Friday, January 22, 2010

A regret...ending in joy!

As you all know, today is the March For Life in Washington D.C. I was supposed to be there this year but I'm not. I'm behind my desk at work. Up until a couple of weeks ago my name was still penciled in on the calender in the inspection room, 'keith' written in black erasable marker. But then the doubts set in, and the first couple of weeks after the holidays found my paychecks pretty thin due to shortened work weeks and a little extra spending. So I thought twice, even three times about going, and came to the conclusion that I should pass it up, 'Hay when the sunshine's' now that we're back on our usual work hours, and try to get us back in the black a bit and catch up on bills. In hindsight (the best vision!) I see now who turned me, who brought those doubts into my head; the master of lies himself, satan. I should have known, should have seen it coming, but I think he struck when I was weak, he knew to strike then because of my feelings of sorry for myself for my lot in life. I learned a lesson from all this, well, not really learned, it was always there, but sometimes the weight of worldly troubles gets the best of me, which it did in the weeks after Christmas (why then, it's a joyous time!) and the father of lies found a way in and spoke. We're told to be on guard all the time, constantly, because "satan is out there, prowling like a lion".

So now I sit behind my desk, and write to you. But not in tears.

Yesterday at Holy Hour, 5-6pm for me, after my stumbling bit of internal yakking to Him, and after the Rosary, and in the middle of a prayer or a plea, the words "Go deeper" silenced me. Out of nowhere, He spoke. And in me, like with the spirit in David, a rush. And then the words "Do not be lukewarm". I was stunned. Stunned then, and still am now. He will hear your plea. He heard my agony over letting slip by the chance to March for Life, to be in solidarity with my brothers and sisters to protest the horrors of abortion. He heard my cries and in His way gave me comfort, and guidance. Go deeper. Do not be lukewarm. St. Teresa of Avila says that when God speaks to you your soul will know, and you will never forget, the words will stay fresh forever. Since hearing those words yesterday, in reflection and prayer I believe He opened another door, and He's standing there, one arm holding it open, His other arm beckoning to me, calling me, "This way!". I know now to never listen to those doubts, be on guard at all times, stand firm in our faith. I hope I'm up to the challenge, but only God has that answer. Where He wants me to go I have no idea where that will lead me.

But I'm here to follow.


Daily Grace said...

The words "Go deeper" hit me as I read your post.Maybe they were meant for us readers as well.
We have had a serious issue surface in our family life right after the joyous Christmas season, and the lies of the evil one have been wearing us down.But "Go deeper" and "Do not be lukewarm" says to me to trust and step out of myself...go the extra mile.
Thank you for sharing your faith , it strengthens us all.

Anne said...

Last spring I was wrestling with what it was that God may be asking me to do. I was trying to decide if I should consider entering a religious order as a lay member. When I spoke to my spiritual director about it, he said "You're always looking into what other people are doing and wondering about different orders and different ways to God. Why don't you just "go deeper" into who you already are."

Love this post. I needed that reminder once again that all God ever asks of me is to be myself. Daily Grace is right, maybe this post was meant for all of us.

Thank you so much for writing this. It has profound value and resonates deeply within me.