The next few days...

This has been an exciting few days for me. Last Tuesday, the 22ND was mine and H's last fraternity meeting as candidates. These last 2 1/2 years have been at times a struggle, but mostly filled with exhilarating moments, especially during our round-robin segments and ongoing formation discussions. I never knew just how deeply God has worked his way into my soul, the me of me. Many times I've had to stop with my presentation just because I let my emotions get the best of me. At 54 I'm still one of the youngest members, and I think sometimes the enthusiasm of H and myself can scare people. I'm hoping our Brothers and Sisters will grow to understand us a bit more. We're coming in next Wednesday and we're coming in for life! I invited my Mom and Dad, my brother and sister and there families, but we'll see who shows. At first I think they thought us joining the Seculars was a type of novelty idea on our part, something that was going to either wear off or not amount to much. I'm thinking they all looked into it a realized who the S.F. are and what the commitment is, and I think they all accept our choices. I hope so, but if not, so be it.
And this Saturday is the Transitus of St. Francis. 783 years ago on Oct. 3rd Francis flew from this earth. We are so lucky to have 3 Franciscan priests at our parish, and every year they have a nice service that evening. Other Friars and Sisters come from around the area, especially from Chicopee MA. We, the Seculars, will have a little something set up in the church hall for after the service. For a follower of St. Francis, this is a great time. I have to admit, Franciscan priests are a different lot. Some go by the letter of the law, so to speak, others, the spirit of the law, and the differences can be seen especially in the way they dress, when they're not working, so to speak. Cutoffs or jeans, tight tee shirts, lots of tattoos (Yes! Yikes!), almost anything goes in the spirit of St. Francis. I realize now that I'm more of a traditionalist. I guess maybe because I was somewhat wilder in my youth I feel closer to the more prayerful spirit of Francis and the Church. I think also, for me, there is never enough time for quiet prayer, or maybe not enough time to do nothing. When one does nothing, that leaves a lot of time for prayer.

Word loss for sure

If this is Friday, then it's a fast day. I don't want to spend a lot of words on this gift that God has given me, but I think now that the more I find it difficult to fast twice a week the more I pray about it and then the more I understand the whole gift. Get it? If it was easy for me I probably wouldn't get anything out of it. After all these years fasting still leaves me feeling, I don't know, more prayerful perhaps for lack of a better word. This is a poor attempt to describe a feeling that I can't even describe to myself. Failure!

The unexpected gift...

First, as you can see, I've changed some colors on the blog. I grew tired of the black, and it was beginning to make me uneasy, in a way. And I've come to love the browns and greys of the Franciscans, and, God willing, Oct. 7Th H and I will be professing together into the Seculars. A big day. As the time comes nearer I can sense an attitude adjustment taking place, believe me, with no will of my own. It can only be the Holy Spirit at work. I thought months ago I was ready then to profess and I was, but not in the same way I am now. The excitement of something new has passed; now the idea of the long haul has settled in and it is good. I know this is the right thing. But as all things that have to do with Our Lord God, as one door opens and you pass thru another appears, and you pray and pass thru into something different, and then the Spirit gets a hold of you and points you yet again. To me, that is part of the freedom of living with Christ, laying all your prayers, hopes, dreams, humbleness, humility at His feet, at His altar, at Himself, and letting go. When we can do that the eyes open, the heart is freed, the mind is tuned to Him. These are the small changes in my life that I try to do every day, to open my eyes, to free my heart. Some days the journey is smooth. Most days the road is rough. My job is a rough road at times, and I fail miserably at bring Jesus to the forefront there. That's usually my biggest regret at the end of the day; my failure to proclaim him to my brothers and sisters as I should. This last bit of a revelation came to me in the last 15 minutes or so of this afternoons Adoration, after Our Lord had lulled me into a strange state of, well, not prayer, and not sleeping, really, but it seemed I was in a tranquil state and then alert, tranquil state and then alert until the last few minutes when all the thoughts of the failures and how Francis must have felt when he chastised himself, when opportunities were missed even by him, moments lost by me. Every once in a while we're given a small insight by God, and I know I've missed 99% of them given me, but I think I felt a small one this afternoon. It was a small unexpected gift, a simple yet beautiful flower from a friend.

Monday Evening Rosary - aftermath

Just want to say that Monday evening rosary, The Sorrowful Mysteries, were beautiful. Just three of us, but a perfect way to end the day.

Just a note on last night. My old self reared its' ugly head yesterday, I hope only the product of a long weekend doing 'stuff' contrary to my normal living. Probably too much time at the fair, seeing too many people, which, in and of itself is not bad, but at times I can't handle it too well anymore. Come last Sunday that was my situation. I needed quiet time and I couldn't find it and instead of seeing the situation as it was and getting through the day praising God for giving me difficulties, I failed completely, feeling sorry for myself, and taking some of it out on H. I read a great quote recently but I'm afraid I don't know where or who from. It goes like this; "No matter if he is playing, working, eating, talking having fun or even sleeping, he is in prayer." I'll figure out who said it and where its from, but these are truly words to live by. Well, that was my failure, not staying in prayer most of the time this weekend. So this evening I really needed the time in church and the calming effects of Our Mother and the Rosary. Thank you Rosary folk and Praise God!

Evening Rosary

Today is the third Monday of the month, so that means Evening Rosary at our church. Two Mondays' ago it was Labor Day, and I really didn't expect anyone to show up but I was hoping, but at 7:00pm it was only H and I. Which really doesn't matter to me. I'm there to start the rosary at 7:00 and to make sure the doors get locked when we're done. God provides the rest. But I do have to say, with the westering light flowing through the stained glass just as we begin, and only a few lights on inside the church, with the heavy silence broken only by our voices in chant-like unison, St. Edward Church is a beautiful place to be on a Monday evening, whether it's only me, or H and myself or 6 or 8 others. It's a nice place to be.

Come and join us.

Over-done at the Big E

Today H and I, our son, our daughter, her boyfriend, (good kid), H's two sisters and a niece went up to New England's great fair, The Big E. And it was good, for most of the day. Everyone got along just fine, we shared food, (although being Friday, H and I were fasting, sort of. More on that later.) saw a lot of stuff and enjoyed each other's company. But by the time late afternoon rolled around, I'd had enough. Too many people, too much noise, too much of the world I'm trying to leave behind pressing in all around me. H felt the same. For those 4 or 5 hours that this Fair had pushed itself into my consciousness I had lost track of God a little bit. He wasn't first and foremost in my mind, or on my lips or in my heart. Once we decided we'd had enough we couldn't get out of there fast enough. On the way back to CT H read a bit from The Fatima Crusader which calmed us down a bit. It was just too much being back into that world of bright lights, entertainment and random buying of stuff one really doesn't need. I'm not coming down on fairs. I really do love them, and I have to spend most of tomorrow and part of Sunday (oh, no! not Sunday!) at our local Four Town fair. I guess I really only like a fair in little doses and not when I let all the fun drive out Our Lord and Savior.

About that fast...

Today, being Friday is a fast day for H and myself. Wednesdays and Fridays are the days our Blessed Mother asks us to fast, so we do, bread and water. Been a few years now, no big deal. H is much better than me, I drink coffee during the day at work, sometimes have a couple of crackers, maybe a pretzel or two. It's extremely hard for me to fast the way I believe the B. M. intends, asks us to. H, on the other hand is rock solid, and although she speaks to me of temptations on her fast days she hardly ever wavers. Well, today is a fast day and we're going to The Big E! If you've never been there let me say this; lots of food booths of every kind. And the aromas! Not a good place to be on a fast day. Anyway, today September 18 the readings from the red book entitled Proper Offices of Franciscan Saints and Blessed were for Joseph of Cupertino, Franciscan priest of the Order of Friars Minor Conventual. It was also a Franciscan Feast day, which H and I usually celebrate as a feast, namely by not fasting. Which was fine, and we planned on feasting today, no problem, until there, in our daily reading in Medjugorje, Day By Day, for today the 18Th of Sept. Our Lady tells us: Observe the complete fasts, Wednesdays and Fridays. Pray at least the full rosary, the Joyful, Sorrowful, and the Glorious Mysteries. Well, the feast was put aside, and we gave up what probably would have been an afternoon of over doing it anyway to a day of ignoring the smells and avoiding the sights and for us to just nibble on the crackers that H brought. We did share clam fritters with everyone, but we somehow justified having them by saying they were mostly dough, which they were.

A day of fun at the fair is behind us, Bless the Lord.

After 4:00 Mass this afternoon we had our Knights of Columbus Officers Installation Ceremony. I think at final count we had five Brother Knights who didn't show, two of which had told me that they couldn't make it, they would be out of town. No problem, your still an Officer. Our District Deputy was the man in charge, and he did a great job. I really like him a lot, and look forward to working with him when I have to. Three of our wives were there also, and they actually adorned us with the jewels. Fr. R. was there and participated, and I think he knows or can feel the urgency and high expectations that this new leadership brings. I don't know. I'm not a born leader, at all. I have to get all of my Grand Knight leadership skills from our Lord, literally. As I stood in front of our District Deputy as he read to us the moving passages of the K of C installation ceremony, I prayed. Prayed that I could do the job my Brothers elected me for, to lead them and to help them to accomplish our goals in the name of Our Lord and God. H thought I was getting ready to faint, but that was the farthest thing from my mind. Just standing before the altar, with the huge Franciscan Cross hanging before me I have to admit I thought of Francis and the awesome responsibility that he took on for his Brothers and our church. And at the same time I felt, well, not love, really, but the good vibes that were all around us in the church. I'm so glad that we had the installation in the church, after Mass. I was the right choice.
This has been a soul-moving week for me. I use soul-moving for lack of a better word, as I don't think eye-opening works here. Adoration, prayer with H everyday, Mass this morning and this afternoon, private gifts from above for my interior journey, how can I complain about anything? But I still do! I'm an A_ _! Lord, smack me and punish me for such stupid thoughts! Bless He Who Reigns Above Forever!

Thorns and Adoration! Rejoice!

Friday morning, and I don't know if I'm still feeling the after-effects, (so to speak), of yesterdays' hour of Adoration, but, well, some days everything is more clearer than others. Ever have a day like that? Today is one for me. Thursdays' Adoration was the first of the Fall through Spring schedule that our Parish follows, 12:00 noon until 7:30pm. I am there from 5-6. As soon as I entered the Church I could feel Him, and He lead me and opened me for an hour to just plain peace and enlightenment (for lack of better words. I'm at work, so I'm rushing this post!). And then this morning, during Morning Prayer with H, the Reading, 2 Corinthians 12, the thorn in my side and My grace is sufficient for you, brought about (again!) an intoxicating feeling of humility in me. It's hard for me to read these passages, I can almost hear Paul's voice, even though he probably never actually read this letter to anyone, instead being read by millions of faithful through the years. Today, Paul slapped me a little harder than usual. It could be because of trials going on in my life right now, even though small to most still loom as obstacles to contend with to me. This reading, combined with Adoration reminded me that trials are given to us to celebrate, to gain strength and to keep us on the right road.

Evening Prayer

Tonight, as every Wed. at 7:00pm we have Evening Prayer at our church with our fellow Secular Franciscans. I was asked to be the antiphonerian, which i love because I just happen to really love the pauses between each segment. (I don't know the proper name.) The pause after saying the antiphon for the second time and before saying the next one gives the prayer a special magic to it, as if it needed any more magic. I especially liked the Reading, Ephesians 3: 17-21, the first line; May Christ dwell in you hearts through faith, and may charity be the root and foundation of your life. I don't remember that line before, and I don't ever remember it smacking me between the eyes. But between the light through the stain glass windows, the reading, the timbre of the Evening Prayer, I just didn't want it to end.

A change of view

Back on-line after a long delay. Our PC was down but now up and running again, and I'm going to try to post every night, if possible. Be patient with me, I'm slow and stupid at formulating myself lately, and most of the time I only wish to read others' blogs and not write in my own. But we'll see...

A Step Back

I have to admit, these last few weeks have been, for me, a muddle. July and August are very busy for us, with running off almost every weekend to do a changeover at Lavarehouse, then this, and then that, well, you get the idea. I know I'm complaining and I have NOTHING to complain about, so I'll stop complaining and get to the point. I have a hard time merging my secular life and my spiritual life together. Does that make any sense? I see so many people who, to me, have no problem with it. Lately, with all the stuff that goes on (in my life) the Holy Spirit, God, everything seems to be pushed back, far away, almost like, and I know this will sound weird, but all my spirituality is stuck behind my forehead! My head is filled to the brim with my God, my personal Holy Spirit but their stuck inside me, they can't get out. That's how it's felt the last few weeks. Different events in our lives have, I'll admit, tested us, H especially, but I let the world of people bother me too much and I can't break out of that human thinking mode, I've got to get myself back into seeing and thinking through Jesus' eyes, the Eyes of God. Man, I hate that in myself! Well, I don't hate it, but you know what I mean. I comes down to the Gospel theme lately of Loving Thy Neighbor. It's easy when everything is fine, it's another story when road rage fills you or somebody you know and love stomps all over somebody else you know and love. It's at those times that I now realize that I have to bring myself to the Foot of the Cross. To beg Our Lord for that guidance, that grace to see and love my neighbor as I should. Lately, I've hit a wall with my actions, I've subconsciously thought that I can deal with things on my own. I know I can't deal with issues that are like monkey wrenches in my life. I myself, alone have no patience for any of it. You hear people say you have to give it up to Our Lord, use Our Mother, talk to her, ask for her intersession, but until you really see the need, with your interior eye, you'll never ask.
Last evening, in the heat of the Church, during Rosary, the Sorrowful Mysteries, some things came together. I was forced back a step, not by me, but by, I believe, the Virgin Mother. Slow down, child, your way too wound up. Listen to the prayers your saying, don't just say them! I felt those words in my heart, last night, but I didn't realize it until this morning, during my ride to work and my morning Rosary. A gift of remembrance, a light for me to see by. I still don't know what has changed but for now life isn't so so muddled as before. Issues still exist but for now my heart is filled...

Fr. Vincent

"If you wish God to forgive you your offenses against God, forgive your enemies what they have done to injure you. At the very instant when you forgive your enemy, God will forgive you." St. Vincent Ferrer



Wow. Something about that little quote from that great saint just opened my eyes this morning. As followers of Our Lord Jesus Christ we and forgiveness are bound at the hip; the act of forgiving is part of our life force, just as important as love thy neighbor. Forgiveness and Love Thy Neighbor go hand in hand, and I'm afraid I've been guilty of not praying more about them. I can still feel parts of my old self at times when I don't love my neighbor, for whatever reason, and it angers me. I say praying more about them because for me, in prayer, in quiet contemplation over an issue, a problem, whatever, through prayer I seem to get closer to an answer. It usually doesn't happen right away. but slowly, like a night fading to morning. I need to be more vigilant.



But back to Saint Vincent.



As soon as I read his quote today I thought of a friend of mine, a priest who was once at our church. Franciscan through and through, and very Marian. He helped open my heart and mind in the short time I knew him and I'll always be thankful to him for that. He loved to come to our home and say the Rosary on the porch in the evening. He even said a Mass there on the night he blessed the house. They moved him from CT to Florida because of his command of the Spanish language, so now he gives Mass in Spanish and it's wonderful to hear. Gee, do I miss that man, that Brother.



And, of yeah, his name is Fr. Vincent.

Sometimes I just want to post, but I really don't have anything worldly to say. Nothing heavy, or uplifting, nothing controversial or spiritual, nothing in the vein of what I think my blog should be.

Who cares.

It's summertime, and I'm taking a vacation from all that!

Last Friday, the 7Th, on my untimely lack of work day off, I decided to take back our garden. Take it back from the choking weeds that I haven't gotten to all summer. It was probably too hot to be out there all day but I didn't mind. It was really good to be out there, in the quiet 0f the mid-day. It was prayerful, silent and physical all at the same time. H came out every once in a while to pick raspberries and check on me. She found a zucchini squash hidden in the weeds and leaves, good for a bread. Lately, running up to the Vineyard every weekend can turn from exciting at the beginning of summer to a drag as the summer wears on. That said, its still a great place once we get there and drop our bags in the Little House. But last Friday I was just enjoying a long, beautiful summer day, the kind of day one needs to clear the mind. The next day, early, 5:00am-6:00am we had our turn keeping company with the Holy Eucharist during Nocturnal Adoration. I'll admit I was distracted and somewhat tired, and my conversation with Our Lord was interrupted more than once by daydreams and such. I feel so bad after, like I wasted a good opportunity by being not prepared. Something I must live with and try to move on from...

A glimpse of Our Lord at work...

Last night we had our monthly K of C meeting, my second as Grand Knight. I felt much more at ease with my position than last month, when I was truly a fish out of water. I did get all the way to the church hall before realizing that I'd forgotten the tackle box (yup, that's what it is!) that contains our officers medals that we wear, well, sometimes wear, and the gavel, home. Too late to go back. Since it was our August meeting, a meeting that we sometimes don't even have, I wasn't too worried about not having the box. I did have to use my hand to pound on the table at the correct times, though. And I did think of Nikita Krueschev(?) back in the day pounding on the table at the United Nations with his shoe. And I really was concentrating on the meeting, really!
All went well, and we finally, I hope got past the issues of the maligned election we had back in June. To make a long sad story short, one member accused another of bad election practices. A letter went out to Supreme. Last night our District Deputy dealt with it in a very professional and timely fashion, end of case. Well, bitterness and anger tried raising it's ugly head after the D.D. had explained and we had straightened out our issues. I was able to cut the conversation off quickly, and in the vacuum left by that say my piece on the matter, which was we are Catholic men, Knights of Columbus and followers of Jesus Christ the Risen Lord. Their will be no witch hunt under my Council. Supreme decided that the matter was closed, and so did I. Done deal, now we move on to do Gods Work. (I almost said if you want to pursue the matter, take it up in the parking lot, but I didn't.) After that we got down to some business, but it's hard with only 13 members there. But all in all, a good meeting.
I learn about myself at these meetings. I know it's because I've never been in this position before and I think my Brother Knights look up to the Grand Knight for leadership, whoever the GK is, and now it just happens to be me. At every turn during the meeting I'm sub-consciously asking Our Lord for guidance, because I most certainly couldn't be doing any of it on my own. I realize I'm learning to ask, to ask him for help in this decision, in that action. I'm only realizing now that it is all a lesson in humility, in humbleness. These actions are bringing me closer to Him, I'm seeing that now. Humbling oneself is very comforting, in a way. Now I can't wait for the next meeting, instead of dreading it. Praise and love God forever!

Another Friday fast...

Our Blessed Virgin Mother calls us, through the visionaries at Medjugorje to "Love, pray and fast." Pretty simple, right? Not so simple. Never simple. After the excitement of discovering the revelations of Our Lady at M. and the beginning of the fasting process, the life of fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays, week in and week out, trying to stay focused on the purpose of it all, well, at times it can be difficult. Harsher words than difficult come to mind but I'll refrain. The difficulty has nothing to do with Our Mother, fasting, the bread and water she asks for or even the number of times a week that's involved. It is me. Inside me. The place where the true battles rage on, even on the good days when things are falling into place, those interior battles rage on. Over the years I've tried different ways of 'living' on those days, but none of my approaches seem to last, seem to be able to comfort me as I get through the day. Some may find comfort in a fast day. I think (big word there, think) I'm coming to the realization that my 'comfort' is in my struggle, that in fasting twice a week I'm given a subtle reminder of what is what and who is who. Remember your priorities, k. Your mind doesn't drift too often, but here is a way to stay focused. Here is help from the ancient days. Here is help from Above. Use it.

Summer Fraternity Picnic

Our Secular Franciscan Order had our summer picnic this past Tuesday evening next to a picturesque lake in southern Ma. This is our (my wife and I) third picnic with the Seculars and it really does feel homey. The main dish is grinders, the long ones cut into holdable sizes, and at the end of a long day they sure taste good. H and I never get grinders from take-out, we'll make our own first if we're craving them, so that in itself was a treat. Franciscan style, everybody brings a little something but no one knows what anybody else is bringing. So if we had grinders and 12 plates of brownies, so be it. When Francis and the Brothers went begging each had a large wooden bowl and all the food went into it and at the end of the day all the Brothers sat together and feasted on whatever came back in the bowls. No one knew what they would have at the end of the day, but whatever it was they praised and thanked God for the gift. Such humbleness to Our Lord!
We had only one tray of brownies.
H made a raspberry pie, with berries picked fresh that afternoon. Into the big brown bowl! A big hit with everyone. After the meal, Evening Prayer. For me, an especially moving E.P., with the reading from John just stopping me in my tracks. Today, only the fragrance of the reading is left with me, although I've been meaning to return to it. Something for later...
The Friars left after we sang the first of many old-timey songs, the same ones we always sing. R loves them, so we sing them. After a while more spiritual songs were requested, which we complied with, although on some we were a little rusty. All in all a good evening of coming together as a family, feasting, praying and singing together. Oh yeah, The Divine Mercy was said on the way to the lake by the 4 of us in the car. God is good!

Non-Blogging

It has been a while since I've posted, and although a lot has happened, I've come to an impasse as to whether any of it is worth blogging about. My life just isn't exciting enough to warrant constant blogging. I'm boring!

Well, I'm writing now, that means something... Plenty of great things have happened since June 23, and I'm finally formulating them in my mind, which is a good thing. I seem to go through periods of non-speak, or better yet non-blog. Maybe I'm coming out of that now.

What if.......

Just finished reading a couple of articles about parishes in my area that are going to have to share priests, on account of the shortage of priests world wide. It makes me sad, because it seems that every church should have a least one priest, but that, in this day is a dream. Why has it come to this? Is this a divine test of some sort, by God, to weed out the faithful? I don't believe that. The secular world has too many temptations that allow men to stray from the Path of Christ, and some to never return. And to try to find holy men who will step forward from this crowd is becoming harder and harder. So.....
I started thinking. Now I know for sure, and I still feel in my heart that it is not right, but I let my imagination wander a bit, and, especially after reading again an article that told how priests were allowed to marry for about the first 1,000 years(?) of the Church, what, now just what if men who were already married, good, devout catholic men, who for many years have felt the calling to follow Christ, what if those married men were allowed to become priests? And still stay married? I would have to think about that one...
Just something that I've been mulling about...

I've seen other posts about this, but I didn't think I had the problem, but that's usually the first sign that you do have a problem. I have to admit I do daydream at times during The Rosary, morning or evening prayers, praying in general. I think I thought that that little bit of slipping away was normal, but it's not. And I think that's why I've been a bit unsatisfied with my prayer life, and not knowing why. "Pray constantly," it has been said. (ST. Paul.) But at work, in the shop, driving a car in heavy traffic, it's just not going to work. I think for me, the Rosary in the car, contemplative-type prayer while driving will just have to be as good as it turns out. I'm so used to doing it I don't think I could stop, and just listen to the radio. Yech! I'll allot a bit more time for formal prayer in private, or with H. This month has sort of torn me up, mentally, physically and spiritually. So much stuff has happened, worldly things that I try to separate myself from, but these events happen and they suck me in. I become part of them and I feel stretched.

The complaining Grand Knight

It looks like my career as Grand Knight has been stopped in it's tracks. Apparently after the floor nominations and a motion to accept the slate, there was no vote! Crazy stuff, two years in a row now. State will probably shut us down. I am so torn, well, not really even torn, I don't particularly want this assignment at all, but I do believe that the Lord wants me to do this. I would have never said yes if I didn't believe that. I'm not sure how this will play out, the election thing. Plus, T.T. is mad as heck that he didn't get his job as Warden back, he's threatening to quit. Egos must be assuaged.