Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A Step Back

I have to admit, these last few weeks have been, for me, a muddle. July and August are very busy for us, with running off almost every weekend to do a changeover at Lavarehouse, then this, and then that, well, you get the idea. I know I'm complaining and I have NOTHING to complain about, so I'll stop complaining and get to the point. I have a hard time merging my secular life and my spiritual life together. Does that make any sense? I see so many people who, to me, have no problem with it. Lately, with all the stuff that goes on (in my life) the Holy Spirit, God, everything seems to be pushed back, far away, almost like, and I know this will sound weird, but all my spirituality is stuck behind my forehead! My head is filled to the brim with my God, my personal Holy Spirit but their stuck inside me, they can't get out. That's how it's felt the last few weeks. Different events in our lives have, I'll admit, tested us, H especially, but I let the world of people bother me too much and I can't break out of that human thinking mode, I've got to get myself back into seeing and thinking through Jesus' eyes, the Eyes of God. Man, I hate that in myself! Well, I don't hate it, but you know what I mean. I comes down to the Gospel theme lately of Loving Thy Neighbor. It's easy when everything is fine, it's another story when road rage fills you or somebody you know and love stomps all over somebody else you know and love. It's at those times that I now realize that I have to bring myself to the Foot of the Cross. To beg Our Lord for that guidance, that grace to see and love my neighbor as I should. Lately, I've hit a wall with my actions, I've subconsciously thought that I can deal with things on my own. I know I can't deal with issues that are like monkey wrenches in my life. I myself, alone have no patience for any of it. You hear people say you have to give it up to Our Lord, use Our Mother, talk to her, ask for her intersession, but until you really see the need, with your interior eye, you'll never ask.
Last evening, in the heat of the Church, during Rosary, the Sorrowful Mysteries, some things came together. I was forced back a step, not by me, but by, I believe, the Virgin Mother. Slow down, child, your way too wound up. Listen to the prayers your saying, don't just say them! I felt those words in my heart, last night, but I didn't realize it until this morning, during my ride to work and my morning Rosary. A gift of remembrance, a light for me to see by. I still don't know what has changed but for now life isn't so so muddled as before. Issues still exist but for now my heart is filled...

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