Sunday, December 26, 2010 I must give all to Him.

   I could say I've finally found the time to blog, but in reality I could have posted here if I'd really felt the urge, but the words weren't there, and they still aren't, really, but I find that if I don't put out there what I feel inside then it gets bottled up and hidden, hidden by myself from myself at times, so I guess one could say this is therapeutic.  I have been posting on my other blogs, Oremus and The Narrow Gate, but none of the words on those are my words.  Oremus I use to post prayers and other spiritual pieces that I come across, and The Narrow Gate is writings from a book I'm reading, a friends book.  We go through life meeting people, some come and go, some make impressions, some not.  And some will change your way of thinking forever.  And so became The Narrow Gate.
   I love the Advent Season, I really do, and I love Christmas.  That said, it seems no matter how hard I try to keep Advent 'pure', meaning to me a four weeks of just living my life more in the anticipation of Our Lord's Coming, I let issues get to me just enough so that, by the time the 24th arrives, I'm disappointed in myself.  Nothing major, just that so much happens in the month of December as to distract me just enough so that I end up feeling that I've given Our yet Unborn Lord not what he deserves in my time contemplating Him.  For in contemplation is prayer, me speaking to God.  All just irreverent selfishness, I know, but I still feel sad.  I've come to see that it's almost an impossibility for me to reach even the path that I truly long for, never mind even the goal.  The life I lived before is ingrained so deep into me, the cleansing will take the rest of my life here on earth, whether that be one more day or fifty more years.  
And I'm not even counting purgatory...
   To give to God 100% of your life.  I used to think I understood what that meant.  I used to think I understood what to die to self meant. I think I know, but can I do it?  Can I do it everyday, every second, for the rest of my life?  I don't know.  I know I will try, and I must believe, I MUST believe that God will give me the graces every time I fall.  Every time I don't understand my brother or my sister in the world, and I begin to judge and not love.  Love thy Neighbor.  Only three words, but in those three words the command of Jesus lies.  Love thy Neighbor.  Jesus knew that those words hold the key to everything, but can I, us, the whole human race live those three words?  I can't even live them all the time.  Yet He calls us to do just that.  God even became like us to help show us, but do we follow, do we look?  
Do we love?
   Sometimes only in convenience I love, because loving my neighbor is hard, at times.  At work it is always hard.  So many people are so different from me that...
What a sorry excuse.  Yet in that small place in my mind, at times that thought erupts, and I hesitate.  I hesitate and He lets me know, He lets all of us know with the inner voice of Him that only we can hear.  Oh, Lord, to be able to be guided by that voice, to let my heart follow Yours, as You long for me to do.  I've tried to let the Silence of Advent guide me these last few weeks.  I don't know how well of a job I've done. Last Thursday, the 23rd, I spent two hours in Adoration and was blessed with graces from Him that I did not deserve but He gave anyway, for no reason other than Love.  Talk about mysteries.  To me, all of God is a mystery.  The mystery of His love for us.  How can it be?  I think it's time for a Rosary.  The wind is blowing and the snow is flying.  The short afternoon is slipping away towards the darkening night.  The Mystery of His Birth looms large before me, a comfort.  His love for us has arrived.  He has given to us, now I must give all to Him.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Waiting for the Light

I haven't posted in awhile, for many reasons, none of which are important.  The spiritual world of Our Father, the life we are called to live on this earth has been slowly, ever so slowly, filling in the dark places that I've lived in for so many years.  The more we let Him into our lives, let Him in and give ourselves over to Him...   the more our eyes will be opened.  
This Advent has been much different than others, but isn't that always the case?  Each year seems to bring about changes unforeseen, leaving us always one step behind.  At least that's the way it is with me.  I always have some idea about tomorrow, or the day after, but it's never like I planned when it arrives.  One case in point;  Tuesday evening our K of C council had our Christmas Social, (in old-fashioned terms, Christmas party).  We invite the Ladies Guild, Catholic Daughters, the Friars, nuns, widows, you name it.  Last year was not a good turnout, and since hardly anyone got back to me (1 person did) concerning what to bring, I expected the worst.  When we emerged from our very short meeting, the Hall was filled with more than 50 people, and their was enough food for many more than that.  Everyone thanked me for having such a great 'event'.  I didn't do anything!  He did it all!  He did it all because he is in charge, he directs me because I've learned to let Him lead me, as I should.  But with this new found docility that I've been granted the grace to understand, this pliability to mold me to understand, comes with it the narrow gate, the very narrow gate that leads to His Door.  Oh God, my God, at times I wonder how I ever got this far along in my miserable life! You were in charge even then, although I had no idea.  You waited for me, Lord, you waited and then you sent your Mother to open the door.  And now I find myself waiting for you, O Son of Man, waiting in that deep silence of Advent that you've put me in this year.  'Reflect on the mysteries of the Rosary,' people tell me.  In the darkness of these unusually cold late fall nights, in my contemplations I realize that I've never really entered into these ancient mysteries at all, only spoke about them and recited them by rote.  And the mystery of Joseph, his call from God and his complete strength and obedience to those calls.  Lord, how I wish I were more to my family as your foster father was to you and your Mother!  My worries and fears paralyze me at times, and I yearn now to hear you voice say to me Pick up your mat, and walk.  I am trying, Lord, even though they may be baby steps.  
This Sunday, the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, I will be re-consecrating myself to Our Blessed Virgin Mother.  I am in the baby step age group with this also, this being my third re-consecration.  I'll be attending 12:00 Noon Latin High Mass with a Rosary procession to follow honoring our B.V.M., followed by a guest speaker who will speak on her 30 years in the war against abortion.  Being Sunday, I will give myself over all my activities completely to Him.  What better way to spend the Lord's Day?  
  It's getting late, and I've been up since 4:00 am.  The house is cold, the kids are gone, H is asleep.  Night prayer calls, and perhaps that last Rosary after that.  To my left is My Ideal Jesus Son of Mary, which I'm only 2/3 of the way through.  In the back it has a page or two for re-consecrating, but I always read the entire book.  Even though I say a small prayer to Her every morning, it's not the same as this one special day.  To give back to Her in some small way for what she did for us so long ago, and for what she still does now.  The inspired words of My Ideal Jesus challenge me, and help keep me on the narrow road.  
The clock ticks on.  Downstairs, I know that last log is pretty much gone, and in front of the hearth I'll make my nights' last stand.  For me, the late evening is a good time to contemplate the Blessed Ones, The Holy Trinity, Mary, and all the Saints.  For in this darkness of night, Lord, you help me see Light.