Francis

Tonight is our Secular Frnciscan monthly meeting. I have the Omnibus, which I've just read, here at lunch. After the second opening, I read. And as it sometimes happens, something that is murky becomes crystal clear. Lately, for months, really, my spiritual life is, well, murky, for lack of a better word. I think I know what I'm looking for as I travel on the RB50, but then Bang! I'm shown what I've REALLY been looking for the whole time. A confirmation on something that was gnawing at me, a revalation that begins as a dot in the distance and becomes a freight train aiming right at me. Again, it happened with reading Francis. An affIrmation by the Friars becomes MY affirmation. The train has run me down again.

I've been trying to find the right words to convey what happened to me beginning with Lent, through Easter (I know, it's still Easter!) then The Jamaica Trip, next The Retreat and lastly out to Steubenville Ohio and a weekend at Franciscan University. All heady stuff. Well, don't expect anything more, if ever. I have no words for what Our Lord does, or The Father does. Lent was hard in some ways and a relief in others. I like Lent. I like the way it forces me inward, because most of the time I can't focus enough to do it on my own. From Palm Sunday until Easter Sunday I'm frightened and mesmerized at the same time. And then the Jamaican Trip. Being at St. Mary's Above Rocks was, to me living a true Franciscan life. Helping people, total strangers, really praying together, living simply. An experience that I reflect on often, wondering how I can incorporate that same charism into my every day life.
Our Lord is always asking us to come, follow Me, and we hear the call, not with the actual voice of Jesus but in the different events that sweep us in, events that God puts in our path. Sometimes we walk right by, oblivious to our Lord's calling. I was blessed, these past four or five weeks to hear the Quiet Whisper, to feel that wellspring of love rise in me and cut off my speech, stop me in my tracks, many times. Two and a half days of quiet solitude with the Maronite Monks of the Eucharistic Adoration slowed me right down, and turned me inward even more. And then for Heln and I to see my son Odin graduate from Franciscan University, well, that was one of the most proudest moments in my life. Just keep breaking out the tissues!
I didn't start out with much to say but I found a word or two. I'll end this by saying to just keep listening, Our Lord is constantly speaking to us, always showing us the way to him. We must watch and listen.

May 14th, St Mathias, Apostle

"What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see the misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men and women. That is what love looks like."

St. Augustine Of Hippo

I could not of said it better. God calls us all to follow in His Sons' footsteps, to be like His Son, to love like his son. Many times I find myself ignoring the sighs and sorrows of my fellow workers, people I work with every day, and even my own family! I can tell something is wrong but I'm hesitant, I say nothing. Lord, help me to see and react, to be that caring person, to my friends, family and especially to strangers. Please help me to open this stone cold heart...

Man guilt

So Mother's Day has come and gone and my feelings of inadequacy are right up there where they usually are; not feeling like I've done enough for anyone. When it comes to Holidays, Birthdays, anniversaries, you name it, I fail. For all that Our Lord has said about giving you'd think I'd at least have a clue. None. Whether or not I do anything or do nothing, I still feel guilty.
In a slight depression, if I think about it, and if not, it goes away. I think (I shouldn't!) I get caught up in outside issues and these events get in the way of clear thinking. Clear thinking to me is an unaltered path to God. I'm selfish, I admit. When my prayer life becomes interrupted I get cranky. So the events of the last few days have thrown me out of sinc a bit; too bad. As a Franciscan I must learn to be flexible, not static or rigid.

It's probably the head cold that's making me feel bloated and weird, and not anything else at all. Or the 9 hour ride back from Ohio and then the 3 1/2hrs. sleep Sunday night before work on Monday. No complaints! I know it's just the cold, they always knock me for a loop. And writing this all down is helping to wash these feelings away. (Also, I knew I should have steered clear of that doughnut!)

Many Issues...

Last night our Knights of Columbus council had its monthly dinner meeting, consisting of my K of C favorite; meat loaf, mashed potatoes, corn, salad and bread. Yum! And of course, coffee and our gallon of red wine. (2 glasses.) Our Grand Knight has been trying to get me to run for Grand Knight in the upcoming election. At the last meeting I reluctantly told him I'd think about it, more just to appease him (I really do like Herman. He's 93. Yes, 93.) Last night I told everyone no, I will not accept the nomination. But I did agree to Chancellor. (whatever that is. Looks like #3 man.) John H. and I both had to eat and run on account of the last choir rehearsal for the Confirmation Mass tonight. Sadly, it will be the last time we sing together for a while, since H and I only sing with the regular choir on special occasions. We sounded good, or rather Lida said we sounded good, which is all that matters.
Celena has another case of cellulitus(?) starting from an alleged bug bite. She's on meds but I still worry about her all the time. She's mature for her age, big and strong, but still so fragile. I've been praying for her constantly since I awoke; this mornings Rosary I dedicated to her. She goes to the doctor at 1:15.

I'm still trying to come to some type of inner understanding on what took place with me in Jamaica. To say it was a profound spiritual event is just using words that I don't deserve. This trip, this mission and what took place was for me, God showing me something, about myself, other people, my stone cold heart, I don't know. I'm still in the reflection mode. I know it was good. (Ha!, now that's a lame word!) It's almost like one has spent his or her life looking at something with one's head directed in a certain way; then something (the trip) or someone (God) or the combination reaches down and helps to turn the head. A new view has occurred, a new way of thinking emerges, something new from something old.

...more later...

Final Preparations!

Getting ready to leave tomorrow for the Jamaica Mission trip and getting ready is always a trying time for me; I'm not good at tying up the lose ends and whatnot. That I leave to H, and I shouldn't. I have this romantic idea of just throwing a couple of things in a bag and running out the door, like Bilbo Baggins did, following Gandalf and the dwarfs in 'The Hobbit.' Not! I also get real emotional about my daughter, Celena. I know, by a long shot that I haven't lived up to her expectations as a Dad, and I haven't lived up to MY own expectations. We all wish we could have been the perfect dad. I just doesn't happen. So the regrets tear at you, and all the more when its time to part. I just want to watch over her, hold onto her, make sure no harm comes to her, calm her fears. I don't know if I've ever accomplished any of those things. I know she doesn't need me to do any of those things, I'm just a father and I want to, probably just to calm my own insecurities and fears. Odin, on the other hand, I never worry about. His existence on this earth supports me.

I know I'll feel better when I get on the plane.

The Last of Days

As we all know, tomorrow begins The Triduum. Lent proper ends after Holy Thursday Mass and the Paschal Fast begins. From what I've read it is a stricter form of fast, which I may just seque into. This Lent has had its ups and downs for me, at times feeling far away but often the Crucifixion appears very close, just outside my field of vision. I wish ( I shouldn't) I could find more quiet time in my life, right now it's just not there. But I'm not here to pick and choose. I'm here to do what the Lord asks of me, and my main job is to listen to Him.

Bearing the Cross

I just read a wonderful story on the internet about two young men from Fairfield University in southern CT who each built a 40lb. cross and then carried them the 22 miles to St. Mary's Church in New Haven. I felt so proud and happy for these men, to show their 'Face of Christ' to all the world that I figured I would leave a comment. After registering, I wrote a very nice (so I thought!) comment, religiously laced and expressing what I thought was a very spiritual view of the event. It must have been a bit too spiritual, because the webmaster immediately deleted it. Gone. Not to post. What did I say so wrong? It's gone, now, I can't even reproduce it. Such a sad time when our true christian views are shut down. And about a religious event, too.

Before I get too far with anything, I must thank the Lord. I don't know of any good way to say it, and saying it really means nothing. I can only thank the Lord by putting on that suit of armor that is Christ, and bring him with me everywhere I go, to help me with every thought I think and with everyone I meet. I forget, His love I drive from my immediate thought sometimes so easily, and I become a whining boy, (yes, a whining boy!) feeling sorry for myself when all around me wonderful things are happening, beautiful Christ-filled people are making the world move, keeping it spinning in place instead of flying off, and I'm a whining boy. Thank you, Lord for the three eye-opening moments these last few days, first with H, then with a pancake and finally with words from the Gospel, written by St. Paul and uttered by a priest. Thank you for planting my feet firmly here on the ground with my eyes turned heavenward, remembering the Cross.

This day started rough. At times my body feels worn out, stiff as heck, especially getting out of bed. Ouch! I asked and He complied. So that complaint is written once and never more.
I haven't talked with C yet, only to say good night after she got home at 10:30 last night. I heard she was a bit rough with the Rabbi but I'm sure he can take it. C is a deep one, and I think she has the room inside of her to let all ideas, be they spiritual or secular, have a home. I know her fairly well, and I know she thinks about things she hears, tossing them around inside. She'll think about the visit with the Rabbi.

Thinking of You, Lord, no matter what

I sometimes feel that I'm looking for answers where their are none, or, that that answer hasn't been revealed yet, or something. This especially happens when I'm stressed, when the work day is not right or my daylong prayer is broken and fractured, and time goes by and then I realize, Hey, what have I been doing? Nothing good, it seems. Ignoring our Lord, that's what I've been doing. Those times can make a day seem useless, not really useless, but the day can seem that way.

Well...

That was two days ago, and now it's the Feast of the Annunciation of Our Lord, and things look and feel a lot better. Dark funk clouds get a hold of me at times, it's like if I stray just a little bit to either side the dark funk swallows me up. Not a good thing, I'm not complaining about it, it just happens. I figure The Lord has a purpose for it, so I just let it go. I do wish I could hide when it happens though, everyone notices and that's what I hate the most. (Well not hate, really. Too strong a word.) I just silently praise the Lord for all he has given me, the glorious and the grey.

H and C are on their way to see the Rabbi, a wonderful old Rabbi who goes by that name, who holds mini spiritual retreats every Wednesday for basically non-Jews. H normally has to shuttle people to and fro from these events, but C only had a 1/2 day of school which lead to her going with H. Not without complaints, but she went. I sent her a text message saying to forget about yourself for two hours and enjoy the company of God.

She didn't text back, which means she's thinking about it.

Try as I might, after this most recent 'event' at work, after my heartfelt and sincere apology to the person I offended, I'm still feeling a cold lump of uneasyness in my chest. Since then this person, even though she said she accepted my apology she really hasn't, and has since refused to speak to me or have any interaction with me unless I initiate the conversation. And even then it is one word answers, dripping with hate. She cannot get passed the forgiveness stage, and maybe I shouldn't even be forgiven but I feel that I'm stuck in a place with no firm ground. I know I must move forward but I really don't want to leave this person behind. I felt that, a long time ago the Blessed Virgin Mother asked me to look after her, do whatever she asked of me, and I have. But my skin is not thick, and she can be, in my opinion, mean at times. I get no closer to an answer through prayer, I just seem to dance around the issue but get no closer.

Maybe this is as close as I can get.

St. Francis, walk with me today, be at my side and help me be humble, more humble than I've ever been.

Thoughts on Lent...

With the focus on, for me, the different aspects of Lent (fasting, prayer, penance) a quietness has settled in on me, as if the world of noise and distraction has been turned down a notch. Still, little things pull me away from God, and I find I'm constantly hammering at myself for for stumbling. I'm not very good at work, my buttons get pushed to easily and then I find myself in a place I shouldn't be. My workplace brings out the worst in me, I realize that now. It is a challenge everyday to see the Lord Jesus before me.

I fail constantly.

Lent

So Lent begins...

A friend gave me a small calendar, 'My Lenten Daily Devotions'. Each tearoff has the date, a Gospel reading for the day, etc. Near the bottom of the page is a reading. My Offering to God: "I will anonymously do something kind for someone. "

I hope I can.

Night Willies

What is with the dreams, all of a sudden? Not just forgettable dreams but ones that have been turning out wrong, dreams that challenge me. I don't ever remember dreaming of nuns, priests, brothers or sisters but I am now. And a man that I haven't seen in years dressed as a priest. Not good dreams. It's like I have to stay awake during the dream to keep myself out of trouble.

Monday, in the middle of the long haul between New Years' and Easter. That's how the work time frame is viewed here in the shop, the time one works continually between holidays. It's sad, but a reality. I find myself thinking that way at times, knowing full well I shouldn't. I'm still dealing with inner issues that, often enough, freeze me in a place that I can't get out of. At times my prayers are answered in a way that I can see first hand but mostly God is hidden, hidden behind myself. I know myself is what I must get rid of, lay at Our Lords feet and say here, here it is, I can't handle it anymore! The baggage is just too much.
I'm trying, everyday I try.

Thursdays are good days for me. I have the 5-6pm hour for spending time with Our Lord in Adoration. After about 10-15 minutes I'm the only one left in the church. If I can unwind and quiet myself enough the silence inside and out is truly God sent.
This week was no different.
Then, H and I have the 6-7pm hour on First Friday, at All Saints Church, Somers. This week we recieved a call on Wed. night asking if we could fill in for the 1-2am slot also.
We accepted the invitation, without hesitation.
We've always wanted to to an overnight slot, and it was beautiful.. We read the Office provided for us, which took the whole hour, and I mentioned that I did'nt think that was right, I thought we read too much. We'll get it right.
Then, up at 5:30am for Rosary at the church before Reposition, then First Saturday Mass. All beautiful, beautiful. And to do it with my companion through life, my wife H.

I never left, but I'm back

Back up and running after a long delay.

Living with an in-law

Right now, Granny is asleep, being awake just for an hour is almost too much for her. 24/7 care takes a lot out of everyone. You forget sometimes how often we just walk out the door without thnking about the consequences.