A reflection...

Well, there ended up being no time found to post when I wanted to say something and then when I had time, my mind was cooked. But that's OK. The end of Advent/Beginning of Christmas was busy, but at times, blessedly enveloped in silence. Even when we were singing in the choir at the Vigil Mass on Christmas Eve I tried to let silence rule. In between songs, just the reflection of the Baby Jesus in the womb. Not easy. I feel that Mass is sometimes the hardest place to focus in on Our Lord. Just too many distractions, but that's another issue, another post. Concerning the Choir, every year H and I say this is it, no more Folk Choir and regular Choir singing at the holidays, but we end up doing it anyway. We're asked, and we feel guilty saying no! At least H can sing, I just squawk along and try. But Lida keeps asking me back, so I can't say no, can I? I always equate it with Our Lord asking. Who can say no to someone or something that is good for one and all but pushes us out of our comfort zone a bit? I can't, not any more. The comfort zone was a topic in our meditation yesterday at our Secular Franciscan Christmas Gathering. Let me say right first, our gathering was just that, a gathering of brothers and sisters of like mind, devoted to living the Gospel and following in Our Lord's footsteps wherever that may lead. It felt really good to be there, breaking bread and praying together. At our monthly meetings there is always work to do, and even after the meeting proper, when we have a little snack, about half of our group has to leave on account of time constraints. So yesterday was a day to just relax and chat, to enjoy each other's company and rejoice in so many blessings that have been given to us. That said, in our group of about 25 or so there are two or three strong personalities that, at times, well, what can I say, strong personalities are just that; strong. Yesterday they weren't there, and the gathering took on a decidedly different feel. Our hostess, Marilyn steped in for the reading and reflection, and it was beautiful. Our Minister, Rich, played his guitar quietly in the background. The sun broke through the grey overcast and streamed in through the windows with that slanted and weak winter brightness. Some spoke of Francis, others of Our Blessed Mother, and I think we all felt the presence of Jesus there.
I know for myself, my comfort zone was nudged big time when I became Grand Knight for our K of C Council 1395. I don't consider myself G.K. material, didn't have any aspirations for it and tried to stay clear of the one-man committee that was trying to find a worthy G.K. But as I believe, God, when he wants us for something, he knocks on that door, and keeps knocking, nudging, until we let him in. It was good to hear others speak of their experiences this way, and in that, knowing we are not alone in our dealings with God. As I write this I see more clearly how we must let God lead us, to almost shout the phrase that has been sung so many times before; Lord, show me the way! Show me Your Will that I may do it!

Christmas Eve Day

Hopefully I'll find time this Christmas weekend to post. A lot has gone on during this Advent, almost too much. Isn't that always the way this time of year? The secular world nudges in no matter how hard we try to keep it out. And we really don't want to keep it out completely, we just are trying to keep focused. And that can be very hard unless one lives in a cave. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad...

Merry and Blessed Christmas, and thanks for all the exchange of ideas during this year!

Peace to all as we await the Lord!

A reflection...

A wonderful reflection today in Medjugorje Day By Day.


C. S. Lewis...wrote that "Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbor, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ is vere latitat-truly hidden."
In this sense the love of neighbor is parallel to the love of God; we cannot love one without the other since they are inseparable-the vine and the branches, the Mystical Body of Christ.

Reflect of the words of St. Teresa of Avila: "Though we do not have Our Lord with us in the bodily presence, we have our neighbor, who, for the ends of love and loving service, is as good as Our Lord himself."

I just wanted to share that with everyone. It seems that in these days of Advent I know I myself, in prayer, have felt, seen and heard many gifts given to me by Our God, for me, more than ever before. It seems every time I turn He is there, though not in plain sight, he is there watching to see if I saw, if I caught the glimpse, or felt His touch.

Our God is a wonderful God.

Confession

Yesterday, being Thursday is our day of Adoration in our parish. I have the 5-6pm hour, which gives me just enough time to get there after work. After Sister Barbara left about 5:10 I was alone with Our Lord. For the beautiful silence in there it could have been midnight. Only the creaks and groans of an old church. During this Advent season the Friars are offering Confession from 6:30-7:30, after which Our Lord is returned to the Tabernacle. This Saturday, on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe I will re-consecrate to Our Lord Jesus through Mary for the third year in a row, so having confession available was truly a God-send. I've been thinking lately about Confession, and how last Sat. with a priest who hasn't heard my confession before I sort of froze up, and never got to the place where I wanted to go, to confess a different level, you might say, of my sinful life. I just ended up repeating the same round of sins as usual, the same repeatable sins that I do week in and week out. I don't know, but I think I may have these sins, to some degree, the rest of my working life, because I relate these sins to my work place, the place where I am 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. I struggle with these sins, pray about them, gain on them and then, they overtake me again. A constant battle, but the Lord has granted me the gift to know that these sins, these challenges are my cross to carry for Him, my road to travel to Him.
In Confession I think Fr. R. was able to understand somewhat where I was going in explaining the reason why I wanted him to be more firm with me and not fall back on the mantra "Your too hard on yourself!" I'm done with that penance. I need to hear it from a Priest, from Jesus-on- earth that when you daydream during Evening Prayer that is wrong, don't do it, focus on the incense rising to Heaven. That even though one tries to do three Rosaries' a day, if not even one is done truly from the heart then why bother? These human frailties bother me, and I hope Fr. R understood, I think he did but more importantly do I understand what He wants of me, or am I just listening to myself, dreaming of what I'd like to be.

Andrew, my Guardian Angel

Today is the Feast of St. Andrew, which is my middle name, my Dad's name and also the name of my Guardian Angel. How do I know that, you ask? Well, two years ago we were out at Franciscan University in Ohio, visiting our son. If you've never been there it's worth going to if your in the area. For myself, I can truly say that on that campus I felt the real presence of God every time we were there. He is in the buildings, on the grounds, with the Franciscan priests, the brothers and sisters but especially with the students. It's quite a place. The have a beautiful replica of the Portiunculla, the first church that Francis rebuild, and very near to that chapel is a Memorial to the Unborn. H and I always spend time there, sitting on one of the stone benches,
each with our own thoughts. On that occasion, in a great overcoming rush of memory, I remembered that in my previous life, now far back in a time I can't believe at times it actually was, my first wife became pregnant, and she had an abortion. Our baby, and she had the abortion. And I let it happen. Then, as even now, in times of stress, I'm not very good. I usually either freak out, yelling, saying things I shouldn't, emotions running rampant, sense out the window. Or I clam up and hide in myself for a while, hide until someone else takes care of the problem or it goes away. I remember doing just that, I can still remember the numb feeling that settled in. Her Mother even helped her. It was bizarre. I put the whole thing away, put it away in one of those dark chinks we all have just for those occasions. Until Our Lord brought it back for me on that warm October afternoon, sitting on the smooth stone bench, as I gazed at dried red roses that someone had left, the many sets of rosary beads draped across the headstone, the small candles flickering. He let it come back with the strength of a freight train, no holding back, Our Lord saying here, here is a gentle reminder of what man can do, what we do do every day, what I did back then. And it hurt. I had never felt that hurt, never had anyone snatched away like that and I let it happen and he/she was gone. I will always carry with me that tremendously sad howl that came from that dark chink where I'd stored that memory. I'll remember both days, the day I wanted to forget and the day I remembered forever.

And after I'd calmed down, after prayer, after H held me and didn't say a word, all of a sudden he was just there, and I knew with 100% certainty that he'd been there forever, my Guardian Angel, right next to me. I felt God's love coming from him, he felt so familiar and I knew his name was Andrew. In his own G.A way he was saying hey, I'm here, I'm yours, ask me and I'll help.

Andrew has been busy hanging with Helen, whose been battling a possible case of Dengue Fever. By the look of things, he helped.

Adoration

Okay, I admit, I was wrong. Dengue Fever is the correct name, and it is a mosquito borne virus which is non-treatable and lasts about a week. Ignore most of my last post. H had just about everything that most internet sites explained it as, plus it really puts a strain on your liver. Dr. S. called late today and said to only eat bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. Those foods the liver has not quite such a hard time breaking down. H has been eating tiny bit s of everything but what's on that food list, hence the upset stomach and the constant burping.

The road to recovery is taken with baby steps...



H and I signed up for an hour of Adoration at St. Martha's Church in Enfield. This church has a beautiful Latin Rite Mass every Sunday at noon. They've had a small adoration chapel for the last 27 years but at the last Mass we went to the group of parishioners who oversee the scheduling had a table set to sign up anyone who could take an hour or more. The Friday night from 6-7 was open, so we took it. Who wants Friday night from 6-7? Not too many people, by the looks of it. We thought it a good Franciscan thing to do, take the hour that nobody wants. Although we've been to Adoration there many times this was our first night with the 6-7 slot. H couldn't go but she said go, I'll be fine, so I went. Four people there but at 6:05 I was the only one left. And it stayed that way for the whole hour I was there. Just me, the wind outside the window and Our Lord, about five feet away from me. After my readings and prayers it was just one on one, He and I, in the quiet of that room. It was, I feel, the most peaceful and uplifting Adoration Hour I've ever spent. If H wasn't home so sick I would have spent another hour there with Him. At 7:00 no one showed, and by 7:15 I decided to follow the directions on the back of the door for reposing Our Lord. That in itself, although just entailing blowing out four candles, reposing Our Lord and locking the door will always be remembered by me in a special way. I did something special for him. I helped put Our Lord to bed, one might say. For me, it was something especially moving, especially beautiful.

Update #2

After more blood work done this morning Dr. S. phoned with the results: White and red cell count both up, with the white doubling from the last tests (wed.). At that moment he was leaning towards some sort of Hepatitis. Then, 10 minutes later Margaret called to tell us that 16 year old Patrick, who had gone to Haiti with the group was in Mass General diagnosed with Dun gay Fever. Helen immediately called Dr. S. back and he said yes, it all might be making more sense. He said he's going to stop the Hep. tests and focus on the Dun gay Fever tests. One catches this fever from breathing the dust from the dirt roads in poor, third world countries like Haiti. The defecation from all the animals using the road, plus anything that dies on the road turns to dust and Helen's' group breathed a lot of it on they're two hour journey to a far away school. She said they all had handkerchiefs wrapped around their mouths but I guess it doesn't matter much. On last year's trip one of the guys who went contracted D.F. but never had it treated. He just rode it out. I guess it eventually goes away. Yeow! I told her if I had known of this hazard I would have gotten the group a box of decent respirators. We use them at work and a box of 15 I can get for about $16.00. Hindsight is ...

Update

So this is the latest with Helen; Blood tests confirm no H1N1, no stomach ailment that is known, not even an allergic reaction to the chloroquine. She could still have malaria, even though she took pills to not get it, or it could be a virus, which will just have to work its way out, or who knows. More blood tests on Friday to see if her red and white blood cell count goes up. Right now both are way down, which leaves her very susceptible to any infection. So the two of us are just going to hang low for Thanksgiving. Today she was up for most of the day, hungry as heck but a tuna fish sandwich finally did her in and she's nauseous again. Keep her in your prayers that the Doctors either figure it out or it finally works its way away.

Nasty business

A small lull in the blogging scene, although I've been reading plenty of them, just not commenting or posting on my own. Helen returned from Haiti last Thursday evening, I picked her up at Logan in Boston. There's always a little getting used to each other every time H returns from a trip but this time was different. By the end of the day Friday she was sick as a poor dog. And of course its the weekend, so its either the emergency room or wait it out until Monday, which we did. Nausea, ache all over and a splitting headache. A trip to Dr. S neither confirmed nor ruled out H1N1, but they did all the swabs and sent her to the lab with everything in a zip lock bag and a particulate respirator to wear when going into the hospital. He said it also could be a bug picked up in Haiti, but she'll have to wait until the tests are done to find out positive. Nasty business, getting sick...

The Weekend

Quiet on the posting front. H is still in Haiti, I'll pick her up this Thursday evening. I've been out of sorts a bit since she left. It's funny how things work. As she made her plans to go to Haiti I made my plans as to what I'd do when she was gone. Nothing special, work on this, fix that. And I did get to most of them, although I couldn't get the leaf blower fixed (too much for me.) I made plans to spend more time in prayer, since the house will be quiet and I'll have extra time. Maybe take a drive to a neighboring town where a favorite church of ours has a daily Adoration that lasts until 10:00pm. Just things I could do on my own, small events to help me through my weekend. Well, none of those things materialized. Thursday Adoration was it. No Mass on Sat. morning. But instead of those carefully laid plans of mine God had his own; the gift of making breakfast for my daughter Celena Sat. morning. Taking care of her laundry (I don't mind doing it. It's been a long time since I helped her out this way.) Celena is a freshman in college, she commutes and our schedules never really coincide, so it was wonderful to spend a bit of time together and help her out. Just different stuff. But you know, maybe because Helen has been gone for a few days and I've been in a non-talking mode, in those times when I was alone, raking the leaves, cleaning at work, it seems I was able to concentrate just a little more on that conversation with God we all try to keep going 24/7. I found I was able to focus on the Mysteries a little bit longer than usual as I said my Rosary. Small prayerful times like those. And realizations that come to oneself during the course of the day, usually buried under the onslaught of our daily workload, to be forgotten almost as soon as they're revealed. Small stuff that grew in size as the weekend went on. Our Lord taking care of me for no reason. I'm just so glad I didn't miss it all.

Now is the time for prayer...

Today is a fast day for me. I've sort of complained about fasting in the past, but I won't anymore. Since H is in Haiti, I figure this is a good opportunity to actually do what I seek, which is to have more quiet time in prayer which will help me (I hope!) to turn inward more. To say there's not enough time in the day is no excuse, but it's somewhat true. I'm going to let my monkish desires prevail, or whatever I think they are. This week is fairly quiet in terms of meetings at night, etc. We gather at the church tonight for evening prayer together, but that's it, and I'm looking forward to that. But I do have to say, living alone is not what I'm used to, spiritually. When H and I are together we do everything spiritual together. Going alone is a bit different for me. It really makes me appreciate the fact the we did begin our conversion somewhat at the same time, we professed together, etc. Two became one, ain't that a fact. Even now, after all these years, the memory of my old self curls around like a smoke, which I'm just seeing out of the corner of my eye. Not good. I think Our Lord put a special trial here just for me these next 10 days. A little invitation, and a challenge for me, too.

Now is the time for prayer.

Little Children of Mary

Helen is on her way to Haiti with the group Little Children of Mary to do some mission work. This is her second trip, and she's really been looking forward to getting back there. Ten days down there, and this time they go up-country to a school that hardly gets any visitors with supplies from the states. It used to be a 6 hour ride but with the new road it's only 2, so that's one of the highlights of the trip. Please all keep her and all of LCoM in your prayers. Haiti isn't the stablest of country's, but Margret has gone about a dozen times and knows a lot of people. Also, and this is very exciting, H and Margret have a meeting set up with a high-ranking Minister whom they met over the summer at a LCoM fundraiser. The plan: To change the mind-set of this Minister, who has the power to put weight behind a push for increased abortions on Haiti. M and H hope that through all of our prayers, the intersession of the BVM and they're own witness and faith that they can change this woman's mind to drop the abortion push. Helen was most nervous about this part of the trip, how she couldn't hope that whatever she said to the Minister would do any good. I said to just let God speak through you, and let the words work. We shall see...

The Dinner Meeting

Well, I get wound up for nothing. The K of C meeting went real well, tackling most of the important issues with the members we had. And all clocking in at just over an hour. It's hard to get a lot of check-writing done without the Treasurer or Financial Secretary present, but we did what we could. Our core group of Knights is really all who show up anymore, even for a Dinner Meeting, which we had last night. Homemade meatloaf, real mashed potatoes, corn, coffee, homemade bread pudding for dessert and a bottle of red wine before the meal still couldn't bring in more than 15 people. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Maybe nothing, I don't know. I thought if I appealed to the more spiritual side of the Knights, to bring my Secular Franciscanism to bear, more guys would come back, join in the meetings. I was wrong. Maybe it's just hard to get people to come out at night, I don't know.
My wife Helen and the Deputy Grand Knight's wife, Jean, made the meal. Delicious! Our next meeting will be the Christmas Social, which will bring together the Ladies Guild, Catholic Daughters, widows of Knights that have passed on, the Friars, the Sisters and family members. Not till next month, though. I'm taking a breather right now. Time to focus more deeply on simple prayer. When we have an event coming up I have a hard time putting 100% into anything. It seems like everything I do only gets 60% of my attention, the event, family, work, prayer. I'm sure everyone has the same problem. Right now, back to work. (If I can focus!)

A busy but pleasurable week coming up, the only dark cloud being the Knights of Columbus Dinner Meeting tomorrow night. Being the Grand Knight is not what I wanted, but I have it, so be it. I worry too much about everything, and no matter how much I delegate I always feel that it all rests on me, which it sort of does. (Ignore me, just complaining.)
Helen heads off to Haiti next week for ten days, doing mission work with The Little Children of Mary. Exciting time for her and me, well, C and I will hold down the fort, pray for a successful trip and every ones' safe return.

Forgiveness

I've been quiet this week, trying to absorb and let blow over an event that took place last Friday. Sometimes human nature can really throw you for a loop. I hate to use more cliches' but just when you think you know someone...
All it was was a small minor incident of misunderstanding, which turned into someone storming out of an event where we Secular Franciscans were helping together. A soup kitchen, of all things. I'm not going to go into details, but someone didn't like being told how to do a certain job and instead of working out the disagreement, that person just stormed out over how to stack bread...
It seemed like a rough week everywhere, at work and in our parish. Everyone on edge. At times like these I have to remember and keep in mind that Satan loves to start things and then get in the middle of them. We know he likes nothing better than to see husband and wife, children and parents, friend and friend going at it. That seemed to be the theme last week. And some people don't realize when they're hurting someone. To walk out of a soup kitchen over bread, when your in the wrong, really upsets people, which I personally witnessed. I had to watch myself. I've been known to let folk have it when innocent people get trod on. All we can do in times like that is soldier on and pray, pray, pray. At our Secular Franciscan monthly meeting on Tuesday, the issue was brought up, but in a general way, nothing serious was touched upon. Everything just blows over and lets make nice. And how ironic; the theme of our meeting was forgiveness! I didn't say much, mostly because some of the older members really had excellent insights into our discussion and I basically had nothing to add. But I thought afterward, doesn't apologizing go along with forgiveness? If your wrong and hurt someone, do you wait for unwarranted forgiveness or do you apologize?

Like I said, I better keep my mouth shut.

Trust in God!

This is a reflection from today's reading in the book Medjugorje Day by Day, by Richard J. Beyer. This is about persevering in faith, and I just felt like sharing it with you.

A missionary named Noreen Towers had worked for years among the poor in Nigeria. In spite of all her efforts, she saw absolutely no progress. She says: "I became despondent. I finally reached the breaking point one night. . . I was beaten. When I went to bed, I didn't know how I could continue." The next morning, shortly after she awoke, something strange happened to Noreen. It was as though Jesus himself said to her, "Can you not trust my plan for you?" She writes:
Then I realized that I did not have to see the plan; I only had to trust him. I arose from my bed a different person. My encounter with the living Christ changed me from a broken, defeated person into a person with unshakable hope and faith.
Today, the woman's work among the poor is bearing remarkable fruit.
Like all virtues, perseverance is a gift of grace, yet Christ never fails to bestow it on those who ask. This is the primary challenge-to rely not on our own strength and endurance, but on the Lord's. It was summarized once in a small prayer: "O Lord, I can't. You can. Please."

This short story really made an impact on me this morning, maybe because I, and maybe we, are always trying to do everything on our own; I know I do. I frustrate myself to no end, trying to get this done, make that right, please everybody, be the hero. It's still hard for me, real hard, to give up control of my life to God on a day to day basis. On a Sunday, or on retreat, it becomes easier to do, or at least to talk about it. I've got to learn to give that same love back to our Lord in the way of loss of self, in dying to Our God.

Those words are still ringing in my head: "Can you not trust my plan for you?"

Watch out for you-know-who...

As I've always said, my job brings out the worst in me. Sometimes good things, but mostly its just a lot of temptations. And I know that's alright, God has put me here just for this, for my discipline, to combat all those temptations, but more important to show the Face of Jesus to my co-workers, to spread the Gospel by my words and my deeds.
Perfect example: I receive an e-mail from a fellow co-worker, asking me to perform a certain task, to find some paperwork on the shop floor and change some numbers. Fine. I can do that. Then I realize that I think she's the only one who can perform said task, it was decided during a long and boring meeting that took place a couple of months ago. She even took the minutes to this meeting. Whatever. I ask a fellow co-worker to confirm this fact of who can change the paperwork and immediately the backstabbing starts. So and so this and so and so knows this! CC the boss on this! So on and so forth, you get the idea. And part of me wants to join in on this tirade! With all my might I have to zip my lip because the old me wants to come out at times like this, join in the fun, heap on the slander, gossip, gossip, GOSSIP! My point is you-know-who is always there, always waiting for the slightest slip-up on our part, to jam the knife in just a little deeper. I saw him coming this time, I didn't join in, I just sort of graciously got out of the conversation and left, and told myself I'll handle this my own way.
He is real. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The further we go down the Road, the sweeter the walk, but also at times the darker the journey becomes. I know I have to stay vigilant at all times, I'm my own worse enemy. Just keep focused on the Cross.

Thoughts on a Marian retreat...

H and I and two others spent this past Saturday at the National Shrine of the Divine Mercy in Stockbridge, MA. A wonderful priest, very Marian, Fr. Anthony Gramlich gave a one day retreat on St. Louis De Montfort's book True Devotion to Mary. Two talks, lunch, confessions, Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, another talk, Benediction and then Mass. Whew! What a day. My wife and I have both consecrated to Mary, me just last year on the Feast of Guadeloupe, H for a few years now. I used 'My Ideal Jesus Son of Mary' by Fr. Emil Neubert, S.M. and was planning on using it again for my re-consecration, but after hearing direct quotes for De Montfort I think I'll use his book. Fr. Anthony really knew his stuff, and although a long day, it was very inspiring, very spiritual. My consecration last year was just another in a series of, I don't know, quiet inspired moments that found its way inside of me and stayed. Your hear about these devotional acts, then you read a bit on them and it's like a seed that's planted; once in there on fertile soil, things grow. After a while it all becomes a way of life, a good life that once lived one couldn't imagine living any other way. I remember hearing and reading about the total freedom that comes from giving oneself over completely to the Lord. I could not imagine that; I had no clue, no matter how many ways I thought about it. My conversion was still at its beginnings; God was talking but I couldn't understand him, not fully, not yet.

The more you give in, the more he brings you along.

St. Teresa!

Today, as we all know is the feast day of St. Teresa of Jesus. Her and St. Francis may be the two more modern-type Saints that I admire. And I say that only because of her writings, which are so inspirational and educational and Francis because, well he just is. The two common threads I have with these two great saints is that one can really feel that you know them after delving into their lives through books, movies and videos. St Teresa almost makes deep contemplative prayer seem easy, and I mean that as saying that her explanations are quite easy to follow. I just finished Interior Castles a month or two ago and there's so much to take in that the words have really stayed with me, sitting and percolating under the brow.

Thoughts on Odin

Today has been a day similar to four years ago when we left Odin in Steubenville for his first year in college. I must have cried for the first twenty miles as we headed back east. Back then I didn't know enough to lean on Our Lord for help. Today, although I feel, and know, and see the world around me with a different eye, and I know he's there to help me, I'd just as soon let the feelings of separation and sadness wash over me, flow thru me for a bit. Letting go like that, one gets that alive feeling, and for me it makes O's leaving for a year more bearable, in a way. Make any sense? This will be hard, I know, but I also know that in a week or so I'll sort of get used to him being gone, almost like back at school. And with the cell phone he's not that far away. But still...

Last night him and Celena bought pizza for us all for our anniversary. Josh was there, Celena's boy friend, (I think our future son-in-law, but maybe I'm wrong) and we all ate together as a family. After, Odin sat with us to do Evening Prayer, something he hasn't done at all for a while. All in all a really great night to be a dad.