Third Saturday In Lent

Today, the 29th of March, is the Saturday of the Third Week of Lent, Station at St. Susanna's.  Susanna was a Roman virgin who was martyred under the Emperor Diocletian.  An account of the test of the chaste Susanna is the Epistle for today.  As Father first read it through in Latin and I read along in my Missal, and then as I heard it again in English, so many different thoughts and actions stood out like bold print on a white page.  Her husband Joakim, an honourable man from a town that was less than honourable, (Babylon), the vivid description of the evil elders who fell into lust as they perverted their own minds, one scene after another.  The multitude  believed them as being the elders and the judges of the people, and they condemned her to death.  Susanna's cry out to God, her total faith in Him.  And then God raises up Daniel, who silences the people as he speaks the truth, truth that cuts through the lies of the perverted elders.  O thou seed of Chanaan and not of Juda, beauty hath deceived thee, and lust hath perverted thy heart: thus did you do to the daughters of Israel, and they for fear conversed with you: but a daughter of Juda would not abide your wickedness.  Young Daniel the Prophet, speaking of things that only he knew?  The thread of forgiveness weaves its way through the narrative, until truth triumphs in the end and God's Justice is brought forth.  This reading, coupled with the Gospel for today, John viii. 1-11, the woman pardoned by Jesus for her crime of adultery, shows us that God's mercy is beyond our understanding, as Jesus shows us. The scribes and pharisees thought they could finally pin him down once and for all by bringing to Him a, as they saw it, an open and closed case, a women caught in the act of adultery.  First the words to the scribes and pharisees; He that is without sin, cast the first stone; then His words to her, Go, and now sin no more.  To abstain from sin and cultivate virtue.  How can I find the love that brings forth such charity, such forgiveness?  I pray to God that I have not run up to that forgiveness wall, where my charitable acts are reserved for some and not all?  thoughts for me to work on as I move through Lent.  

One last thought.

After receiving I'm usually just quiet with my own prayers of thanksgiving, but today, for some reason (I was told, I know it!) I turned to the section of the St. Andrew Missal, Thanksgiving After Mass And Holy Communion.  I opened to the Prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, which I don't recall ever reading, but thought I must share.  This is an unbelievably moving and beautiful prayer.

  I give Thee thanks, O holy Lord, Father almighty, eternal

God, who hast vouchsafed, not for any merits of mine, but

solely out of the condescension of Thy mercy, to satisfy me

a sinner, Thine unworthy servant, with the precious Body

and Blood of Thy Son our Lord Jesus Christ.  I pray that

this holy Communion be not to me a condemnation unto

punishment, but a saving plea unto forgiveness.  May it be

unto me the armour of faith and the shield of good will.

May it be the emptying out of my vices, the extinction of all

concupiscence and lust, the increase of charity and patience, 

of humility and obedience, and of all virtues; a strong defense

against the snares of all enemies, visible and invisible; the

perfect quieting of all my evil impulses, both fleshly and 

ghostly; a firm cleaving unto Thee, the one true God; and

a pledge of a blessed destiny.  And I beseech Thee, that

Thou wouldst vouchsafe to bring me, a sinner to that inef-

fable banquet, where Thou, with Thy Son and the Holy

Ghost, art to Thy saints true light, fullness of content, eternal

joy, gladness without alloy and perfect bliss.  Through the

                                       same Christ our Lord.  Amen.

LINEN ON THE HEDGEROW: How to love that boring Latin Mass

LINEN ON THE HEDGEROW: How to love that boring Latin Mass: The link address is here..... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezdpcm-C-Zg H/T to Joseph Shaw at LMS Chairman for his post on a young ...

Never Satisfied.

For a little more than a week now I've been sort of following a diet that my wife is on.  It's mostly at night, I, we (my son and I) eat what she eats; and it's all good, high in fiber, tasty, all that, but I never really feel full, never do I have that feeling of yeah, that was a really good meal and I am stuffed.  There is often that ( mini voice in my head speaking) Yeah, that was pretty good, but I am still hungry! but I know that this is good for me so I'll try to soldier up and move on.  "I'll have one cookie, please".  Oh well.  But the more I think about it the more I see the parallels between this trying to eat right and the spiritual life, especially my spiritual life.  At one time I was a member of a Secular Franciscan Order, and I am a professed Secular Franciscan.  I say was, because I no longer follow that way of the Franciscans.  The S.F. live the complete modern theology Catholicism, tied up completely with the Novus Ordo Mass, which we (H and I) do not attend.  How could we?  Once we discovered the Rule of 1221 and began attending the TLM our lives changed completely.  What we thought was good food for the soul was nothing but food for the man, an exhalation to ourselves.  For me, to go to Holy Mass, I almost always come away with a longing for more.  When I go to Mass and I leave I'm not completely satisfied, completely filled up as after a nice big meal.  No, Mass for me is what it is, the Sacrifice of Calvary in an un-bloodied manner, but also it serves as a sustaining event until the next Mass, and also, especially a Low Mass, can be a time of beautiful reflection and prayer.  I love especially the Low Mass during the week,  (praise God I am able to attend one!) 7:00am, before work.  A beautiful way to begin the day.  And then that time spent allows the mind, body and soul to come together in a correct way to begin the work day.  But there is always that longing, that desire for more of God, more of this holy life that I believe most of us long to live, are called to live.  In a perfect world is to be left alone, to follow the Words of Our Lord in order to achieve our final goal, Heaven.  I know this isn't happening, not to very many of us.  Our state of life leaves us no other choice but to get muddy, get dirty almost each and every day.  And that is alright, it is our duty to show ourselves to the world, to give good example.  That may be the only way we can call souls to God nowadays. The wave of this world is about to wash over us, and we, a bit like clams in their shells must hunker down and let this madness pass over us.  Our longing will sustain us, like a deep prayer that echos in our breast, our favorite one that we resort to in dark times.  The fullness of fluff that passes for a lot of Christianity today will perhaps overwhelm the world we live in for awhile, maybe even though our lifetime, but we can do nothing about that.  Strive for more, never let our hunger be satisfied, never live to say 'This is all there is in my spiritual life", never be satisfied with ourselves. The life of a Christian is a constant war against the world, the flesh and the devil.  Once we are satisfied, we have lost.  

Pray for us, O Holy Mother of God, that we may be worthy of the promises of Christ.  

The Retreat

My son and I are heading out this Sunday to a 5-day silent retreat on the Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius of Loyola.  I've been looking forward to this for a long time while my son, who is twenty six,  I think has a bit of trepidation.  He's a very outgoing people person and I don't think he likes the idea of a silent retreat.  I guess it can be a bit daunting if you've never done it.  Last summer a good friend of mine and myself did a 3 day retreat of the same kind (although put on by different priests) and it went very well, it was very natural,  and we had no problem keeping quiet for three days.  That first time, I didn't know what to expect.  This time, I am looking forward to the silence. It seems no matter what I try to do here, in this state of life, I can't seem to re-arrange my life to give myself more time for silence.  The world seems to run rampant over all inner thought, leaving one almost defenseless at times to all onslaughts.  Overwhelmed, is perhaps a better word.  All in all, though, I'm trying to go into this retreat with a feeling of nothing, that is to say trying to keep my expectations down to nothing.  I desperately need  to un-focus from this world of work, sleep, work again.  Even starting the day with Holy Mass my mind can't slow down enough to escape into the silence of the Mass.  So be it.  Just read recently a beautiful piece, either in the Remnant or Catholic Family News on how to keep God before us at all times.  One part I especially liked, what resonated in me was this, and I shall paraphrase:  Do even the smallest action the best you can, and do it as though Jesus, or the Blessed Virgin or God Himself were right there doing it with you.  I had never thought of it that way, with God right there with me. It all of a sudden made all my actions seem just that much more important to do, because Our Lord is right there with me.  When I can remember to think like that the act that I do becomes that much more joyful, even the most redundant job at work.  For me, it was a small revelation, even on something that I had known from the start.  Thank you, Father, for that small gift.  

  Tomorrow I will pack.  Tonight, after this  I'll sit in the dark for awhile, try to get through a Rosary before sleeps overcomes me.  H is asleep on the couch.  I've already begun to feel the small sadness that occurs when we're apart.  Two become one.  For us, it has been an incredible journey to Heaven, a road hard and narrow but one we travel alone together.  For now, I'll let that small sadness rest quietly within me, I'll enjoy the sweet sorrow that a husband and wife have when they are parted for a time.  I know it is God, Family, Duty.  I know to love God above all things.  But for right now, this moment our love will linger, in a melancholy state of mind.

Dec. 24

December 24th, The Vigil of the Nativity, 11:30am and I'm still at work.  I said I'd leave at 12:00 noon, but I'm chaffing at the bit to be out.  I've been trying to slow my mind down since I left Holy Mass this morning, but at work, well, it's my state in life so when I'm here I have to be all here.  But now, it is time to go, to re-focus once again on the searching for shelter, for the Manger, the Birth. To not insert Christ in to Christmas but to allow everything else to flow to Him.  

Not easy in this mad world. 

From a book read by ST. Teresa of Avila

(from)

CHAPTER VII

Six Specific Blessings for Which We Should Give Thanks 

(Partial)

  The first thing for which both sinners and just men should bless the Lord is the universal, fruitful redemption he effected by sacrificing his life for our miserable one, paying in his grief over our death and captivity an enormous price for a vile thing, and shedding his precious blood to refresh earthly man and bring him to life so that we who were dead in sin could flourish in life.  He sealed our friendship with God through the kiss of false peace from Judas and was bound and taken prisoner to release Adam who had robbed and committed suicide.  H let false, lying witnesses charge him so that later he would not admit those witnesses the devil surely would set against us who have offended him in so many ways.  His holy countenance was spat upon to cleanse the face of the soul, which is made blacker than charcoal by sin, and his precious face was covered so that the veil of ignorance would be drawn from the soul and its blindness revealed to us.  He was brought before the judges so that we could appear without fear at the universal judgement.  Silent, refusing to speak, he paid for Eve's conversation with the serpent and in his divine person compensated for our evil, excessive talk.  He was stripped of his garments to strip away the old person and garb us with virtue and the attire of eternal betrothal.  He was beaten to ease the sting of justice's whip, which we truly deserve.  He was falsely honored on earth so that we might be truly honored in heaven.  He was crowned with thorns to crown us with glory.  He was made to hold a reed in his hand so the scepter of his empire would be ours.  He was crucified between thieves to free us from the infernal company we had chosen and set us in friendship with the holy angels.  -  The Third Spiritual Alphabet, Francisco Osuna

The Middle Road

This past week two comments from Pope Francis caught my eye. (I try not to pay much attention to his off the cuff comments.)  These occurred in a somewhat "official capacity".  His comments in his Homily and what was said and not said in his meeting with Giorgio Napolitano, President of the Italian Republic. I'm not going to go into it word for word, we all probably know what was said.  And how in his homily the other day he talked about the danger of being to caught up with Marian apparitions.  These and his obvious dislike for the Latin Mass have led me to this conclusion;  Our Pope (and the men who surround him) want to flat-line out the Catholic church to the point where the Church is completely inoffensive. Our Holy Fathers' comments on Medjugorje say to me that the Church wants nothing to do with any type of spiritual event that stands out or is different, or 'offensive to our Protestant brothers.'  For him, I believe, any Marion apparition fits this category.  (Notice he didn't defend, denounce or even mention Fatima or Lourdes.)  And I believe it is the same with the TLM.  Anything that takes away from the simplicity of the Novus Ordo Mass or that causes any division in a parish is not good, so, time to crush it.  No doubt about it, these are dark times for Holy Mother Church. To keep our heads in the sand and just either ignore what Pope Francis says or go along with him is to agree with what is happening to our Church.  To ignore 2,000 years of Christ's and the Church's  teaching and to just show love for neighbor and works of charity, well, anyone can do that.  All the hugging and smiles will not help the Sunday Catholics who never go to confession, don't bury their dead properly, show lack of reverence in Mass, who don't believe in Hell and probably don't even believe in Heaven.  The dumbing down of our Church so as to make it inoffensive fly in the face of Christs own words.    For I came to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. 

All because people disagree with Catholics or see us as 'righteous' or any of the denouncements used today, should mean nothing to us.  We should always take the high road, the Road to Heaven, no matter what the cost.  

  Intercede for us O Holy Mother of God, from the anger of God the Father.

Pope Francis: A reflection.

When I saw and read this image on Facebook, I asked myself; What about the Rosary?  Not any of the dozens of other questions that came to my mind afterward, but just this, what about our Mother's Rosary. I am still trying to hang on to all the positive sentiments (for lack of a better word) that as a Catholic man I should have for the Pope.  But for me, it is hard.  Not to get into the categorizing mode of 'what kind of a catholic are you,' I will say that I am, as they say, (or I say), an old school traditional Catholic.  I have been blessed to be able to go to only the Latin Mass, (Ecclesia  Dei, SSPX) except on Thursday mornings when I attend a Novus Ordo Mass with my parents.  It's nice meeting them there and going to Mass with them, something I've never done until this past spring.  In these times we must show ourselves through love and charity, and so I do what I must do.  But when I'm there I pray for our Holy Mother Church, that by some Hand of God she comes to Her senses and realizes the error filled road that she is on.  I'm sorry, but I can't help but see the situation this way.  I will not go on about Vat.II.  Enough has been said about that time in church history by men and women 100 times more gifted than me.  I am not a good apologist.  I don't go off looking for more crosses to bear by way of looking for or being argumentative.  But my inner anger was roused when week after week I read or hear of something Pope Francis has said that, to me smacks against the side of what the Church was and still is; a bastion of Truth and Strength in this modern world.  A Church that knows the difference between right and wrong, good and bad, justice and injustice.  It seems to me that Pope Francis, in his zeal to reach out to all people is leaving behind the flock that is his to tend.  Why must he leave behind all that the Church has always been, the Traditions and Dogmas that has helped the Church to be the rock that she is for over 2000 years?  We all know that the first task in this life is prayer, to praise God.  But not the prayer of words?  Then what, contemplative prayer for all mankind?  Many people are not made for that kind of prayer, many know only the Rosary, really.  Many will read this and say, what does he mean, should I give up my Rosary?  I know this line of reasoning sounds absurd but this is the following of the thread Pope Francis gives us.  


   As everyone knows lack of faith in Christ's teaching is widespread in the world.  This constitutes a double danger for men.  It is dangerous for the unbelievers themselves because they run the risk of losing God.  It is dangerous even for those who have the faith because unbelievers fight against the faith.  Believers, especially if they are not too well educated or instructed in the truths of the faith, run the risk of losing their faith in the face of the bad example, false arguments or persecutions with which unbelievers attack the faith.  (from) My Way of Life, the Summa Simplified for Everyone, 1952

  ST. Thomas saw the errors that could attack the Church even then.  Times have not changed much, only now we know we have a true Modernist for a Pope.  Modernism, liberalism, naturalism, all dangers that past Popes have warned us of, now perhaps embraced by our Holy Father in his quest for ecumenism.  I am left with only my prayers, contemplative and, if I want, chattering like a parrot.  The Holy Mass of the Ages and the Rosary of our Blessed Mother was good enough for many Saints and just good Catholics, I know these Gifts from Heaven will be good enough for me.    

  

The Pope and the President

I have no way to even begin to comment on this article.  I know our President is pro everything, but to hear him talk about life in such a haphazard is chilling.  Combining Pope Francis' remarks along with our Presidents in one article is something I thought I'd never read.  

But there it is.  

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President Barack Obama on Wednesday welcomed Pope Francis' recent remarks that the Catholic Church must shake off an obsession with teachings on abortion, contraception and homosexuals, saying the pontiff was showing incredible humility.

"I tell you, I have been hugely impressed with the pope's pronouncements," Obama said in a CNBC interview.

Obama has worked to expand gay rights as president and last year backed same-sex marriage. He also supports the use of contraception and a woman's right to an abortion.

Pope Francis told the Italian Jesuit Journal last month that the Church had "locked itself up in small things" by its obsession with abortion, contraception and homosexuality.

Obama said the pope seemed to be someone who "lives out the teachings of Christ" and shows "incredible humility" toward the poor.

"That's a quality I admire," said Obama, who has yet to meet the new pope.

Our Guardian Angels

I wanted to post this just how I read it this morning, from my Breviary, on this, Oct 2, The Feast of The Holy Guardian Angels.


Reading 3
From the Sermons of St Bernard, Abbat of Clairvaux.
On Ps. xc
He hath given His Angels charge over thee. A wonderful graciousness, and a wonderful outpouring of love. For who hath given charge? And what charge? Unto whom? And over whom? Let us carefully consider, my brethren, let us carefully hold in mind this great charge. For who hath given this charge? To Whom belong the Angels? Whose commandments do they obey, and Whose will do they do? He hath given His Angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways, and that not carelessly, for they shall bear thee up in their hands. The Highest Majesty, therefore, hath given charge unto Angels, even His Angels. Unto these beings so excellently exalted, so blessed, so near to Himself, even as His own household, unto these hath He given charge over thee. Who art thou? What is man, that Thou art mindful of him? or the son of man, that Thou visitest him? Ps. viii. 5. Even as though man were not rottenness, and the son of man, a worm. (Job. xxv. 6.) But what charge hath He given them over thee? To keep thee in all thy ways.
V. But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us.
R. Thanks be to God.

The Holy Father

I'm just going to rant a bit.

    Can someone explain to me (aside from the obvious, as I see it anyway) why the Holy Father would lead us down the road of "de-emphasis of hot button social issues"?  These last two weeks have left me baffled as to why, truly why a man, elected Pope, can say and evidently turn the face of the church so far away from its theological traditions.  I know why, in my heart and soul I know why, but like I said, I'm just going to rant.

I'd rant more but I've got to get back to work. 

Chapel time.

At our parish we have a 24 hour Adoration Chapel, but it's not really 24 hours anymore, just not enough people to cover the hours.  Attrition mostly, but also people don't like to commit to any certain time, they like to just stop by the Chapel for 10, 20 minutes, a half hour, whatever.  And I understand that, it's a busy world we live in and everyone has stuff to do.  But I'm here from 5-7 pm, and really not too many people show up during the supper hours.  It's very quiet, just me and Him.  It has been 1 hour, 30 min. and I'm still on my knees.  I say this not for any gratification or show-offness, but to make a point.  Sometimes people, myself included, would never in a million years sit during Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament, but during their Chapel hour, will sit.  Is He not the same God?  For myself, I'm going to try to stay on my knees for however long I'm in the Chapel before the blessed Sacrament.  It's good penance for me and our Lord knows I'm lazy when it comes to penance and sacrifice.  I know not everyone is the same, bad knees, bad back, etc.  This is just me talking and I feel the need to give God all the reverence that is due Him by me.  

I made the 2 hours.

I bought a bike.

 I bought a new bike.
  Actually, I didn't buy it, H did, I just picked it out.  We went into the bike shop, and one of the first things she says, is "Don't look at the price!", which I didn't, sort of.  I looked but ignored it.  I settled for a Trek, one from their Hybrid line, a really nice bike and one that seems good for me.  I haven't really ridden it yet, around the neighborhood near the bike shop, but that's about it.  Tomorrow, perhaps, if all goes well.
  I used to ride a lot, two, three times a week, spring, summer, fall.  Then I got away from it, for many reasons, time, age, other priorities.  I became more focused on other things, and riding did take up a lot of time, two, sometimes three hours a trip.  But back then I had the time, or so I thought, to do things like ride a bike, watch hours of t.v., take on different challenges, adventures, anything to fill up the time in a day, not knowing or realizing that someone was asking me to come home, in a very loud voice, for many years.  It had been so long since I'd heard this voice I didn't even recognize it.  It seemed alien, disturbing.  His voice can be like that, when you've been away for such a long time, a very long time in my case, and the ears of your heart can become encrusted with the grime of the world.  Mine was like that, encrusted, and covered over with many rocks, put there by me, with every action that I offended God with.  His Church I offended.  His Mother I offended, and His Son I offended.  But through all these things that I did, worldly things with no thought of any consequence, I rode.  With a bike ride everything went away, all the cares of the day, the anxieties, doubts, the voice, everything.  It was me challenging me, me pushing myself into oblivion, physically.  In a new-age sort of modern way I guess maybe then I was close to Him, in the silence of the ride or the sounds of the world as I passed through it.  And it did keep me fit, which is probably most important, and that is really why I'm going to get back to it, for the fitness part and also to ride together with H.  We do mostly everything together, and with God's grace we will ride together, this time!  At 58 I'm not going to beat myself up anymore.  I have to take care of my body, not abuse it, for it was given to me by our Father in Heaven, to take care of as best I can. It's the same with the other aspects of my life. I've tried to jettison all of those bad habits and bad choices that kept the rocks and crust surrounding my heart. Through prayer and guidance I've learned how to say "I'm not going to do this" and do it, and "I don't need this", and not have it.  I'll not lie; these actions are accomplished only about half the time, the un-learning of a lifetime of darkness will take the rest of my life.  I look at it this way; for every two or three stones I lift from my heart I manage to replace them with at least one. But I don't really mind the labor.  It is a life of penance, isn't it?  For me it is.  In seeking Him, the silence is supreme.  The Narrow Way is ever so hard, but oh so quiet when one can see the road clearly.  
  So I will ride again, maybe tomorrow, just a warm-up ride.  I'll get my bike blessed by Fr. M., a good blessing from his old black book of prayers and blessings, from the Old Rite, complete with Holy Water.  I will ride and pray, and thank God for His consolations and praise Him for the desolations as He gives them to me.  I hope to write more here or perhaps on my other blogs that I haven't touched in months and months, but time will tell.  I don't want to whine.  

First Rule:  The love that moves and causes one to choose must descend form above, that is, from the love of God, so that before one chooses he should perceive that the greater or less attachment for the object of his choice is solely because of His Creator and Lord.  (from) Christian Warfare  
 

The feast of Pentecost

                                                                                                                                                                                       But, behold, now, if I shall ask any one of you whether he loveth God, he will answer with all boldness and quietness of spirit "I do love him." But at the very beginning of this day's Lesson from the Gospel, ye have heard what the Truth saith " If a man love Me, he will keep My word." The test, then, of love, is whether it is showed by works. Hence the same John hath said in his Epistle I. iv. 20, v. 3 "If a man say, I love God, and keepeth not His commandments, He is a liar." Then do we indeed love God, and keep His commandments, if we deny ourselves the gratification of our appetites. Whosoever still wandereth after unlawful desires, such an one plainly loveth not God, for he saith, Nay, to that which God willeth.

Lesson ii, Roman Breviary, Homily of St. Gregory, Pope

Homily 30 on the Gospels

A decision made...

Sometimes there just isn't an easy way to write about things.  I haven't posted much in the last year or so, and to be honest, I'm not that good of a writer to just be pumping out the first thing that comes into my head.  Usually the first thing that comes out of my mouth is nonsense!  Through spiritual reading and prayer I've realized that I'm the type of person who, when the conversation begins to take on weight, I must slow down and keep my mouth closed, and my ears open.  I believe that, when we give ourselves more and more to God, to knock down that invisible wall that we sometimes put up between us and Him, that wall of control that we hate to give up, when we do what God asks and love Him completely, our lives will change with His flow of Grace.  I've found that it's too hard to live with that feeling that I must hold the reins.  There are certain things that, as a man, I must do.  I must follow the three precepts as a man must; God, Family, Duty. But in all the other aspects of my life, I'm done with putting myself out there, and for the sake of what?  The sake of the world?  No, this world holds no interest for me any longer.  A world that has forgotten completely and totally about God.  A world where man comes first in almost everything, and God is a distant last. In the last few years I've come to insulate myself by surrounding myself with like-minded people, devout Catholics who follow the old theology of the church, who attend and believe deeply in the Traditional Latin Mass and who try to put God first before everything.  A daunting task, that is at times.  And through all of this I've tried to live my life in the footsteps of our Lord Jesus Christ by following the path of ST. Francis as a Secular Franciscan.  Francis' complete devotion to Christ, his life of complete abandonment to our God has been a tremendous inspiration to me.  I cannot imagine myself as not a Franciscan.  And this brings me to this juncture in my life, to a place where, as a Catholic and a Franciscan I can go no longer.  I cannot remain as a 'Secular Franciscan'.  The Seculars follow a path that has been mapped out since after Vatican II and follows the Novus Ordo Mass and all the new theology that that Mass brings with it.  I, and H also, we are no longer there.  As of last fall, H and I have been on a one year leave of absence from our Fraternity.  At that final meeting I realized that the gulf between our ways of living the Franciscan Rule was too great.  The Rule of 1221, written and given to the brothers by Francis himself, is, I believe, the only way to live one's life as a Franciscan.  To the letter, to the letter, to the letter.  Francis' own words.  That way of Franciscan life is gone, washed away in this era of modernism and in a world that puts man first.  I informed our Minister to begin the process of withdrawal.  

  Where do we go from here?  Onward with our Journey to God.  For the past year and a half H and I  have been Novices again, as we begin this part of our lives as Third Order Franciscans.  We have joined an Association which focuses on living the Franciscan life by the Rule of 1221.  As members of a Latin Mass community it makes perfect sense to begin living and promoting our lives as the Third Order did before Vat.II.  We have started a Fraternity here.  We have members.  We have called to God, and He has heard us.  This world is a crazy, out of control place.  We must all find our way to God, for He calls and we must listen.

St. Joseph the Worker

Hymn

O Joseph, heavenly hosts thy

worthiness proclaim,

And Christendom conspires to

celebrate thy fame,

Thou who in purest bonds wert to

the Virgin bound;

How glorious is thy name renowned.

Thou, when thou didst behold thy

Spouse about to bear,

Wert sore oppressed with doubt,

wert filled with wondering care;

At length the angel's word thy

anxious heart relieved:

She by the Spirit hath conceived.

Thou with thy newborn Lord didst

seek far Egypt's land,

As wandering pilgrims ye fled o'er

the desert sand;

That Lord, when lost, by thee is in

the Temple found,

While tears are shed and joys

abound.

Not till death's hour is past do

other men obtain

The need of holiness, and glorious

rest attain;

Thou, like to Angels made, in life

completely blest,

Dost clasp thy God unto thy breast.

O Holy Trinity, thy suppliant

servants spare;

Grant us to rise to heaven for

Joseph's sake and prayer,

And so our grateful hearts to thee

shall ever raise

Exulting canticles of praise.

Amen.

(from) 1 Vespers, May 1st

ST. JOSEPH THE WORKMAN

Spouse of the Blessed Virgin Mary

Confessor

Prayers...

  I will raise me up a faithful

priest, who shall do according

to my heart, and my soul ;

and I will build him a faithful

house, and he shall walk

all days before my annointed.

Ps.  O Lord, remember David,

and all his meekness.

Glory be to the Father... 

Introit : 1 Reg. ii 35

(from) Mass for the election of a Pope, ST. Andrew Daily Missal

Feast of the Holy Family (TLM)

"He was subject to them."
"Who was subject?"  St. Bernard asks, "and to whom?"
  A God to men!  Yes, the God whom the angels serve, whom the Principalities and Powers obey.  He was subject to Mary and not to Mary only, but to Joseph also, for Mary's sake.  That a God should obey a human creature; here is humility without parallel.  That the same human creature should command God; here is a height and depth nowhere else attained.  Man, learn to obey.  Earth, learn to consent to a low estate.  Dust, learn to humble yourself, for the Evangelist says of your Creator:  "He was subject to them," and there is no doubt that this means, to Mary and Joseph.  Blush then, proud ashes.  A God humbles Himself; while you exalt yourself.  A God becomes subject to men, while you, seeking to rule over men, put yourself above your Creator.  O Man, if you will not condescend to follow the example of a man, surely it will not be beneath you to follow your Creator. (3rd. Noct.)

Thanksgiving Day

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  As I sit and write, today, Thanksgiving, I feel I must not fall into let's say, a mood, a way of thinking that I'm prone to, and then  my musings will usually take on that mood.  If I did, this post I'm sure would be dark, for the world in which we live, as Catholics, is a dark place, with he-that-I-will-not-name firmly in control.  No matter.  The Light of Christ's Resurrection still shines bright for those who see.  
  We'll go to my sisters today, where my parents will be, which is a great blessing for us.  Many of my friends' parents are now gone, and as we get older these changes in our lives become more frequent, as aunts and uncles and even close family members leave this life here on earth behind.  H's parents are both gone, and she misses both very much, especially her Mom.  I still have my Mom and Dad and I treat them so shabbily at times it makes me sick.  No matter what I confess at confession I almost always have to add "I did not honor my Mother and Father...".  Lord, how low can I bring myself?  
I complain bitterly about things, even things I have control over, and I still complain!  Backwards, or what?  I'm not big on resolutions at any time of the year, only the slow, often painful, lonely road to Heaven.  I find after these moments that that road is very far away.  Jesus does pick us up every time we fall, but only if we look towards Him, and ask Him for His help.  I fall, and fall, and fall, but unlike before I'm more aware of my place with Him, and  I'm obligated to ask Him for help.  I have heard His Word and I believe, which means I have no choice anymore.  Isn't that beautiful?  No choice but to adore God!  No choice but to ask our Mother for His graces!  No choice but to ask Jesus to tell us the Will of God!  Among all the other people, events, good and bad in my life I must still put God first, and acknowledge Him as the one to be completely and absolutely thankful for for everything that has been my life so far.  And also, to pray for all who have either not heard His Word, or turned from it, to hear again His sweet, quiet call to all of us here on earth, here amongst the weeds. 

Just thought I'd share...

The Last Sunday of October

Feast of our Lord Jesus Christ the King

  In his Encyclical of December 11, 1925, H.H. Pius XI denounced the great modern heresy of laicism.  It refuses to recognize the rights of God and His Christ over persons and peoples and organizes the lives of individuals, families and of society itself, as though God did not exist.  This laicism substitutes pride and egoism.  It begets jealousy between individuals, hatred between classes and rivalry between nations. 

  The world denies Christ because it ignores His royal prerogatives.  It must be instructed on this subject.  Now "a yearly feast can attain this end, more effectively than the weightiest documents issued by ecclesiastical authority."  The Holy Father has instituted this new feast to be a public, social and official declaration of the royal rights of Jesus, as God the Creator, to be known and recognized, in a way most suitable to man and to society by the sublimest acts of religion - particularly by Holy Mass.  In fact, the end of the Holy Sacrifice is the acknowledgment of God's complete dominion over us, and our complete dependence on Him.  And this act is accomplished, not only on Calvary but also through the royal priesthood of Jesus which never ceases in His kingdom, which is heaven.  The great reality of Christianity is not a corpse hanging from a cross, but the risen Christ reigning in all the glory of His triumph in the midst of His elect who are His conquest.  And that is why the Mass begins with the finest vision of the Apocalypse where the Lamb of God is acclaimed by angels and saints.
  The Holy Father has expressed his wish that this feast should be celebrated towards the end of the liturgical year, on the last Sunday of October, as the consummation of all the mysteries by which Jesus has established His royal powers and nearly on the eve of All-Saints, where He already realizes them in part in being "the King of kings and the crown of All Saints"; until He shall be the crown of all those on earth whom He saves, especially by the Mass.  It is indeed principally by the Eucharist which is both a sacrifice and a sacrament, that Christ, now in glory assures the results of the victorious sacrifice of Calvary, by taking possession of souls through the application of the merits of His Passion and thereby unites them as members to their head.  The end of the Eucharist, says the Catechism of the Council of Trent, is "to form one sole mystic body of all the faithful" and so to draw them in the cult which Christ, king-adorer, as priest and victim, rendered in a bloody manner on the cross and now renders, in an unbloody manner, on the stone altar of our churches and on the golden altar in heaven, to Christ, king-adored, as Son of God, and to His Father whom He offers these souls.

  (from) The Saint Andrew Daily Missal, 1951

A parting of paths...

Next Tuesday H and I have been called to meet with our fraternity council, concerning our spiritual direction, or, as the e-mail stated, to "discuss where you are and where you are going." 
For us, it is simple.  We are firmly pursuing life as Franciscans by following the Rule of 1221.  This original rule, given by St. Francis to the laity, is basically ignored by the Secular Franciscans of today.  We find that living our lives firmly rooted in the traditions and laws of our Roman Catholic faith, through the glory of the Traditional Latin Mass, we are living as, we believe, Franciscans should live.  Our fraternity, and I imagine most fraternities who exist solely in accordance with the Novus Ordo Mass, the New Mass, will be forever intwined with the modernism of today.  With no apologies, H and I refuse to go down that road any longer.  If our paths must permanently part, so be it.  In obedience, we will attend the meeting, and present our side.  But we will not plead.  I am not a good apologist for my faith.  I cannot argue 'the good fight' like others I know.  I will end this post by saying that I will follow our God wherever He leads me, even, if so, unto death.  I pray always to remain completely humble and filled with the knowledge that no thought or decision I have is my own, but His who is our Father.
Please pray for us as we appear to have come to an end of one road.

The Transitus

  Last evening we celebrated the Transitus of St. Francis and it was so good to be with the Franciscan family again.  The church was filled with Sisters and Brothers, priests and other Seculars and a handful of just regular people.  All there to celebrate the completion of Francis' life on earth, to hear of his final acts and the words he spoke to his brothers.  In its own way it was a beautiful ceremony in a very beautiful chapel, but for me, these events are always tinged in sadness, for inside I long to see these ceremonies as they where fifty, sixty or a hundred years ago.  God has turned me from the Novus Ordo Mass to, I believe, the full force of the one true Catholic way of life, living daily through the Traditional Latin Mass and the change of heart that comes with that.  So to hear all the "Hello, how are you?" and to see all the hugs and greetings going on before the ceremony always depresses me a little.  And it shouldn't, it wasn't a Mass, and everyone was truly enjoying themselves.  I was, as usual the only miserable one there (well, maybe H too).  No matter, it's only me.  I think one reason for my selfishness is because I don't get to spend much extra time in church, so when I do get the chance I like it to be quiet for a while.  Again, it's only me and I'm whining again.  I don't know if I could write a blog and not whine.  But I'll try to not whine much, I promise.  These are all tremendous faults, and in the quietness at the end of the day I agonize over them and lately I've come to see that in all the complications of living a life called by God to follow His Son that in a way it's all right there before us, simply put by God through His Son, for us to see.  The problem; our worldly selves get in the way and we slip often from the God-centric life to man-centric life, the way of the world.  As a Franciscan I'm called to live just this life, in both worlds, and it is hard.  No amount of simplifying makes it, this life, any easier.  But I've become this way and I'm thankful to Him for it.  He has brought me along to this point in life for I don't know why.  It is not for me to question God.  I will accept all his actions, and I will try to love them also.  But at times I"m made aware of how hard it is to live a Franciscan life without the support of a fraternity, a community.  Oh blessed are those men and women who surrounded us last night!  In one way, in my way of thinking, their life is perhaps less lonely in only by being able to live together in a community, which is their family, their support group.  H and I are more or less out on our own, living a mostly solitary Franciscan life, but also a very Traditional Catholic life.  We live the Rule of 1221, which requires us to stay in this world and not to leave it, to live really with a foot balancing us in both worlds, with more leaning towards the abandonment of World.  We do come together formally once a month but right now it is a fledgling group, with two of the five of us in discernment with myself our pitiful leader, trying to inspire and lead.  I find myself praying about this place He has put me in often, because I do not at all understand God's ways.  I pray for guidance and strength to be a good leader, but I just don't know.  Again, in the bitter-sweetness of last night I know the spirit of Francis lingered, and I felt a common purpose in our all being there, in our being Franciscan.  The call to follow Christ is unbelievably strong, and I'm dumb-founded that the world cannot hear His Voice.

Is this just me?

Oh, Mother of sorrows,

I call to you again.

Guide me and comfort me,

for I am lost.

The Narrow Way is dark

most times, and the trials are many,

pure joy few.

Help me through with grace

un-earned,

to see, to follow

the Light of the Son.

What His weather brings...

We're hunkered down here in CT, waiting on the wind and the line of thunderstorms that are aimed this way.  I'm sure the power will go out soon, it always does lately when the weather storms.  No matter.  I have good holy candles ready to go, my books are at hand and my rosary waits.  God is good in all that He does, be it weather, joy, sadness, ill health, whatever.  I'm at the point right now anyway, that the secular world can just go away, I don't care what happens to it.  As a human race the things we say and do, here and around the globe is deeply disturbing.  The people who do not fear God are so numerous and their actions so, so, I can't even find an appropriate word to use here.  I wish I could just say I don't understand it all and be content with that, then I could just ignore the world and stay in my own little shell.  I'm trying to stay in my shell, but I just can't seem to ignore the world.  It's just that as the years go by, as I do not reject God but try to embrace Him, more and more I'm able to see the hand of satan in all of this.  It is satan against God, as clear as day.  Evil running rampant and the Good just waiting, quietly.  We are here, Lord, and I know You hear us but perhaps the test is on, I don't know.  It's impossible to say, but we who are watching see the hand of darkness as he pushes forward more and more.  And You, God?  I will not question God.  I will fear the Lord, my God, and hope for wisdom.
  Wisdom.  Give me wisdom!  Please, Lord just a thimble full of spiritual wisdom, to quench my appetite for you, you whom I crave.  At times I feel as if I've not gone anywhere on this road, or I walked a circle and returned to the beginning of myself.  It's not that I have, but my longing is still so there, so very strong that it is unquenchable.  We have just recently began teaching CCD at our parish, H 1st grade and me 7th.  I have never taught anyone anything in my whole life.  I have not a clue as to what I am doing.  Just follow the book.  Ok.  Unfortunately there is no way to get all the lessons for one Sunday into 50 minutes.  Especially when I veer off to incorporate my own ideas. (Yikes!)  After only two classes I can see that there is always room for good Catholic Tradition, and I love to give that to them.  I only have 5 youths, but that is enough for me.  Each time I go I'm scared to death, but I feel so good after, even though I have no idea if anyone learned anything or not.  But God is good, in season and out of season, when I'm making sense and when I'm not.  He even gave me words to share this stormy evening.  And occasional wisdom to share with the kids.

  The line of storms is almost here, so I'll finish this up.  Lord, watch over the homeless tonight, and all the men and women who must go out to assist our fellow man.  And stay close to me tonight, our Saviour Jesus, as I speak with our Mother through the Rosary.  

May god give us His rest. 

Immaculate Heart of Mary

Blessed Mother,
I'm trying to keep you front and center, a little more often today
than usual.
Your Immaculate Heart
is surely bleeding for us now, more than ever. 
Have we listened and acted on your words
past and present?
I think not. 
Hear us as we pray
and place our gifts before the Father.

Hail Mary, full of grace...

Chapel, 5-7pm

It is so easy to fall into 'bad habits'.  What started as having a selection of music (Pandora) to having a better selection of music (Spotify), just wanting to have some chant and Sacred Music for easy access on the internet has turned into a music hoarding frenzy, with me finding music and artists from long ago and adding them to the Spotify playlist.  Not something I should be doing, wasting (yes, wasting!) time downloading all those old albums that pop into my head, making a list, etc, you know how it works.  Not really the thing I should be doing anytime.  And then I get a song stuck in my head, which is the worst.  All flow with God is gone.  My attempt at having 'one long prayer with God' is gone.  "Rose Darling" by Steely Dan.  A catchy tune for sure but with lyrics that now I find completely un-agreeable, although 30 something years ago I don't think I thought about those lyrics much.  Now, in this time of my life I do not need nor want the distraction.  Still, it only takes but a moment, and the desire for just a simple trip down memory lane can escalate into desires of the flesh that have no good in them. 

The desire of the wicked leads to doom.  How many times have I read that in the Liturgy of the Hours?  One need not necessarily be wicked to be lead to doom.  We strive and then we are set back, and sometimes we don't even know we have fallen.  St. Francis said something like 'The devil will pursue a soul forever, all he needs is a crack the size of a hair.'  It is impossible to keep satan out for it seems at times that we (me) offer him fistfuls of hair.  In this world, unless we are almost completely sheltered (cloistered) we are prone to the rage of the ocean, to be tossed by the waves.  Who can survive?  None, if we give in, give up. 

 

  Adoration, for me, as I've said before, is two hours, 5-7pm.  Our Lord pulls no punches with me, I really never know what to expect as I kneel before Him.  For many months the long stay with Him was troubled, for the peace that I thought I should find as He gazed at me was never there.  I felt at times that I'd walked up to a dark wall and stood, not being able to go any farther, not realizing that the wall I thought was the Face of God was really my own face.  I'd put myself, my pride, my thoughts of control between me and my God.  

  Prayer and reflection bring about these changes, the Holy Spirit, who hears us call, brings about these changes.  Our Virgin Mother's intercession helps bring about these changes, this tearing down of the wall of self that hinders our journey to God. 

           Salvation is only through the Cross,

 the Cross held firmly in our hands,

held tight with the arms

of our heart.

His world

Everything is a gift from the Lord
                                              Everything.
It is in the love for Him that I must diminish self, for self is of this world and not of His.

Sometimes its these simple truths I've forgotten, or perhaps never knew.  So many thoughts come rushing back to me, ideas made known and then forgotten. 

Why do I drift from His world to this so often?  

Why can't I stay rooted in His world? 

My miserable all...

I am kneeling at the kneeler here at the Adoration Chapel, very near our Lord.  I estimate He's about 5 feet away.  I am not worthy to be here, for so long a time, 2 hours.  I'm trying not to sit, but I know my legs won't make it.  I have the 5-7pm hours and the more Iv'e prayed about it and talked with others, perhaps returning to adore our Lord  every week at the same time is not necessarily a good thing.  Am I getting too used to coming here and has the whole Adoration for 2 hours become 'too common'?  For me, I think it has.  To be in front of God, it's just too overwhelming.  How can I act with reverence, week after week.  I know Pope Benedict has encouraged us to go to Adoration, but did he necessarily mean to open more 24 hour Adoration chapels, or just to attend a Holy Hour when one is given?  I love being in front of The Blessed Sacrament, but I feel that for two hours I cannot give our Lord, God, His due.  I am at odds with myself about this.  I refuse to allow God to just become another obligation in my day.  God is all, and He deserves my miserable all.

The Lord draws all men...

  I'm in a place that I've never been.  I am not a leader, but a true follower, but now here I am; leading a group of men and women who are striving to become Third Order Franciscans.  I will not ask 'Why me?'  I refuse to ask.  I will ask Him 'How', though.  How do I bring the best spirit of Francis to the group?  How do I keep it fresh?  We are going backward in time, into somewhat, for us, uncharted territory.  This coming Monday will be our first meeting and I'm not prepared.  The members are committed to following the old Roman Breviary instead of the Liturgy of the Hours.  We don't really have one!  My copy, purchased on E-Bay is still in the mail.  A reproduction of the original is $295.00.  We've decided to, when called for during the meeting, when praying the Our Father and the Hail Mary to recite them in Latin.  I will learn them both in the tongue of the Church.  Lord, You've given me a full plate, and I hope to fulfill Your every wish.  I know this is You, Lord, working in and through me.  The Lord draws all men to Him!  I can feel you drawing me to you through these difficult challenges you put before me.  How can I resist this life, Lord?  I would be worthless if I did. 

Reflection...

For more than a month now we've had a young Haitian girl (9 years old) named Jodelin staying with us, along with a nun, Sr. Cadet, also from Haiti.  Jodeline lost her leg below the knee in the earthquake, and she's here to receive a new prosthesis from the Children's Hospital.  There is so much to say about having them here for the last month, but the experience is still too real, too close to me right now to write about it in any detail.  For me, it's the New Testament come to life.  It's my Franciscan calling being lived out everyday, right here, in my home.  H has been bringing them to all the doctor's appointments while I've been at work.  Monday Jodeline gets her real prosthesis and then she is done, they'll be ready to return to Haiti.  I've only now been able to bring myself to write only this much about this experience, which God has graced us with.  He knows all of our weaknesses and uses them to give others strength.  I was and still am the most unworthy of vessels for this job, but I have seen the face of Our Lord so often that my whole way of thinking has been turned around.  Words without actions are worthless.  Into my world that I thought I knew stepped three women who showed me the meaning of love and action; Helen, Sr. Cadet and of course, Jodeline.

A different path...

After many months of prayer, prayer which came to me in many different forms and from many varied places H and I have decided to  take a slightly different yet parallel road on our journey to Heaven.  Our Lord called us to join the Secular Franciscan Order many years ago, and now He calls again, directing us to the path of Third Order Franciscans.  The reasons are too many to post; God draws us to Him and we respond, most times in ways we would never imagine.  In discerning this new path I have tried to humble myself in my thoughts and actions to the utmost of what I can know, meaning, I have tried to give everything over to Our Lord through Our Blessed Virgin Mother.  I am nothing, and in that nothingness I garner my strength.  When I think, even abstractly, that I am in charge, in charge without knowing I call it, when the will takes over my thinking, instead of letting the soul do the work, I become terrified.  I cannot do this, I cannot start a chapter.  Yes, not only to become TOF, but to start a chapter here at our parish.  Tomorrow, the 23rd, we'll be having a 'Meeting of Inquiry', just a small get together to see who might be interested in what we are doing.  Many people have inquired to us about the Third Order, knowing we are Franciscans, and if we could provide information to them.  The desire is there, in people we know.  I believe the Latin Mass has brought this idea of a Third Order into the beginnings of a birth, of sorts.  Pray for us as we begin again down the to Our God, following in the footsteps of Jesus, holding the hand of Francis.

Week One

Who was there, Lord,
in that first week of Lent?
When I, at the prayer service,
(not even a Mass)
listened, dissapointed, (in myself)
as a deacon spoke of you.
I hope he was a deacon but it was not my church
and I did not know the man.
Who was there?
Was I, as I went away angry, for not having been satisfied,
not fulfilled?


I had forgotten about the desert.


My Lents have always been filled with someone elses dreams,
of stories of such spiritual times
of joy, of trials.
Mine were mostly nothing to rejoice about,
to tell ones friends about.
Again, I'd missed the point.


I had forgotten
the silence of the silence.


The silence that enwraps you at times you don't expect,
like when that passage from the Bible strikes a chord.
As this past Thursday evening when at Adoration
one hour slipped to two...

...and the slow re-dawn of silence.

The Fount of Grace

Oh God,
so hollow is my cry to you
yet you hear, for no reason than
out of love
for me.

  The statue of the Blessed Virgin rests to the side of the small Latin Mass altar.  She is on the globe and her bare foot is standing on the neck of the serpent, right behind his head.  His head is raised up, mouth wide, fangs dull white in the quiet light of the church.  The master of lies has been slithering through the lives of men since ancient times, since being swept away, since failing the test.  Look around.  What times are these that we live in, where does not satan show his vile head?  He is in our neighborhoods, in our government and even in our churches.  Does he believe it is time for him to really raise his head, to come in for the kill?
  All graces flow through  Mary, our Mother.  We must go to Her now more than ever before.  Satan knows that too, more than anyone, and will confuse us in every way to make us think that She is irrelevant, that God is gone, Jesus is no more...
  The dark one's final destination is Mary, who waits for the word from God to finish this epic battle. It is the ages old battle for souls, and the devil's hatred of God drives him to destroy us, since he cannot touch God.  For us, it is our souls that are at stake, and always has been. 

For even with my sandals on
trodding through deep snow
and my hood pulled up
to focus thoughts
still
the mind will wander
where only darkness waits.
And ideas that are blown like dust,
left behind when morning comes,
 prayers and strength
return
to lead me to the Fount of Grace.

Week 1

WEEK I

SUNDAY

Evening Prayer I

Ant. 1  Like burning incense, Lord, let my prayer rise

           up to you.

Such beautiful words, and coming (or beginning) where they are, front and center at the start of The Four-Week Psalter.  I don't analyze the Office much, H and I just do them, and it's enough to just let the readings and psalms sink into the fiber and be there, to swim just beneath the surface all day.  Some days the readings are read and they go, fading from sight and mind like an old conversation, while other days the voice of the Apostle will stay with me all day, pointing out my faults and reminding me of things I don't even know.  Lately, maybe because I've added Mid-Day prayer to my lunch half-hour the feel of the whole reading seems to be of caution,of wariness and do not fall!  Guidance, always guidance.  6 months from now I'll probably feel much different, Maybe then, the theme will be one of rejoicing, but I doubt it.  The darkness of the world is only becoming more prevalent, I'm afraid, and our God seems only more than content in letting His plan run it's course.  No matter.  Whoever has ears ought to hear.   Ant. 2  You are my refuge, Lord; you are all that I desire in life.  For me a summing up of where I try to stand, but usually am not.  Where is that Ant. at 9:45am at a busy day at work?  Usually far from my mind.  Those are precisely the times we should remember them, but, at the same time, if we forget, we must let God take over, consciously or unconsciously, and let Him guide us, whether we know it or not.  I only know if this has happened when, at the end of the day, during my examination of conscience God gives me the grace to see His work in the day that has passed, to see the good (if any!) and the bad.  In the silence of silence He speaks, showing us, bending our will to His ways. 

...in prayer

 Trust.  This one word has seemingly filled my head since this past Sundays' Latin Mass gospel reading.  Matthew 8, 23-27.  Good, experienced fisherman all, and still they were terrified. Lord, save us, we perish.  We perish.  Am I perishing now?  I might be.  All my trust is in God, but after this gospel reading and the realization of how much God is asking of us, I don't know anymore.  Lord, save us.  Peter, James, John, they had Jesus right there with them, teaching them, opening their eyes; we, 2,000 plus years later, centuries of examples of tremendous trust by ordinary people and Saints, and we/I still am trying to go it alone.  
 
In my weakness, Lord, I cry out to you.

Not a voice that is heard, but a silent cry that wells up in bitterness, a bitterness in knowing that I have not done enough, have not tried hard enough to let go of this world I've vowed to let go of, to embrace Him who is asleep in the stern of my life, watching over me, and I almost ignore Him.  
  Why are you fearful, O ye of little faith? 
I'm fearful because I've not given everything over to Him.  I'm fearful that I'm fooling myself, in my so-called humbleness I'm actually just, smug.  I am still tossed constantly, as soon as the next squall comes up.  Will it take a million years for me to figure this out?  Probably.  As long as a part of me thinks above the slug-like existence that I know I am, I will not be at rest.  Always filled with uneasiness, I advance through the day.  Again, it is a realization that I must meet head-on, head-on, in prayer. 

O Lord,
help me to let go
of my firm grip
on this world,
and help me
to wrench the hands
from my soul,
that slow my journey
to You.

January

I haven't written much lately, for no reason other than I've nothing to say that basically hasn't been said.  There are so many bloggers, posters etc., out there, people who say things much better than I can that I just feel  posting for posting's sake is not for me.  That's not to say I don't keep up with my favorite sites; I do, and love what you all say, everyday.  If it weren't for the dyed in the wool, hard-core faithful, holding our Church together by example and prayer I can only imagine where we'd be.  The Traditions of the Church and it's teachings are under fire constantly, with the sole intent of bringing down our Mother Church.  Outside of our immediate family I don't know what we can do, really, other than to lead by example and keep the traditions alive.

You are the light of the world.

A city seated on a mountain cannot be hid.

Neither do men light a candle and put it

under a bushel but upon a candlestick,

that it may shine to all

that are in the house.  (Matthew 5)

That's from today's Gospel reading from the Traditional Latin Mass.  I can only get there on Saturday mornings and Sunday at 12:00 noon and that's not enough, I know, but that's all the Masses I can make.  Someday, if it's in His plan, I'll be able to go on the days when the TLM is available.  Right now I'm where He wants me, which is still working for my bread.  But even though He has left me there I will not be sad, will not put on the long face.  I'm there to do His will, which is to love.  To love.  So hard!  My fellow man, my co-workers!  Yeow!  But I do try, every day, although I fail at times quite miserably.  But it's funny; by all my failures the Cross becomes much clearer, the path to and from the Cross at times almost materializes before my eyes.  I call it the slow-down, the small gift of grace from God when He lets you see or feel the result of your action as He wants you to, not as you or the world sees it.  For me it's never anything major, just a change in thought, it seems, just a new realization.  I don't know, I get lost in words, sometimes, lost where there are no words to say.  Move on, k, move on from this and let Him work.

  Maybe, to sum up, it's for me, a matter of Him drawing and me reaching.  Sounds simple, uh?  Heck no! For the Holy Spirit, perhaps, but for me, no.  I reach now from a place so different than before.  We've peeled away the outer skin, stripping away the excess.  No more cable t.v.  A big one, that.  Not just not watching the television, but turning the cable off completely.  We are surviving, and quite well, thank you.  No newspaper delivery.  All these things, for us, just became obstructions to God.  We (H and myself) needed more silence in our lives, and less distractions and all has gone well.  We are also back in formation again, pursuing the call of the Third Order Franciscans.  St. Francis' Rule of 1221 for the Third Order is just too sweet to not taste.  God is so very, very good.  He levels the road ahead for you, just so you can carry the Cross further for His Son.  Blessed Virgin Mary and all the Saints, stay with me on the road, prop me up as I try to prop up, in my own sloppy way, my brothers and sisters here on earth.