A Step Back

I have to admit, these last few weeks have been, for me, a muddle. July and August are very busy for us, with running off almost every weekend to do a changeover at Lavarehouse, then this, and then that, well, you get the idea. I know I'm complaining and I have NOTHING to complain about, so I'll stop complaining and get to the point. I have a hard time merging my secular life and my spiritual life together. Does that make any sense? I see so many people who, to me, have no problem with it. Lately, with all the stuff that goes on (in my life) the Holy Spirit, God, everything seems to be pushed back, far away, almost like, and I know this will sound weird, but all my spirituality is stuck behind my forehead! My head is filled to the brim with my God, my personal Holy Spirit but their stuck inside me, they can't get out. That's how it's felt the last few weeks. Different events in our lives have, I'll admit, tested us, H especially, but I let the world of people bother me too much and I can't break out of that human thinking mode, I've got to get myself back into seeing and thinking through Jesus' eyes, the Eyes of God. Man, I hate that in myself! Well, I don't hate it, but you know what I mean. I comes down to the Gospel theme lately of Loving Thy Neighbor. It's easy when everything is fine, it's another story when road rage fills you or somebody you know and love stomps all over somebody else you know and love. It's at those times that I now realize that I have to bring myself to the Foot of the Cross. To beg Our Lord for that guidance, that grace to see and love my neighbor as I should. Lately, I've hit a wall with my actions, I've subconsciously thought that I can deal with things on my own. I know I can't deal with issues that are like monkey wrenches in my life. I myself, alone have no patience for any of it. You hear people say you have to give it up to Our Lord, use Our Mother, talk to her, ask for her intersession, but until you really see the need, with your interior eye, you'll never ask.
Last evening, in the heat of the Church, during Rosary, the Sorrowful Mysteries, some things came together. I was forced back a step, not by me, but by, I believe, the Virgin Mother. Slow down, child, your way too wound up. Listen to the prayers your saying, don't just say them! I felt those words in my heart, last night, but I didn't realize it until this morning, during my ride to work and my morning Rosary. A gift of remembrance, a light for me to see by. I still don't know what has changed but for now life isn't so so muddled as before. Issues still exist but for now my heart is filled...

Fr. Vincent

"If you wish God to forgive you your offenses against God, forgive your enemies what they have done to injure you. At the very instant when you forgive your enemy, God will forgive you." St. Vincent Ferrer



Wow. Something about that little quote from that great saint just opened my eyes this morning. As followers of Our Lord Jesus Christ we and forgiveness are bound at the hip; the act of forgiving is part of our life force, just as important as love thy neighbor. Forgiveness and Love Thy Neighbor go hand in hand, and I'm afraid I've been guilty of not praying more about them. I can still feel parts of my old self at times when I don't love my neighbor, for whatever reason, and it angers me. I say praying more about them because for me, in prayer, in quiet contemplation over an issue, a problem, whatever, through prayer I seem to get closer to an answer. It usually doesn't happen right away. but slowly, like a night fading to morning. I need to be more vigilant.



But back to Saint Vincent.



As soon as I read his quote today I thought of a friend of mine, a priest who was once at our church. Franciscan through and through, and very Marian. He helped open my heart and mind in the short time I knew him and I'll always be thankful to him for that. He loved to come to our home and say the Rosary on the porch in the evening. He even said a Mass there on the night he blessed the house. They moved him from CT to Florida because of his command of the Spanish language, so now he gives Mass in Spanish and it's wonderful to hear. Gee, do I miss that man, that Brother.



And, of yeah, his name is Fr. Vincent.

Sometimes I just want to post, but I really don't have anything worldly to say. Nothing heavy, or uplifting, nothing controversial or spiritual, nothing in the vein of what I think my blog should be.

Who cares.

It's summertime, and I'm taking a vacation from all that!

Last Friday, the 7Th, on my untimely lack of work day off, I decided to take back our garden. Take it back from the choking weeds that I haven't gotten to all summer. It was probably too hot to be out there all day but I didn't mind. It was really good to be out there, in the quiet 0f the mid-day. It was prayerful, silent and physical all at the same time. H came out every once in a while to pick raspberries and check on me. She found a zucchini squash hidden in the weeds and leaves, good for a bread. Lately, running up to the Vineyard every weekend can turn from exciting at the beginning of summer to a drag as the summer wears on. That said, its still a great place once we get there and drop our bags in the Little House. But last Friday I was just enjoying a long, beautiful summer day, the kind of day one needs to clear the mind. The next day, early, 5:00am-6:00am we had our turn keeping company with the Holy Eucharist during Nocturnal Adoration. I'll admit I was distracted and somewhat tired, and my conversation with Our Lord was interrupted more than once by daydreams and such. I feel so bad after, like I wasted a good opportunity by being not prepared. Something I must live with and try to move on from...

A glimpse of Our Lord at work...

Last night we had our monthly K of C meeting, my second as Grand Knight. I felt much more at ease with my position than last month, when I was truly a fish out of water. I did get all the way to the church hall before realizing that I'd forgotten the tackle box (yup, that's what it is!) that contains our officers medals that we wear, well, sometimes wear, and the gavel, home. Too late to go back. Since it was our August meeting, a meeting that we sometimes don't even have, I wasn't too worried about not having the box. I did have to use my hand to pound on the table at the correct times, though. And I did think of Nikita Krueschev(?) back in the day pounding on the table at the United Nations with his shoe. And I really was concentrating on the meeting, really!
All went well, and we finally, I hope got past the issues of the maligned election we had back in June. To make a long sad story short, one member accused another of bad election practices. A letter went out to Supreme. Last night our District Deputy dealt with it in a very professional and timely fashion, end of case. Well, bitterness and anger tried raising it's ugly head after the D.D. had explained and we had straightened out our issues. I was able to cut the conversation off quickly, and in the vacuum left by that say my piece on the matter, which was we are Catholic men, Knights of Columbus and followers of Jesus Christ the Risen Lord. Their will be no witch hunt under my Council. Supreme decided that the matter was closed, and so did I. Done deal, now we move on to do Gods Work. (I almost said if you want to pursue the matter, take it up in the parking lot, but I didn't.) After that we got down to some business, but it's hard with only 13 members there. But all in all, a good meeting.
I learn about myself at these meetings. I know it's because I've never been in this position before and I think my Brother Knights look up to the Grand Knight for leadership, whoever the GK is, and now it just happens to be me. At every turn during the meeting I'm sub-consciously asking Our Lord for guidance, because I most certainly couldn't be doing any of it on my own. I realize I'm learning to ask, to ask him for help in this decision, in that action. I'm only realizing now that it is all a lesson in humility, in humbleness. These actions are bringing me closer to Him, I'm seeing that now. Humbling oneself is very comforting, in a way. Now I can't wait for the next meeting, instead of dreading it. Praise and love God forever!

Another Friday fast...

Our Blessed Virgin Mother calls us, through the visionaries at Medjugorje to "Love, pray and fast." Pretty simple, right? Not so simple. Never simple. After the excitement of discovering the revelations of Our Lady at M. and the beginning of the fasting process, the life of fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays, week in and week out, trying to stay focused on the purpose of it all, well, at times it can be difficult. Harsher words than difficult come to mind but I'll refrain. The difficulty has nothing to do with Our Mother, fasting, the bread and water she asks for or even the number of times a week that's involved. It is me. Inside me. The place where the true battles rage on, even on the good days when things are falling into place, those interior battles rage on. Over the years I've tried different ways of 'living' on those days, but none of my approaches seem to last, seem to be able to comfort me as I get through the day. Some may find comfort in a fast day. I think (big word there, think) I'm coming to the realization that my 'comfort' is in my struggle, that in fasting twice a week I'm given a subtle reminder of what is what and who is who. Remember your priorities, k. Your mind doesn't drift too often, but here is a way to stay focused. Here is help from the ancient days. Here is help from Above. Use it.

Summer Fraternity Picnic

Our Secular Franciscan Order had our summer picnic this past Tuesday evening next to a picturesque lake in southern Ma. This is our (my wife and I) third picnic with the Seculars and it really does feel homey. The main dish is grinders, the long ones cut into holdable sizes, and at the end of a long day they sure taste good. H and I never get grinders from take-out, we'll make our own first if we're craving them, so that in itself was a treat. Franciscan style, everybody brings a little something but no one knows what anybody else is bringing. So if we had grinders and 12 plates of brownies, so be it. When Francis and the Brothers went begging each had a large wooden bowl and all the food went into it and at the end of the day all the Brothers sat together and feasted on whatever came back in the bowls. No one knew what they would have at the end of the day, but whatever it was they praised and thanked God for the gift. Such humbleness to Our Lord!
We had only one tray of brownies.
H made a raspberry pie, with berries picked fresh that afternoon. Into the big brown bowl! A big hit with everyone. After the meal, Evening Prayer. For me, an especially moving E.P., with the reading from John just stopping me in my tracks. Today, only the fragrance of the reading is left with me, although I've been meaning to return to it. Something for later...
The Friars left after we sang the first of many old-timey songs, the same ones we always sing. R loves them, so we sing them. After a while more spiritual songs were requested, which we complied with, although on some we were a little rusty. All in all a good evening of coming together as a family, feasting, praying and singing together. Oh yeah, The Divine Mercy was said on the way to the lake by the 4 of us in the car. God is good!

Non-Blogging

It has been a while since I've posted, and although a lot has happened, I've come to an impasse as to whether any of it is worth blogging about. My life just isn't exciting enough to warrant constant blogging. I'm boring!

Well, I'm writing now, that means something... Plenty of great things have happened since June 23, and I'm finally formulating them in my mind, which is a good thing. I seem to go through periods of non-speak, or better yet non-blog. Maybe I'm coming out of that now.

What if.......

Just finished reading a couple of articles about parishes in my area that are going to have to share priests, on account of the shortage of priests world wide. It makes me sad, because it seems that every church should have a least one priest, but that, in this day is a dream. Why has it come to this? Is this a divine test of some sort, by God, to weed out the faithful? I don't believe that. The secular world has too many temptations that allow men to stray from the Path of Christ, and some to never return. And to try to find holy men who will step forward from this crowd is becoming harder and harder. So.....
I started thinking. Now I know for sure, and I still feel in my heart that it is not right, but I let my imagination wander a bit, and, especially after reading again an article that told how priests were allowed to marry for about the first 1,000 years(?) of the Church, what, now just what if men who were already married, good, devout catholic men, who for many years have felt the calling to follow Christ, what if those married men were allowed to become priests? And still stay married? I would have to think about that one...
Just something that I've been mulling about...

I've seen other posts about this, but I didn't think I had the problem, but that's usually the first sign that you do have a problem. I have to admit I do daydream at times during The Rosary, morning or evening prayers, praying in general. I think I thought that that little bit of slipping away was normal, but it's not. And I think that's why I've been a bit unsatisfied with my prayer life, and not knowing why. "Pray constantly," it has been said. (ST. Paul.) But at work, in the shop, driving a car in heavy traffic, it's just not going to work. I think for me, the Rosary in the car, contemplative-type prayer while driving will just have to be as good as it turns out. I'm so used to doing it I don't think I could stop, and just listen to the radio. Yech! I'll allot a bit more time for formal prayer in private, or with H. This month has sort of torn me up, mentally, physically and spiritually. So much stuff has happened, worldly things that I try to separate myself from, but these events happen and they suck me in. I become part of them and I feel stretched.

The complaining Grand Knight

It looks like my career as Grand Knight has been stopped in it's tracks. Apparently after the floor nominations and a motion to accept the slate, there was no vote! Crazy stuff, two years in a row now. State will probably shut us down. I am so torn, well, not really even torn, I don't particularly want this assignment at all, but I do believe that the Lord wants me to do this. I would have never said yes if I didn't believe that. I'm not sure how this will play out, the election thing. Plus, T.T. is mad as heck that he didn't get his job as Warden back, he's threatening to quit. Egos must be assuaged.

The Rosary

This past Monday evening our Parish had its first Evening Rosary, which consisted of H, myself and two women, one who had never finished a Rosary and one who never says the Rosary out loud. You could say it was a first for both. Although only two people showed up I still deem it a success, as on that beautiful, warm, late spring night two more voices floated up to Heaven in prayer. I hope they return in two weeks, and I hope I can do a better job, act a little bit more confident, etc. I don't think H won't be there to help, (she is much better at explaining things than me. I called the Pearl of the Mystery "the bullet point" DUH!) Regardless, I will continue even if I'm alone, which is a joy in itself. I do hope word gets around and a few more people come. The Virgin Mother says "Pray, pray, pray!", so that is what we will do.

Busy time

What a whirlwind last few days, and tonight more stuff is happenning. At 7:00pm is our first evening Rosary, lead by me. I'm a little nervous, but not much. I feel the guiding hand of Our Virgin Mother with me. I can only hope that people will respond, even just out of curiosity. We will see.
Yesterday we had a small graduation party for Odin and Celena. My parents were there, along with my brother, sister and parts of their families, an aunt, an uncle, friends, etc. Some of Odins buds were able to make it, but most of Celena's friends were working. She took it all in stride, though. O had a great time. Good to see faces and hear laughter from all the relations and friends. Even Father D showed up! What a wonderful blessing for us.

Francis

Tonight is our Secular Frnciscan monthly meeting. I have the Omnibus, which I've just read, here at lunch. After the second opening, I read. And as it sometimes happens, something that is murky becomes crystal clear. Lately, for months, really, my spiritual life is, well, murky, for lack of a better word. I think I know what I'm looking for as I travel on the RB50, but then Bang! I'm shown what I've REALLY been looking for the whole time. A confirmation on something that was gnawing at me, a revalation that begins as a dot in the distance and becomes a freight train aiming right at me. Again, it happened with reading Francis. An affIrmation by the Friars becomes MY affirmation. The train has run me down again.

I've been trying to find the right words to convey what happened to me beginning with Lent, through Easter (I know, it's still Easter!) then The Jamaica Trip, next The Retreat and lastly out to Steubenville Ohio and a weekend at Franciscan University. All heady stuff. Well, don't expect anything more, if ever. I have no words for what Our Lord does, or The Father does. Lent was hard in some ways and a relief in others. I like Lent. I like the way it forces me inward, because most of the time I can't focus enough to do it on my own. From Palm Sunday until Easter Sunday I'm frightened and mesmerized at the same time. And then the Jamaican Trip. Being at St. Mary's Above Rocks was, to me living a true Franciscan life. Helping people, total strangers, really praying together, living simply. An experience that I reflect on often, wondering how I can incorporate that same charism into my every day life.
Our Lord is always asking us to come, follow Me, and we hear the call, not with the actual voice of Jesus but in the different events that sweep us in, events that God puts in our path. Sometimes we walk right by, oblivious to our Lord's calling. I was blessed, these past four or five weeks to hear the Quiet Whisper, to feel that wellspring of love rise in me and cut off my speech, stop me in my tracks, many times. Two and a half days of quiet solitude with the Maronite Monks of the Eucharistic Adoration slowed me right down, and turned me inward even more. And then for Heln and I to see my son Odin graduate from Franciscan University, well, that was one of the most proudest moments in my life. Just keep breaking out the tissues!
I didn't start out with much to say but I found a word or two. I'll end this by saying to just keep listening, Our Lord is constantly speaking to us, always showing us the way to him. We must watch and listen.

May 14th, St Mathias, Apostle

"What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see the misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men and women. That is what love looks like."

St. Augustine Of Hippo

I could not of said it better. God calls us all to follow in His Sons' footsteps, to be like His Son, to love like his son. Many times I find myself ignoring the sighs and sorrows of my fellow workers, people I work with every day, and even my own family! I can tell something is wrong but I'm hesitant, I say nothing. Lord, help me to see and react, to be that caring person, to my friends, family and especially to strangers. Please help me to open this stone cold heart...

Man guilt

So Mother's Day has come and gone and my feelings of inadequacy are right up there where they usually are; not feeling like I've done enough for anyone. When it comes to Holidays, Birthdays, anniversaries, you name it, I fail. For all that Our Lord has said about giving you'd think I'd at least have a clue. None. Whether or not I do anything or do nothing, I still feel guilty.
In a slight depression, if I think about it, and if not, it goes away. I think (I shouldn't!) I get caught up in outside issues and these events get in the way of clear thinking. Clear thinking to me is an unaltered path to God. I'm selfish, I admit. When my prayer life becomes interrupted I get cranky. So the events of the last few days have thrown me out of sinc a bit; too bad. As a Franciscan I must learn to be flexible, not static or rigid.

It's probably the head cold that's making me feel bloated and weird, and not anything else at all. Or the 9 hour ride back from Ohio and then the 3 1/2hrs. sleep Sunday night before work on Monday. No complaints! I know it's just the cold, they always knock me for a loop. And writing this all down is helping to wash these feelings away. (Also, I knew I should have steered clear of that doughnut!)

Many Issues...

Last night our Knights of Columbus council had its monthly dinner meeting, consisting of my K of C favorite; meat loaf, mashed potatoes, corn, salad and bread. Yum! And of course, coffee and our gallon of red wine. (2 glasses.) Our Grand Knight has been trying to get me to run for Grand Knight in the upcoming election. At the last meeting I reluctantly told him I'd think about it, more just to appease him (I really do like Herman. He's 93. Yes, 93.) Last night I told everyone no, I will not accept the nomination. But I did agree to Chancellor. (whatever that is. Looks like #3 man.) John H. and I both had to eat and run on account of the last choir rehearsal for the Confirmation Mass tonight. Sadly, it will be the last time we sing together for a while, since H and I only sing with the regular choir on special occasions. We sounded good, or rather Lida said we sounded good, which is all that matters.
Celena has another case of cellulitus(?) starting from an alleged bug bite. She's on meds but I still worry about her all the time. She's mature for her age, big and strong, but still so fragile. I've been praying for her constantly since I awoke; this mornings Rosary I dedicated to her. She goes to the doctor at 1:15.

I'm still trying to come to some type of inner understanding on what took place with me in Jamaica. To say it was a profound spiritual event is just using words that I don't deserve. This trip, this mission and what took place was for me, God showing me something, about myself, other people, my stone cold heart, I don't know. I'm still in the reflection mode. I know it was good. (Ha!, now that's a lame word!) It's almost like one has spent his or her life looking at something with one's head directed in a certain way; then something (the trip) or someone (God) or the combination reaches down and helps to turn the head. A new view has occurred, a new way of thinking emerges, something new from something old.

...more later...

Final Preparations!

Getting ready to leave tomorrow for the Jamaica Mission trip and getting ready is always a trying time for me; I'm not good at tying up the lose ends and whatnot. That I leave to H, and I shouldn't. I have this romantic idea of just throwing a couple of things in a bag and running out the door, like Bilbo Baggins did, following Gandalf and the dwarfs in 'The Hobbit.' Not! I also get real emotional about my daughter, Celena. I know, by a long shot that I haven't lived up to her expectations as a Dad, and I haven't lived up to MY own expectations. We all wish we could have been the perfect dad. I just doesn't happen. So the regrets tear at you, and all the more when its time to part. I just want to watch over her, hold onto her, make sure no harm comes to her, calm her fears. I don't know if I've ever accomplished any of those things. I know she doesn't need me to do any of those things, I'm just a father and I want to, probably just to calm my own insecurities and fears. Odin, on the other hand, I never worry about. His existence on this earth supports me.

I know I'll feel better when I get on the plane.

The Last of Days

As we all know, tomorrow begins The Triduum. Lent proper ends after Holy Thursday Mass and the Paschal Fast begins. From what I've read it is a stricter form of fast, which I may just seque into. This Lent has had its ups and downs for me, at times feeling far away but often the Crucifixion appears very close, just outside my field of vision. I wish ( I shouldn't) I could find more quiet time in my life, right now it's just not there. But I'm not here to pick and choose. I'm here to do what the Lord asks of me, and my main job is to listen to Him.