Tuesday, September 07, 2010

What was I thinking?

Last Friday we spent the afternoon 'wooding', which is going out into the CT countryside, looking for wood. We don't have to look far. A small micro burst back in June knocked down many trees on Helen's mother's old farm, so we're cleaning up the property and getting free wood. I've been cutting wood with a chainsaw for the last 25 years, but Friday I committed a rookie blunder; I poured the bar oil in the gas tank and the gas where the bar oil goes. I was just finishing pouring the bar oil in when I realized my mistake. First, I swore. Loud. then I dumped the contents of both onto the ground! My second mistake. Then I kept swearing, kicking myself and beating myself up. Helen was sitting on the back of our Rav4 praying a Rosary. As I ranted louder, the Rosary grew louder. At times, I'm as pathetic as they come. These are the issues that get in my way, really send me off the path. I dwelt on my actions for hours after, and they still bother me almost a week later. Not that I did something stupid, but the way I acted after. I know what I'm to do now, to ask God for forgiveness and move on. The damage is done, and I'm sure I'll have to pay for it in the afterlife.
So this leaves me thinking; where is my Franciscan life when I'm pouring oil and gas on the ground? How is my decision to lead a life following Jesus, in a way a monk himself, set back and damaged every time a bump in the road occurs, leaving my desire to live a monk-like life in this urban world reeling? Our Lord keeps giving me these tests, (not a good word!) these events in my life, for what, to slow me down? That's what my family thinks, that God wants me to not cram so much stuff into one day, and they're right. Part of my problem is I set things up in my mind (I'm in control, see!), unconsciously even, but I do and when any deviation occurs bang! I become annoyed. I know what I have to do but most times I feel so far from knowing how to do it that in my mind, in the end, it's like nothing has been done at all. These miss-steps in my life are my failings, yet these are what Jesus wants from me! Our insecurities, our angers, our big ideas of ourselves, I could go on and on about myself. These are gifts we can give to God, to Jesus. I think I've come such a long way spiritually (ego!) but I'm nowhere, really. At times all I think I'm giving is lip service. My humbleness and humility gets pushed aside in this world way too easily at times. I will pray for the grace to see the strength the Lord gives me everyday, to see Him in my co-workers, to hear Him speaking to me as I read Scripture and sacred writings. I have such a long long way to go, but even as I finish this I'm feeling better. I'll try to not erect any more walls between me and You, O God of All. I thank M at The Mercy Blog and B at Barefoot toward the Light for they're great posts that allowed me to open myself to His Word today. And H whose love is all. Peace!
Blessed Virgin Mother,
You are always with me
even when my eyes are closed
to your love.
Take my hand and lead me
to your Son,
help focus my gaze on the Light
of Your world,
and not on the darkness of mine.

9 comments:

Anne said...

KAM,

last year my husband was adding power steering fluid to my van (it had a leak and was always running low.) He did it in the dimly lit garage at night. By mistake, he poured the fluid into the brake line instead of the steering. As soon as he realized what he did, he swore too, in fact, my boys who were with him said it was the only time they ever heard him swear like that.

That mistake cost us our brakes-they were a total loss and it was over a thousand dollars to repair them, but thankfully nobody was hurt when the brakes went out.

I hope this helps you feel better. I like how you worked through all of your feelings with your words in this post. I'm sure that pleased God as well!

KAM said...

Thanks, Anne, for your input. I know things like this happen but it's still no excuse for our actions. I finally got the chainsaw running, after a lot blue smoke and pulling, pulling, pulling on the rope! Sorry about your car!

shadowlands said...

"So this leaves me thinking; where is my Franciscan life when I'm pouring oil and gas on the ground? How is my decision to lead a life following Jesus, in a way a monk himself, set back and damaged every time a bump in the road occurs, leaving my desire to live a monk-like life in this urban world reeling?"

Let's just say Our Lord allows this 'thorn' in your character's reactions to remain for a while, in order for you to realise your(our) utter dependance upon Him. Wouldn't that ultimately be an example of Grace abounding where sin is trying to do the same?

Then many years after your death and sainthood, other travellers suffering similar states would be encouraged to pray to you, for strength to continue in their struggle for holiness, due to the example you set.

You also say "The damage is done, and I'm sure I'll have to pay for it in the afterlife. "

Mmmm, maybe by being woken up in heaven early, to pray for some poor soul beseeching your intercessions!!

God can turn things round, the worst of situations, and boy, am I grateful for that truth!!

Keep on, keeping on. God bless.

KAM said...

Thank you, Shadowlands for stopping by and for your beautiful response. Just an hour ago we did Morning Prayer and 2 Corinthians was the Reading. I didn't put two and two together but you did. Thanks for the insight. k

precious cup said...

You know how I feel about this. For me, graces are held out in the form of lines in a book, words from a friend or a stranger for that matter, even intercession from angels and saints. It is like I have been allowed to join in this finely orchestrated dance,ever step is mapped out in front of me if I only allow myself to see it that way. He will lead, all I have to do is open my eyes and heart, and follow. When I look back I realize that, if I let Him, He makes it easy. But no, day after day I find myself trying to lead again. I guess only practice makes perfect.

KAM said...

You are so right, P.C. I love the analogy to the dance. I guess we all try to lead at times and the only that will bring us back to 'letting Him lead' is our humbleness. Thanks for stopping by...

Do Not Be Anxious said...

Thanks for this great post, KAM. Many of our posts are about good things in our life, sometimes about bad things, but not enough are about bad things which we chose to make into good things.

As far as continuing in the lesson learned, well I always believed that the first step in solving a problem is knowing that there IS a problem. Perseverance and grace take over from there.

Daily Grace said...

Most of my greastest struggles are with behavior in myself that I do not like. Like St. Paul, I ask myself why do I do the things I hate....

Our Lord is so kind and loving; I am so glad that he sees the struggle inside us and loves us unconditionally, even when we disappoint him and ourselves.

kam said...

Thank you both D.G. and D.N. for your input. As always, much appreciated.