I haven't posted in awhile, for many reasons, none of which are important. The spiritual world of Our Father, the life we are called to live on this earth has been slowly, ever so slowly, filling in the dark places that I've lived in for so many years. The more we let Him into our lives, let Him in and give ourselves over to Him... the more our eyes will be opened.
This Advent has been much different than others, but isn't that always the case? Each year seems to bring about changes unforeseen, leaving us always one step behind. At least that's the way it is with me. I always have some idea about tomorrow, or the day after, but it's never like I planned when it arrives. One case in point; Tuesday evening our K of C council had our Christmas Social, (in old-fashioned terms, Christmas party). We invite the Ladies Guild, Catholic Daughters, the Friars, nuns, widows, you name it. Last year was not a good turnout, and since hardly anyone got back to me (1 person did) concerning what to bring, I expected the worst. When we emerged from our very short meeting, the Hall was filled with more than 50 people, and their was enough food for many more than that. Everyone thanked me for having such a great 'event'. I didn't do anything! He did it all! He did it all because he is in charge, he directs me because I've learned to let Him lead me, as I should. But with this new found docility that I've been granted the grace to understand, this pliability to mold me to understand, comes with it the narrow gate, the very narrow gate that leads to His Door. Oh God, my God, at times I wonder how I ever got this far along in my miserable life! You were in charge even then, although I had no idea. You waited for me, Lord, you waited and then you sent your Mother to open the door. And now I find myself waiting for you, O Son of Man, waiting in that deep silence of Advent that you've put me in this year. 'Reflect on the mysteries of the Rosary,' people tell me. In the darkness of these unusually cold late fall nights, in my contemplations I realize that I've never really entered into these ancient mysteries at all, only spoke about them and recited them by rote. And the mystery of Joseph, his call from God and his complete strength and obedience to those calls. Lord, how I wish I were more to my family as your foster father was to you and your Mother! My worries and fears paralyze me at times, and I yearn now to hear you voice say to me Pick up your mat, and walk. I am trying, Lord, even though they may be baby steps.
This Sunday, the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, I will be re-consecrating myself to Our Blessed Virgin Mother. I am in the baby step age group with this also, this being my third re-consecration. I'll be attending 12:00 Noon Latin High Mass with a Rosary procession to follow honoring our B.V.M., followed by a guest speaker who will speak on her 30 years in the war against abortion. Being Sunday, I will give myself over all my activities completely to Him. What better way to spend the Lord's Day?
It's getting late, and I've been up since 4:00 am. The house is cold, the kids are gone, H is asleep. Night prayer calls, and perhaps that last Rosary after that. To my left is My Ideal Jesus Son of Mary, which I'm only 2/3 of the way through. In the back it has a page or two for re-consecrating, but I always read the entire book. Even though I say a small prayer to Her every morning, it's not the same as this one special day. To give back to Her in some small way for what she did for us so long ago, and for what she still does now. The inspired words of My Ideal Jesus challenge me, and help keep me on the narrow road.
The clock ticks on. Downstairs, I know that last log is pretty much gone, and in front of the hearth I'll make my nights' last stand. For me, the late evening is a good time to contemplate the Blessed Ones, The Holy Trinity, Mary, and all the Saints. For in this darkness of night, Lord, you help me see Light.