I've been trying to write this all day but never found the time. Here we are on the eve of Holy Thursday and I have the same unfinished feeling I had last year; All of Lent has come and gone (well, almost gone) and I don't know if I'm any closer to my imaginary pre-Lent goal now as I was when Lent began. Last year and this year my hope was to slow my life, well, not my secular life, (I've almost given up on slowing that down,) but my spiritual life, that's what I really intended to do. The thing is, more spiritual stuff goes on during these 40 days than usual, more gatherings for Evening Prayer, an extra Mass during the week, Stations, Choir rehearsals, so by the time the weekend is here one is worn out from just the commuting. I'm not complaining but I know I am. I love the 2 nights a week for Evening Prayer, the extra Mass, I love all of it! It's just that at times I feel it might be too much, too much being offered. During confession last week Fr. D. said to find more quiet time to listen to the Lord. I haven't found that time yet, and although I try to stay in constant prayer it's very hard to do at work. Even as I type I listen, but I know I'm not there, my deepness is not deep enough. At times God seems so elusive, and in the quiet moments all I seem to hear is the hum of the world. I'm thinking that in this hum is where I'll catch a glimpse of Him, feel Him as he reaches down with finger or utters inside me a single word. Oh, God, I yearn for that moment! At times in this cushy life the daily world rails against me but I know I'm so much better off than most. But at times the desert stretches out forever, and they do pluck my beard. I try to be like Paul, someone for everyone but that pulls me so thin, and I can only stretch so far.
In these next few days I'm hoping to find some of that quiet time I crave, to be with you, Lord, during these most Holy of Days. Let us all pray for that slowing down, that time to deepen our knowledge of the Mysteries of Our Lord and God.