Once Friday comes I always breath a big sigh of relief; not because of anything I did, but because I know left to myself I'd never be able to hang in there for 52 hours a week, 50 weeks a year. Talk about being picked up and helped along! Whatever happens during the week always seems to be overshadowed by my working job. Anything spiritual always seems to be done only halfway, before sleep overcomes me. I'm not complaining! I'm so very lucky to even have a job, never mind one that provides me with overtime. I see the terrible situation many people are in. Some very good friends of ours are not doing the best financially, and I can see the effects of this strain on their family. As Seculars H and I know how we're supposed to treat this material world, but I think it's easier to despise money when all your bills are mostly paid, even if one is living paycheck to paycheck. I've never been truly penniless, though in my heart I really do want to chuck this whole 9-5 routine, sell the house, rent a small room... but that's just one part of me speaking, and I'm not sure, really which part of me that is. Like I said, everything is easier with a roof over your head. Much to think about in these troubled times when it comes to money.
I try to not think about money much. I really don't see too much of it; direct deposit and H takes care of the check book. I don't take an allowance, so this I go for weeks at times without any money in my wallet. I don't need much walking around money it seems. I bring my coffee with me, get gas once a week with a debit card, that's about it. All of this frees me to live my life as Franciscan as I can be, in this secular world. Living as Franciscan as I can is a process that for me began as an idea of a way of life to actually living it. I know that sounds simplistic, and it is, in a way, but only by the grace of God has this been allowed to happen. Nothing happens on it's own; God is behind it all. I was thinking today about my life many years ago, 30 plus years ago, and how I was so very far from God in my thoughts and actions. God allowing his child use of free will, which turned out to be free will gone wild. Where is God in one's life then? Silent? No, He's never really silent, we just choose not to hear Him. He must just take a few steps back and wait. Perhaps He was just... I don't know. I can't possibly know what He was thinking about me. In the end, in my darkest hour, He pulled me back, pulled me back up onto my feet and sent me on my way, in a new direction. Maybe He said something to me, quietly, in His silent voice. Did He? I don't know that, either. I think He just pointed me in the direction of His Path and my guardian angel began to whisper Seek His Face, over and over at different times. No split-second epiphany for me, just a long walk, mostly one step forward, two back. Only now does the Path seem fairly stable. I try to keep Him before me all day long, really before me, not in the background. All the rest of the world seems to fall into step behind Him when I think like that, just the way it should.
Tomorrow I'm finally going to confession, the first time in about two months. I know that sounds crazy, but I've had a real problem either getting to the heart of the matter in confession or dealing with myself before, during and after confession. Confused? I am. The problem is I never feel like I've done a good confession. Problems arise in the confessional; I forget things, I talk too much, I don't talk enough. All week I've been dealing with this in my head, and I think tomorrow I'm going to go back to having my confession heard behind the screen instead of face to face. I have this feeling that in the face to face confession, especially knowing the priest personally I really can't free myself to say what has to be said. I'm hoping that the screen will do just that; act as a screen between me and Father.
Oh gosh, there was so much more I had to say but that was hours ago. Night is upon us, and sleep calls. First Friday. The spirit and souls of the just are perhaps a bit more evident on this night, at least I like to think so. First Friday means Nocturnal Adoration, and for us, rising at 3:30 am to be at All Saints Church for 4:00. Blessed Jesus, I wouldn't have it any other way.
my words pour forth
from my lips
but are they always from my heart?
Is Your Name
ever on my tongue?
Oh Lord, my God
help me to ever
Seek Your Face,
to never turn my inner eye
to for ever hear Your Voice.