Sunday, December 26, 2010

...now I must give all to Him.

   I could say I've finally found the time to blog, but in reality I could have posted here if I'd really felt the urge, but the words weren't there, and they still aren't, really, but I find that if I don't put out there what I feel inside then it gets bottled up and hidden, hidden by myself from myself at times, so I guess one could say this is therapeutic.  I have been posting on my other blogs, Oremus and The Narrow Gate, but none of the words on those are my words.  Oremus I use to post prayers and other spiritual pieces that I come across, and The Narrow Gate is writings from a book I'm reading, a friends book.  We go through life meeting people, some come and go, some make impressions, some not.  And some will change your way of thinking forever.  And so became The Narrow Gate.
   I love the Advent Season, I really do, and I love Christmas.  That said, it seems no matter how hard I try to keep Advent 'pure', meaning to me a four weeks of just living my life more in the anticipation of Our Lord's Coming, I let issues get to me just enough so that, by the time the 24th arrives, I'm disappointed in myself.  Nothing major, just that so much happens in the month of December as to distract me just enough so that I end up feeling that I've given Our yet Unborn Lord not what he deserves in my time contemplating Him.  For in contemplation is prayer, me speaking to God.  All just irreverent selfishness, I know, but I still feel sad.  I've come to see that it's almost an impossibility for me to reach even the path that I truly long for, never mind even the goal.  The life I lived before is ingrained so deep into me, the cleansing will take the rest of my life here on earth, whether that be one more day or fifty more years.  
And I'm not even counting purgatory...
   To give to God 100% of your life.  I used to think I understood what that meant.  I used to think I understood what to die to self meant. I think I know, but can I do it?  Can I do it everyday, every second, for the rest of my life?  I don't know.  I know I will try, and I must believe, I MUST believe that God will give me the graces every time I fall.  Every time I don't understand my brother or my sister in the world, and I begin to judge and not love.  Love thy Neighbor.  Only three words, but in those three words the command of Jesus lies.  Love thy Neighbor.  Jesus knew that those words hold the key to everything, but can I, us, the whole human race live those three words?  I can't even live them all the time.  Yet He calls us to do just that.  God even became like us to help show us, but do we follow, do we look?  
Do we love?
   Sometimes only in convenience I love, because loving my neighbor is hard, at times.  At work it is always hard.  So many people are so different from me that...
What a sorry excuse.  Yet in that small place in my mind, at times that thought erupts, and I hesitate.  I hesitate and He lets me know, He lets all of us know with the inner voice of Him that only we can hear.  Oh, Lord, to be able to be guided by that voice, to let my heart follow Yours, as You long for me to do.  I've tried to let the Silence of Advent guide me these last few weeks.  I don't know how well of a job I've done. Last Thursday, the 23rd, I spent two hours in Adoration and was blessed with graces from Him that I did not deserve but He gave anyway, for no reason other than Love.  Talk about mysteries.  To me, all of God is a mystery.  The mystery of His love for us.  How can it be?  I think it's time for a Rosary.  The wind is blowing and the snow is flying.  The short afternoon is slipping away towards the darkening night.  The Mystery of His Birth looms large before me, a comfort.  His love for us has arrived.  He has given to us, now I must give all to Him.

4 comments:

shadowlands said...

For me, the key, is to remain willing. All I can offer to God, is my will, for Him to re-mould and re-shape. I can keep on offering this, despite my failures, which are many.

Chuck the towel in, leave it all to God. That, in itself, is my mammoth task!

Happy St Stephen's day, btw. Keep smiling!!

Do Not Be Anxious said...

I love you, kam. If you are not growing in holiness, then I don't know anyone who is. So many people talk or write as if they are, they talk so casually about it. But you write with passion and state all the work involved, and IT IS work!
I'm reading a book which states all that growing in holiness is summarized in doing two things: Doing to God and others as we believe God intended us to do, and demonstrated in the Scriptures, and accepting that others are doing to us as God intends them to do, and it is all part of His plan. All the good, and all the bad that happens to us, to accept that as all part of his plan.
How simple! Yeh, simple. Sure. No it's hard work, because there is one complicated, difficult, stubborn piece in that equation: me.
I'm glad you see the difficulty also, kam. It's nice having a friend along for the journey.

the booklady said...

DNBA writes exactly what I would say were I so eloquent! I see your struggles in your words friend. Maybe I see them because I engage in them as well. I so look forward to each new year, Liturgical as well as calendar as a fresh opportunity to begin again. 'I'm going to be better this time LORD!' I tell Him eagerly. I can just imagine Him smiling at me as a Loving Father watching on. I even see myself as I used to watch my girls when they would call out, "Look at ME, Mommy!" before they would jump off the swing for 999th time in a row. To all outward appearances each time was exactly the same as all the other times. But what mattered wasn't so much how it looked as their persistence, their effort, their desire to do well and have me witness their dedication to the goal.

God sees your persistence, your efforts and your desire to do your best. THAT is what pleases Him. That and the underlying love which motivates all you are doing in His service.

May you be richly blessed with His Graces in the upcoming year!

kam said...

Thank you all, my friends, for your comments. You are all way too generous. As He reveals more to me as a result of His grace, the road beyond 50 gets narrower, the gate further away, clear thought at times obscured by clouds. What 2011 will bring to me is no matter . As long as I'm able to not offend God too much, I guess that's all I can hope for.