebrity Holy Men on the airwaves. We know who they are and on a whole they are the closest thing we have today to Holy Men who are known around the country, and some, around the world. Our Pope is a very Holy Man, but in a different category than the rest; he's the Pope. And then there is the laity, who balance the world of men with the world of heaven, a balancing act made more difficult in these stressful times. It is not easy to remain focused totally on Our Lord and God when worldly matters infringe. The trying-to-be-Holy Man makes a remarkable attempt to give everything to God, his every thought and action, his complete love and all his doubts, but the world (satan?) screams at him, and temptations surround him, both inside and out.

We are all called to be Holy Men, and Holy Women. When the sun shines you-know-who seems far away, although he is just deceiving us. We are filled with the love of God, and are ready to love every neighbor we see. When the darkness comes, and the darkness takes so many different guises, I'll try to not fall too far, to remember our Blessed Virgin Mother, cry to Her for help, beg to bring to me the Holy Spirit, to help me to not become like I was before, just a man who gives into every trial as if I had no strength, as if giving into the path of darkness was easier and better than reaching for the light. I don't want to fall any more, and if I do I wish to rise again quickly, knowing that my Master has given me His Hand, the Hand that holds out to me His strength and His love.

Oh, Blessed Virgin Mother, I cry to you

again,

and again.

I ask you to call upon your Son,

Our Lord,

to help hold me before my fall

for He knows well my weakness

and my lowly nature.

Joys and Sorrows

Wednesday evening our Secular Franciscan fraternity met for Evening Prayer, which was also the Feast of St. Clare. As I explained in my previous post we meet for E.P. every Wednesday evening, usually just a few of us. As we hoped, more brothers and sisters came, and even some non-Franciscans, which was great. In all, about 30 people. Now, I don't want to complain, I really don't, and I wish to high heaven that I just had broad enough shoulders to let certain events just roll off me, to not push my stress button. Some things though, cannot go unquestioned. After E.P. members of our council had a small table set up with fruit, cheese, crackers and juice in the very center of the church! When I saw this I actually felt a pain in my chest. To tell you the truth, I was embarrassed before God for this act. I sat next to Helen, stunned. She just gave me a look, and I knew she was fuming. I thought, if they had to have this table set up, why not do it in the back of the church, in the small area between the main doors and entering the church proper? As I stewed, what came to mind was Jesus in the temple, throwing out the money changers. Helen left almost right after the readings, I said hello to a couple of people, but felt guilty even doing that. Loud voices rose around me, another social event inside our church. Will we ever learn? Am I wrong?

On a lighter note, (finally) yesterday was the Feast of St. Maximilian Kolbe. H and I were blessed to celebrate Mass at St. Joseph's Church in Wood's Hole MA. The priest there is very Marian, and the only times I've been there I've been asked to do the readings, even though I've only been there twice. I felt honored but also a little embarrassed. I asked Susan, the woman who is sort of in charge if their was no one else to read and she said no, not really, whoever shows up on Saturday. Give me a signal if you need me, I told her and left it at that. Both times the signal came. How she knew I was even a lector, I'll never know.

Today is the Solemnity of The Assumption Of The Blessed Virgin Mary. Helen re-consecrated to Our Mother after Mass this morning. I knelt beside her in front of the Tabernacle as she recited the beautiful words, and my heart leapt as she ended her prayer with the singing of Ave' Maria. My reconsecration occurs in December, on the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

I pray I will be so loving.

Feast of St. Clare

The hand of the Lord strengthened her, she will therefore be blessed forever.
Antiphon 1, Morning Prayer
Today is The Feast of St. Clare of Assisi, Virgin. The Church call it a memorial on the calendars, but in our Proper Offices of Franciscan Saints and Blesseds In The Liturgy Of The Hours (for use with the One-Volume Edition of "CHRISTIAN PRAYER") it is called a Feast. And for us it truly is being a Secular Franciscan AND our Fraternity is The Saint Clare Fraternity! This is a big one for us. Every Wednesday night we gather in the church at 7:00pm for Evening Prayer. Usually in the summer there is only about 6 or 7 of us who make it. Tonight we're hoping for more members to come and join us in Prayer. We posted it in the bulletin to be open for all (which it is anyway), but we wanted to make sure everyone knew. We'll see who shows.
The holy virgin, Clare, denying her very self and taking up her cross, followed the Lord
Jesus, the bridegroom of virgins.
CANTICLE OF ZECHARIAH
Clare embraced the idea of poverty and humility completely, following Francis in his pursuit of perfection in Christ Jesus. Her life of middle class nobility in Assisi would have been one of leisure and fancy, but she gave it all up to follow Francis, to follow Our Lord. She died to self, and never looked back. A holy woman whom Bishops, Cardinals and even Popes came to for advice. Today we celebrate the inspirational life of Clare. Today we contemplate her love of Christ.
Today we feast.
Peace and All Good!

Evil close at hand

I've had a hard time even beginning the post. The events that took place only a mile and a half from where I work, the mass killings of innocent workers, for whatever reason or reasons have left me and many others numb. So many questions are running through my head right now along with images of what actually went down to images of grief. I am numb. this could have happened anywhere. Within a three mile diameter of Hartford Distributors are many, many

And that's as far as I've gotten.

What took place there was cold-blooded murder and an evil that is hard to comprehend. A man is forced to resign from his job, agrees, then pulls out a gun and coolly kills eight of his fellow workers, mostly with shots to the head. Lots of talk of racism, but that is no matter, not really. What I think I'm feeling is my utter helplessness in the face of such evil. What can I do? What can I do in my workplace, in my world, to prevent what usually starts out as something small from escalating into a monstrosity?

Nothing, really.

So many lives shattered, never to be the same. Such words that in the context of this event are used but are so small, so helpless. I was not there. I knew none of the people killed. I didn't know the shooter. But something was ripped from me that morning, maybe an innocence, I don't know, but something. This tragedy could happen anywhere. It's a fragile thread that holds us all together in workplaces, different men and women coming together to work as one and make a living. And then evil steps in. Why? How can evil raise his head so high that the Sun of Light gets blocked out? The answer I guess is free will, though it seems too easy, almost a cop-out. I get angry at people too, but never like that. I know God's way are unfathomable to us, and I mustn't bang my head against the wall too hard. I will continue to pray for everyone who lost their lives, including the one who pulled the trigger. And the families and friends who remain, I will pray for them, too. I'll ask God again for the grace to understand more of His ways, to pray for comprehension, and for the gift to accept that I will never understand, ever. I, we, are here to shine our small light into dark places, even into places that seem so dark, so evil. I will move on from here, from this week. I'll watch as one by one the victims are laid to rest and I will continue to pray, for this, that, and for what is to come.

May God watch over the souls of the faithful departed.

May they rest in peace.

Amen.

Challenge/Gifts

How the beginning of another Monday can throw us off, especially me. I knew today was a Franciscan Feast Day, August 2, Our Lady of The Angels of Portiuncula, but morning dawned and Morning Prayer came and went and I did the readings for St. Eusebius. I'm sure it was because I was alone, Helen being away doing a changeover. Tonight was our Evening Rosary, so I went early and did Evening Prayer in the church, in part to honor St. Francis and his love for Our Blessed Virgin Mother. Francis loved the church of St. Mary at Portiuncula, having begun his Order there, watched it grow from there, and in the end, flew from this earth from there.

Francis to his friars: "See to it, my sons, that you never leave this place. If you are driven out by one door return by the other for this is truly a holy place and God's dwelling. Here when we were few the Most High increased our number; here he inflamed our wills with the fire of his love. He who prays here with devout heart will obtain his request, and he who offends here will be punished more severely. Therefore, my sons, consider the place of God's dwelling worthy of all honor and with all your hearts, with loud cries of joy and thanksgiving praise the Lord in this place." - from the writings of Friar Thomas of Celano

There was nothing easy about Francis life. He was constantly challenged by the temptations of the world, his brother friars and by Our Lord himself. Long hours in prayer contemplating the fate of his growing Order and the direction other brothers were taking it. Challenges, all of them. In todays Gospel, Jesus challenges his disciples to .."give them some food yourselves." And of course, for whatever reason, they can only shake their heads and say "Five loaves and two fish are all we have here." The Gospel doesn't say what kind of look was on Jesus' face when the disciples told him that. We can only use our imaginations and place ourselves there, maybe as Peter, holding the fish in his worn weathered hand, James with a basket with the bread, looking to Jesus for an answer. And Jesus, realizing that the time for them was not yet (but He knew!), shakes his head and smiles, saying "Bring them here to me." From here everything must have become, to the disciples, surreal; Jesus raises his eyes to heaven and says a blessing, breaks the loaves and gives them back to his disciples who run and give them to the crowd. and they keep running, bringing more and more bread and fish. Christ challenges them to have faith in him and when they don't he does the impossible, in truth saying, Look, see what can be done when you have faith in me! When you believe! The impossible becomes possible!

How often in my daily life am I presented with problems, when I'm challenged by this world, challenged by Our Lord. How often I turn away and try to fix problems on my own, that in itself is an old and tired life story of mine. Lately, though, I think I have slowed down some, and I've come to see that even with all the aggravations that work can bring, money issues and health problems of loved ones I can see great graces that God gives to me each and every day. Small things to you perhaps, but gifts beyond measure for me. And God has given me the grace to see these things instead of my being blind to them.

The other day I read an article taken from The Spirit of Medjugorje, Vol.15, May 2002. It was entitled "The Swap." The article explains that the swap is giving your troubles, worries, and intentions to our Heavenly Mother, while you pray for Her intentions-the conversion of unbelievers, peace in the world, priests, youth, healing of the sick, etc. The original message came to Ivan, one of the visionaries in Medjugorje during his prayer group, when Our Lady's message was "Dear Children, give Me all your worries, all your problems. Then your heart will be free to pray. And pray for My intentions." Last Friday my Dad went into the hospital for quadruple bypass surgery. I'll tell you, I was sick with worry. I could not handle all the thoughts going through my mind. He's never been sick like this before. He is the rock. But even he showed some wear during this time of trial. The night before his operation Helen gave me the article to read. I was tired, but I finished it and without much thought, went to sleep. The next morning on my way to work, right after I finished my rosary the full realization of the article swept over me. Our Lord was asking us to have faith, to give Him everything through His Mother, Our Mother, to love him and believe. I immediately gave up my entire Rosary intention, and especially to guide the hand of the surgeon working on my Dad, to Her. And then I just prayed a bit for problems that are so beyond me I cannot fathom, but knowing that my problems were in Her, and Her Son's hands. Today is Monday evening, and my Dad might be going home tomorrow. Like I said before, I've been given gifts these last few days, gifts of grace that have helped me and others in so many ways.

God is good, alleluia, alleluia.

O Mary, you lovingly receive the prayers of mortal men,

look upon us your suppliants,

be ever at our side.

Hymn from Evening Prayer

Summer

The summer for us usually is not a time for relaxing and laying back, re-charging the batteries, etc. It's our most hectic time of the year. Tough to find is the quiet time to spend with Our Lord, a few moments to sit on a large grey rock and say the Rosary or to just think about the day. To survive in this world one must push on to get ahead. And so it seems. I know my mindset is like that at most times, from morning till night; this needs doing, plants need watering, a lawn calls to the mower, where you been? The whole thing can easily get away from someone (like me). Fortunately my wife Helen helps to keep me grounded, helps to bring me back around to the Truth when stuff, the everyday stuff begins to overwhelm me. I'm still under the way of thinking that I can take care of all problems first, and ask the Lord for help later. Very rarely do I, when confronted with a problem, take a deep breath, speak to Our Lord or the B.V.M, and ask for help or guidance, to put the whole problem in their hands, and then to listen in silence. My wanting to help sidetracks me to places I don't want to go, don't belong. Helen addresses almost everything in the same way; Lord Jesus, Blessed Mother, what do you want of me? Show me the way. She is so grounded in her faith and love of God that I'm like a small child, tagging along, who mostly whines and cries.

Woe to me, mother, that you gave me birth!

a man of strife and contention to all the land! Jeremiah 15:10

I don't know if I'm a man of strife and contention to all the land, but I think I am to myself. At times my internal world is so uneasy, a seeming battleground of tensions and images, that, where I not somewhat grounded, not focusing on things above, I could not remain where I am. I find the pull of this world, well, not strong, but perhaps overwhelming. It is everywhere, and to me, it is not good. When I do find the time to quiet down the inside, when prayer comes in its fits and starts, I long for a more peaceful life for the two of us. The long hours at work have taken their toll and the Lord is calling. Perhaps a life in a Franciscan community, or maybe start one ourselves. I place it in the hands of Our Lord. My son, give me your burden. Do you not know that I will carry you? You only have to ask.

Oh, Jesus, my Lord and God

I cry to You for faith,

the faith to give to you

all I have, all that I am,

and in return

to finally accept your love,

love so freely given

but one that I

have turned away...

...act out of Love

A thought...

In order to truly be one with Christ, we must shrug off, no throw off the crushing weight that the world imposes on us.

We must become light.

To become light. Not an easy thing. In my life, in my journey to just be closer to Him, the becoming closer to God is also the journey of releasing this world. A man cannot love both God and mammon. God and money. God and this world. Why does He turn us so? That's a question I ask. And, why me? What did I do to hear His voice so clear at times? I know, nothing. It is only His Grace. Even in the dryness, I can still feel the vibration of Him around me. Why don't others? I became a Secular Franciscan thinking I would walk with more understanding through this world. I felt that following in Francis' footsteps would be a better way to imitate Christ, and it is, but for one reason or another, to me, the Seculars don't go deep enough. Even the word 'Seculars' makes me uneasy.
My wife Helen and I have been blessed in that God decided to bring us both back into His Light together, at the same time. We are inseparable, truly two become one. Together we share the sadness, as we see within our society and within our Church the 'smoke of satan' and the damage that it's wrought. I'm venting, I know, and I'll stop. But one more reflection, a positive one. From a great blog I read, Do Not Be Anxious, a post about Pope Benedict's' new take on the parable The Prodigal Son. A great post. At the end the blogs author asks, (I paraphrase) What have you done for someone today? and today I had an event that was so small but so natural but, in a way completely unnatural. I didn't know how unnatural it was until after. At work today my friend Perry had an English Muffin at break, but forgot to bring anything to put on it. I asked him, how you gonna eat that, what are you gonna put on it? He said, nothing, I'm gonna eat it dry. I finished buttering my wheat toast (my Wednesday breakfast) using only half my Smart Balance. Here, use the rest, I don't need it all. I didn't even think about it, I just did it. Thanks, he said. I went to my office and sat down and felt that trembling in the pit of my stomach that precedes when God is about to let me in on something. I instantly realized that He was pleased, pleased that I'd done something for someone without thinking about it, without expecting anything at all to come out of it, I just did it. A simple act of love from my heart to him. As I think about and pray about the whole small event I can see that God asks us to constantly make these kinds of choices and decisions every day, every moment. We react and do things all day long and are so caught up in this world that at times we forget (if we even ever knew!) how to act with kindness, top just act out of love.

Oh God, my loving Father!
Please hear my humble prayer to you.
Open my eyes but show mercy
as I see my faults before me
and strive to take the narrow road
that leads to Your Heart of Light.

God who is so near

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. This morning's reading from Medjugorje Day By Day struck me so hard, it's been burning inside me all day. I'm just going to put it up and maybe comment after. Here it is:
June 30
The miraculous
Concerning the miracle of a fire that several hundred people saw burning on Mt. Podbrdo, but which did not consume anything, the Gospa said:

The fire seen by the faithful was miraculous. It is one of
the signs-a forerunner of the great sign (FY 10-28-81).

In the Gospel of Luke, we see the miraculous healing of a crippled woman:
Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the sabbath. And
just then there appeared a woman with a spirit that had crippled her
for eighteen years. She was bent over and was quite unable to stand
up straight. When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said,
"Woman, you are set free from your ailment." When he laid his
hands on her, immediately she stood up and began praising
God. (Lk 13:10-13)

Reflection: A striking miracle occurred in Medjugorje involving a forty-three-year-old Italian secretary and mother of three, Diana Basile. Multiple sclerosis had been diagnosed in 1972, along with total urinary incontinence, perineal dermatitis, blindness in one eye, difficulty in walking and, to compound matters, a severe clinical depression. In May of 1984, a friend persuaded Diana to join a pilgrimage group going from Milan to Medjugorje.
On the evening of May 23, she was in the church and a friend helped her to climb the steps to the side chapel where the apparitions were then occurring. From the records kept at the parish in Medjugorje, here are her own words:
At that point I no longer wanted to enter the chapel...but the door
was opened and I went in. I knelt just behind the door. When the
children came in and knelt down...I heard a loud noise. After that
I remember nothing, except an indescribable joy and certain epi-
sodes of my life passing before my eyes as though on film.
When it was all over, I followed the children, who went straight
to the main altar of the church. I was walking just like everybody
else, and I knelt down just as they did. It didn't actually occur to
me that anything extraordinary had happened, until my friend
came up to me in tears.

Diana's cure had been instantaneous. Later that night she found that she was no longer incontinent, and the dermatitis had completely disappeared. Her right eye, useless for 12 years, had regained perfect vision. The following day she walked the six miles from her hotel in Ljubski to the church in Medjugorje, and later climbed Mt. Podbrdo. (END OF REFLECTION)

To be honest, I don't understand how I know that Our Lady is appearing and miracles are occurring in Medjugorje. Years ago I may have been skeptical about the whole long running event, but not now. I have never been, and may never get there. A priest we know once said that Medjugorje is for the non-believers to go to and believe. We who have been so touched by Our Blessed Mother need no apparitions to feel Her presence. I apologise for being so long, and I don't know if this recounting of the June 30 meditation will stir anyone else but me. But this morning, this reading, along with others seemed to peel away a layer inside , as if a bit more of me became more open, more vulnerable, more humble. (Too many more's, I know!) Let me finish by saying, by asking us all to be more silent, to listen deeply with our inner self, to hear the call of Our God who is so near.

A plea.

What a week.

H and I have been on a working vacation this past week, getting ready for the renting season an old Victorian beach house we have on Martha's Vineyard. We bought it 12 years ago with money H's Dad left her. Turned out to be a good investment. It's old, 1930's or so, (no one really knows) so it always needs lots of work. Imagine leaving your house on November 1st and not seeing it again until April. And then you only see it for one or two Saturdays a month, until you take a week off in June to make it spit spot for your first renters on July 1st. Tons of stuff to do, you can just imagine. But whatever, no big deal, we do it every spring. But being on vacation means each day starts out with Mass, with Rosary before and after Mass. Monday thru Thursday. (No Mass on Friday.) For me, who isn't able to go to Mass during the week this is a real blessing. A good friend of ours on the island, Margaret, is the founder of Little Children of Mary, a group led by her that brings relief supplies to Haiti. This is her 15th year doing this great service, and since the quake her efforts have been doubled. A very spiritual woman, very Marian and a very devoted to Our Lady of Medjugorje. She leads the second Rosary, which is very attuned to Our Blessed Mother. It is a great gift from God that He has surrounded me with such prayer-filled and spiritual women. But no men. In my parish here in CT for men to show their spirituality in anything more than Evening Prayer once a week is rare. In our Secular Franciscan community we have only five men in a group of over thirty. It's just the way it is. Men, at times have a lot of baggage that we just keep piling up on top of ourselves, so much until we cannot move or think straight. And then the crushing weight of the world chokes out the voice of Our Lord. It is so sad.
Isaiah: 55, 6
Seek the Lord while he may be found,
call Him while he is near.
I know that I was like the men whom I speak about once. Most of my life was like that. Hearing the Voice but never listening. Never acting on what I heard. Not knowing it but being chained to the world around me, the world of man and not the world of God. Not knowing that they were the same! God is all around us, they say, well, why can't I see Him? Because I failed to look for Him. If I hadn't let go of my inner chains (and they were chains, believe me!) hadn't asked God to just be closer to me, to open my ears to Him, if I hadn't been touched by his Grace I would still be carrying around the weight of my world, instead of God carrying me. What I'm trying to say is brothers, let go of this world, the sports channels, the ambitions for power, the darkness of lust. That's not what we're here for. When you hear His voice, harden not your heart. If you think you hear Him in the sounds of nature, talk a walk and listen. Look closely at everyone you meet, Jesus our Brother is there, return the love that He showed us on the Cross.
Love is the key,
Love is the key.
Oh my Lord and my God,
hear my prayers of nothingness
as I plead for my brothers,
trapped as I once was,
lost in the smoke of this world.
Lord, give them the strength
as you gave me,
to cast off the heavy burden,
to take on the yoke that is light.

...a deeper faith...

My posts seem to be fewer and far between and to be honest, I don't know if I'll be able to continue to find the words to express this inner journey. On top of that each post I write takes me hours to finish, and right now at this stage of my life I just don't feel I have the time to compose a quality post.

But I like posting.

I like posting and it also helps to hear the different views that we have concerning our own personal journeys and others. In a world that's growing darker, it's good to see light shining, however dimly. And the darkness comes from the countless souls who are turning away from God. Never mind all those that never acknowledged his voice to begin with. I'm concerned, but what can I, or any of us do, really? We can give a good example, be true witnesses to the faith, and pray.

But to be true witnesses, how hard is that? At times for me almost impossible. I always feel I'm a good witness in my mind, but as soon as I'm in disagreement with someone or something I forget who I am and fall away to my old ways. I forget I'm Franciscan! I'm more concerned with the log in my neighbors eye than the wooden beam in mine. Today's Gospel. To maintain the Face of Jesus to all, to avoid the 'forked tongue', these are aspects of my life that challenge me every day, and I mean really challenge me. And I know why. We can do nothing without God. We cannot do anything alone. I haven't given myself up to Him completely, yet. How can I do it? Why do I hold on to control, onto my way of thinking, onto my worries about money or work or whatever? Why? Because I'm holding onto this world, that's why, and my mind isn't focused enough on the world above.

Matthew 6:24-34. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear." That is pretty radical stuff. But what is He asking us? What is God asking us? He's asking us for everything. To give up our cares to Him. To trust Him. To have deep faith. How can I give of myself so completely and still maintain the responsibilities of a father, a husband, a provider? I must find the deep faith. Oh Lord God, why do you ask of things I have no answer for? How can I follow you fully when I fling my own wall before You? Please, O God my God grant me the grace to tear down those walls, tear them down and never build again. My Lord and God, I pray to You.

To be humble...

Today in Medjugorje Day By Day our B.V.M. speaks of humility;





Dear children, today I call you to humility. These days you


have felt great joy because of all the people who have come


here, and to whom you have spoken with love about your


experiences. With humility and an open heart, continue to


speak with all who are coming.





After reading this and the reflection afterward I couldn't help but see how often I fail in my search for my own life in humility. Being Franciscan humbleness should be almost second nature, and most of the time it is, as long as it's easily attainable, a virtue with no struggle. And I have come a long way in following the footsteps of St. Francis, and ultimately Our Lord Jesus Christ. But I fail, even as I write this I have failed, because in the back of my mind I'm wondering if anyone will read this, and if not, why not. What kind of humbleness is that??!! Some things in life take more strength to overcome, but I'm fooling myself, it is not strength in the way we think of strength. The strength I speak of is a grace from God, which we must ask for and then reach for and grab. Too often we (I!) complain and take the easy way out of a tough situation, knowing full well that in asking for I will receive but I don't ask, for what reason I haven't figured out yet. If we know God is there for us, why would we hesitate to ask for His gifts, to show our love for Him? I don't know. I guess I'm still mostly stuck in this world, and not striving hard enough for the next. And that brings me back to humbleness and humility, and lack thereof. I find myself making strides spiritually, and then dryness. But I believe the dryness, the distance from God is there for a reason, and that might be to give us time to contemplate what has taken place (in our life) and not to let a spiritual event slip away. Do not be lukewarm and Go deeper. Two sentences that I heard in Adoration months ago that I can hear today as clear as then. Two guideposts in my life. Sometimes I'm afraid of both those sentences, those, to me, sacred instructions from above because in following those to the spiritual end I'm not sure where I'll be going, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that road, yet. The more we contemplate God, the closer we come to Him, the mystery of Him deepens. The baggage I find myself carrying on this road is enormous, and it wears me down. Lord, help me to loosen my own bonds! Give me the grace of humbleness and humility to make clear the road that leads straight to your heart.

Oh Lord, help me to more clearly Seek Your Face...

The Rule

Therefore,
let us desire nothing else,
let us want nothing else,
let nothing else please us and cause us delight
except our Creator, Redeemer and Savior,
the only true God,
Who is the fullness of good,
all good, every good, the true and supreme good,
Who alone is good, merciful, gentle, delightful, and sweet,
Who alone is holy,
just, true, holy and upright,
Who alone is kind, innocent, clean,
from Whom, through Whom and in Whom
is all pardon, all grace, all glory...
Therefore,
let nothing hinder us,
nothing separate us,
nothing come between us.
Wherever we are
in every place,
at every hour,
at every time of the day,
every day and continually,
let all of us truly and humbly believe,
hold in our heart and love,
honor, adore, serve,
praise and bless,
glorify and exalt,
magnify and give thanks
to the Most High and Supreme Eternal God...
Who,
without beginning and end,
is unchangeable, invisible,
indescribable, ineffable,
incomprehensible, unfathomable
blessed, praiseworthy,
glorious, exalted,
sublime, most high,
gentle, lovable, delightful,
and totally desirable above all else
for ever,
Amen.

EARLIER RULE XXIII: 9-11

I'm not exactly sure if this is a past rule or a part of the current Rule of St. Francis. I should know but if I wait until I dig around and find the answer I won't finish this post until next week, that's how bad I am. Tuesday night at our SFO meeting Esparenza did a wonderful job with the ongoing formation and the above was part of it. Poor Francis. The first Rule was lost, and when some of the Brothers found out he'd gone into the mountains to write another, they, along with Brother Elias walked up the mountain to the cave where Francis was fasting, and with two other Brothers was trying to come up with another Rule. They thought that Francis would write a Rule that was so strict that they wouldn't be able to live by it. So sad. Not much different than today, really. We as Catholics are asked to do many things, but a lot of us pick and choose the parts of our spiritual life that only conform to our way of thinking, or we leave out the parts that seem too hard to uphold. Birth control. Gossip. Adultery. The list goes on and on. God does not ask us to live His life when it's convenient for us. He asks us for everything, and all the time, and though it's very hard to do that, to live that life in this secular world I don't think people try hard enough, and some people don't try at all. The spiritual life is, to me like a path laid out by God, with Saints and Jesus, His Mother, and the Holy Spirit, all right there along the way to help guide us. In the end we mostly ignore them, because we think we know better. Tomorrow I'll start. I think this is OK. We're able to justify almost any act or thought. But we're only fooling ourselves.

Everything for God

Upon reflection...
On a previous post I explained about the Facebook message and my cleaning of the toilets and how lives can go in different directions. It may have seemed as though I was whining about my lot in life but I really wasn't, but perhaps I was. I let a bit of 'the worlds thinking' to infiltrate mine, and my thoughts towards God. To stay completely on the path to God one has to forget about everything that goes on in the world, to die to the world, at least the things that influence our thinking. I have to put everything into God's perspective, no matter if it's attending a meeting, at Mass, eating, sleeping or cleaning toilets. Everything I just mentioned is a gift from God, He is in control! My life would be much better off if I just kept that in mind.

Oh God, my God,
when I seem to abandon you,
reach out to me, in Your own way,
to turn my soul from darker things
and bring me back into Your light...

Different Roads

"I am your message, Lord.


Throw me like a blazing torch


into the night, that all may see


and understand what it means


to be a disciple."


ST. Maria Skobstsova





Funny how things work.





This past Saturday evening, a night usually associated with going out t0 the movies, maybe a restaurant, etc, you know what I mean, I found myself cleaning toilets. Not a completely bad thing, it's just something I do every other weekend for a few hours to make a little extra money. No matter how much I ignore money, (I let H handle everything) no matter how I run the idea of money through my 'Eyes of St. Frances', money is still something I, and we all must deal with. Our family is fortunate. I have a job, we have a great family, home, cars, our health, what more can a man ask for in the material world? Last year when times did get a little tough at work, (55 hours a week to 40, ouch!) I was able to pick up some extra hours coming in on Saturday and doing the cleaning and vacuuming. Whatever. Well, last weekend I found myself doing the cleaning late, I didn't get home until 9:30pm, but when I took a break and I was checking Facebook (yeah, well, that's another story), someone 'found me' whom I hadn't seen or spoken to since high school, back in the 70's. He was much younger than me (still is!), just a little kid, then, I really knew his older brothers much better than him. His whole family was very musically inclined and they ended up in Vegas in different aspects of the entertainment business. He told me about his brothers and sisters and the different bands they've played with. I didn't reply, but it was nice to hear from him and to hear about his family, all old friends. Later, I couldn't help to, not really compare, but to just contemplate on how our roads have diverged, how at one time we all had the same ideas, the same dreams. A really good friend of mine, my best friend in high school, did end up out there with them, working in the 'business'. If only Steve could see me now! Washing out the sinks and cleaning out the toilets! On the outside the whole situation might seem sad, but I know better. I know what perhaps they don't know or have rejected; that when one puts God first in his life, everything changes. You can't put God first and live your old life, attached and controlled by the secular world. I've realized that since my life is in His hands I'm there cleaning for a reason, for God does nothing without a purpose.
We just usually never know what the purpose is.
Maybe He's using my Saturday evening work, my sacrifice, for His own means. Maybe He just wants me to contemplate Him as I work, which He knows I do. I don't know. I do know that when I think about my life and where it has gone, where its' going my heart burns with gladness for the grace which He has given me, the grace that has opened my eyes and my heart to Him, and to His Son and The Blessed Virgin who is with me every day, every moment. I can only live my life in the reflection of Our Lord Jesus, following in the footsteps of Francis, whose example of giving all of oneself to God is worthy to follow.

A torch thrown into the night...

Witness

In today's First Reading (Acts 16:22-34) Paul and Silas are attacked by the crowd, then the magistrates had them stripped and beaten with rods. Then after 'inflicting many blows on them', they're thrown into prison, into the 'innermost cell with their feet secured to a stake'. It's all said in an almost matter of fact bit of writing, but one's imagination (at least mine) begins to work. Think about it. Paul and Silas are probably proclaiming he Good News everywhere they go, and some accept the word and some do not. Folks gang up on them and at the least start pushing them around, but more than likely things became worse. Knocked down and kicked, thrown punches out of nowhere to the side of the head, verbal abuse, we know how crowds get today, we've seen it on the news, and I'm sure it wasn't much different then. Then dragged off somewhere to be stripped and beaten with rods. I can really only picture this whole thing for a bit. It's a wonder Paul and Silas lived through it. More than likely some sort of permanent damage was done to their bodies somewhere. But not to their faith. After spending the night singing hymns of praise, after God provides an earthquake to blow open the doors and break their chains they then show love to their oppressor by telling him not to kill himself, they are still here. So many levels of Christs' spirit is moving here in this story. But the point I'm trying to make is that Paul and Silas were witnesses. Paul particularly never stopped witnessing, and I'm sure Silas didn't either. And as we witness in this story, the power of the Holy Spirit turns the jailer into a prisoner of Christ, as Paul converts him and his whole family. Like I said earlier, the matter of fact telling frees the imagination, lets us put ourselves back in time to then, as we feel the blows rain upon our backs as rod rips flesh.

And they never wavered.

Last weekend H and I attended the K of C Wives/Widows/Priests/Religious Appreciation Dinner at a local restaurant. As we had small talk with Knights and wives it became apparent that what H and I consider Catholic and spiritual had nothing in common with the two wives who were doing most of the talking with us. Now I'm not going to get into a 'who's holier than who' contest. I am no different than anyone, a sinner am I, probably worse than them, I'm sure. I'm not going to go into what was said, you've all heard the same things we heard, statements that come from good people, just luke-warm Catholics. My point is, the whole situation made me uncomfortable, to the point where I just didn't have the correct answers to refute what they were saying. And when I did have them I was lukewarm in my effort to challenge them, to change their minds or as St. Paul and Silas did to proclaim the Good News to them. I was not a very good witness. I had the opportunity and I failed miserably. I didn't have that fire burning in my heart when I needed it most. I don't want to be the kind of Catholic that does only well around like minded people. Even sinners love sinners. I'm hoping I can find at least a little bit of St. Paul in me. This is something I have to work at.

Holy Spirit, be with me when I need you most,
in times of trial and wickedness.
Flood my heart with the light from above
and free my lips to do His will.

What do you want from me?

This past Friday, First Friday, brought us to the 5-6am time slot for the Nocturnal Adoration Society First Friday Adoration. Next month we'll have the 6-7am time and then we'll begin again at the 10-11pm and rotate through. This week gave me two hours of Adoration, my usual 5-6pm at our parish and the First Friday at All Saints. I needed them both. On Thursday I asked Our Lord if it would be OK if I did some writing during my time with Him, and of course He said fine (in not so many words). It took me twenty minutes to compose a small speech for our K of C Wives/Priests/Religious/Widows Appreciation Dinner we had Sat. night. One of our Friars always sits before the Blessed Sacrament to compose his Homily, so I figured if it was good for him, I should give it a try. The words just flowed from my mind to the paper. The rest of the time was spent in silence, the silence of Him with me. Most Hours are spent me pleading to Him for guidance, What do you want from me, Lord? or asking help with a personal problem or who knows what. This time, just breathtaking silence. I have a lot of questions right now inside of me concerning a direction I'm seeking, but I never asked about that. And after the second Adoration Hour early yesterday morning I know that He has heard my inner plea and will reveal His way for me in good time. I am not in charge, He is in charge. I must learn on a physical and mental level to give my everything over to God. Not only to give it over to Him but to believe and trust, totally. I know all this on an intellectual level but to let it all go is still a struggle for me. But although issues occur in my life that are disquieting, He is at work in me, molding me, it's almost like I can feel it. I think the more I give myself to Him the more He uses me, if only for me to see more clearly. And the things I've been given to see, I can't even begin to write about them, I'm still trying to figure it all out. Needless to say, I'm beginning to be pulled more and more closer to the Traditional Latin Mass and the world of reverence that spins around it. I'll just pray and listen, and see where this leads me.

The Call (no, not that one)

Just got the call at lunch on my cell; a wake tonight for a brother Knight who flew from this earth yesterday. This means donning my suit (Still too tight. More gym time...), and leading the readings that the K of C does for fallen brothers. I'm the G.K. so I lead, which I feel is an honer. I don't even mind the third set of changed plans for this evening. To give someone the proper respect at a wake, to send them off on their Last Journey is always better than mowing the lawn.

From tears to silence

Tonight we have our monthly SFO meeting and this month I'm in charge of the Ongoing Formation part of it. All of us members are taking turns giving the presentation and I volunteered for this month to get it out of the way. I like it when other people do the presentation but I'm not fond of doing it myself, even though as Grand Knight I do a lot more talking before groups than I use to. Still not my cup of tea, though. It should last all of 5 minutes, with another 5 for question and answer. This should be the easy part of the meeting.
We have about 30 members professed, fairly large for such a small parish, and my fraternal Brothers and Sisters are really wonderful people, very spiritual. One or two of the women, though, and I shouldn't even mention this but it is true, well, we don't see eye to eye on some issues. There, I'll just leave it at that. I've seen and heard things that make me uneasy, but I'm always trying not to judge. Anytime I'm uttering a disparaging word about a brother or sister (meaning anyone!) I'm inflecting harm to Jesus. Think about that, for a minute. So here's hoping everything will go smooth. Our parish is getting a new pastor in a couple of months, Father R. moving down to Baltimore and a Friar is coming up here to take over, so I don't think any really new business will occur until he gets here. Anyone who has read my blog lately knows how I feel about the way things are going in our Church (all the reverence rants) and I'm hoping that when the new pastor arrives and settles in it won't be business as usual. But I'm afraid it will be.
Keep me in your prayers tonight, anything can happen when I have to public speak. From tears to silence, here I come!

'Nuff said.

St. Louis Mary de Montfort (1673-1716) Pray for us.

Truth

Lately H and I have been attending The Latin Mass at a nearby church. The priest, Father D, does a great job, as do the deacons and the alter servers. I enjoy the L.M., as does H, but I also still enjoy the 'regular Mass'. This weekend though, the parish that has the LM the hosted a Traditional Catholic Conference. Vendors were there, plus speakers, confession and ending with a Solemn High Mass in the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite. Sad to say, H and I had a wedding to go to in Latham, NY which prevented us from only seeing 45 min. of the first speaker, a late ordained priest (38 years old) from Brazil now living and preaching in Wisconsin. Only a priest for two years, he made more sense to me in 45 minutes than a lot of people (religious and non-religious alike) have made to me in 45 years. I have been very privileged that God has put me in contact with so many spiritual people just in the last 5 years of my life; and many of them have made deep and lasting impressions on me. But lately I've been exposed to many lay and religious who are either going back to the more traditional ways or have never left them. The Latin Mass is only the tip of the iceberg. I was 5 or 6 when the L.M. vanished from our church back in the early 1960's, I remember it but then again I don't. It's all so new, but it's been around forever. The reverence that the old ways bring feels very natural to me. And the more I read and hear about the changes brought about by Vatican II the more I'm filled with, I don't know, uneasiness?
I'm a professed Secular Franciscan, and that will never change. What may change or should I say is changing is the way I look at our Holy Church. I will still follow our Holy Father, but I will ask questions. Asking questions is not doubting, which is what I hope will never happen. I'm not going to make this into a spiritual crises, but I do know that something is at work here, and I don't think it's you know who. My wife Helen feels much more stronger about this than I do, but in her prayers she has heard that somehow we (those of us who believe in the old ways) are going to have some type of influence on members of the church where we are members, where I'm the Grand Knight this year, where our Fraternity of Secular Franciscans are. I love our parish, but the lack of reverence that I see is pushing me away. When at the ending of the last organ note at the end of any Mass the congregation bursts into thunderous talking and laughing, with no consideration of those parishioners who are trying to have a bit of quiet time after mass, and worse yet, no consideration of Our Lord in the Tabernacle, where all three priests let this happen, how can I justify any of that in my mind? I don't know where this new (or is it old?) road will lead me, but I do know that the Holy Spirit is at work again. What is in the Heart of Our Lord Jesus, who is our King and High Priest? How does He feel about the path His church has gone in the last 50 years? I don't know and will never know, as long as I'm here on earth. For my own part I can only submit my prayers in all humbleness and humility and hope that I find my way to the Truth.

...total plan of God...

As the Blessed Virgin Mother speaks, from 'Medjugorje Day by Day' -

Heed the call to fasting because by fasting you will
ensure that the total plan of God here in Medjugorje
will be fulfilled. This will give me great joy.

As you know, Helen and I fast every Wednesday and Friday, on bread and water. Not bread and water in the strictest sense, but for me modified. The water is also coffee, and the bread (toast) will have Smart Balance and sometimes peanut butter. At night the bread can become pizza dough with a little cheese on it. Helen is much stronger, more focused than I am. I am a worm! I do it, but I struggle. It is a hard, physical thing that affects your body. You know about it. You can feel it, and for me, by the end of the day, I'm uncomfortable. All that said, on another level, apart from the physical is the mental, and that is where the real battle is waged, on so so many levels. Satan attacks us constantly, although some of us don't even know it. For those who have heeded the call from Mary, Our Mother, to fast, pray and say the Rosary the presence of the evil one is very real. For most, just a subtle touch from him is enough to turn a good person from a worthy life to one of faded light, which the rejection of God's word is. Pornography, lust, abortion, drugs, lying, the world around us is rampant with these and more vices, and satan rules them all. Jesus defeated satan at His Resurrection, but the evil one still prowls here. And for those who walk the Narrow Road his lies and deceptions ring loud in our ears every day. We hear and feel him, for he wants us not to listen to Her, the one who gave birth to the Son of God. She who was sent back to us by God to awaken the ones who still sleep, who have not responded to God's Word, which is Jesus Christ. That's why we must ignore satan, ignore the world if we have to, walk with head lowered if we must, and believe in the total plan of God, that is taking place not just in Medjugorje but around the world. If Our Lady calls us to fast then we must, even if we don't understand why. Fasting is not easy, but if one soul can be saved by my joining in heart, mind and soul, with Our Mother and Her Son, then I'm in it for the long haul. Months and months ago, at Adoration, I heard the words "Go Deeper", and I thought I understood those words. But God's ways are mysterious, and what I thought then is not what I know now. When I consecrated to Jesus, I put myself in His hands, and He does with me as He wills. Most times I forget He's even there, my worldly thinking shutting Him out. But He is patient, He waits for me to come around.

O Blessed Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit!
Be with me today as I search through the darkness
for the Light that is you, waiting there for me.

...so many flowers...

Oh, how God works, letting me know that I am not in charge. I finally found the time (busy night!) to write on different thoughts that have come my way over the last week or so. As I dug through my book bag I was lead to pull out a book I haven't used in a while. I opened it at random, as one should, and these were Her words to me:

"Hello My child! Bright and clean is the way I
would have your soul. This is how you should
look before my Son, but still you have so many corners-
yet you do not allow Me to enter! I ask you to give
Me every little patch of your soul. I wish to cultivate
it and make it beautiful for God, hidden to the world.
Be on guard not to parade your brightness
before men, lest you become smug and complacent
and thus remain in a state of illusion! I am greatly
pleased when you want Me to help you and you no
longer rely on your own merits but mine to give your
soul a lustre, so that before God you will look beautiful.
My child, so many flowers have yet to be planted.
Set the ground by your prayer and fidelity to Me.
I bless you."

These words are from 'All Through Mary, Devotion to Our Lady's Message of Mercy to The World', otherwise known as Mary's Blue Book. Truly God has blessed me, though I don't know why, I don't understand any of it. I do believe one thing, though; if we turn our hearts and minds to Him, He will guide us. If we give every moment over to God, he will be with us. For me, all of Lent and Easter, as it happened, this year, did not sink in. I think I tried too hard to find answers to questions that have no real answers. At times I stumbled, and was left wondering. Holy Thursday and Good Friday almost became too much, as I think my soul was searching and finding but my mind became dim from looking through eyes not seeing. Why, I asked, and still do, why did it slip away? It was similar as with Christmas. No matter what, it comes on in a rush and I'm left panting.
The Octave Week gave me a chance to look again, so to speak, to try to find Jesus where He is, with me on my own road to Emmaus. And at times, I did.
Tonight the reading from The Blue Book opened me up yet again, as the B.V.M. speaks to me, to us, once more. "...so many flowers have yet to be planted..." that thought I keep turning over and over in my mind.

Oh, Lord, as you gave us strength and graces
on Divine Mercy Sunday, showing me that the
Risen You walks with us every day, and Your
precious touch is there, waiting for us to ask.

Risen Christ

During this Octave of Easter the theme (not a good word, but I'm using it anyway) is, of course, the Risen Christ. Now, I don't know where I've been for the last 55 years but for whatever reason the importance of not only believing that He rose but that we must seek Him always, and to know that He is here with us always, was perhaps lost on me. Seeking Him sounds so easy in our minds, so easy to grasp in the darkness of the night or in the quiet of an early dawn. In the harshness of the workplace or when dealing with a family issue or any and all of the situations we come across that make us uncomfortable, that is when the Face of Jesus is harder to see. He fades, and we are left feeling alone.

It must be remembered that as we walk with Him, as we strive to be aware of Him who is at our side always, satan is there also, for he is the one who makes us forgetful, makes us angry and confused at our neighbor. He would like nothing better than for us to forget about Jesus, let Easter fade like we let most holidays do. I was reminded just today to pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance and strength so I don't lose sight of Our Lord. These are specific actions that I must do every day because I'm weak, and during a normal day, unless I truly focus He does fade away, it's so very easy for it to happen. I guess a good way to look at it is to love God with all my heart, mind and soul, and my soul that longs will find its' way.

Come Holy Spirit, fill my heart with your holy gifts.
Let my weakness be penetrated with your strength
this very day,
that I may fulfill all my duties conscientiously,
and that I may do what is right and just.
Graciously hear me, O Holy Spirit,
and pour your light into my heart, my soul, and my mind.
Help me to live a holy life and to grow in goodness and grace.
Amen.
(excerpt from) "Daily Prayer to the Holy Spirit"
-Medjugorje Day By Day

An Easter thought...

Forty plus days have passed since Ash Wednesday, and my journey of ups and downs (but mostly riding in the middle) has not really ended, but quietly flowed into a journey within The Journey, which we call the Easter Season. I wish I had the skills to properly convey even a small fraction of the joys and the frustrations that I've met along the road called Lent, but I don't and I won't try. But there were some moments that will stay with me for a while; the tenderness of our older Friar, Father J,as he washed the feet of the woman sitting next to me. That act of humility, right in the middle of the Gospel, brought my imagination back 2,000+years to when Our Lord gave this gift to his 12. My wife, for the first time had her feet washed and said it was simply beautiful, something she'll never forget. "You have to sign up for it next year," she said. And I will.
On Friday H and I were with the choir, so we had to go downstairs to Kiss the Wood. This year I felt such tremendous sorrow as I walked the length of the center aisle to reach it and when I went to kiss the wood I just wanted to hold it, to hug it. Our small cross seemed so large, so real! It was another what-just- happened-to-me moment, one of a few that occurred in these last few days. During the Holiest of Days one just has to be aware and open to the graces that God bestows on us at all times. The reality of our faith shone forth even in the dark hours of Holy Thursday and Good Friday, and our faith holds us together during the Long Day, Holy Saturday. We had one young man finish the RCIA course culminating in his baptism at the Vigil Mass and when it was time for our Priest to pray over him he called the other three Friars, all Priests, to come down and pray with him. What a beautiful sight, our four Franciscans, a single arm from each held with hand in prayer position, giving blessings to a new-born soul! Tears welled and ran freely from my eyes, and my heart was lost.
One more moment to share: Easter Morning as Lector I had the honer of reading that tremendous First Reading, but I didn't do it justice. I wanted so much for my voice to really carry the story to the hearts of all our parishioners, but in the end, I think I failed. I don't know. Too much pressure, I guess, put on by myself. Anyway, right after Mass I went over to pray in front of the Tabernacle for a few minutes and was joined by Helen, who had Cantered. As usual, within moments of the last notes ringing from the organ the church erupted in loud voices, laughter and general chaos. It happens after every Mass, like the ending of a sporting event. We try to block it out, but it's nearly impossible. Maybe because it was Easter and Our Lord was back in the Tabernacle, but as I gazed upon the golden resting place something happened that has never happened to me before. As I gazed I could feel, with 100% certainty, Our Savior radiating His love out to me, to us, Helen and I as we said our prayers of thanksgiving for the Eucharist. I could of knelt there forever, taking in His Love...

Good Friday

"The cross will not crush you; if its weight makes you stagger, its power will sustain you." - ST. Pio of Pietrelcina

Lenten Reflection...

I've been trying to write this all day but never found the time. Here we are on the eve of Holy Thursday and I have the same unfinished feeling I had last year; All of Lent has come and gone (well, almost gone) and I don't know if I'm any closer to my imaginary pre-Lent goal now as I was when Lent began. Last year and this year my hope was to slow my life, well, not my secular life, (I've almost given up on slowing that down,) but my spiritual life, that's what I really intended to do. The thing is, more spiritual stuff goes on during these 40 days than usual, more gatherings for Evening Prayer, an extra Mass during the week, Stations, Choir rehearsals, so by the time the weekend is here one is worn out from just the commuting. I'm not complaining but I know I am. I love the 2 nights a week for Evening Prayer, the extra Mass, I love all of it! It's just that at times I feel it might be too much, too much being offered. During confession last week Fr. D. said to find more quiet time to listen to the Lord. I haven't found that time yet, and although I try to stay in constant prayer it's very hard to do at work. Even as I type I listen, but I know I'm not there, my deepness is not deep enough. At times God seems so elusive, and in the quiet moments all I seem to hear is the hum of the world. I'm thinking that in this hum is where I'll catch a glimpse of Him, feel Him as he reaches down with finger or utters inside me a single word. Oh, God, I yearn for that moment! At times in this cushy life the daily world rails against me but I know I'm so much better off than most. But at times the desert stretches out forever, and they do pluck my beard. I try to be like Paul, someone for everyone but that pulls me so thin, and I can only stretch so far.
In these next few days I'm hoping to find some of that quiet time I crave, to be with you, Lord, during these most Holy of Days. Let us all pray for that slowing down, that time to deepen our knowledge of the Mysteries of Our Lord and God.

Surprise

Thursday evening, at the end of Adoration, right before Father D Reposed Our Lord, something very beautiful took place; Father asked that we say The Divine Praises, which is on the back page of our missals. Let me tell you, this is a first. Usually our priest, whichever one it is, holds up the Monstrance and presents it to the congregation, kneels, then take the host out and places Him into the tabernacle. So for this to happen took us by surprise. My wife prays for more reverence in the church and I'm sad to say that at times our parish priests do disappoint me. Sometimes the 'spirit of Francis' can get in the way of things. I do think Fr. D has a different way of looking at things and the Reposing of Our Lord is one of them. As Father was walking towards the Tabernacle my wife Helen broke into "Holy God, we praise thy name; Lord of all, we bow before thee; All on earth thy scepter claim..." well, you know the rest. I immediately joined her, and I did hear another voice following along back behind us. I'll have to say it sounded beautiful and a fitting end (I think!) to Adoration. As these events unfolded before us Our Lord became a real tangible presence in our church. It was like in showing more reverence to Our Lord and Savior he in turn showered graces on us who were in his real presence. It's hard to explain, you really had to be there. And that's just part of the story of a long day of, in reflection, torture and attacks by satan, culminating in my going to Adoration and then our evening Reconciliation Service immediately following Adoration. The darkness and deep physical pain that I had all day Thursday was monumental; I've never felt so messed up, ever. And then this morning, and the rest of the day, nothing. Just a feeling of peace, which is rare on a fast day. I'm long on this post and rambling, but I'd like to thank all who reply here with your kind words and if you disagree with anything please feel free with your replies. At times God blesses me with moments of insight, a quick flash of understanding, which usually turns into a post. Today yesterday was revealed a bit for me, and so I wrote. Peace.

The Annunciation...

This day started as the kind of day one just doesn't want to start. I woke up stiff and sore, even more stiff and sore than usual. Half my head filled with sinus stuff, which throws my balance off as I maneuvered in the dark around the bedroom. A splitting headache to go along with the whole mess, but I still managed to say my consecration prayer to Jesus through Mary. That is a given. And what a beautiful given it is, with no real thought of mine, a gift given from above that lets me praise Him and Her first thing in the morning!
And here's my point; That even though mornings come when we really don't want to get out of bed, never mind go to work, when we want to give in to a little inconvenience that you know will go away after a cup of coffee or a hot shower, even though we don't want to we do move about and start our day, and get to work, no matter what that work is. We say yes to something that is much more than just me, or us. We say yes as Our Lady said yes, we put our fate into the hand of God just as Mary did and we declare our obedience to God to do the right thing, unknowingly and selflessly as our Mother did so long ago. Today as I celebrate The Annunciation Of Our Lord help me Blessed Mother to understand more fully the mystery of your yes!, and in understanding more enable me to give more, give more unreservedly to my God.

Grace before lunch, Wednesday

Oh Lord, I thank you for this meal, this bread before me.

I thank you for my job, and all the work you have provided us

and I thank you and pray to you for my co-workers,

past and present, keep us safe on the job and on our way home.

Watch over my family, Lord as they go through the day.



Bless us o Lord, for these thy gifts...

A note from the field...

So much is happening, inside of me and outside, that's it's hard to digest it all. For starters, about three weeks ago my car died, the transmission gave out and with 249,000 miles on a car with a bad front end it just wasn't feasible to get it fixed. My son has one car, which he needs to get to work, my daughter has another (work and college) so my wife and I share hers. I drive it some days and other days I get a ride into work and catch a ride home with one of my co-workers. Things have worked out, mostly, and let me tell you, it is a humbling experience to ask others for a ride. So Franciscan! Almost like asking for alms. I wish we had better public transportation, I'd forgo another car altogether. H and I had grandiose ideas of re-financing our home and getting a newer used car that way but even going that route would have cost us a ton of money we don't have. So down one car has been a two sided coin; inconvenient in some ways but eye-opening in others. H and I talk about cutting back and in our semi poverty existence we're forced to not have much. My paycheck is pulled in many different directions, spread like the last of butter on many pieces of toast. But we were called to be Secular Franciscans and by the grace of God we will act like one in prayer, thought and actions.
Also, I'm finding that the noise of the world is unsettling at times, and I'm not sure if it's only because of Lent or God has manifested Himself in me in another new way. Mostly, though, I believe it has to do a lot with reading Sacred Scripture, which lately what I've been reading has really clicked in me. God and his works are to me a tremendous mystery that I'll never even begin to understand. God's ways are not our ways and to understand them completly is, for me, not important. I believe that the more we contemplate our God and His ways he will enlighten us as he sees fit. Keep the Cross ever before you. Yes, keep the Cross before you and put the secular world behind you, and that's what I've been trying very hard to do this Lenten season. Focus, keep focused by attending Mass as often as possible and while there delve deep into the Mystery of the Mass, the mystery of the Eucharist. My Lord and my God! He is there when we call Him, we just have to call him without the heart of stone. Oh, this time of penance, this time of Passion! Lord, help me to learn about you more and more during this season of Lent, and to stay more fixed on that narrow path until my time on earth is through.

Lenten Journey

I will be with you Lord, today as I fast.
It is a way for me to stay with You
for just one hour.
Wednesdays' fast prepares me for Fridays'
and I keep Your Cross before me,
for without the Cross I'd let slip away
the gifts I receive
when I fast for You.

Oh Blessed Mother!

These days are dark but filled with light.

I ask for Your strength, to help me on this Journey.

I'm following Him but the road is rough,

I'm pulled from side to side.

Narrow is the path He walks

but He is bright and lights the way.

A Gift

Our Lord has a way of doing things which I can't even begin to fathom. This morning brought one of those moments that, when they happen to me (which is few and very far between), just stop me literally, in my tracks. I've always had a problem with people telling me what to do, well, not really that but how and when to do something. I always feel that I know best, the "Don't tell me how to do my job" sort of thing. Since taking my vows as a Secular Franciscan I've been trying to live by the rule of humility and humbleness, and most of the time I do, (sort of) but when someone rubs me the wrong way I have a hard time accepting what they say. And if there is any criticism along with whatever else they are saying, forget it. I'm usually steaming for hours after. This morning though, I don't know what He did, He didn't even say anything that I know of, it was more like a turning of one's head a bit or lifting a veil. All of a sudden I knew that I wasn't in charge, I knew that in order to really walk with Christ I must submit totally to my humility, not every once in a while but always, that in doing so I would find something, some insight, some way to make the Journey easier. A tremendous weight lifted from me, not instantly, but little by little as the full scope of the gift He'd just given me sunk in. And with that came the tears and I had to quickly head to the men's room (funny now, not so then. My co-workers wouldn't understand.) After a couple of minutes I walked out of that men's room a different person. And of course I was immediately thrust into a situation where, before I probably would of had an issue with. For once I was able to respond as a true follower of Francis, a follower of Christ. Even as I write this I feel this inner glow, that's the best way for me to describe it. A valuable lesson, given freely from Our God today, taken with thankfulness and, of course, humility. Praise Him forever.

from 'The Little Black Book'

I will meet the Lord in a lot of people today.
Will I recognize him?

Getting through the day...

Lately it's been hard to find a quiet time, that hour or so when, during Lent especially, we can slow ourselves down and at least try to hear the Voice. For me, and I'm sure for many who work long hours during the week quality reflective time is almost non-existent. At night, after supper, shower, Evening Prayer, with the idea to calm down and try to let Our Lord in, to speak with Him, to pray, unfortunately most of the time in less than ten minutes I'm asleep wherever I am. How bad! We have a friend who's retired, a single man, who is always going on retreats because he can't even find quiet, meditative time. And during work, I find myself forgetting about Our Lord. The events of the day become too important (not really, but they trick me!) and that makes me sad. So I try very hard to keep Him in front of me, constantly in some sort of prayer, either to Our Lord, or the Blessed Virgin or Our God Himself. it's the only way I can get through the day.

Our God has blessed us with shining sun and temp's that are climbing into the 50's here in CT. Our day started as we woke at 2:15am to make our Nocturnal Adoration hour from 3-4am. What a gift to be able to spend that time with Our Lord! H and I did Morning Prayer together, our morning offering in the wee hours. Then, silence.
Our Homily today by Fr. Dan on today's Prodigal Son Gospel was centered squarely on sin and its consequences. How when one gets trapped in sin how it's so hard to escape from continuing to sin, sinning over and over. And then when one decides to renounce sin, and after the sacrament of reconciliation, how a person is still very weak, how one's soul has been damaged by sin and even though our sins have been forgiven, it still takes time, sometimes a long time for the graces from God to work, to truly change the soul. Oh, the consequences of sin! Fr. Dan also spoke of our contemplation of our sin and the direct effects it has on us and God. It was an eye-opening look at sin, no sugar coating, just an old school Homily from a Priest that is so very kind, but pulls no punches. God is good.

Getting ready to head over to the church hall for our Pasta Dinner to benefit St. Mary's-Above-Rocks Mission in Jamaica. St. Mary's is run by Franciscans and our church tries to hold a benefit once a year with all proceeds going to them. I'm the pasta maker so wish me luck. Al Dente'!

Events...

Putting up anything here has been nearly impossible lately due to time constraints, an avalanche of events that I'm still trying to digest and then write about and the effects of prednisone that I began taking for my spastic lungs which accompanied my bout with bronchitis. Yech!! I've been weirded out for the last 2 weeks but the weaning process began a few days ago, so hopefully I'll get back into better shape. One can't think straight on prednisone, so I figured I'd just absorb all incoming events and deal with posting later. I've made a major change in my life that has to do with taking on extra work (I'm not going to). In my feeling of importance in being the main supporter of our beautiful family I let my life get out of hand and ruled (in a way) by the almighty dollar. I forgot who was in charge, and needed to be smacked more than a couple of times last week to get it through my head. In feeling so damn important I lost sight of some basic goals, lost sight of the Franciscan Rule, and momentarily lost sight of Christ. When we are weak satan is strong, and once again I found that out. This time though Our Lord helped me to realize my mistake (I know it was Him, otherwise I'd still be ranting) and drove me that evening (Tues.) to confession. Thanks you, Lord, for being there, in the guise of a good Franciscan priest. Thanks for asking just the right question, for having me reflect on something else entirely, until you revealed the wisdom of your love.





Lord, why does it take us so long to let you lead us, let you lead me? And why can't I let myself go completely, to place all these burdens that I'm really starting to feel at your feet. Why do I insist on carrying everything and everyone around? These are my questions, Lord, to you this Lent. These are the questions I'll ask myself.

Trials

Tuesday, the 16TH - The sudden firing Monday of a co-worker of mine has thrown me out of sync. Although not unexpected, it still came as a shock to most of us. Without going into details let me say that at times (most times!) he was rude, arrogant, sexist, racist, you name it he was it. But he was a good work friend, and I'm sorry to see him go. Even though I spoke with him about his actions on a personal level and as a General Foreman (I was his boss) He kept going back to his old ways, which just didn't fit in with our ways. It leaves me wondering if there was more I could have done, or should have. And I can't help thinking that his wife is going to flip when she hears the news. She knows how S acts and was always telling him to straighten out, your going to get fired.

Well, he did.

So it's like a hunk of darkness that settles inside of you when all this happens. The reading from Monday, James 1:1-11, how it is a joy to have trials, and to be tested in faith, produces perseverance. Well, I wasn't really tested in my faith but I was put to the test a bit with S, and maybe I failed. I've been waiting for him to contact me but he hasn't, he's texted and e-mailed almost everyone else here, complaining how he was shafted. Everyone here has an opinion but I've kept a low profile. Something (or someone,my guardian angel?) has kept my thoughts muffled, even inside. I will not pass judgement on S. We always told him "You don't need us to give you a shovel, your always carrying one around with you," in reference to him digging a hole for himself here at work.
Friday, the 19TH - It took all week to write this post and most of the uneasiness that stemmed from the firing of S has subsided, with the busyness of a workweek taking over. Even myself, I've gotten over the shock part but not the disappointment of the loss of a c0-worker. I'm probably just over analyzing the situation but I keep coming back to the whole event and I guess just wish the world were different. In a perfect world, this would be and that would be... but it just isn't so. We move on, we continue to labor, to love, to live our lives. An uncle of mine flew from this earth this week and his son, my cousin isn't even having a service for him, never mind a catholic funeral. Just burn him up and put him in the ground. So that's been on my mind this week. A week of trials, anger and reflection. And in the middle of the week Ash Wednesday. In a way, how perfect. Take up your cross, and follow me. I've got it Lord, and I'm with you.

From the heart...

It seems that I post a lot about Adoration. Right now, maybe because of the time of year (winter in CT) or the time in my life, I find that when I'm in His Presence I'm able to slow down a bit to either talk to Him or not talk, pray the Rosary or just let my mind wander a bit. Most of my day is spent at work, and there is no real time (except for lunch) to relax. A crazy way to earn a living, if you ever saw us in the shop. I'm hoping to get through a few more years and then we'll see what happens. I know that planning like that isn't the best way to go but I'll just leave it at that.
This past week at work was one of those 'weeks from h...,' if you get my drift. Certain people bring so much personal baggage with them to work and the negative energy really affects us. This is a person I've talked about before and over the years I've learned to love her somewhat, but not in the way I should. I don't know if I'll ever love her the way Jesus asks us to love, but I try. Lets say it's a part of my life that, as long as we work together I will be challenged in love. On account of other people who didn't fill in for co-workers who were out for personal reason, sickness, etc, our workplace this week was a personal strain on many levels and on many good people. Thursday's Adoration came up and earlier in the day as I tried to gather my thoughts for my hour and I thought I had a good idea of what I'd present to Him. But I'm thickheaded and thick hearted, thinking (once again!) that I was in charge. When I got there I re-read the First Reading and the Gospel for the day and mulled that around in my mind for awhile. Read again from Medjugorje Day by Day and as usual, became disappointed in myself. Cracked open the Bible and read more about Solomon and his troubles. Other prayers, the Rosary, but everything seemed dry and just out of reach. I should know better that with me Our Lord doesn't really say much, but with last week's uplifting hours before Him I guess I expected more.
So at six I left.
Halfway home (it's only a 12 minute ride) I thought again of my co-worker whom I really try to understand, who carries with her so so much anger and bitterness, and I thought to myself (or God?) What can I do, how can I deal with her? and as soon as I internally voiced this thought loud and clear came the answer; With Love. Only with love. It was if He'd been waiting for me through the whole Adoration to ask that question, heck, maybe I've been waiting my whole life. And as He said it to me, straight to my inner self, I sort of knew what to do with her, how to use God's love through me to her. And that is to show the Face of His Son all the time, not when it's convenient, but all the time. Such a challenge! Such a simple yet devastatingly difficult new beginning. Because when we put on the Face of Christ, the armor of Christ it gives us new strength. The Face of Christ is to be seen, not hidden under a basket, but brought forth to shine for our hard pressed co-workers, a daughter who's struggling or a son who's searching. A Face to shine on a wife (or husband) who is there for you forever, two become one. So my Hour with Him that I thought was anything but fruitful bore much after I asked my question from my heart.

Adoration reflection

I intended to start this post last Sunday afternoon but it didn't happen. By then my head was just too tired, and if I can't write my thoughts with a strong, clear inner voice I won't post. Everyone who reads my thoughts deserves my best.

Since our conversion/spiritual journey began a few years ago H and I have found ourselves volunteering or stepping into help, whatever one wants to call it, whenever Our Lord passes these opportunities before us. H does Meals-On-Wheels, brings the Eucharist to home bound and people in the convalescent home, etc. And together and separately we fill in Adoration Hours at three different churches, which is an unbelievable blessing. Our parish has Thursdays from 12:00 noon until 7:30pm, which H has the 3-4 hour and I have the 5-6. St. Martha's has Adoration from 6:00am until 10:00pm but that parish is having trouble getting volunteers to keep it open all those hours. We do the 6-7pm on Friday nights but we usually repose Our Lord on account of no one showing up after 7. And at All Saints Church we joined the Nocturnal Adoration Society because a husband/wife team for some reason couldn't make it anymore. With nocturnal adoration it's a rotating schedule and All Saints only has it on First Friday into First Saturday. This month we had the 2-3am slot. These middle of the hours are so special. Only the two of us with Our Lord. Very very quiet. Occasional car drives by. A radiator pops and creaks. We usually say either Night Prayer or Morning Prayer, depending. Out loud, to Our Lord. We pray a Rosary out loud to Him Who Is There. When I leave All Saints after spending time with Him I feel so full, and sometimes dazed. Any prayer in the very early morning is somehow different. For me, it seems richer, almost. The silence and no distractions, gifts from the Lord that say Come, speak to me a bit. What troubles you? What is on your mind.

Words that are not heard but felt.



Three plus hours of Adoration in two plus days is, for me, a very real gift. For the rest of the weekend I felt at times so fragile, but also so very clear. I was filled up with the Lord, and in His filling up He slowed me down, slowed my mind down a bit and though the feeling of Him filling me to the brim has somewhat passed the slowing down has not. Each time I knelt before Him it was as if He was saying something soothing, a wordless drawing of me to Him. Lately my quiet times with Our God has left me more aware, more alert, for lack of a better description. Other events happened during the weekend but they all pale in my reflection of my time with Our Lord. The more often I can place myself before Him, the more clearer my purpose for Him will become, that I truly believe.

Todays Gospel

Today, one of my favorite Gospel readings; Mark 6:7-13. I'm willing to bet this was one of St. Francis' faves too. I remember reading in the Omnibus how Francis was so excited when there were enough Brothers to send out to different lands on preaching missions and how excited he was when some didn't come back! I couldn't help but try to compare (well, not compare, wrong choice of words!) but how we are first called to the Lord and then he sends us out, sometimes two by two to preach, (my wife and I) usually by example, to our family, our friends, our co-workers, everyone who touches our lives. And like the early Franciscan brothers some of us come back and some do not, not necessarily because of physical death but spiritual death. For some of us the Narrow Way is maybe too difficult, and for whatever reasons some fall away or grow quiet. We don't know why. I know a lot of people who have grown quiet over the years, accepting the road they're on to be the one for them, the path that will lead them to Him. I grow sad even now thinking about them, close friends and family members that I've had a hard time reaching as I'm traveling on my road, my journey for Him. Even though I own a home and cars and all the "stuff" that goes along with this life when I'm representing Him it is only me, -no food, no sack no money in my belt-trying to preach by example and sometimes using words.

The Presentation...of me

On this Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord I find myself focusing on how we, like the child Jesus, are presented to our God everyday, not by our mothers, although the Blessed Mother helps us if we ask her, but how we present ourselves to Him, every day, every moment. Some days, the person we present is better than others. Today is not a very good presentation day for me. Things have bothered me today and since this is a very busy week for me I seem to be focusing on the negative instead of the positive, I'm trying to influence the day instead of letting the Lord influence me. The Lord Our God deserves better than this.

More prayer is needed....and humility....and humbleness.

Friday Fast

The best fast is on bread and water. Through fasting and prayer, one can stop wars, one can suspend the laws of nature. Charity cannot replace fasting. Those who are not able to fast can sometimes replace it with prayer, works of love, and confession; but everyone, except the sick, must fast. - BVM 7/21/82

The intersession of Our Mother and the gifts from Our God are amazing; I was reminded of that today. As I was sitting at my desk at work this morning (5:45, yikes!) with my coffee (yes, coffee), I heated up a small roll H had bought for today, a fast day for us. Before I ate it, in my prayer I asked God to help me get through this day without too many stumbles in my fasting, to keep me strong and not weak minded, to just keep an eye on me. I'm not good at fasting. H can get by with water and well, usually just that until supper, when the menu usually is pizza dough with a little grated cheese on it. Me, I sort of cheat with crackers, maybe a pretzel or two, and really, too much bread. But my mind never really feels right, I'm more concerned with what I don't have than the gifts I do have. So, for me, it's a constant uneasy go of it, even with much prayer.
At 8:00am we have a break for breakfast and that's when I do my morning reading from MEDJUGOREJE DAY BY DAY by Richard Beyer. And there, just for me (so I think!) was today's message from Our Blessed Mother. In my heart, I felt a joy, almost a jolt of sorts, as I read the words. This is my second time through this book, which I read every morning, and I've heard the BVM speak of fasting many times, but today she made Herself known to me in this sweet small way. "I'm with you, we'll get through this day together," is what I felt after reflection on the message. I need that today, more than I usually do. There have been issues with family members and close friends that have been weighing on H and myself this week or so and it seems that with every step forward in dealing with these arising's everyone takes two steps back. A quiet weekend lies ahead, and I hope a time for prayer and reflection.
My day is not over yet, and the end of the month work hysteria that accompanies it has arrived and 4:30 is looking better and better. Holy Hour from 6-7 tonight is a blessing in itself.

Conversion Reflection

What more can I add to the already fine posts I've read today about one of the greatest stories in the Bible, the conversion of Saul? Nothing, really, but I will say this; I can see a bit of Saul in me, not so much now, but from a long time ago and that period in my life lasted for most of it until now. Although I never had anyone dragged away in chains I still, in my way persecuted them, verbally mostly, but in those acts I'm sure I inflicted damage on untold peoples lives that I'll never know. Someday I'll have to spend a considerable amount of time in prayer about my actions and even as I write this more and more events of my past life percolate upward. The type of actions that are only burnt away in purgatory. ...what you have done to the least of my brothers... To say we are human is not enough, it is no excuse at all. It's only a way to avoid the narrow gate, the Way of Life. He said to me "Go deeper," and I asked him, what do you mean, Lord, what do you want me to do?

In this reflection at least one path has been made clear to me.