Trust in God!

This is a reflection from today's reading in the book Medjugorje Day by Day, by Richard J. Beyer. This is about persevering in faith, and I just felt like sharing it with you.

A missionary named Noreen Towers had worked for years among the poor in Nigeria. In spite of all her efforts, she saw absolutely no progress. She says: "I became despondent. I finally reached the breaking point one night. . . I was beaten. When I went to bed, I didn't know how I could continue." The next morning, shortly after she awoke, something strange happened to Noreen. It was as though Jesus himself said to her, "Can you not trust my plan for you?" She writes:
Then I realized that I did not have to see the plan; I only had to trust him. I arose from my bed a different person. My encounter with the living Christ changed me from a broken, defeated person into a person with unshakable hope and faith.
Today, the woman's work among the poor is bearing remarkable fruit.
Like all virtues, perseverance is a gift of grace, yet Christ never fails to bestow it on those who ask. This is the primary challenge-to rely not on our own strength and endurance, but on the Lord's. It was summarized once in a small prayer: "O Lord, I can't. You can. Please."

This short story really made an impact on me this morning, maybe because I, and maybe we, are always trying to do everything on our own; I know I do. I frustrate myself to no end, trying to get this done, make that right, please everybody, be the hero. It's still hard for me, real hard, to give up control of my life to God on a day to day basis. On a Sunday, or on retreat, it becomes easier to do, or at least to talk about it. I've got to learn to give that same love back to our Lord in the way of loss of self, in dying to Our God.

Those words are still ringing in my head: "Can you not trust my plan for you?"

Watch out for you-know-who...

As I've always said, my job brings out the worst in me. Sometimes good things, but mostly its just a lot of temptations. And I know that's alright, God has put me here just for this, for my discipline, to combat all those temptations, but more important to show the Face of Jesus to my co-workers, to spread the Gospel by my words and my deeds.
Perfect example: I receive an e-mail from a fellow co-worker, asking me to perform a certain task, to find some paperwork on the shop floor and change some numbers. Fine. I can do that. Then I realize that I think she's the only one who can perform said task, it was decided during a long and boring meeting that took place a couple of months ago. She even took the minutes to this meeting. Whatever. I ask a fellow co-worker to confirm this fact of who can change the paperwork and immediately the backstabbing starts. So and so this and so and so knows this! CC the boss on this! So on and so forth, you get the idea. And part of me wants to join in on this tirade! With all my might I have to zip my lip because the old me wants to come out at times like this, join in the fun, heap on the slander, gossip, gossip, GOSSIP! My point is you-know-who is always there, always waiting for the slightest slip-up on our part, to jam the knife in just a little deeper. I saw him coming this time, I didn't join in, I just sort of graciously got out of the conversation and left, and told myself I'll handle this my own way.
He is real. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The further we go down the Road, the sweeter the walk, but also at times the darker the journey becomes. I know I have to stay vigilant at all times, I'm my own worse enemy. Just keep focused on the Cross.

Thoughts on a Marian retreat...

H and I and two others spent this past Saturday at the National Shrine of the Divine Mercy in Stockbridge, MA. A wonderful priest, very Marian, Fr. Anthony Gramlich gave a one day retreat on St. Louis De Montfort's book True Devotion to Mary. Two talks, lunch, confessions, Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, another talk, Benediction and then Mass. Whew! What a day. My wife and I have both consecrated to Mary, me just last year on the Feast of Guadeloupe, H for a few years now. I used 'My Ideal Jesus Son of Mary' by Fr. Emil Neubert, S.M. and was planning on using it again for my re-consecration, but after hearing direct quotes for De Montfort I think I'll use his book. Fr. Anthony really knew his stuff, and although a long day, it was very inspiring, very spiritual. My consecration last year was just another in a series of, I don't know, quiet inspired moments that found its way inside of me and stayed. Your hear about these devotional acts, then you read a bit on them and it's like a seed that's planted; once in there on fertile soil, things grow. After a while it all becomes a way of life, a good life that once lived one couldn't imagine living any other way. I remember hearing and reading about the total freedom that comes from giving oneself over completely to the Lord. I could not imagine that; I had no clue, no matter how many ways I thought about it. My conversion was still at its beginnings; God was talking but I couldn't understand him, not fully, not yet.

The more you give in, the more he brings you along.

St. Teresa!

Today, as we all know is the feast day of St. Teresa of Jesus. Her and St. Francis may be the two more modern-type Saints that I admire. And I say that only because of her writings, which are so inspirational and educational and Francis because, well he just is. The two common threads I have with these two great saints is that one can really feel that you know them after delving into their lives through books, movies and videos. St Teresa almost makes deep contemplative prayer seem easy, and I mean that as saying that her explanations are quite easy to follow. I just finished Interior Castles a month or two ago and there's so much to take in that the words have really stayed with me, sitting and percolating under the brow.

Thoughts on Odin

Today has been a day similar to four years ago when we left Odin in Steubenville for his first year in college. I must have cried for the first twenty miles as we headed back east. Back then I didn't know enough to lean on Our Lord for help. Today, although I feel, and know, and see the world around me with a different eye, and I know he's there to help me, I'd just as soon let the feelings of separation and sadness wash over me, flow thru me for a bit. Letting go like that, one gets that alive feeling, and for me it makes O's leaving for a year more bearable, in a way. Make any sense? This will be hard, I know, but I also know that in a week or so I'll sort of get used to him being gone, almost like back at school. And with the cell phone he's not that far away. But still...

Last night him and Celena bought pizza for us all for our anniversary. Josh was there, Celena's boy friend, (I think our future son-in-law, but maybe I'm wrong) and we all ate together as a family. After, Odin sat with us to do Evening Prayer, something he hasn't done at all for a while. All in all a really great night to be a dad.

Mixed feelings

I'm writing this post tonight with mixed feelings; tomorrow is our 25th wedding anniversary, 25 short years, to be honest, but also tomorrow our son Odin leaves for North Dakota for a 1 year mission trip. He'll be staying at St. Michael's Church in Dunseith, which is a small town almost at the Canadian border. Looking on the map tonight we noticed that Dunseith is almost as far north as Fort Kent, Maine, which is well up there. He'll be taking the train out of Hartford, CT tomorrow morning at 6:26, and should be arriving in Pittsburgh later in the day. He'll spend a couple of days with friends in Steubenville where he went to college, and then on to Chicago and then to ND. If we don't get up there to see him or he doesn't get home for a visit, one year is a real long time to not see your son. I can't imagine if he would be in harms way somewhere, overseas. I really can't fathom that. I'll try to pray all the more for people in those situations. He's been home since he graduated in May and just couldn't find a job in his field. So now he'll be staying with Father Jeff, doing whatever has to be done, and getting paid $100.00 a month. No money, but he won't really need any, and the experience is everything. I'll really, really miss him, though.

Well, after we drop O off at the train station I'm taking the day off (vacation day #14, 1 left) and H and I are going on a small pilgrimage right here in our own backyard, so to speak. Tomorrow is also the anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun at Fatima, and a friend of ours usually walks from his house in Stafford to St. Mary's Church in Hampden, MA, where there is a small shrine set up to honer Our Blessed Mother and the children. It's 13 miles one way, and Neil walks to and from, reciting the rosary the whole way. He told us he says about 200 decades on the trip. Neil is in his 60's and not that physically fit. Helen saw him last year, walking along the road, hair blowing crazy in the wind. She stopped and asked if he wanted a ride and that's when we found out about his solitary Walk to Mary. We decided this year to join him but at the last second he couldn't get the day off from work. So I think we're going anyway, just the two of us. Rain in the morning, maybe we'll wait until after lunch, we'll see. I'm really looking forward to it and Helen, well, like she says, "You decide," so I did. We go.

Right now I'm up waiting for our daughter to return home from driving a friend of hers back to Plymouth St in New Hampshire. Three hours up, three back. She should be here around 1:00am. I wasn't too happy with this decision of hers, but I probably also would have done it for a friend, and H would have, too. So here I sit, writing an overlong post. Sorry about that. If you stopped reading this long ago, I don't blame you. Peace to you all.

Last thoughts (for tonight!) on profession

More on profession.

I just want to say that today I did feel different, but not in any way that was feeling different, if you know what I mean. Friends asked me today, "So, do you feel any different," and I had to answer, no, not really, but the difference I did feel was a more subtle presence of, I guess maybe the Holy Spirit in me, or something that I'm labeling as such. It was like as I went along just doing what I do at work and God kept giving me these little insights into things, insights into just the everyday stuff that happens to people. But today these mundane type of events felt more real, or maybe the word is more realized in a new light. I don't know, I can't really explain. I do know that I felt much more at ease with myself than yesterday, when I didn't know what would happen. Would I burst into tears up there in front of everyone? Or worse, would I get a leg cramp? (That was more likely.) Neither happened, and I thank our Blessed Mother for that. Mary, please be with me right now, help me to not embarrasse my family! And she did.

Following Francis...

Last night at a special Mass, Joe & Sandy, Loraine, Barbara and Helen and myself professed to spend the rest of our lives living Gospel to Life and Life to Gospel. Fr. R presided and Fr. T assisted. It was, beautiful. The Rite of Profession is done right after the Homily, and Fr. R spoke well. He spoke not only to us, but to everyone in the congregation, reminding us all that God is not done with us yet. I was so glad that my brother and sister were there to hear those words. I just started to write something that I shouldn't, I was being judgemental and I want to stop that NOW. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law also came, my parents and our son and daughter. What a crowd, just for us! The Lord brought great joy to St. Edward Church last night. I so wished that one or both of H's sisters would have come, but no, no one showed. She didn't seem to mind, but I'm sure it bothered her just a little.
I wore my newly made brown vest sewn together by H. It is beautiful! I have no idea where she found the time to do it, but there it was, hanging in the closet two days ago with a card. She really takes good care of me. More on profession later...

Profession

Tonight, at a 7:00pm Mass, my wife Helen, myself and four others will, God willing, continue our journey as candidates by professing ourselves to the Secular Franciscan Order. Pray for us as we pray for you!

First Friday Mass

The Lord raised up the lowly one and exalted
him to the ends of the earth

Ant. 3, Morning Prayer, Oct. 4Th

Sometimes I get, well, not overly excited, but when the Lord does great things for me, I must praise Him. This past Friday was an off day at work for us, since the economic upturn hasn't completely caught up to our company's downturn yet, so we still have a four day week every other week. But no matter. I'm able to go to morning Mass, and this week it was also First Friday, which meant 9:00am Mass instead of 7:30. Plus, the kids were there from the school, which is always good to see. Found out during Fr. R Homily that the children are saying at least one decade of the Rosary every morning in the parking lot during this month, the month of the rosary. I say, Excellent! Start them young and then it becomes a part of their life. Father also spoke of the Guardian Angels, whose feast day it was on Friday. And then of course about St. Francis, and how he so loved Our Lord, and the Cross and all of creation. A great homily, spoken straight from the heart. H and I felt the call to climb the stairs to the choir and help our organist, Lida with vocal chores. I love to see the kids heads turn around and look up when they hear H belt it out. I love to sing with my wife! She helps me to sound ok. So, considering I wasn't amking any money, it was still a beautiful morning. Oh, yeah, plus rosary with the Rosary Women. I love doing that. Peace.

The next few days...

This has been an exciting few days for me. Last Tuesday, the 22ND was mine and H's last fraternity meeting as candidates. These last 2 1/2 years have been at times a struggle, but mostly filled with exhilarating moments, especially during our round-robin segments and ongoing formation discussions. I never knew just how deeply God has worked his way into my soul, the me of me. Many times I've had to stop with my presentation just because I let my emotions get the best of me. At 54 I'm still one of the youngest members, and I think sometimes the enthusiasm of H and myself can scare people. I'm hoping our Brothers and Sisters will grow to understand us a bit more. We're coming in next Wednesday and we're coming in for life! I invited my Mom and Dad, my brother and sister and there families, but we'll see who shows. At first I think they thought us joining the Seculars was a type of novelty idea on our part, something that was going to either wear off or not amount to much. I'm thinking they all looked into it a realized who the S.F. are and what the commitment is, and I think they all accept our choices. I hope so, but if not, so be it.
And this Saturday is the Transitus of St. Francis. 783 years ago on Oct. 3rd Francis flew from this earth. We are so lucky to have 3 Franciscan priests at our parish, and every year they have a nice service that evening. Other Friars and Sisters come from around the area, especially from Chicopee MA. We, the Seculars, will have a little something set up in the church hall for after the service. For a follower of St. Francis, this is a great time. I have to admit, Franciscan priests are a different lot. Some go by the letter of the law, so to speak, others, the spirit of the law, and the differences can be seen especially in the way they dress, when they're not working, so to speak. Cutoffs or jeans, tight tee shirts, lots of tattoos (Yes! Yikes!), almost anything goes in the spirit of St. Francis. I realize now that I'm more of a traditionalist. I guess maybe because I was somewhat wilder in my youth I feel closer to the more prayerful spirit of Francis and the Church. I think also, for me, there is never enough time for quiet prayer, or maybe not enough time to do nothing. When one does nothing, that leaves a lot of time for prayer.

Word loss for sure

If this is Friday, then it's a fast day. I don't want to spend a lot of words on this gift that God has given me, but I think now that the more I find it difficult to fast twice a week the more I pray about it and then the more I understand the whole gift. Get it? If it was easy for me I probably wouldn't get anything out of it. After all these years fasting still leaves me feeling, I don't know, more prayerful perhaps for lack of a better word. This is a poor attempt to describe a feeling that I can't even describe to myself. Failure!

The unexpected gift...

First, as you can see, I've changed some colors on the blog. I grew tired of the black, and it was beginning to make me uneasy, in a way. And I've come to love the browns and greys of the Franciscans, and, God willing, Oct. 7Th H and I will be professing together into the Seculars. A big day. As the time comes nearer I can sense an attitude adjustment taking place, believe me, with no will of my own. It can only be the Holy Spirit at work. I thought months ago I was ready then to profess and I was, but not in the same way I am now. The excitement of something new has passed; now the idea of the long haul has settled in and it is good. I know this is the right thing. But as all things that have to do with Our Lord God, as one door opens and you pass thru another appears, and you pray and pass thru into something different, and then the Spirit gets a hold of you and points you yet again. To me, that is part of the freedom of living with Christ, laying all your prayers, hopes, dreams, humbleness, humility at His feet, at His altar, at Himself, and letting go. When we can do that the eyes open, the heart is freed, the mind is tuned to Him. These are the small changes in my life that I try to do every day, to open my eyes, to free my heart. Some days the journey is smooth. Most days the road is rough. My job is a rough road at times, and I fail miserably at bring Jesus to the forefront there. That's usually my biggest regret at the end of the day; my failure to proclaim him to my brothers and sisters as I should. This last bit of a revelation came to me in the last 15 minutes or so of this afternoons Adoration, after Our Lord had lulled me into a strange state of, well, not prayer, and not sleeping, really, but it seemed I was in a tranquil state and then alert, tranquil state and then alert until the last few minutes when all the thoughts of the failures and how Francis must have felt when he chastised himself, when opportunities were missed even by him, moments lost by me. Every once in a while we're given a small insight by God, and I know I've missed 99% of them given me, but I think I felt a small one this afternoon. It was a small unexpected gift, a simple yet beautiful flower from a friend.

Monday Evening Rosary - aftermath

Just want to say that Monday evening rosary, The Sorrowful Mysteries, were beautiful. Just three of us, but a perfect way to end the day.

Just a note on last night. My old self reared its' ugly head yesterday, I hope only the product of a long weekend doing 'stuff' contrary to my normal living. Probably too much time at the fair, seeing too many people, which, in and of itself is not bad, but at times I can't handle it too well anymore. Come last Sunday that was my situation. I needed quiet time and I couldn't find it and instead of seeing the situation as it was and getting through the day praising God for giving me difficulties, I failed completely, feeling sorry for myself, and taking some of it out on H. I read a great quote recently but I'm afraid I don't know where or who from. It goes like this; "No matter if he is playing, working, eating, talking having fun or even sleeping, he is in prayer." I'll figure out who said it and where its from, but these are truly words to live by. Well, that was my failure, not staying in prayer most of the time this weekend. So this evening I really needed the time in church and the calming effects of Our Mother and the Rosary. Thank you Rosary folk and Praise God!

Evening Rosary

Today is the third Monday of the month, so that means Evening Rosary at our church. Two Mondays' ago it was Labor Day, and I really didn't expect anyone to show up but I was hoping, but at 7:00pm it was only H and I. Which really doesn't matter to me. I'm there to start the rosary at 7:00 and to make sure the doors get locked when we're done. God provides the rest. But I do have to say, with the westering light flowing through the stained glass just as we begin, and only a few lights on inside the church, with the heavy silence broken only by our voices in chant-like unison, St. Edward Church is a beautiful place to be on a Monday evening, whether it's only me, or H and myself or 6 or 8 others. It's a nice place to be.

Come and join us.

Over-done at the Big E

Today H and I, our son, our daughter, her boyfriend, (good kid), H's two sisters and a niece went up to New England's great fair, The Big E. And it was good, for most of the day. Everyone got along just fine, we shared food, (although being Friday, H and I were fasting, sort of. More on that later.) saw a lot of stuff and enjoyed each other's company. But by the time late afternoon rolled around, I'd had enough. Too many people, too much noise, too much of the world I'm trying to leave behind pressing in all around me. H felt the same. For those 4 or 5 hours that this Fair had pushed itself into my consciousness I had lost track of God a little bit. He wasn't first and foremost in my mind, or on my lips or in my heart. Once we decided we'd had enough we couldn't get out of there fast enough. On the way back to CT H read a bit from The Fatima Crusader which calmed us down a bit. It was just too much being back into that world of bright lights, entertainment and random buying of stuff one really doesn't need. I'm not coming down on fairs. I really do love them, and I have to spend most of tomorrow and part of Sunday (oh, no! not Sunday!) at our local Four Town fair. I guess I really only like a fair in little doses and not when I let all the fun drive out Our Lord and Savior.

About that fast...

Today, being Friday is a fast day for H and myself. Wednesdays and Fridays are the days our Blessed Mother asks us to fast, so we do, bread and water. Been a few years now, no big deal. H is much better than me, I drink coffee during the day at work, sometimes have a couple of crackers, maybe a pretzel or two. It's extremely hard for me to fast the way I believe the B. M. intends, asks us to. H, on the other hand is rock solid, and although she speaks to me of temptations on her fast days she hardly ever wavers. Well, today is a fast day and we're going to The Big E! If you've never been there let me say this; lots of food booths of every kind. And the aromas! Not a good place to be on a fast day. Anyway, today September 18 the readings from the red book entitled Proper Offices of Franciscan Saints and Blessed were for Joseph of Cupertino, Franciscan priest of the Order of Friars Minor Conventual. It was also a Franciscan Feast day, which H and I usually celebrate as a feast, namely by not fasting. Which was fine, and we planned on feasting today, no problem, until there, in our daily reading in Medjugorje, Day By Day, for today the 18Th of Sept. Our Lady tells us: Observe the complete fasts, Wednesdays and Fridays. Pray at least the full rosary, the Joyful, Sorrowful, and the Glorious Mysteries. Well, the feast was put aside, and we gave up what probably would have been an afternoon of over doing it anyway to a day of ignoring the smells and avoiding the sights and for us to just nibble on the crackers that H brought. We did share clam fritters with everyone, but we somehow justified having them by saying they were mostly dough, which they were.

A day of fun at the fair is behind us, Bless the Lord.

After 4:00 Mass this afternoon we had our Knights of Columbus Officers Installation Ceremony. I think at final count we had five Brother Knights who didn't show, two of which had told me that they couldn't make it, they would be out of town. No problem, your still an Officer. Our District Deputy was the man in charge, and he did a great job. I really like him a lot, and look forward to working with him when I have to. Three of our wives were there also, and they actually adorned us with the jewels. Fr. R. was there and participated, and I think he knows or can feel the urgency and high expectations that this new leadership brings. I don't know. I'm not a born leader, at all. I have to get all of my Grand Knight leadership skills from our Lord, literally. As I stood in front of our District Deputy as he read to us the moving passages of the K of C installation ceremony, I prayed. Prayed that I could do the job my Brothers elected me for, to lead them and to help them to accomplish our goals in the name of Our Lord and God. H thought I was getting ready to faint, but that was the farthest thing from my mind. Just standing before the altar, with the huge Franciscan Cross hanging before me I have to admit I thought of Francis and the awesome responsibility that he took on for his Brothers and our church. And at the same time I felt, well, not love, really, but the good vibes that were all around us in the church. I'm so glad that we had the installation in the church, after Mass. I was the right choice.
This has been a soul-moving week for me. I use soul-moving for lack of a better word, as I don't think eye-opening works here. Adoration, prayer with H everyday, Mass this morning and this afternoon, private gifts from above for my interior journey, how can I complain about anything? But I still do! I'm an A_ _! Lord, smack me and punish me for such stupid thoughts! Bless He Who Reigns Above Forever!

Thorns and Adoration! Rejoice!

Friday morning, and I don't know if I'm still feeling the after-effects, (so to speak), of yesterdays' hour of Adoration, but, well, some days everything is more clearer than others. Ever have a day like that? Today is one for me. Thursdays' Adoration was the first of the Fall through Spring schedule that our Parish follows, 12:00 noon until 7:30pm. I am there from 5-6. As soon as I entered the Church I could feel Him, and He lead me and opened me for an hour to just plain peace and enlightenment (for lack of better words. I'm at work, so I'm rushing this post!). And then this morning, during Morning Prayer with H, the Reading, 2 Corinthians 12, the thorn in my side and My grace is sufficient for you, brought about (again!) an intoxicating feeling of humility in me. It's hard for me to read these passages, I can almost hear Paul's voice, even though he probably never actually read this letter to anyone, instead being read by millions of faithful through the years. Today, Paul slapped me a little harder than usual. It could be because of trials going on in my life right now, even though small to most still loom as obstacles to contend with to me. This reading, combined with Adoration reminded me that trials are given to us to celebrate, to gain strength and to keep us on the right road.

Evening Prayer

Tonight, as every Wed. at 7:00pm we have Evening Prayer at our church with our fellow Secular Franciscans. I was asked to be the antiphonerian, which i love because I just happen to really love the pauses between each segment. (I don't know the proper name.) The pause after saying the antiphon for the second time and before saying the next one gives the prayer a special magic to it, as if it needed any more magic. I especially liked the Reading, Ephesians 3: 17-21, the first line; May Christ dwell in you hearts through faith, and may charity be the root and foundation of your life. I don't remember that line before, and I don't ever remember it smacking me between the eyes. But between the light through the stain glass windows, the reading, the timbre of the Evening Prayer, I just didn't want it to end.

A change of view

Back on-line after a long delay. Our PC was down but now up and running again, and I'm going to try to post every night, if possible. Be patient with me, I'm slow and stupid at formulating myself lately, and most of the time I only wish to read others' blogs and not write in my own. But we'll see...