Road Beyond 50

Week One

2012-02-27T21:49:00.000-05:00

Who was there, Lord,
in that first week of Lent?
When I, at the prayer service,
(not even a Mass)
listened, dissapointed, (in myself)
as a deacon spoke of you.
I hope he was a deacon but it was not my church
and I did not know the man.
Who was there?
Was I, as I went away angry, for not having been satisfied,
not fulfilled?

I had forgotten about the desert.

My Lents have always been filled with someone elses dreams,
of stories of such spiritual times
of joy, of trials.
Mine were mostly nothing to rejoice about,
to tell ones friends about.
Again, I'd missed the point.

I had forgotten
the silence of the silence.

The silence that enwraps you at times you don't expect,
like when that passage from the Bible strikes a chord.
As this past Thursday evening when at Adoration
one hour slipped to two...

...and the slow re-dawn of silence.

The Fount of Grace

2012-02-11T21:17:00.001-05:00

Oh God,
so hollow is my cry to you
yet you hear, for no reason than
out of love
for me.

The statue of the Blessed Virgin rests to the side of the small Latin Mass altar. She is on the globe and her bare foot is standing on the neck of the serpent, right behind his head. His head is raised up, mouth wide, fangs dull white in the quiet light of the church. The master of lies has been slithering through the lives of men since ancient times, since being swept away, since failing the test. Look around. What times are these that we live in, where does not satan show his vile head? He is in our neighborhoods, in our government and even in our churches. Does he believe it is time for him to really raise his head, to come in for the kill?
All graces flow through Mary, our Mother. We must go to Her now more than ever before. Satan knows that too, more than anyone, and will confuse us in every way to make us think that She is irrelevant, that God is gone, Jesus is no more...
The dark one's final destination is Mary, who waits for the word from God to finish this epic battle. It is the ages old battle for souls, and the devil's hatred of God drives him to destroy us, since he cannot touch God. For us, it is our souls that are at stake, and always has been.

For even with my sandals on
trodding through deep snow
and my hood pulled up
to focus thoughts
still
the mind will wander
where only darkness waits.
And ideas that are blown like dust,
left behind when morning comes,
prayers and strength
return
to lead me to the Fount of Grace.

Week 1

2012-02-04T20:55:00.000-05:00

WEEK I

SUNDAY

Evening Prayer I

Ant. 1 Like burning incense, Lord, let my prayer rise

up to you.

Such beautiful words, and coming (or beginning) where they are, front and center at the start of The Four-Week Psalter. I don't analyze the Office much, H and I just do them, and it's enough to just let the readings and psalms sink into the fiber and be there, to swim just beneath the surface all day. Some days the readings are read and they go, fading from sight and mind like an old conversation, while other days the voice of the Apostle will stay with me all day, pointing out my faults and reminding me of things I don't even know. Lately, maybe because I've added Mid-Day prayer to my lunch half-hour the feel of the whole reading seems to be of caution,of wariness and do not fall! Guidance, always guidance. 6 months from now I'll probably feel much different, Maybe then, the theme will be one of rejoicing, but I doubt it. The darkness of the world is only becoming more prevalent, I'm afraid, and our God seems only more than content in letting His plan run it's course. No matter. Whoever has ears ought to hear. Ant. 2 You are my refuge, Lord; you are all that I desire in life. For me a summing up of where I try to stand, but usually am not. Where is that Ant. at 9:45am at a busy day at work? Usually far from my mind. Those are precisely the times we should remember them, but, at the same time, if we forget, we must let God take over, consciously or unconsciously, and let Him guide us, whether we know it or not. I only know if this has happened when, at the end of the day, during my examination of conscience God gives me the grace to see His work in the day that has passed, to see the good (if any!) and the bad. In the silence of silence He speaks, showing us, bending our will to His ways.

...in prayer

2012-01-30T20:55:00.000-05:00

Trust. This one word has seemingly filled my head since this past Sundays' Latin Mass gospel reading. Matthew 8, 23-27. Good, experienced fisherman all, and still they were terrified. Lord, save us, we perish. We perish. Am I perishing now? I might be. All my trust is in God, but after this gospel reading and the realization of how much God is asking of us, I don't know anymore. Lord, save us. Peter, James, John, they had Jesus right there with them, teaching them, opening their eyes; we, 2,000 plus years later, centuries of examples of tremendous trust by ordinary people and Saints, and we/I still am trying to go it alone.

In my weakness, Lord, I cry out to you.

Not a voice that is heard, but a silent cry that wells up in bitterness, a bitterness in knowing that I have not done enough, have not tried hard enough to let go of this world I've vowed to let go of, to embrace Him who is asleep in the stern of my life, watching over me, and I almost ignore Him.
Why are you fearful, O ye of little faith?
I'm fearful because I've not given everything over to Him. I'm fearful that I'm fooling myself, in my so-called humbleness I'm actually just, smug. I am still tossed constantly, as soon as the next squall comes up. Will it take a million years for me to figure this out? Probably. As long as a part of me thinks above the slug-like existence that I know I am, I will not be at rest. Always filled with uneasiness, I advance through the day. Again, it is a realization that I must meet head-on, head-on, in prayer.

O Lord,
help me to let go
of my firm grip
on this world,
and help me
to wrench the hands
from my soul,
that slow my journey
to You.

January

2012-01-14T21:33:00.000-05:00

I haven't written much lately, for no reason other than I've nothing to say that basically hasn't been said. There are so many bloggers, posters etc., out there, people who say things much better than I can that I just feel posting for posting's sake is not for me. That's not to say I don't keep up with my favorite sites; I do, and love what you all say, everyday. If it weren't for the dyed in the wool, hard-core faithful, holding our Church together by example and prayer I can only imagine where we'd be. The Traditions of the Church and it's teachings are under fire constantly, with the sole intent of bringing down our Mother Church. Outside of our immediate family I don't know what we can do, really, other than to lead by example and keep the traditions alive.

You are the light of the world.

A city seated on a mountain cannot be hid.

Neither do men light a candle and put it

under a bushel but upon a candlestick,

that it may shine to all

that are in the house. (Matthew 5)

That's from today's Gospel reading from the Traditional Latin Mass. I can only get there on Saturday mornings and Sunday at 12:00 noon and that's not enough, I know, but that's all the Masses I can make. Someday, if it's in His plan, I'll be able to go on the days when the TLM is available. Right now I'm where He wants me, which is still working for my bread. But even though He has left me there I will not be sad, will not put on the long face. I'm there to do His will, which is to love. To love. So hard! My fellow man, my co-workers! Yeow! But I do try, every day, although I fail at times quite miserably. But it's funny; by all my failures the Cross becomes much clearer, the path to and from the Cross at times almost materializes before my eyes. I call it the slow-down, the small gift of grace from God when He lets you see or feel the result of your action as He wants you to, not as you or the world sees it. For me it's never anything major, just a change in thought, it seems, just a new realization. I don't know, I get lost in words, sometimes, lost where there are no words to say. Move on, k, move on from this and let Him work.

Maybe, to sum up, it's for me, a matter of Him drawing and me reaching. Sounds simple, uh? Heck no! For the Holy Spirit, perhaps, but for me, no. I reach now from a place so different than before. We've peeled away the outer skin, stripping away the excess. No more cable t.v. A big one, that. Not just not watching the television, but turning the cable off completely. We are surviving, and quite well, thank you. No newspaper delivery. All these things, for us, just became obstructions to God. We (H and myself) needed more silence in our lives, and less distractions and all has gone well. We are also back in formation again, pursuing the call of the Third Order Franciscans. St. Francis' Rule of 1221 for the Third Order is just too sweet to not taste. God is so very, very good. He levels the road ahead for you, just so you can carry the Cross further for His Son. Blessed Virgin Mary and all the Saints, stay with me on the road, prop me up as I try to prop up, in my own sloppy way, my brothers and sisters here on earth.

Waiting...

2011-12-23T22:51:00.000-05:00

The clock is ticking, and that's about it. H is asleep on the couch, our son is home, asleep in his room upstairs. Our daughter is on her way, will get in about midnight. The house is in the low hum of night, waiting, seemingly, as I am for my daughter, tonight, and Him tomorrow night. We have been waiting our whole lives for him, but more fervently this past month. In my dreams, at Advent beginning, all the books I would read and the prayerful times spent were all laid out and lined up before me, dreams but not reality. One book, not finished. Advent fast, semi-falling apart right here at the end of the Silent Wait. I will re-group, here tonight, in the quietness as I wait for Celena. 10:45. This is the time for Night Prayer, and I will answer its call. And then perhaps a Rosary as I sit in the rocker and wait in silence for her and for Him.

Octave Day of the Immaculate Conception

2011-12-15T12:56:00.000-05:00

(taken from The Saint Andrew Daily Missal, circa 1951)

The date of Mary's Nativity on September 8th caused her Conception to be celebrated during Advent, the season when the Church awaits "the Emmanuel whom a virgin shall conceive" (Communion of the Wednesday in Advent Ember Week).
Devotion to the Mother of God holds an important place in the liturgy of Advent. One may say that the period comprising Advent, Christmas and Epiphany constitutes the real season or month of Mary.
The Church does not yet possess Jesus, but she already has His Mother, "the beginning of Christ" as Bossuet calls her. This period represents the first phase of the existence of the Saviour on earth. The divine Infant rests gently in Mary, a living tabernacle which the pious sculptors of the middle ages wished to honour when they made a statue of the Virgin as a tabernacle where the Eucharist would be preserved. -During this season of Advent let us fix our eyes on the Virgin who is to give us Christ.

Darkness

2011-11-09T13:16:00.002-05:00

Lord, I thank you for the gift of the darkness, for helping me to appreciate the gift of Your Light.

(219 hours without power)

Adoration

2011-09-25T17:08:00.000-04:00

...and you are right there, behind the small, round glass. You. Jesus Christ/God. At times I'm able to barely wrap my mind around the reality of it and then...it slips away. It's like taking two steps backward.
He is there and I'm here. Two pews and an open area separate us. But it may as well be 2000 plus years. When it comes to the Blessed Sacrament I'm at a loss for words or feelings. Maybe because it's so personal, just Jesus and me, and maybe one or two others, lost in their own journey. My journey, well, I don't know. I'm continually amazed and grateful for the graces that I've received. Once one realizes that nothing comes to us but from God, that He is behind all else that is, that one can rejoice in even the dark times, for even then His light will shine, when one feels and acknowledges the graces that flow then one can say a step has been taken on that journey. I have re-consecrated myself three times now to Jesus thru Mary, and each time, in the months thereafter, I've felt something inside of me open up more and more. Not so much as an opening up as a giving away, a giving away of myself. Here, have some more. I don't really know what I'm doing, but just take some more of me. And He accepts, gladly, with open arms. God loves a giver.
Me and Him. Some voices in the back, now whispering, perhaps new to Adoration. I am truly blessed to be here, quiet time with Him. And later tonight 10-11, in a small Adoration Chapel, filling in for a woman who's travelled half-way around the world to visit her daughter, a nun, in a part of Africa that is not a good place. She'll be gone for three months, and we've taken over her time slot. It will be good to be there, as it is good to be here. Him, drawing me close.
(written Thursday, the 22nd of September.)

His Time

2011-09-06T15:38:00.000-04:00

Some much needed time off from work, and the rain falls. No matter. Everything that needed to be done has been, the picking up and putting away, the raking and the mowing. Whatever is left is all for me, for my nothingness of importance. You know, those annoying thoughts that gnaw at you, the ones you never find the time to address. I'm learning, or trying to learn, to give those thoughts up to Him, to take them away from my time and let Him deal with them in His time. Very hard to do, but I'm getting better at it. It all begins with having God front and foremost at all times. Front and foremost. Again, not so simple. The last thing satan would want is for any of us to have Him at the center of our thoughts constantly. Harder to make inroads there. But inroads he makes, and when he can't get in he throws up obstacle after obstacle, one barricade after another. The world around us is where that lion prowls, and he is having his way, for now. Let him be. The signs point closer to our end, to the beginning of His coming, and I feel whoever makes it through these dark times will come out the stronger. Maybe we'll see it and maybe not. But to play and dally in this smoke-filled world is not for me. One cannot hide a light under a bushel basket. We must bring Him forth now.
Summer becomes Fall. No hurrahs, it just is. We plan our garden in early spring, envision the rows, green with bounty. Our garden of life, our lives, planned and planted out in the early spring of our youth, of our lives. Usually before we even know of His time, of how it encompasses all, we think we are in charge, we are the gardener. We are not.

For though the fig tree blossom not

nor fruit be on the vines,

though the yield of the olive fail

and the terraces produce no nourishment,

Though the flocks disappear from the fold

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet will I exult in my saving God.

Habakkuk 17-18

The quietness of a grey, wet afternoon surrounds me and I think, This life I could embrace, this beginning of a contemplative life, yearning for nothing but constant prayer, to soar with the angels as I hear God's voice. But no, that is not for me. I'm here, in late afternoon merely quietly praying, recharging my batteries for what is to come. God has called me to be out in the world, to put my best unworthy self forward for all to see, to see the glory of Him shining in me. I must pray through distraction, turn my cheek and give them my beard to pull and then explain to them why I did that; to love God, family and country with my whole heart, with my whole mind and with my whole soul. Look, always in three's. Bless the Holy Trinity.

The Erratic Man

2011-06-17T20:51:00.000-04:00

My brothers, count it pure joy when you are involved in every sort of trial. Realize that when your faith is tested this make for endurance. Let endurance come to its perfection so that you may be fully mature and lacking in nothing.
If any of you is without wisdom, let him ask for it from the God who gives generously and ungrudgingly to all, and it will be given him. Yet he must ask in faith, never doubting, for the doubter is like the surf tossed and driven by the wind. A man of this sort, devious and erratic in all that he does, must not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Evening Prayer, Reading, James 1:2-8

After going through a day doing jobs I don't like and feeling at times just plain cooked, H and I finish our day with Evening Prayer, and this reading pierces me like a two-edged sword. How could I have travelled the road all day in misery when the spirit of Francis is leading me down this road? The first sentence says it all; Count it pure joy when you are involved in every sort of trial. For me, how completely Franciscan! I've come to realize that our faith is tested not just in the areas of faith but in all areas, all things. Trials of any sort test one's faith, but to throw all of God's wisdom and teaching away as soon as an issue arises is just like the case of the doubter, who, like the surf is tossed and driven by the wind. I didn't expect to see myself there, but there I was. Am I devious? I don't know. Erratic, yes. And today, driven by the wind. I forgot all about Francis, all about Our Lord. I've come to the realization that I've only scratched the surface of myself, of my faith. I see now that many strong people have held me in strong hands for way too long.

I call upon you, O God,
in my distress.

The porch on Easter Morning

2011-04-24T08:02:00.000-04:00

He is risen.
These words ring out to me in the form of the new life that is spring, the calling of birds to one another, the new awakening after a long sleep, as us who have slept so long, to finally feel the warmth of the Risen Lord once again.
Here, thick fog covers the land and only daffodils and tulips break the grey barrenness of late April. But in my heart, soul and mind the Son is burning again, for He has Risen.

Lent

2011-04-03T17:20:00.001-04:00

Hello, everyone. All's quiet on Road Beyond 50. I've sat down a few times to post but to get from my heart to the keyboard just seems fruitless. "I will provide you with the words..." well, He hasn't yet and that's OK. It is Lent and maybe this has become part of my fast, my loss of words on my journey home to the Risen One. I'm still reading your posts, though, and they all fill me with wonder and hope.

2011-03-19T22:06:00.000-04:00

On Saturday mornings we go to the 7:00am Latin Mass. During the week I'm not able to get to Mass unless one is offered at night, which right now my parish is doing, 7:00pm Tuesdays and Thursdays during Lent. I've only been to one, after our shortened Knight of Columbus meeting. Right now, in this time of my life, if I have the choice, I do not attend a Norvus Ordo Mass. Believe me, not attending Mass is not easy for me, as it is not easy for any of you. But this night, that is not what I'm writing about. Whatever Mass we attend is our own business. In the end it is between us and God, and only he knows where we've been on our journey to Him. This morning, before Mass, during my Rosary, He made His presence very known to me, really for the first time during my Rosary. I would have to describe my spiritual life as quiet; mostly me speaking to Him, or to His Son, or to our Blessed Mother. More to Her, lately, as we finish our consecration. Me speaking, and they listening. But really, it is , the desert. And that's ok, I understand that, I really do. He gives me many insights, answers to questions I don't even ask. And yes, every once in awhile He does make His presence known in a big way, but very rarely. This morning, He came. As I began my Rosary in the early morning darkness of the Church it was as if He were next to me in the pew, saying the Rosary with me. St. Martha's has a Crucifixion scene set up near the communion rail, off to one side. Beautiful statues in bright colors, depicting the death of Our Lord. The soldiers, Mary Magdalen, weeping on the ground, Blessed Mary, supported by John, his head covered by his hooded cloak. Jesus, between the two thieves, His eyes aimed to heaven. But what struck me, what burned into my mind was the thoughts that had to be going through the minds of the people there that loved Jesus dearly, to see Him hanging from the cross after all that had happened to him since His arrest. The anguish, the confusion, the sorrow in their hearts. I knew as I said each Hail Mary that Jesus Himself, although scourged, beaten, crowned with thorns and hanging from a tree, He knew what was happening. It was all Him and the Father by then. But the pain felt by the one's who loved Him I felt, really, for the first time. The Father, for whatever reason, turned my stony heart to a loving heart. For the first time in my life I truly and honestly loved Our Lord Jesus Christ. How would you feel if that was your good friend hanging on that cross? Somebody you loved beyond all telling? And this happened to him? In an instant the door was opened just a crack, and He gave me a peek, and a peek was all I could handle. It was if a stopper had been pulled out. So many unspoken thoughts made sense. Unspoken and unwritable here. And then, not one revelation but another, as I knelt, beads in hand. A scene of our elderly, perhaps of some I know, but it didn't matter. The intense loneliness of some of those men and women, who had lived good productive lives, then retired. Perhaps they lost a spouse, and their children cooked for them then. Still love and family there. But later, as they get older, probably a nursing home. No more home cooked meals by a daughter or daughter in law. Unknown food cooked by unknown hands. That is were my vision started and ended, in a flash. Why I was given that, I don't know. Why did He show this to me now? I will pray about these two startling gifts that He gave me today, graces poured out by the Blessed Virgin Mary. I will pray about that unbelievably strong yearning of love that I felt this morning, and why do I have such a stony heart. I will pray to God to allow our Mother to tear me down to nothing, to the nothing that I really am, to strip me of every vicious excess. I will let the vision of the elderly linger with me, for that is what it should do, because for some reason, unknown to me, the two scenes He pointed out to me this morning, in the silence of His church, mean something more than what I can understand now. He may do something for nothing, but I don't think He ever does anything without a reason.

Oh Lord, hear my cry
deep in this desert.
You, who in so many words, said,
"Come, follow me," stretch out Your hand
to us who yearn for light.

Wash me first

2011-03-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

The last few weeks have been the Season of Septuagesima, which is the three Sundays leading up to Ash Wednesday. This is used in the Traditional Latin Mass. We haven't been going steady to the Latin Mass for even a year yet, so we are still learning all the differences that exist between the L.M. and the Norvus Ordo. These three Sundays are used to prepare for the Lenten season. A good idea, I think. For me, the season of Lent was a lot more cut and dried; one gave up something for forty days, and then began again after. The whole event was forgotten about after Easter. That was before God called...
Now, things have changed, and for me, Lent has become much more serious, as well it should be. It seems like my life for the last five years has been one type of fast or another, or a time of penance for a decision that must be made. Ash Wednesday is nearly here and I'm no closer to my Lenten observance than I was three weeks ago.....
Well, Ash Wednesday has come and gone, and God, in His mercy, has shown us a path, a way to begin our journey through Lent. Lately it always seems to do with food and H and I are brought even closer together by sharing in this Lenten discipline, as we do all things. Coffee one year, (a rough one, that), desserts another, (not so bad, but bad enough), but in hindsight these abstinence's were only small things, stuff even. H and I have been looking into the Third Order Franciscans, which is very different from our Secular Franciscans. A bit more stricter. More devoted to the Latin Mass. This way of living, Franciscan-wise, seems to fit our spirituality and gives us a deeper sense of peace and purpose than the Rule of the modern day Seculars. But we are only exploring these options. We are praying about it. But we have adopted some of the fasts and abstinence rules that they use for our Lenten fast. These include no breakfast, Monday thru Saturday. No meat Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday, and of course, Friday, but milk and dairy is allowed. On top of our Fasting on bread and water on Wed. and Fri. it makes for an interesting week. I'd never known how much food is such a intrusive part of my life. I can tend toward gluttony at times if I don't watch out. How heavy-feeling I can become when I eat three decent meals a day. With the discipline of Lent that has all changed. With no breakfast I go from 5:30 in the evening until 12:30 the next day, which is lunch without eating. A long time for me to go with only a couple of cups of coffee in between. But something does happen during that long stretch, especially in the morning. Is it me; no, I am nothing, I know that. I feel it is the Holy Spirit, moving in where the tendencies toward my over-indulging were. We are called to God for a reason and He gives us the means to get there, we just have to make use of those ways. Fasting is one way. Instead of being unknowingly dependent of our food, we become more dependent on God. It's like our bodies, no our souls know that, and in turn we search and yearn for Him. The turning inward, the turning inward with love. The Ancient Fathers in the Old Testament knew the power of fasting. Fasting and Prayer.
The clong of the heavy wind chime fills the silence of night. I think of what I just wrote, and how it really doesn't tell the whole story, not even close. How can I explain the quietness that fills me up even in the middle of a crazy workday? How even now, in the semi-silence of the night, how His presence is here, closer than ever. How to explain the unexplainable? How to listen and respond, how to write about that. I cannot. And so begins the journey through the desert, following Our Lord Jesus. A good way to live one's life, in the desert, with Our Lord.

Oh Lord Jesus,

you but command and I come.

I will help carry your cross

but wash me first,

cleanse me in the

discipline of Lent

then lead me down the path

less known.

Mid Winter Thoughts

2011-02-20T18:41:00.000-05:00

Mid winter, bending into late... My ride home from work is in the daylight which is a step in the right direction. I'm not a winter person, don't ski or snowshoe, own a snowmobile, whatever. This winter my recreation has been snow removal, via shovel. I've lost a couple of pounds, but it hasn't done my back any good. Still, in times of trial, or stress or even like now, me with the flu, one is forced to look at the world a bit differently. Here in CT we only have narrow paths that bring me to the bird feeder, another out to the mulch pile. Finally one that goes around the house for the cat. Our world becomes smaller, and we become more dependent on things. Some will spend the long dark hours of winter watching more television, reading long novels, eating, etc, who knows what, more computer time even. Dependence. Last Thursday afternoon I could feel it coming on, for all my colds or flu, (whatever!) come on the same way; scratchy throat and bouts of sneezing. By 5:30pm I was home sitting in my rocker with my fleece lined winter jacket, scarf and hat still on me, and wrapped in a blanket. That's how Helen found me. She fed me (literally!) a few forkfuls of supper and put me to bed. Dependence. Friday I called in sick to work, God willing that will probably be my only sick day, one a year, always the flu. Friday, Saturday, I was useless. Today, finally, feeling somewhat normal. Two days doing none of the things I normally do, just a time of quiet, a time for the Rosary, to reflect, to pray. I limped my way down the hall to the Prayer room we've fashioned out of the old family room. Knelt on the kneeler in front of the big Crucifix hanging on the wall. It was quiet, so quiet, no one home but me. The Joyful Mysteries. Our Blessed Mother. Trying to concentrate on each Mystery, for me, a great chore, but in the cool quiet of the Prayer Room, it was different. My life had slowed down a bit and one decade flowed into the next, The Early Life passing before me. I know when I'm home sick I'm pretty useless, because I am so sick, but its nice, everyone takes care of me. But I become so dependent on them, and usually this bothers me; I'm the one who takes care of everybody (well, actually Helen takes care of everybody, but you know what I mean...) but this time I just went with the flow. I have to admit, it was nice not being at work for one day, even if I had to suffer through the flu. People miss work for a lot worse things.
I was talking about dependence. Helen's church (two different parish's, long story...) just started a Consecration to Jesus through Mary using True Devotion To Mary by St. Louis De Montfort. I'd never used this book for my consecration, but I'm truly astounded by the depth that the Saint has in his knowledge of the Blessed Virgin. I will not be long here, but how he explains the meaning of being a slave to Christ and a slave to Mary makes so much sense in the deepest depths of my heart and soul, that I knew that something was giving inside of me, long held beliefs and safety nets we're going to come down, and they have. A slave to Christ. A slave to Mary. Dependence. The world of man and the world of God, two different forms of dependence. With one we have to gather and gain, rise, defeat, and the other we give all away. I can't give proper words to the graces that He poured out on me these last two days. Being sick forced me to slow down, and I was able to read, and hear read words that ignited a firestorm within me. A homily today at the Latin Mass about grace that turned my thinking upside down. How one can live a holy life, church every day, Rosary, confession, helping others, and then while waiting in purgatory, God gives tremendous graces to a sinner who repents on their deathbed. Straight past you to Heaven. The Grace of God, something we will never understand.
But HE understands it.
And somewhere in my heart of hearts I understood it just a little bit today, in the church, among the sweet smell of High Mass incense, something opened and poured out into my soul, like a rush of warmth.
God is God. He is love, He is just and he is mysterious. And I'm at a loss for words.

The March

2011-01-29T19:46:00.000-05:00

Death, death is all around us. You could feel it in the air.

  This past Monday H and I went with friends on the bus to Washington D.C. for The March For Life. This was my first time, Helen's third. From CT is took us 7 hours, driving through the night and arriving just on time to attend the Mass at the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception. This was only my second time in D.C., the first this past August to go to the Restoring Honor rally. Let me say this; The Basilica is truly beautiful, inside and out, with all the altars off to each side. We ended up getting lost right at the end of our ride into D.C., the Basilica not registering on the bus drivers GPS. Go figure. We found seats in the side altar dedicated to The Miraculous Medal. A large video monitor provided us with the Mass, so we didn't miss a thing. But even though this event was part of the larger event, The March, I want to focus on what stood out and still stands out to me. Like I said, I'd never been to The March, never even protested at an abortion clinic. This was all new ground for me. Even the bus ride was disconcerting to me; there were no overhead lights on my side of the bus, and the none of the seats at all would recline. Needless to say, no sleep came to me Sunday night into Monday morning. No matter, I survived. After Mass, a different bus brought us to an abortion clinic, no, not a clinic, a mill.  I didn't know what to expect. When we stepped off the bus there were already people standing on both sides of the sidewalk, I think praying and singing, I can't quite remember. A middle aged priest with that group showed us where to stand. Almost immediately this group left, and we moved down closer to the entrance. Young women dressed for the weather wearing yellow bibs that said Clinic Escort walked back and forth , up and down the sidewalk in front of us, I guess in order to keep the sidewalk open. This must happen all the time, and if not, on this day at least. A member of our group, R, one of the most spirit-filled people I know, began The Sorrowful Mysteries in a voice that was clear and strong in that cold morning air. At about this time, the leader of our group, Hal, the retired gentleman who organizes this bus every year began to walk behind one of the women escorts. For a sign he had two pieces of cardboard held together with twine, hung around his head. For the next hour he took turns walking behind each escort, silently, never saying a word, walking as we prayed aloud. I was called upon to lead The third Sorrowful Mystery, The Crowning of the Thorns.  I remember starting to have a feeling of being swept up, of being a part of something that for some reason I'd never acknowledged, this feeling of, for lack of a better way to put it, Spirit of Christ, of doing something with others that, even in it's own small tiny way, was a voice. I felt a great sorrow for what we were here for, but sorrow mingled with satisfaction. Satisfaction in knowing that at least for this hour, the voice of God was being spoken here through His vessels, however unworthy. We ended the rosary and began The Divine Mercy, led by D in her soft quiet voice. We took turns leading this prayer, one leading, the rest of us following. We finished, and our bus had not yet arrived, so we began another, this time singing. God is so good. Even in the face of death, just footsteps from the entrance He shows Himself to us in the witnesses to our faith. Hal, walking silently, following the footsteps of the consorts of death. He was joined by an older woman, holding her own old sign, like Hal's a sign they use here every year, which just read Abortion Kills. And finally a young mother with her 9 month old baby, another member of our group, she began to march on the sidewalk holding her bundled baby in her arms. Talk about witnesses. As we were finishing the last prayers of The Divine Mercy the bus arrived, and we all formed a line and got on board, still singing. I was numb, but not from the cold. As I sat down I knew that He had been present with us on that sidewalk in a very strong way, and in thinking back, probably in one way or another present to everyone who was there, from the escorts to the five motorcycle policemen who showed up halfway through our protest to all of us in our group. Evil verses Good, right before our eyes. The veil lifted, just a little bit.
  After the speeches, (which were very good) we began the march toward the Capitol. R had told us to stick together, and we'll pray all twenty decades of the Rosary. R has a beautiful melodic voice, and when he leads us in prayer his brogue comes through just a little bit. On that day the Holy Spirit was with him especially, for I'd never seen him with such purpose. We stuck close to him as best we could, answering him as he lead our prayers in the cold waning day. Two priests joined us, and for awhile a young nun also walked along, replying to the strong voice that lead us above the din. I don't recall if we made it through all 20 decades. I don't think so. Near the end, climbing the hill, I was cooked, my back done in by the bus ride and all the standing and walking. We stayed only a few minutes at the top, near the end point of the march, mainly so the young kids who were with us could see the whole thing. We turned our back on the Capitol, and made our way down to Union Station to find our bus.
  The ride home was uneventful, and I made it to work on time the next day, going with 3 hrs sleep. I felt fine, really, still caught up in the excitement of my first march. I really hope I don't have to go back again, but I'm afraid I will. The culture of death is so ingrained in our society, it may never be eradicated. During the week I thought about the whole event, the bus ride, the cold creeping into my feet as we stood listening to the speakers, the March. How uncomfortable the whole thing had been. How just days before last Sunday I'd moaned to myself that I'd have to gulp! sleep on the bus, something I'm not good at. But you know where I'm going with this. He is always here with us, leading us, comforting, us, teaching us, giving graces to those who will listen. Whoever has ears to hear ought to hear.  I heard, and saw, with my inner eye I saw. All of what I'd complained about is nothing. Nothing compared to the silent scream of a baby in the womb who feel the first prodding of the needle. Nothing compared to the guilt of the mothers and yes, the fathers who finally feel the truth to what they had done. The unregrettable remorse. The sadness that fills my own heart thinking of the event in my life, so long ago. Yes, I finally heard. A long bus ride to stand in the cold? Nothing, nothing at all to stand a be counted. Nothing at all to raise voices together Heavenward to counter the culture of death.

Here it is, my Cross.

2011-01-14T22:19:00.000-05:00

James 1: 19-25

Keep in mind, dear brothers. Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for a man's anger does not fulfill God's justice. Strip away all that is filthy, every vicious excess. Humbly welcome the word that has taken root in you, with its power to save you. If all you do is listen to it you are deceiving yourselves.

A man who listens to God's word but does not put it into practice is like a man who looks into a mirror at the face he was born with: he looks at himself, then goes off and promptly forgets what he looks like. There is, on the other hand, the man who peers into freedom's ideal law and abides by it. He is no forgetful listener, but one who carries out the law in practice. Blest will this man be in whatever he does.

Sometimes God puts challenges before us that we perceive as almost impossible to overcome. For me, these are usually issues that arise within my family, or our extended family. A sister-in-law who is slowly destroying herself through addiction and stubbornness. How to reach this person when so many obstacles lie between us? Counseling a family member is so hard; it was much easier at the shelter. We listened to them, tucked them in at night and then went home, hoping we did our best. With a family member sometimes your charity falls on deaf ears, and we must accept whatever God gives back to us in humbleness and humility. No shouting or screaming. Just trust in God. Oh, is that hard when the person your dealing with is someone you hold dear, someone you love. Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger... this reading from the Letter of James, which turned up as the Reading, Wednesday Evening Prayer has been lying uneasily within me since then. Act on this word. If all you do is listen to it, you are deceiving yourselves. And it is so easy for me to deceive myself! It seems like, to me, there are two types of men (not really, but for me, right now in my life, this is how men (or women) appear to me). One is the man who appears cold and self-centered, who doesn't care much for his fellow men, who shows this by word and at times by deed, and the man who is always trying to do good, the one who appears to be lead by God at all times. Who am I? Well, the second man, of course. Right? I am, aren't I? Maybe not, not as much as I thought. This morning I was shown an act of kindness in the small exploits of three of my co-workers. One worker going out of his way to help two others dig out their car covered over by the snow from the recent storm. The person who did the helping? Why, the one who looks down on his fellow men. He went out of his way to help, just because he could. And what does this have to do with the one who appears to be lead by God at all times. A lot, because in my overblown view of myself I think I am he, lead by God. Yet this week, this Wednesday evening I failed yet again in carrying out the law in practice. When a call came to me to help a woman with problems she has, silly to me and small, but to her, life threatening issues, I found reasons and excuses not to go to her, not to reach out to her. The roads are completely snow covered. I've been at work since 5:30 this morning. Whatever. I'll be there tomorrow, right after work. There, that calmed her down. (But not really, what I didn't know until later). And something gnawed at me, that kind of gnawing that one gets when you know you didn't do something quite right, even though there were many solid reasons for not doing it. So the righteous man who is full of himself, the one 'lead by God' finds reasons for not being what has vowed to be, a Franciscan, a follower of Francis, a follower of Jesus, for crying out loud, and instead looks at himself, then goes off and promptly forgets what he looks like. I was that man for two days, but God would not let me forget what I'd done. Maybe He has too much invested in me, or something. When He wants to get His point across He finds His ways. A written word or two here or there, or an example of what a person should be like, right before my eyes. He doesn't use shame, we bring that on ourselves, we know when we have wronged someone. I made up my mind this morning that I'd call L on my way home and stop over and help her with anything I could. She's very handicapped and only gets along with Helen and I, really, in the whole world. And I dismissed her in her time of need because it inconvenienced me. Unbelievable. When I talked with Helen at mid-day she said L had called, was wondering if I could stop over after work. Helen said that she already told L I would. Helen knew. When I got there I listened as she talked, told me of her problems of the last three days. She is very sick, and weak. I did what I could, and told her I'd be back tomorrow afternoon to finish what I'd started. But there won't be any finishing, not really. L will always need me, need Helen and I. There are so many L's in the world, so many sister-in-laws. And I must be there to help them, every one of them, without complaint. That is the part that I must learn, no, not learn, but to love. His commandment to Love Thy Neighbor bore into me with its full force today in all it's terrible beauty. Terrible for me, for I had to re-learn it all over again. Here it is, my Cross, I believe your following Me, am I correct? Oh, yes my Lord Jesus, you are correct. There is no way I could ever put this down, not ever again. I may fall, stumble, cry out, but Lord as I help you, please, help me.

Seek His Face

2011-01-07T21:45:00.000-05:00

Once Friday comes I always breath a big sigh of relief; not because of anything I did, but because I know left to myself I'd never be able to hang in there for 52 hours a week, 50 weeks a year. Talk about being picked up and helped along! Whatever happens during the week always seems to be overshadowed by my working job. Anything spiritual always seems to be done only halfway, before sleep overcomes me. I'm not complaining! I'm so very lucky to even have a job, never mind one that provides me with overtime. I see the terrible situation many people are in. Some very good friends of ours are not doing the best financially, and I can see the effects of this strain on their family. As Seculars H and I know how we're supposed to treat this material world, but I think it's easier to despise money when all your bills are mostly paid, even if one is living paycheck to paycheck. I've never been truly penniless, though in my heart I really do want to chuck this whole 9-5 routine, sell the house, rent a small room... but that's just one part of me speaking, and I'm not sure, really which part of me that is. Like I said, everything is easier with a roof over your head. Much to think about in these troubled times when it comes to money.
  I try to not think about money much. I really don't see too much of it; direct deposit and H takes care of the check book. I don't take an allowance, so this I go for weeks at times without any money in my wallet. I don't need much walking around money it seems. I bring my coffee with me, get gas once a week with a debit card, that's about it. All of this frees me to live my life as Franciscan as I can be, in this secular world. Living as Franciscan as I can is a process that for me began as an idea of a way of life to actually living it. I know that sounds simplistic, and it is, in a way, but only by the grace of God has this been allowed to happen. Nothing happens on it's own; God is behind it all. I was thinking today about my life many years ago, 30 plus years ago, and how I was so very far from God in my thoughts and actions. God allowing his child use of free will, which turned out to be free will gone wild. Where is God in one's life then? Silent? No, He's never really silent, we just choose not to hear Him. He must just take a few steps back and wait. Perhaps He was just... I don't know. I can't possibly know what He was thinking about me. In the end, in my darkest hour, He pulled me back, pulled me back up onto my feet and sent me on my way, in a new direction. Maybe He said something to me, quietly, in His silent voice. Did He? I don't know that, either. I think He just pointed me in the direction of His Path and my guardian angel began to whisper Seek His Face, over and over at different times. No split-second epiphany for me, just a long walk, mostly one step forward, two back. Only now does the Path seem fairly stable. I try to keep Him before me all day long, really before me, not in the background. All the rest of the world seems to fall into step behind Him when I think like that, just the way it should.
  Tomorrow I'm finally going to confession, the first time in about two months. I know that sounds crazy, but I've had a real problem either getting to the heart of the matter in confession or dealing with myself before, during and after confession. Confused? I am. The problem is I never feel like I've done a good confession. Problems arise in the confessional; I forget things, I talk too much, I don't talk enough. All week I've been dealing with this in my head, and I think tomorrow I'm going to go back to having my confession heard behind the screen instead of face to face. I have this feeling that in the face to face confession, especially knowing the priest personally I really can't free myself to say what has to be said. I'm hoping that the screen will do just that; act as a screen between me and Father.
  Oh gosh, there was so much more I had to say but that was hours ago. Night is upon us, and sleep calls. First Friday. The spirit and souls of the just are perhaps a bit more evident on this night, at least I like to think so. First Friday means Nocturnal Adoration, and for us, rising at 3:30 am to be at All Saints Church for 4:00. Blessed Jesus, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Oh Lord,
my words pour forth
from my lips
but are they always from my heart?
Is Your Name
ever on my tongue?
Oh Lord, my God
help me to ever
Seek Your Face,
to never turn my inner eye
from You,
to for ever hear Your Voice.

...now I must give all to Him.

2010-12-26T16:26:00.000-05:00

I could say I've finally found the time to blog, but in reality I could have posted here if I'd really felt the urge, but the words weren't there, and they still aren't, really, but I find that if I don't put out there what I feel inside then it gets bottled up and hidden, hidden by myself from myself at times, so I guess one could say this is therapeutic. I have been posting on my other blogs, Oremus and The Narrow Gate, but none of the words on those are my words. Oremus I use to post prayers and other spiritual pieces that I come across, and The Narrow Gate is writings from a book I'm reading, a friends book. We go through life meeting people, some come and go, some make impressions, some not. And some will change your way of thinking forever. And so became The Narrow Gate.

I love the Advent Season, I really do, and I love Christmas. That said, it seems no matter how hard I try to keep Advent 'pure', meaning to me a four weeks of just living my life more in the anticipation of Our Lord's Coming, I let issues get to me just enough so that, by the time the 24th arrives, I'm disappointed in myself. Nothing major, just that so much happens in the month of December as to distract me just enough so that I end up feeling that I've given Our yet Unborn Lord not what he deserves in my time contemplating Him. For in contemplation is prayer, me speaking to God. All just irreverent selfishness, I know, but I still feel sad. I've come to see that it's almost an impossibility for me to reach even the path that I truly long for, never mind even the goal. The life I lived before is ingrained so deep into me, the cleansing will take the rest of my life here on earth, whether that be one more day or fifty more years.

And I'm not even counting purgatory...

To give to God 100% of your life. I used to think I understood what that meant. I used to think I understood what to die to self meant. I think I know, but can I do it? Can I do it everyday, every second, for the rest of my life? I don't know. I know I will try, and I must believe, I MUST believe that God will give me the graces every time I fall. Every time I don't understand my brother or my sister in the world, and I begin to judge and not love. Love thy Neighbor. Only three words, but in those three words the command of Jesus lies. Love thy Neighbor. Jesus knew that those words hold the key to everything, but can I, us, the whole human race live those three words? I can't even live them all the time. Yet He calls us to do just that. God even became like us to help show us, but do we follow, do we look?

Do we love?

Sometimes only in convenience I love, because loving my neighbor is hard, at times. At work it is always hard. So many people are so different from me that...

What a sorry excuse. Yet in that small place in my mind, at times that thought erupts, and I hesitate. I hesitate and He lets me know, He lets all of us know with the inner voice of Him that only we can hear. Oh, Lord, to be able to be guided by that voice, to let my heart follow Yours, as You long for me to do. I've tried to let the Silence of Advent guide me these last few weeks. I don't know how well of a job I've done. Last Thursday, the 23rd, I spent two hours in Adoration and was blessed with graces from Him that I did not deserve but He gave anyway, for no reason other than Love. Talk about mysteries. To me, all of God is a mystery. The mystery of His love for us. How can it be? I think it's time for a Rosary. The wind is blowing and the snow is flying. The short afternoon is slipping away towards the darkening night. The Mystery of His Birth looms large before me, a comfort. His love for us has arrived. He has given to us, now I must give all to Him.

Waiting for the Light

2010-12-10T21:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile, for many reasons, none of which are important. The spiritual world of Our Father, the life we are called to live on this earth has been slowly, ever so slowly, filling in the dark places that I've lived in for so many years. The more we let Him into our lives, let Him in and give ourselves over to Him... the more our eyes will be opened.
This Advent has been much different than others, but isn't that always the case? Each year seems to bring about changes unforeseen, leaving us always one step behind. At least that's the way it is with me. I always have some idea about tomorrow, or the day after, but it's never like I planned when it arrives. One case in point; Tuesday evening our K of C council had our Christmas Social, (in old-fashioned terms, Christmas party). We invite the Ladies Guild, Catholic Daughters, the Friars, nuns, widows, you name it. Last year was not a good turnout, and since hardly anyone got back to me (1 person did) concerning what to bring, I expected the worst. When we emerged from our very short meeting, the Hall was filled with more than 50 people, and their was enough food for many more than that. Everyone thanked me for having such a great 'event'. I didn't do anything! He did it all! He did it all because he is in charge, he directs me because I've learned to let Him lead me, as I should. But with this new found docility that I've been granted the grace to understand, this pliability to mold me to understand, comes with it the narrow gate, the very narrow gate that leads to His Door. Oh God, my God, at times I wonder how I ever got this far along in my miserable life! You were in charge even then, although I had no idea. You waited for me, Lord, you waited and then you sent your Mother to open the door. And now I find myself waiting for you, O Son of Man, waiting in that deep silence of Advent that you've put me in this year. 'Reflect on the mysteries of the Rosary,' people tell me. In the darkness of these unusually cold late fall nights, in my contemplations I realize that I've never really entered into these ancient mysteries at all, only spoke about them and recited them by rote. And the mystery of Joseph, his call from God and his complete strength and obedience to those calls. Lord, how I wish I were more to my family as your foster father was to you and your Mother! My worries and fears paralyze me at times, and I yearn now to hear you voice say to me Pick up your mat, and walk. I am trying, Lord, even though they may be baby steps.
This Sunday, the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, I will be re-consecrating myself to Our Blessed Virgin Mother. I am in the baby step age group with this also, this being my third re-consecration. I'll be attending 12:00 Noon Latin High Mass with a Rosary procession to follow honoring our B.V.M., followed by a guest speaker who will speak on her 30 years in the war against abortion. Being Sunday, I will give myself over all my activities completely to Him. What better way to spend the Lord's Day?
It's getting late, and I've been up since 4:00 am. The house is cold, the kids are gone, H is asleep. Night prayer calls, and perhaps that last Rosary after that. To my left is My Ideal Jesus Son of Mary, which I'm only 2/3 of the way through. In the back it has a page or two for re-consecrating, but I always read the entire book. Even though I say a small prayer to Her every morning, it's not the same as this one special day. To give back to Her in some small way for what she did for us so long ago, and for what she still does now. The inspired words of My Ideal Jesus challenge me, and help keep me on the narrow road.
The clock ticks on. Downstairs, I know that last log is pretty much gone, and in front of the hearth I'll make my nights' last stand. For me, the late evening is a good time to contemplate the Blessed Ones, The Holy Trinity, Mary, and all the Saints. For in this darkness of night, Lord, you help me see Light.

Turn to love...

2010-11-19T21:07:00.005-05:00

After work today I stopped over my parents house to help my Dad bring firewood down into the basement. He had triple bypass back in July, but he's really doing well. He's lost 32 pounds, does whatever the doctors say, eats right (finally!), etc. He loads the barrels from the woodpile, wheels them over to the hatchway and I lug them down the cellar stairs and stack the wood. We don't say too much when we work. I used to do most of the talking, but as I've gotten older I've realized I don't need to keep up a running conversation with him. I used to do it just out of nervousness, but recently something has changed between us. We've always had a somewhat rocky relationship, well, not rocky really, maybe edgy is a better word. He's very opinionated, and I didn't agree with a lot of his views. But like I said, something has changed. As I reflect on it perhaps its partly my attitude toward him and not him toward me at all. I can't put my finger on it, though. As we worked in silence my thoughts were as they usually were, filled with either prayer or a song, and this time it was a song, though I can't remember what it was. Probably John Michael Talbot, from his 'Chants' cd. That's all I've really listened to, lately. But whatever it was blended beautifully with our rhythm, him hauling and me caring, evening darkness falling around us, the moon high overhead. At one point my Dad said, "This is what you call moonlighting," and that small statement cracked me up. I know I'm very lucky to have both of my parents not only here with us but still so active. I haven't been the best son in the world over these 55 years. I've ignored them for long lengths of time, fought with them and spoken about them in not great ways, in which I'll never forgive myself. Looking back, how can anyone act that way to their parents? Recently I began my preparation for my re-consecration to Our Blessed Virgin Mother by re-reading My Ideal Jesus Son Of Mary, by Fr. Emil Neubert, S.M. In that book Fr. Emil shows the tremendous love Our Lord had for his Mother. I had forgotten the beauty of those passages, and as I read them during Adoration late Thursday I could feel a small sense of excitement and perhaps realization dawn again in me. So much of our lives are ruled by the secular world without us even knowing, when in many cases the choice really is ours to make. We live in the secular world but we need not be ruled by it. Unfortunately I let this world rule me most of my day, giving only lip service to our God. Working with my Dad was such a simple thing, but it was enough to act as a small catalyst, a small act resulting in the turning of a heart once again, a turning of a heart towards love.

A thought on charity...

2010-11-08T12:33:00.009-05:00

In my readings lately the word 'charity' has been jumping out at me. I've come to see that Jesus put a lot of emphasis on that particular virtue. I've heard (or read, whatever) that without charity we are almost nothing. To tell you the truth, I never questioned that statement, just took it for granted I guess, but never really knew what it meant, or, what He meant by it. I see now, in my own understanding of it that charity and love go hand in hand. We cannot be christians, we cannot be Catholics without letting the virtue of charity rule our lives. "What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him?" I see the similarity between this passage from James Chapter 2 and myself today; I can spend all day in prayer, sit before the Blessed Sacrament and say three Rosaries a day but if I don't practice charity, what good is it all? Don't get me wrong, I'm sure some good comes from such spiritual time. Souls in purgatory can always use our prayers. But I myself feel something missing, have felt something missing for some time now, and I believe this feeling has stemmed from my incomplete spiritual life. Have I become complacent? Probably. But He will not let me sit idle for long. He knows I'm capable of more. I know I am. In my mind I can tick off many people, mostly older men and women who could use my help in some way. My sister-in-law is very sickly, disabled really, but a very hard person to get along with. She is exactly the type of person I, we, are called to help. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do the same. (Luke 6:33) To me, true charity is just that, helping a stranger or your enemy, not to make your self feel good but because this person or that person needs you help. And to do it for the love of your neighbor, for the love of God. To me, this is what Jesus was alluding to in His Sermon on the Mount. ...blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy... What have I been thinking lately? I know what I've been thinking, I've been letting myself get in the way of myself. I somehow thought that what I was hearing was God's voice, when in all actuality it was only me, dictating my own life to myself. I have to keep the noise of the world turned down just a little bit lower in order to listen to the voice of our God. Not just hear, but listen and do. I need look no further than my Seraphic Father, Francis, for an example of following the gospel, which is exactly what I should be doing. Gospel to life, life to Gospel. In the darkness of night, in prayer, charity is before me in so many ways, in so many musings. I can do this, and I will do that. K, forget the musings and take up that cross, the one you probably think is too heavy. Jesus calls me to walk with Him, not just a little way but the whole way, the whole journey, helping each other as we go. Only with the cross will I begin to learn Your way.

Oh Jesus,

You gave us so many examples

in your life,

from your birth

until your death

on how to stay upon the path

stay upon the road to heaven.

Help me to walk that path

joyfully,

to carry your Cross courageously,

and to show Your Face

to my brothers and sisters

in need.

Truth

2010-11-06T19:07:00.004-04:00

"You cannot serve both God and mammon."

At morning Mass today Fr. D expanded on this statement from Jesus. I'll have to admit at times I become calloused to some Gospel readings when I'm not really sure on their 'true' meaning. I know, some people will say that the Word of God is different for everyone, and I also thought that way, thinking that that type of Gospel interpretation was the way to go.

Personally, I believe I was wrong.

We were given a Homily today that left no doubt in my mind to what Our Lord was trying to explain to his disciples and the Pharisees. And in that Homily I received two lessons; one, the message from scripture, and the second for me, in mine, and Helen's search for the truth, which is part of what this journey is all about. And that search for the truth can lead one to unexpected places. Like away from your parish of 20+ years to somewhere that the interpretation of the Word of God is not sugar coated to keep everyone feeling good. Where the Holy Mass is still offered with supreme reverence to God. These and many other things, once realized by the inner voice cannot be pushed aside, they must be embraced or one is fooling oneself. It was as if today, during Mass, Jesus Himself was there for me, not in physical form but His real Divine Presence, just pointing, leading, saying 'See? This is what I really meant.' It is a real uneasy feeling to have knowing that out there the Word is being explained in ways that are just not to their full importance. We cannot serve both God and Mammon. If we serve God, if we believe and follow Him completely, we can't water down His word to fit our own good feelings. His words are our path to Heaven. We can't have this world and His , too. This world pulls us away from Him, it doesn't lead us closer to Him. Serve two masters? No, that can't happen. Helen has followed her inner voice, the voice of God. I see the issues that have taken over good parishes and how at times priests think they are handcuffed to do much about the way things are. Maybe they were just taught wrong at the seminary,I don't know. I do know that we all must search for the truth, the truth that is at times obscured and hidden behind the mammon of the world. "I tell you, make friends for yourselves with dishonest wealth, so that when it fails, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings." We cannot abandon this world, God gave it to us. but we can't rely on it either, for it is fleeting, and only The Word is eternal. Trust in the truth , the real truth that lies within the Gospels. Search and pray that His spirit will fill the hearts of so many who have fallen away, religious and laity alike.

Help me, Lord,

remove the scales from my eyes

so that I may see the Truth

and not Your Word

obscured by smoke

and false light.

Absence of Trust

2010-10-28T05:51:00.006-04:00

"Trust in me."

Pretty simple words, don't you think? I always thought they were, simple, easy to live by. Even the ups and downs of day to day living most times don't seem to interfere with trusting in Him. With me, I do it every day, I pray, I trust in Him. Simple, right? How wrong could I be.

How quickly I can forget anything I ever learned, felt or loved about God. How the Sacred Word, passed down through centuries could mean anything different than it is. How could I think that my easygoing hassle-free life was a trial?. I've got a lot to learn.

I think I've seen the other side of people more in the last week, or to say, I've, no, not I, God has opened my eyes to see the strengths and weaknesses in people, but to what end? To bring about unease and trial in my life? Maybe. I don't know. I do know that people are put into the crucible for many reasons, some reasons never to be known by us. God's plan is His plan, not ours, and we are usually not privy to it. I'm certainly not in on his plans for me or my fellow co-workers or this shop I'm in. You cannot serve both God and mammon. Our shop is so production and money driven I hardly fit in anymore. I doesn't really matter. I'm content to sit in the rear seat and let others drive. The view is fine back here.

I've also seen decisions made in the last day or so that will affect people for a long time to come. Family matters. Jesus went up to the mountain to pray, and he spent the night in prayer... If we spend time in prayer, serious time searching for God's answer, we must have the strength to believe that that word, that insight is from God, and we're going to act accordingly. I witnessed someone very close to me do just that, and the answer she got was not a popular one. But she believed with her whole heart, soul and mind in the reply from God, and she has stuck with it. Time will tell what He has in store for her and her siblings. But the point here is, she trusted.

Me, on the other hand, when confronted with news that I don't like, that takes me out of my comfort zone, I turn morose. Even after being told how we must trust in Him, even after I say uh huh, in total agreement, inside I'm tore up. This one issue, I had tried to keep it out of my mind, just let everything play itself out. But I got excited over premature news, and then, a couple of days later when things didn't work out, I felt cheated. Aarrgh! Why do I fall when I should rise? He tells us to trust, and when I really should, when I really have to, I can't. Somewhere, deep inside, I must think I'm still in charge of some things. This just shows how deep that trust in God has to go. One must believe completely, without hesitation. Will I ever reach that point, that point where this secular world has not so strong a hold on me? When I can move more freely between this world and His world, when they finally blend together and become one? Maybe never. I know I must just go on in the not knowing of His love the love that is here, all around me and inside me.

And trust in Him.

Oh my Lord and my God,

I'm commanded to walk

in your ways,

to trust in your words,

but I turn

and my own path calls me.

Is that You, Lord

I hear beside me, arm outstretched

before me, showing my way?

Night Prayer

2010-10-17T20:24:00.009-04:00

Night Prayer
Reading

They shall see the Lord face to face and bear his

name on their foreheads. The night shall be no more.

They will need no light from lamps or the sun,

for the Lord shall give them light,

and they shall reign forever.

Revelation 22: 4-5

How to word this...

The reading above was from Sunday, the 17th, Night Prayer. H and I went over to a good friend of ours house, Barbara, a Third Order Franciscan like us but also an ex(?)-nun (is their such a thing?) whose order dissolved many years ago. She is still a nun to us, a very holy and devout woman, in her 80's. She had already done Evening Prayer, so we did Night Prayer. She told us that in some Monasteries the monks chant Night Prayer in the dark, having committed it to memory. I love Night Prayer, the darkness of it, the way in saying it it points so effectively towards God, towards prayer. When Barbara and Helen get together they like to chant their prayers, so we chanted Psalm 91, Barbara and I doing one verse, Helen the other. And we did everything slowly, never rushing, enunciating each word. Barbara has many tips and insights from back in 'the day', and she always shares with us. That night as she read the Reading, Revelation 22:4-5, slowly in her clear voice the words really jumped out at me. 'They shall see the Lord face to face and bear his name on their foreheads.' To see the Lord face to face. Just think about that for a moment. What will it take for us to get there, to see Him. I think of how far I've come on this journey and realize I've really not gone anywhere. The further I think I've progressed the more I realize, well, I don't know what I realize. I do know that, for me, complacency is my bitter enemy. Every once in a while I find myself feeling good, almost feeling smug, in my faith. It's like blinders have been put on and all I can see is the good around me. God doesn't want that in me, maybe not in any of us. H wants me to stay hungry, hungry for His love, hungry to see His Face. And how will we see His Face? Not being complacent. Not accepting our lot in life. I believe only by living the Gospel life will we have the path to reach Him. All week the Readings have been about discipleship, about how to constantly be alert and strive to reach the higher goal. When I feel myself just going thru the motions, just living in the secular world and not the world of heaven, that is when I must stop and look at the Cross. There hangs all the answers. He died for us not so we could live a half-life, or to ignore Him completely. He died to save us from ourselves, because we cannot go it alone. I, we, are tested every day. And we well know who is prodding us, lying to us and darkening our eyes. It is in weakness that I am strong. I know the Lord wants to entrust me, us, with more. He wants me to seek His Face. And as I do, and hope to find, then...

The night will be no more. They will need no light

from lamps or the sun, for the Lord God

shall give them light,

and they shall reign forever.

Together!

2010-10-13T15:05:00.004-04:00

26 years married today, the last 5 truly in the Blessed Arms of Our Lord, to my best friend, wife and companion on my journey, Helen. I am a blessed man! See our pic at http//insearchofmyblog.blogspot.com

An uncalled for whine...

2010-10-11T08:29:00.002-04:00

So it's Monday morning, I'm not feeling so hot, I'm still not unwound even from work last week and I'm back here already, I'm sore all over from working with Helen on the way overgrown hedgerow at the farm, etc, etc, etc, I'm whining inside, sort of. Break time comes, I start my readings. Then, from Medjugorje Day By Day:

Dear children, this evening I especially call you
to perseverance in trials. Reflect on how the Almighty is
still suffering today on account of your sins. So
when sufferings come, offer them up as a sacrifice to God.
(Weekly Message, 3-29-84)

How often, for me, do answers come unlooked for from the Hand of the Almighty? He is behind all. Let me say, I'm not suffering. I'm just whining, whining about a Monday. But I was brought about quickly, realizing that I have much much more than most people and nothing to complain about, ever. I will offer them up as a sacrifice to God, as I keep my gaze on the Cross.

...more will be asked...

2010-10-07T09:52:00.005-04:00

"From everyone who has been given much, much

will be demanded; and from the one who has been

entrusted with much, much more will be asked."

Luke 12:48

I thought of this quote from the Gospel as I was pulling into work yesterday morning. I'd just finished saying the Rosary and usually I finish with about 8-10 min. left before I get to work. At 5:00am there's not much traffic on the road so I use the beads. Most mornings I'm fairly focused and I'm able to pray and contemplate the decades as best as can be while driving a car. Some mornings though, other thoughts filter in, work, the night day before, whatever. Yesterday was one of those days; I don't even remember what was on my mind. But during those last few minutes I give to Our Blessed Mother, St, Francis and all the Saints, Our Lord and his Heavenly Father my intentions for the day. I didn't get a chance to do any, and that always bothers me. Then, for some reason (HA!) that scripture quote popped into my head, and it made so much sense to me. I think, even in my humbleness, I'm one of those whom Our Lord is demanding more from. It is not my lot to take the easy way out, not any more. Maybe when I took my Franciscan vows, something changed between me and God. I don't really know. Probably this, the more demands, are a loving consequence to that. All those people I offer my first Rosary of the day to, every one of them needs my prayers. And I from them. And if God uses my prayers for something else, so be it. It's not mine to decide. In my own way I'm trying to figure these things out. This is where the mystery of it all nearly overwhelms me. How can He love all of us, together and equally? How can any of us do Him homage? My Rosary intentions seem almost meaningless. This thought has bothered me since that morning. Tonight, though, the Reading, James 1:2-8, during Evening Prayer, helped to bring it all back to me. If any of you is without wisdom, let him ask it from the God who gives generously and ungrudgingly to all, and it will be given him. We are told over and over that God loves us. We are asked to love Him in return, with all our hearts, with all our soul and with all our mind. When will I ever learn to do just that?

Lord,

continue to guide me

even when I know not,

as I ignore the signs and wonders

You rain down upon me,

your worthless servant,

your humble wretched creature.

Francis

2010-10-04T20:30:00.003-04:00

How to speak about Francis...

I really can't, I will never do justice to him whom we follow, who leads us to Christ. At the 11:15 Mass Sunday, Fr. Toms' Installation Mass, he spoke in his homily about being a Franciscan, what Francis meant to him. Food for thought. Last night, at our Transitus gathering, more stories of Francis read by more Franciscan priests who made the journey to our small parish. To some of them, I think, Francis truly speaks in a deep way, on a deep level. Francis still calls to me but in a different way than 4 years ago when I began walking the path of Francis. I too, feel that deeper calling, as does Helen. Sad to say, with some Franciscan priests what they call the 'Franciscan Spirit' is not Franciscan at all. It's modernism in it's plainest form! Francis would never have put up with some of the liberties taken by some men of the cloth today. Maybe it's me, but the real spirit of the little poor man is one of humility and poverty, and a deep and abiding love and reference for the Holy Eucharist. I just don't understand it. I'm not going to complain anymore about it. Today was a beautiful day, spent at work, trying to do my best to put Christ before my co-workers. I don't know, most times the face I show is not His but my searching face, the one I wear most days as I look for Him along my road. Francis leads us to the Father, by just being who he was, a person just like you and me who by hearing His call and abiding by it, changed the face and direction of the Church forever.

The Little Flower

2010-10-01T16:43:00.004-04:00

"You know that our Lord does not look at the greatness or the difficulty of an action but at the love with which you do it. What then have you to fear?" - ST. Therese of Lisieux

This weekend is a busy one for us. First Friday Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament tonight, Nocturnal Adoration later from 1-2 am, our Knights of Columbus Pig Roast tomorrow after the 4:00 Mass, the Installation Ceremony for our new Pastor, Fr. Tom takes place during the 11:15 Mass Sunday, and to end the weekend, since we're a Franciscan parish, we celebrate the Transitus of St. Francis Sunday night at 7:00. Whew. The only reason I bore you all with this inane list of stuff has to do with the beautiful quote from St. Therese. She didn't care what she was doing, whether it was scrubbing the privy floor or washing the linens used in Mass. She performed all chores, and I'm sure all actions with the intent of doing them for our Lord. Think about that. To be in that frame of mind always, in what amounts to constant prayer, that elusive state we all seek on our journeys. I have many chores to do this weekend, some I love to do and some, well, not so loved. But the Little Flower reminds us, reminds me to do them all with love, with kindness and with sincerity. A few days ago I was blessed by God to be able to help a friend of ours just by cleaning up some leaves. She was so thankful and for me, it was only a small task. I learned something that day I'd always known, but kept hidden behind that wall; God is love, and if we seek and find Him, we find his love. Help me Lord and be with me these next few days, help me to do my best, to show Your Face, not mine, to everyone I meet.

Look This Way

2010-09-29T14:51:00.005-04:00

Truly I say to you: You will see the heavens open up, and the angels of God ascending and descending upon the Son of Man.

Canticle of Zechariah, Ant. Morning Prayer

I'll be the first to tell you, I'm not really sure what the above means. I have my own idea, but there's more to it than what I suspect. I do believe that angels are here, close by to us, in a world not usually seen but certainly felt. But can they really help us? Can they help me? Every day I swerve from my path. I swerve a bit, but don't leave the path. Why? I don't know. Are they there when the world pulls me to the side in any number of ways? They must, because I'm certainly not nearly strong enough to resist this world completely. Maybe if I truly lived a monks life, not this imitation thing I do now. I want so much to be nearer to God at all times, yet as each day of the week ticks off I seem to lose more and more ground. One step forward, two steps back. At times I think I should just cloister myself at work, be silent all day, talk only when spoken to. I know I need the discipline in my life, and right now I just don't have it enough, not when I really need it. Call upon the angels, especially our guardian angel. I do, when I remember. How bad is that? When I remember...

So I go on, every day, and no matter what, I praise and I pray. God gives me bits and pieces, His face shown to me in a word, or the gesture of a c0-worker. The event that happens just for me, like this evening, when instead of a quiet night we helped a friend in need, blowing leaves away from her house in the dark. For someone else, this asking and giving would mean little, or just an act of kindness. And for Helen that's what it is, just another act of love in a long day of helping people. For me, my first thought is, what an inconvenience! Can you believe that? And coming from a Franciscan. Off the road again. This time, though, it didn't take long for me to see how blessed I was to be able to help someone. How God is so good to us when He does such things! Nothing is by chance. His Hand is behind all, and I must be more aware of Him and His actions. I must look and feel for the presence of his angels as they fight to protect me from this world. I'm always striving for quiet time. Thirsting for something for me. Maybe tonight was one of those moments where He says, My son, look this way. I looked, oh God my Father. And I saw your Son.

Inside I'm alive

2010-09-25T17:59:00.006-04:00

We had our Installation Ceremony after the 4:oo Mass yesterday and it went very well. We had just enough K of C Officers (5) to make the Cross, so that was good. I don't usually post on Sunday, and this might not even make it today, but I had to (not really had to) send two e-mails out that were fairly important, so here I am, on the computer. This has been a grueling stretch of events the last 2 weeks. Three fundraising events in three weeks will take it's toll on a person. Not a real toll, I can't really complain, it's just that belonging to our council means the same 10 guys do everything. How do you spell burnout? I miss the down time with my Lord. I vowed to make more time for Him, quiet time and the opposite happens. How can I reverse my life to reflect my wants? HA! Selfish person! Crybaby! It would be so easy to fall into this frame of mind, many people do. I cannot. I am here to serve God, to follow His Son. If my days are not my own, well, for now, so be it. People ask for my help. Friends ask me to please do this for them...that for them How can I say no? Seriously. I said no to people for 45 years of my life. When I feel overwhelmed I only need to look to the Saints, and not only the Saints from long ago. I know a few people personally that help me through inspiration get through my day. And don't forget Jesus, who had the worst day of all. No, even if my days are not my own they are for my brothers and sisters, who find ways to use me to do good. Because with Gods' good graces that's what I seem to be doing a lot of lately; helping people do good things. Helping out for two hours at a pro life table, working at yet another event for the K of C, taking a couple of more hours at the upcoming 40 hour Adoration. I don't mind. I may look tired, but inside I'm very alive, for God has filled me with His Light.

Oh Lord my God!

You way is crowded with this world,

the world of men put forth by you.

My path, at times a thin line

that weaves amongst the darkened shapes,

a path lit forth with Your Word,

a torch held high for us to follow...

A lesson in Humility (again!)

2010-09-21T09:33:00.003-04:00

Here at work we're coming up on our audit date so it's catch-up time for all the paperwork that exists to run a shop, which, in turn, puts everybody on edge, including me. After yet another point made to me about a detail missed (by me!) I mentioned to my co-worker that I can't let these chastisements by others in charge of getting us ready for the audit bother me anymore. I take things like this way too personally and then take it out on the messenger. A few minutes later at break I read today's 1st Reading, Ephesians 4:1-7, 11-13. "...I urge you to live a manner worthy of the call you have received, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, ..." God is so very very good, and the words of His son always ring so true. Here I am having difficulty dealing with small piddly things in life, issues that I should just deal with not only professionally but in a Franciscan frame of mind, but I don't or can't or something, but here He comes, so subtle, so quiet, gently turning my eyes from the ground to see what is ahead of me, which is, of course, my brothers, Jesus Himself. I felt so bad for my actions but this time He didn't let me get away with just feeling bad. I always feel remorse after I act like an a$% to someone, but this time I seemed to just have understood it more. I knew I'd sinned. And in sinning, I'd thrown it all back into Gods' face. I remembered the Gospel from this past Sunday, about trust and sins, and how sinning affects everyone, and then trust is out the window. I read today's reading to my co-worker, Perry, and he just nodded his head. He's a deep one, Perry is, he understood immediately. Thanks for the lesson Lord. In humility and humbleness I accept your loving chastisement. I'll try to pass the lesson on.

...a little steam...

2010-09-16T21:25:00.007-04:00

Tonight on the news they showed the Pope in Scotland with the Queen and also at the outdoor Mass. This is just my opinion and I'm probably way off base here but I'm venting. I'll admit I didn't hear the beginning of the story, but I heard the end, the part where the reporter speaks about the recent tragic events in Belgium concerning the pedophile priests there and the 13 suicides. Absolutely tragic. Incomprehensible. I'm not arguing any of that, there is nothing to argue about. My gripe is the fact that nothing good seemed to be said in the part of the reporters story that I heard. It was like the footage of the Pope with the Queen and then at Mass had no relation with the storyline. I forget his exact words, and I should just drop the whole thing, but he (the reporter) seemed to dismiss the crowd as a bunch of curious bystanders. I myself doubt if they all were. Most of the 100,000 or more came to see the Successor of Peter, our Light on Earth. Can only the truth be found on EWTN? (I know, I know even they fail at times.) Like I said, maybe I'm all wrong on this, I don't know. For me, it all goes back to the same thing I say to my co-workers at least once a week; you either believe in God or you don't. You either believe in everything or you believe in nothing. Again I may be wrong, but to me there is no middle ground. I'm not saying not to question. I'm saying to have Faith. And to have Faith is to live it. Not to pick and choose when to talk to God, or when to show your love to your fellow man. You show your love all the time. I know their are co-workers we don't always get along with, or we don't like their attitude, their color, whatever. Every workplace has brother and sisters that we judge to be off.. And it's so easy to fall into the rut of dismissing them, or exploiting them. Almost all of us do it at times. But we're not supposed to! Ever! It doesn't say anywhere that you can do it every once in a while. Like I said, you either believe, or you don't. God is Love. Words again, said by us at times, mostly read by us, written by John, but not practiced enough by us, at least by me at least. I see it in work and out, and it seems the whole world at times lives the same way, by judging. The day in, day out, rhythm of our lives sometimes prevents us, isolates us away from the true path we must take. We must walk with more humility but with our eyes raised to heaven, to the Father. I believe only then with our gaze fixed firmly on what is above will we be able live our lives in Jesus' name here on earth.

Sorry for the rant.

The Wall

2010-09-13T20:26:00.002-04:00

We think we know God, know Jesus, know where we are going, or at least have an idea. I did. I seemed to understand where my place was, where I was settling into, well, sort of. It's hard to explain. I felt I knew what my role was, or maybe how things would unwind before me.

But again, I couldn't have been more wrong.

Let me say that Helen and I do everything together. We are deeply in love, with each other and together in our love for Our Lord. We professed as Secular Franciscans together, we pray together, go to church together, everything. You get the idea. What Helen is and does so much better than me is love. Her love for the elderly, the downtrodden, our brothers and sisters living on the fringe is an example for all to witness and follow. As for me I've always let her act as a buffer for me. It's something that has just evolved, possibly because I'm not as outgoing. I have a hard time on account of that inner wall that I built long ago, I don't even know why I did it. It's there, though, I can feel it. H has no such wall. She just is. So I've always had the luxury of her going first, and I follow.

Until now.

H is up at M.V. getting the house ready for renters. We have a very dear friend, C, very spiritual, very catholic. He's a retired teacher and he's not been feeling well lately. He's wanted to go on retreat, up to the Maronite Monastery in Petersham MA but with his dizzy spells he can't drive the hour and a half. I told him anytime you want to go I'll bring you up and bring you back. He couldn't thank me enough, and he decided that this past Sunday I'd drive him up and pick him up on Tuesday. Well, he called yesterday morning saying he really didn't feel well at all, and he'd better stay home, which was fine, we'll do it again sometime. He then asked me if I'd like to come down for dinner, he has a bunch of leftovers that he'll never finish. Later that day I found myself sitting across the table from a man I only knew from going to Mass with or when he'd host a prayer gathering at his home. Always there were many people that would call for C's attention, but now it was only me. Me and a man who's health is not so good, alone and needing the love of a brother. I have to tell you, I was and still am completely unprepared for what God was asking of me. I never realized how hard and high I'd built that wall. I'd always thought that I was loving my fellow man. I always thought I was doing God's will, following his Son. I know now I was not giving enough. I'm still not giving enough. As we talked and ate I knew I'd gotten it wrong. I began to see the meaning of to see Jesus in everyone you meet. I'd hidden behind the towering presence of H all these years, taking the easy road. Now God is saying Here is my Son. Can you help Him carry His cross? And I'm lost. I have to re-learn how to reach out. Not to just reach out, but to reach out and take their hand, to help them up. As we ate and talked I had to literally begin tearing down the wall, the wall I'd built to hold in all my love, to not give it away. I knew I had to give it away, but I'd not known how. I still don't, not really. C shows so much trust and love to me. After we finished and cleared the plates we sat in his small chapel that he made and said a Rosary. Just me and a brother saying the Rosary, letting our voices rise up to heaven. Lastly, I moved some plants in for him, and did another chore or two. We agreed to meet again soon.

God showered me with many graces this weekend, and in my hardened state I'm still trying to absorb them. My wall will come down, I want it to come down, it's just that it's been up for such a long, long time...

My dearest Mother,

You are the way to Your Son,

the one whose hands are strong.

His love will help me

unbuild the wall.

What was I thinking?

2010-09-07T12:55:00.007-04:00

Last Friday we spent the afternoon 'wooding', which is going out into the CT countryside, looking for wood. We don't have to look far. A small micro burst back in June knocked down many trees on Helen's mother's old farm, so we're cleaning up the property and getting free wood. I've been cutting wood with a chainsaw for the last 25 years, but Friday I committed a rookie blunder; I poured the bar oil in the gas tank and the gas where the bar oil goes. I was just finishing pouring the bar oil in when I realized my mistake. First, I swore. Loud. then I dumped the contents of both onto the ground! My second mistake. Then I kept swearing, kicking myself and beating myself up. Helen was sitting on the back of our Rav4 praying a Rosary. As I ranted louder, the Rosary grew louder. At times, I'm as pathetic as they come. These are the issues that get in my way, really send me off the path. I dwelt on my actions for hours after, and they still bother me almost a week later. Not that I did something stupid, but the way I acted after. I know what I'm to do now, to ask God for forgiveness and move on. The damage is done, and I'm sure I'll have to pay for it in the afterlife.
So this leaves me thinking; where is my Franciscan life when I'm pouring oil and gas on the ground? How is my decision to lead a life following Jesus, in a way a monk himself, set back and damaged every time a bump in the road occurs, leaving my desire to live a monk-like life in this urban world reeling? Our Lord keeps giving me these tests, (not a good word!) these events in my life, for what, to slow me down? That's what my family thinks, that God wants me to not cram so much stuff into one day, and they're right. Part of my problem is I set things up in my mind (I'm in control, see!), unconsciously even, but I do and when any deviation occurs bang! I become annoyed. I know what I have to do but most times I feel so far from knowing how to do it that in my mind, in the end, it's like nothing has been done at all. These miss-steps in my life are my failings, yet these are what Jesus wants from me! Our insecurities, our angers, our big ideas of ourselves, I could go on and on about myself. These are gifts we can give to God, to Jesus. I think I've come such a long way spiritually (ego!) but I'm nowhere, really. At times all I think I'm giving is lip service. My humbleness and humility gets pushed aside in this world way too easily at times. I will pray for the grace to see the strength the Lord gives me everyday, to see Him in my co-workers, to hear Him speaking to me as I read Scripture and sacred writings. I have such a long long way to go, but even as I finish this I'm feeling better. I'll try to not erect any more walls between me and You, O God of All. I thank M at The Mercy Blog and B at Barefoot toward the Light for they're great posts that allowed me to open myself to His Word today. And H whose love is all. Peace!
Blessed Virgin Mother,
You are always with me
even when my eyes are closed
to your love.
Take my hand and lead me
to your Son,
help focus my gaze on the Light
of Your world,
and not on the darkness of mine.

2010-09-03T10:07:00.002-04:00

No work today, a scheduled day off on account of the lack of work. In a job shop lately it's feast or famine. I used to get so upset about the lack of work, which means less money for me, but not any more. Before Celena left to spend the summer at M.V. she said something like, "You deserve to have some time off. Your getting too old to work so many hours." Hmm... I know she's right, but I need time off for other reasons, too. Our Lord Jesus said it 2,000+ years ago; You cannot serve both God and mamon. It has finally sunk in. And I've come to appreciate some of the things in life that I forgot about, didn't do for whatever reason, or never had the time for. Morning Mass, (and today First Friday!) being with my family, getting stuff done that otherwise never gets done. Today we're going wooding, a term conjured up by our friends Margret and Dominque. It means going out into the world and finding free fire wood! If you look hard enough it's everywhere, and Helen and I are bound and determined to use more firewood this winter. We've collected about half a cord so far, not much, but a start. So today until 'Earl' arrives, that's our adventure for today.

Lord, keep us safe today as we do your will.

Keep our hands steady and our eyes keen.

Protect those who are in harms way

of your powerful yet beautiful storms.

Amen

D.C.

2010-08-31T13:11:00.003-04:00

As I said in my previous post, Helen and I traveled to D.C. to attend the Restoring Honor event(not a rally!) Saturday. We left at 5:30 from CT and arrived at 1:30 or so at the apartment that was loaned to us, G and L and their two kids. A short 30 minute walking distance to the Lincoln Memorial, the site of the event. This was my first trip to our nations capital, and I was not disappointed. Downtown D.C. is really just like any other city, laid out in grids, old buildings mixed with new. After unloading the van and checking out our home for the weekend, we decided to make our way down to the Mall. There is so much to see along the way, so much history! I really couldn't get over The White House, how it's just sitting there in the middle of the neighborhood. I always imagined it as something else, I guess, something more set apart. Viewed from the Washington Monument it really took on the look of just another house on the block. That was OK with me, though. It seemed to fit that way.

We started with the Washington Monument, then down to the WWII Memorial. As I walked among the granite my thought died away. The history that these memorials signifiy, what they mean to the people who were there making the history and how me, too young to really understand WWII, how it fits into my life. Once seen, these works of man for men are unforgettable.

We checked out the stage area (no stage really, he spoke from the lower steps) and made our way up the wide stone steps of the Lincoln Memorial. With Mr. Lincoln sitting and staring out across the Reflecting Pool to the Capitol far away, I couldn't help imagining what is he thinking as he stares across to that great domed building? What would Mr. Lincoln say now, about us, if he could?

As we left we slowly walked through the Vietnam Memorial. Thinking back, one doesn't enter the memorial as much as it enters you. On that hot Friday in August the black stone etched with names is radiating a fierce heat that one feels all the way along that stone path. I knew no names. The wall to me is just a standing honor for those who fought and especially for those who died there. I could only stare into it's darkness as Helen and I walked along. Facing the wall on the other side of the stone sidewalk is a beautiful lawn, sloping up and away towards the trees. Small signs along the way ask us, with respect to the fallen, to please stay off the grass. But the most haunting, loving and patriotic sight I saw the whole weekend was a lone Vietnam vet, black jeans, black tee shirt, black leather vest adorned with just a few decorations, his face, bearded, a beret cocked slightly, this vet standing at attention in the middle of the fine cut lawn, saluting his fallen comrades. I don't know who long he'd been standing there stiff and erect when I saw him, but after a minute or so his hand slowly came down to his side, he stood at attention for a while longer, lingering, then turned and quietly walked away across the grass. I will not long forget that touching act of love.

I'm longer than I wanted to be on this post, I could probably write more but it's late, and getting off my point would be vanity. Stay clear of vanity always. So. Glen Beck. Let me start by saying I'm not a real GB fan, not in the way some (a lot!) of people are. These days, I'm not a fan of anyone, really. My heart, mind and soul belong to God, and with that longing there is no room for anyone else. But I do admire him, for he is to me a breath of fresh air in a world that is too heartless, cynical and mean. Those words cannot really describe how I feel about the world of politics in our country, and I'll just stop here. The event can be seen on you-tube, I suppose, and it was broadcast live on c-span, so I won't get into the exacts itself. Let me begin by saying I was there, so no amount of spinning by media folk can change what I heard and felt last Saturday. GB's message, to me it seems, is a simple one; love God, love your country, stand up for your rights, take care of yourself, help others, etc. Nothing that our parents didn't tell us as we grew up. The only difference is that a grown man is telling us. A man, who, I think, believes strongly in everything he says. I could hear it in his voice, see it in his mannerisms and feel it in the air around me. He appeals to me. I feel he is a humble man, and I like that in him. His ideas for taking back our future, his reverence for history and love of God combined for me into a way in which in my Franciscanism I could reach out and hold his idea of how things could be. His idea of how people should live there lives is not very different than the way I (we!) should live and are living our lives. He may be a Morman, but he really is a Catholic.

I don't know, some people may think this or that about him but I believe he's a straight shooter, and I'm glad I went down to be counted. I went down for my wife, really. She's been to Haiti numerous times, the March For Life, life-changing experiences all, and she wanted me to be part of this event with her. I really glad I went along.

Oh Lord, dark night is upon me

and I have written long.

My soul yearns for you even more

than when I greeted the sun.

Be with me as I rest tonight.

Prayers

2010-08-26T21:09:00.004-04:00

H and I are heading to Washington D.C. tomorrow for the Restoring Honor rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Keep us in your prayers.

...and keep them open!

2010-08-25T12:42:00.003-04:00

Our Secular Franciscan Meeting turned out well. Some background; We have approx. 25 members in our Fraternity, more or less, with three more going through Formation. Last night only 13 gathered, but a very vocal 13. We haven't had a 'formal' meeting in two months, with one meeting being our summer picnic and another was in the church for something I can't even remember. The average age in our group is probably 70. I'm not the youngest at 55, but near there. Sandy is in her mid to late 40's and I think she's the youngest. The point is, I think the older folk do better in a formal setting, which is sitting in an oval shaped circle in The Cross n' Crown. It turned out to be very, very good meeting, even without our Minister, who is stuck working 2ND shift for awhile. Corrine took over and did a great job with ongoing formation. And even better was listening and absorbing what all the older members, especially the women, had to say. They all bring so much to our gatherings, that I'm left in awe. They seem to be one step ahead of us with answers and experiences. And, oh yes, the spirit of Francis was alive and well throughout our meeting. When I finally got a chance to voice my opinion, no sooner than the first few words were out of my mouth the murmuring started, murmurings of agreement by everyone in the room! Everyone, including the people who were in charge that night were uncomfortable with the food in the center of the church, but their reasoning was because the back of the church was so hot (it was) on account of no a.c. there, they didn't want the food to spoil. In hindsight, everyone wholeheartedly agreed that that was a bad decision, and we all learned from our mistake. The whole discussion took less than five minutes. And I fretted over it for a week. A lesson learned here for me, for sure. I am not in control. God is. The Holy Spirit moves people to do the will of God the Father. I took the burden of my feelings of righteousness and went overboard. Why did I worry about this for so long? Why didn't I put into practice what I preach, to give it all up to Our Holy Mother, the Blessed Virgin? I'm still so far away from taking the right road when the fork is before me it makes me wonder if I'll ever get there. The teachings of Our Lord are a deep mystery to me, and even as He grants me an insight to the truth I obscure the next glimpse with my thoughts and actions. I can only thank God for the gifts he sends me, which I must recognize more. Family, Mass, the Eucharist, life, it goes on and on. Lord, open my eyes and keep them open!

Francis, be with me.

2010-08-24T12:34:00.003-04:00

Tonight is our Secular Franciscan monthly meeting and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm going to bring up the matter of having a food table set up in the middle of the church after our St. Clare/Evening Prayer last Wednesday night. I know me voicing my opinion on this will rub some the wrong way. We have a couple of headstrong people in our group who, granted, are on the Council of our Fraternity and they don't have to ask us (I guess) for permission to do these sort of things. They probably had permission from our Pastor. I don't care. You'll never convince me that it's ok to have a snack table set up in the middle of the church, no matter what is going on. I wish I didn't have to bring this up at all for the fact that I have a somewhat hot temper and my emotions usually end up taking over. I don't want to turn this into an argument between Brother and Sister, etc, but I'm afraid that it will. But I can't remain silent on this. If we allow these things to go on, where will it stop? Coffee and donuts in the church after Mass on Sunday? I know Helen wanted to say something but if she says anything I'm afraid that the people whose idea this was will tear her apart. I (and others) have a feeling that Helen's religious leanings are a little too far out there for them. Wear a mantia to church, hold a rosary during Mass? No, I won't let them go after her. I have broad shoulders, broad enough to carry another cross if I have to.

If anyone disagrees with me, please let me know. I've prayed about the event in the church and my response since it took place, knowing I must speak up. To me it's a no-brainer. At times the world (my Parish!) gets so far away from the message of Christ I (and Helen) can only walk away. Fast.

Francis, be at my side tonight

as I speak to our Brothers and Sisters.

Help spread the feeling of love

that you felt for Our Lord,

the reverence you found in your heart,

for the spiritual home here on earth

for our God.

Holy Men

2010-08-20T09:16:00.009-04:00

"In dangers, in doubts, in difficulties, think of Mary, call upon Mary. Let not her name depart from your lips, never suffer it to leave your heart. And that you more surely obtain the assistance of her prayer, neglect not to walk in her footsteps. With her for a guide, you shall never go astray; while invoking her, you shall never lose heart; so long as she is in your mind, you are safe from deception; while she holds your hand, you cannot fall; under her protection you have nothing to fear; if she walks before you, you shall not grow weary; if she shows favor to you, you shall reach your goal."

St. Bernard (from Saint of the Day)

Bernard lived in very tough times and not only made the best of it, he excelled. He did whatever the Lord asked of him and lead by example. He's still leading by example over 800 years after his death. I have to ask the question: Where are the Holy Men now?

I'll tell you where they are; You can find them in a parish, leading a flock that is quite possibly more diverse and scattered than at any time in church history. It is a sad but true fact that some priests have drifted far from tradition but yet, most catholics today don't even know the difference. We who have either re-discovered or never left the traditional ways can only look on in sadness. Holy Men can be found in the monasteries, some cloistered, praying alone and together, helping to hold the world from flying apart. These are the men we in the secular world hardly ever see; men, living together, living a life with God that hasn't changed much in hundreds and hundreds of years. Holy men all.

And then their are the semi-celebrity Holy Men on the airwaves. We know who they are and on a whole they are the closest thing we have today to Holy Men who are known around the country, and some, around the world. Our Pope is a very Holy Man, but in a different category than the rest; he's the Pope. And then there is the laity, who balance the world of men with the world of heaven, a balancing act made more difficult in these stressful times. It is not easy to remain focused totally on Our Lord and God when worldly matters infringe. The trying-to-be-Holy Man makes a remarkable attempt to give everything to God, his every thought and action, his complete love and all his doubts, but the world (satan?) screams at him, and temptations surround him, both inside and out.

We are all called to be Holy Men, and Holy Women. When the sun shines you-know-who seems far away, although he is just deceiving us. We are filled with the love of God, and are ready to love every neighbor we see. When the darkness comes, and the darkness takes so many different guises, I'll try to not fall too far, to remember our Blessed Virgin Mother, cry to Her for help, beg to bring to me the Holy Spirit, to help me to not become like I was before, just a man who gives into every trial as if I had no strength, as if giving into the path of darkness was easier and better than reaching for the light. I don't want to fall any more, and if I do I wish to rise again quickly, knowing that my Master has given me His Hand, the Hand that holds out to me His strength and His love.

Oh, Blessed Virgin Mother, I cry to you

again,

and again.

I ask you to call upon your Son,

Our Lord,

to help hold me before my fall

for He knows well my weakness

and my lowly nature.

Joys and Sorrows

2010-08-13T12:50:00.005-04:00

Wednesday evening our Secular Franciscan fraternity met for Evening Prayer, which was also the Feast of St. Clare. As I explained in my previous post we meet for E.P. every Wednesday evening, usually just a few of us. As we hoped, more brothers and sisters came, and even some non-Franciscans, which was great. In all, about 30 people. Now, I don't want to complain, I really don't, and I wish to high heaven that I just had broad enough shoulders to let certain events just roll off me, to not push my stress button. Some things though, cannot go unquestioned. After E.P. members of our council had a small table set up with fruit, cheese, crackers and juice in the very center of the church! When I saw this I actually felt a pain in my chest. To tell you the truth, I was embarrassed before God for this act. I sat next to Helen, stunned. She just gave me a look, and I knew she was fuming. I thought, if they had to have this table set up, why not do it in the back of the church, in the small area between the main doors and entering the church proper? As I stewed, what came to mind was Jesus in the temple, throwing out the money changers. Helen left almost right after the readings, I said hello to a couple of people, but felt guilty even doing that. Loud voices rose around me, another social event inside our church. Will we ever learn? Am I wrong?

On a lighter note, (finally) yesterday was the Feast of St. Maximilian Kolbe. H and I were blessed to celebrate Mass at St. Joseph's Church in Wood's Hole MA. The priest there is very Marian, and the only times I've been there I've been asked to do the readings, even though I've only been there twice. I felt honored but also a little embarrassed. I asked Susan, the woman who is sort of in charge if their was no one else to read and she said no, not really, whoever shows up on Saturday. Give me a signal if you need me, I told her and left it at that. Both times the signal came. How she knew I was even a lector, I'll never know.

Today is the Solemnity of The Assumption Of The Blessed Virgin Mary. Helen re-consecrated to Our Mother after Mass this morning. I knelt beside her in front of the Tabernacle as she recited the beautiful words, and my heart leapt as she ended her prayer with the singing of Ave' Maria. My reconsecration occurs in December, on the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

I pray I will be so loving.

Feast of St. Clare

2010-08-11T12:46:00.003-04:00

The hand of the Lord strengthened her, she will therefore be blessed forever.
Antiphon 1, Morning Prayer
Today is The Feast of St. Clare of Assisi, Virgin. The Church call it a memorial on the calendars, but in our Proper Offices of Franciscan Saints and Blesseds In The Liturgy Of The Hours (for use with the One-Volume Edition of "CHRISTIAN PRAYER") it is called a Feast. And for us it truly is being a Secular Franciscan AND our Fraternity is The Saint Clare Fraternity! This is a big one for us. Every Wednesday night we gather in the church at 7:00pm for Evening Prayer. Usually in the summer there is only about 6 or 7 of us who make it. Tonight we're hoping for more members to come and join us in Prayer. We posted it in the bulletin to be open for all (which it is anyway), but we wanted to make sure everyone knew. We'll see who shows.
The holy virgin, Clare, denying her very self and taking up her cross, followed the Lord
Jesus, the bridegroom of virgins.
CANTICLE OF ZECHARIAH
Clare embraced the idea of poverty and humility completely, following Francis in his pursuit of perfection in Christ Jesus. Her life of middle class nobility in Assisi would have been one of leisure and fancy, but she gave it all up to follow Francis, to follow Our Lord. She died to self, and never looked back. A holy woman whom Bishops, Cardinals and even Popes came to for advice. Today we celebrate the inspirational life of Clare. Today we contemplate her love of Christ.
Today we feast.
Peace and All Good!

Evil close at hand

2010-08-05T05:58:00.005-04:00

I've had a hard time even beginning the post. The events that took place only a mile and a half from where I work, the mass killings of innocent workers, for whatever reason or reasons have left me and many others numb. So many questions are running through my head right now along with images of what actually went down to images of grief. I am numb. this could have happened anywhere. Within a three mile diameter of Hartford Distributors are many, many

And that's as far as I've gotten.

What took place there was cold-blooded murder and an evil that is hard to comprehend. A man is forced to resign from his job, agrees, then pulls out a gun and coolly kills eight of his fellow workers, mostly with shots to the head. Lots of talk of racism, but that is no matter, not really. What I think I'm feeling is my utter helplessness in the face of such evil. What can I do? What can I do in my workplace, in my world, to prevent what usually starts out as something small from escalating into a monstrosity?

Nothing, really.

So many lives shattered, never to be the same. Such words that in the context of this event are used but are so small, so helpless. I was not there. I knew none of the people killed. I didn't know the shooter. But something was ripped from me that morning, maybe an innocence, I don't know, but something. This tragedy could happen anywhere. It's a fragile thread that holds us all together in workplaces, different men and women coming together to work as one and make a living. And then evil steps in. Why? How can evil raise his head so high that the Sun of Light gets blocked out? The answer I guess is free will, though it seems too easy, almost a cop-out. I get angry at people too, but never like that. I know God's way are unfathomable to us, and I mustn't bang my head against the wall too hard. I will continue to pray for everyone who lost their lives, including the one who pulled the trigger. And the families and friends who remain, I will pray for them, too. I'll ask God again for the grace to understand more of His ways, to pray for comprehension, and for the gift to accept that I will never understand, ever. I, we, are here to shine our small light into dark places, even into places that seem so dark, so evil. I will move on from here, from this week. I'll watch as one by one the victims are laid to rest and I will continue to pray, for this, that, and for what is to come.

May God watch over the souls of the faithful departed.

May they rest in peace.

Amen.

Challenge/Gifts

2010-08-02T21:17:00.004-04:00

How the beginning of another Monday can throw us off, especially me. I knew today was a Franciscan Feast Day, August 2, Our Lady of The Angels of Portiuncula, but morning dawned and Morning Prayer came and went and I did the readings for St. Eusebius. I'm sure it was because I was alone, Helen being away doing a changeover. Tonight was our Evening Rosary, so I went early and did Evening Prayer in the church, in part to honor St. Francis and his love for Our Blessed Virgin Mother. Francis loved the church of St. Mary at Portiuncula, having begun his Order there, watched it grow from there, and in the end, flew from this earth from there.

Francis to his friars: "See to it, my sons, that you never leave this place. If you are driven out by one door return by the other for this is truly a holy place and God's dwelling. Here when we were few the Most High increased our number; here he inflamed our wills with the fire of his love. He who prays here with devout heart will obtain his request, and he who offends here will be punished more severely. Therefore, my sons, consider the place of God's dwelling worthy of all honor and with all your hearts, with loud cries of joy and thanksgiving praise the Lord in this place." - from the writings of Friar Thomas of Celano

There was nothing easy about Francis life. He was constantly challenged by the temptations of the world, his brother friars and by Our Lord himself. Long hours in prayer contemplating the fate of his growing Order and the direction other brothers were taking it. Challenges, all of them. In todays Gospel, Jesus challenges his disciples to .."give them some food yourselves." And of course, for whatever reason, they can only shake their heads and say "Five loaves and two fish are all we have here." The Gospel doesn't say what kind of look was on Jesus' face when the disciples told him that. We can only use our imaginations and place ourselves there, maybe as Peter, holding the fish in his worn weathered hand, James with a basket with the bread, looking to Jesus for an answer. And Jesus, realizing that the time for them was not yet (but He knew!), shakes his head and smiles, saying "Bring them here to me." From here everything must have become, to the disciples, surreal; Jesus raises his eyes to heaven and says a blessing, breaks the loaves and gives them back to his disciples who run and give them to the crowd. and they keep running, bringing more and more bread and fish. Christ challenges them to have faith in him and when they don't he does the impossible, in truth saying, Look, see what can be done when you have faith in me! When you believe! The impossible becomes possible!

How often in my daily life am I presented with problems, when I'm challenged by this world, challenged by Our Lord. How often I turn away and try to fix problems on my own, that in itself is an old and tired life story of mine. Lately, though, I think I have slowed down some, and I've come to see that even with all the aggravations that work can bring, money issues and health problems of loved ones I can see great graces that God gives to me each and every day. Small things to you perhaps, but gifts beyond measure for me. And God has given me the grace to see these things instead of my being blind to them.

The other day I read an article taken from The Spirit of Medjugorje, Vol.15, May 2002. It was entitled "The Swap." The article explains that the swap is giving your troubles, worries, and intentions to our Heavenly Mother, while you pray for Her intentions-the conversion of unbelievers, peace in the world, priests, youth, healing of the sick, etc. The original message came to Ivan, one of the visionaries in Medjugorje during his prayer group, when Our Lady's message was "Dear Children, give Me all your worries, all your problems. Then your heart will be free to pray. And pray for My intentions." Last Friday my Dad went into the hospital for quadruple bypass surgery. I'll tell you, I was sick with worry. I could not handle all the thoughts going through my mind. He's never been sick like this before. He is the rock. But even he showed some wear during this time of trial. The night before his operation Helen gave me the article to read. I was tired, but I finished it and without much thought, went to sleep. The next morning on my way to work, right after I finished my rosary the full realization of the article swept over me. Our Lord was asking us to have faith, to give Him everything through His Mother, Our Mother, to love him and believe. I immediately gave up my entire Rosary intention, and especially to guide the hand of the surgeon working on my Dad, to Her. And then I just prayed a bit for problems that are so beyond me I cannot fathom, but knowing that my problems were in Her, and Her Son's hands. Today is Monday evening, and my Dad might be going home tomorrow. Like I said before, I've been given gifts these last few days, gifts of grace that have helped me and others in so many ways.

God is good, alleluia, alleluia.

O Mary, you lovingly receive the prayers of mortal men,

look upon us your suppliants,

be ever at our side.

Hymn from Evening Prayer

Summer

2010-07-28T12:37:00.006-04:00

The summer for us usually is not a time for relaxing and laying back, re-charging the batteries, etc. It's our most hectic time of the year. Tough to find is the quiet time to spend with Our Lord, a few moments to sit on a large grey rock and say the Rosary or to just think about the day. To survive in this world one must push on to get ahead. And so it seems. I know my mindset is like that at most times, from morning till night; this needs doing, plants need watering, a lawn calls to the mower, where you been? The whole thing can easily get away from someone (like me). Fortunately my wife Helen helps to keep me grounded, helps to bring me back around to the Truth when stuff, the everyday stuff begins to overwhelm me. I'm still under the way of thinking that I can take care of all problems first, and ask the Lord for help later. Very rarely do I, when confronted with a problem, take a deep breath, speak to Our Lord or the B.V.M, and ask for help or guidance, to put the whole problem in their hands, and then to listen in silence. My wanting to help sidetracks me to places I don't want to go, don't belong. Helen addresses almost everything in the same way; Lord Jesus, Blessed Mother, what do you want of me? Show me the way. She is so grounded in her faith and love of God that I'm like a small child, tagging along, who mostly whines and cries.

Woe to me, mother, that you gave me birth!

a man of strife and contention to all the land! Jeremiah 15:10

I don't know if I'm a man of strife and contention to all the land, but I think I am to myself. At times my internal world is so uneasy, a seeming battleground of tensions and images, that, where I not somewhat grounded, not focusing on things above, I could not remain where I am. I find the pull of this world, well, not strong, but perhaps overwhelming. It is everywhere, and to me, it is not good. When I do find the time to quiet down the inside, when prayer comes in its fits and starts, I long for a more peaceful life for the two of us. The long hours at work have taken their toll and the Lord is calling. Perhaps a life in a Franciscan community, or maybe start one ourselves. I place it in the hands of Our Lord. My son, give me your burden. Do you not know that I will carry you? You only have to ask.

Oh, Jesus, my Lord and God

I cry to You for faith,

the faith to give to you

all I have, all that I am,

and in return

to finally accept your love,

love so freely given

but one that I

have turned away...

...act out of Love

2010-07-08T16:02:00.007-04:00

A thought...

In order to truly be one with Christ, we must shrug off, no throw off the crushing weight that the world imposes on us.

We must become light.

To become light. Not an easy thing. In my life, in my journey to just be closer to Him, the becoming closer to God is also the journey of releasing this world. A man cannot love both God and mammon. God and money. God and this world. Why does He turn us so? That's a question I ask. And, why me? What did I do to hear His voice so clear at times? I know, nothing. It is only His Grace. Even in the dryness, I can still feel the vibration of Him around me. Why don't others? I became a Secular Franciscan thinking I would walk with more understanding through this world. I felt that following in Francis' footsteps would be a better way to imitate Christ, and it is, but for one reason or another, to me, the Seculars don't go deep enough. Even the word 'Seculars' makes me uneasy.
My wife Helen and I have been blessed in that God decided to bring us both back into His Light together, at the same time. We are inseparable, truly two become one. Together we share the sadness, as we see within our society and within our Church the 'smoke of satan' and the damage that it's wrought. I'm venting, I know, and I'll stop. But one more reflection, a positive one. From a great blog I read, Do Not Be Anxious, a post about Pope Benedict's' new take on the parable The Prodigal Son. A great post. At the end the blogs author asks, (I paraphrase) What have you done for someone today? and today I had an event that was so small but so natural but, in a way completely unnatural. I didn't know how unnatural it was until after. At work today my friend Perry had an English Muffin at break, but forgot to bring anything to put on it. I asked him, how you gonna eat that, what are you gonna put on it? He said, nothing, I'm gonna eat it dry. I finished buttering my wheat toast (my Wednesday breakfast) using only half my Smart Balance. Here, use the rest, I don't need it all. I didn't even think about it, I just did it. Thanks, he said. I went to my office and sat down and felt that trembling in the pit of my stomach that precedes when God is about to let me in on something. I instantly realized that He was pleased, pleased that I'd done something for someone without thinking about it, without expecting anything at all to come out of it, I just did it. A simple act of love from my heart to him. As I think about and pray about the whole small event I can see that God asks us to constantly make these kinds of choices and decisions every day, every moment. We react and do things all day long and are so caught up in this world that at times we forget (if we even ever knew!) how to act with kindness, top just act out of love.

Oh God, my loving Father!
Please hear my humble prayer to you.
Open my eyes but show mercy
as I see my faults before me
and strive to take the narrow road
that leads to Your Heart of Light.

God who is so near

2010-06-30T20:55:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. This morning's reading from Medjugorje Day By Day struck me so hard, it's been burning inside me all day. I'm just going to put it up and maybe comment after. Here it is:
June 30
The miraculous
Concerning the miracle of a fire that several hundred people saw burning on Mt. Podbrdo, but which did not consume anything, the Gospa said:

The fire seen by the faithful was miraculous. It is one of
the signs-a forerunner of the great sign (FY 10-28-81).

In the Gospel of Luke, we see the miraculous healing of a crippled woman:
Now he was teaching in one of the synagogues on the sabbath. And
just then there appeared a woman with a spirit that had crippled her
for eighteen years. She was bent over and was quite unable to stand
up straight. When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said,
"Woman, you are set free from your ailment." When he laid his
hands on her, immediately she stood up and began praising
God. (Lk 13:10-13)

Reflection: A striking miracle occurred in Medjugorje involving a forty-three-year-old Italian secretary and mother of three, Diana Basile. Multiple sclerosis had been diagnosed in 1972, along with total urinary incontinence, perineal dermatitis, blindness in one eye, difficulty in walking and, to compound matters, a severe clinical depression. In May of 1984, a friend persuaded Diana to join a pilgrimage group going from Milan to Medjugorje.
On the evening of May 23, she was in the church and a friend helped her to climb the steps to the side chapel where the apparitions were then occurring. From the records kept at the parish in Medjugorje, here are her own words:
At that point I no longer wanted to enter the chapel...but the door
was opened and I went in. I knelt just behind the door. When the
children came in and knelt down...I heard a loud noise. After that
I remember nothing, except an indescribable joy and certain epi-
sodes of my life passing before my eyes as though on film.
When it was all over, I followed the children, who went straight
to the main altar of the church. I was walking just like everybody
else, and I knelt down just as they did. It didn't actually occur to
me that anything extraordinary had happened, until my friend
came up to me in tears.

Diana's cure had been instantaneous. Later that night she found that she was no longer incontinent, and the dermatitis had completely disappeared. Her right eye, useless for 12 years, had regained perfect vision. The following day she walked the six miles from her hotel in Ljubski to the church in Medjugorje, and later climbed Mt. Podbrdo. (END OF REFLECTION)

To be honest, I don't understand how I know that Our Lady is appearing and miracles are occurring in Medjugorje. Years ago I may have been skeptical about the whole long running event, but not now. I have never been, and may never get there. A priest we know once said that Medjugorje is for the non-believers to go to and believe. We who have been so touched by Our Blessed Mother need no apparitions to feel Her presence. I apologise for being so long, and I don't know if this recounting of the June 30 meditation will stir anyone else but me. But this morning, this reading, along with others seemed to peel away a layer inside , as if a bit more of me became more open, more vulnerable, more humble. (Too many more's, I know!) Let me finish by saying, by asking us all to be more silent, to listen deeply with our inner self, to hear the call of Our God who is so near.

A plea.

2010-06-27T19:57:00.004-04:00

What a week.

H and I have been on a working vacation this past week, getting ready for the renting season an old Victorian beach house we have on Martha's Vineyard. We bought it 12 years ago with money H's Dad left her. Turned out to be a good investment. It's old, 1930's or so, (no one really knows) so it always needs lots of work. Imagine leaving your house on November 1st and not seeing it again until April. And then you only see it for one or two Saturdays a month, until you take a week off in June to make it spit spot for your first renters on July 1st. Tons of stuff to do, you can just imagine. But whatever, no big deal, we do it every spring. But being on vacation means each day starts out with Mass, with Rosary before and after Mass. Monday thru Thursday. (No Mass on Friday.) For me, who isn't able to go to Mass during the week this is a real blessing. A good friend of ours on the island, Margaret, is the founder of Little Children of Mary, a group led by her that brings relief supplies to Haiti. This is her 15th year doing this great service, and since the quake her efforts have been doubled. A very spiritual woman, very Marian and a very devoted to Our Lady of Medjugorje. She leads the second Rosary, which is very attuned to Our Blessed Mother. It is a great gift from God that He has surrounded me with such prayer-filled and spiritual women. But no men. In my parish here in CT for men to show their spirituality in anything more than Evening Prayer once a week is rare. In our Secular Franciscan community we have only five men in a group of over thirty. It's just the way it is. Men, at times have a lot of baggage that we just keep piling up on top of ourselves, so much until we cannot move or think straight. And then the crushing weight of the world chokes out the voice of Our Lord. It is so sad.
Isaiah: 55, 6
Seek the Lord while he may be found,
call Him while he is near.
I know that I was like the men whom I speak about once. Most of my life was like that. Hearing the Voice but never listening. Never acting on what I heard. Not knowing it but being chained to the world around me, the world of man and not the world of God. Not knowing that they were the same! God is all around us, they say, well, why can't I see Him? Because I failed to look for Him. If I hadn't let go of my inner chains (and they were chains, believe me!) hadn't asked God to just be closer to me, to open my ears to Him, if I hadn't been touched by his Grace I would still be carrying around the weight of my world, instead of God carrying me. What I'm trying to say is brothers, let go of this world, the sports channels, the ambitions for power, the darkness of lust. That's not what we're here for. When you hear His voice, harden not your heart. If you think you hear Him in the sounds of nature, talk a walk and listen. Look closely at everyone you meet, Jesus our Brother is there, return the love that He showed us on the Cross.
Love is the key,
Love is the key.
Oh my Lord and my God,
hear my prayers of nothingness
as I plead for my brothers,
trapped as I once was,
lost in the smoke of this world.
Lord, give them the strength
as you gave me,
to cast off the heavy burden,
to take on the yoke that is light.

...a deeper faith...

2010-06-17T12:45:00.007-04:00

My posts seem to be fewer and far between and to be honest, I don't know if I'll be able to continue to find the words to express this inner journey. On top of that each post I write takes me hours to finish, and right now at this stage of my life I just don't feel I have the time to compose a quality post.

But I like posting.

I like posting and it also helps to hear the different views that we have concerning our own personal journeys and others. In a world that's growing darker, it's good to see light shining, however dimly. And the darkness comes from the countless souls who are turning away from God. Never mind all those that never acknowledged his voice to begin with. I'm concerned, but what can I, or any of us do, really? We can give a good example, be true witnesses to the faith, and pray.

But to be true witnesses, how hard is that? At times for me almost impossible. I always feel I'm a good witness in my mind, but as soon as I'm in disagreement with someone or something I forget who I am and fall away to my old ways. I forget I'm Franciscan! I'm more concerned with the log in my neighbors eye than the wooden beam in mine. Today's Gospel. To maintain the Face of Jesus to all, to avoid the 'forked tongue', these are aspects of my life that challenge me every day, and I mean really challenge me. And I know why. We can do nothing without God. We cannot do anything alone. I haven't given myself up to Him completely, yet. How can I do it? Why do I hold on to control, onto my way of thinking, onto my worries about money or work or whatever? Why? Because I'm holding onto this world, that's why, and my mind isn't focused enough on the world above.

Matthew 6:24-34. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear." That is pretty radical stuff. But what is He asking us? What is God asking us? He's asking us for everything. To give up our cares to Him. To trust Him. To have deep faith. How can I give of myself so completely and still maintain the responsibilities of a father, a husband, a provider? I must find the deep faith. Oh Lord God, why do you ask of things I have no answer for? How can I follow you fully when I fling my own wall before You? Please, O God my God grant me the grace to tear down those walls, tear them down and never build again. My Lord and God, I pray to You.

To be humble...

2010-06-04T12:49:00.006-04:00

Today in Medjugorje Day By Day our B.V.M. speaks of humility;

Dear children, today I call you to humility. These days you

have felt great joy because of all the people who have come

here, and to whom you have spoken with love about your

experiences. With humility and an open heart, continue to

speak with all who are coming.

After reading this and the reflection afterward I couldn't help but see how often I fail in my search for my own life in humility. Being Franciscan humbleness should be almost second nature, and most of the time it is, as long as it's easily attainable, a virtue with no struggle. And I have come a long way in following the footsteps of St. Francis, and ultimately Our Lord Jesus Christ. But I fail, even as I write this I have failed, because in the back of my mind I'm wondering if anyone will read this, and if not, why not. What kind of humbleness is that??!! Some things in life take more strength to overcome, but I'm fooling myself, it is not strength in the way we think of strength. The strength I speak of is a grace from God, which we must ask for and then reach for and grab. Too often we (I!) complain and take the easy way out of a tough situation, knowing full well that in asking for I will receive but I don't ask, for what reason I haven't figured out yet. If we know God is there for us, why would we hesitate to ask for His gifts, to show our love for Him? I don't know. I guess I'm still mostly stuck in this world, and not striving hard enough for the next. And that brings me back to humbleness and humility, and lack thereof. I find myself making strides spiritually, and then dryness. But I believe the dryness, the distance from God is there for a reason, and that might be to give us time to contemplate what has taken place (in our life) and not to let a spiritual event slip away. Do not be lukewarm and Go deeper. Two sentences that I heard in Adoration months ago that I can hear today as clear as then. Two guideposts in my life. Sometimes I'm afraid of both those sentences, those, to me, sacred instructions from above because in following those to the spiritual end I'm not sure where I'll be going, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that road, yet. The more we contemplate God, the closer we come to Him, the mystery of Him deepens. The baggage I find myself carrying on this road is enormous, and it wears me down. Lord, help me to loosen my own bonds! Give me the grace of humbleness and humility to make clear the road that leads straight to your heart.

Oh Lord, help me to more clearly Seek Your Face...

The Rule

2010-05-26T05:50:00.009-04:00

Therefore,
let us desire nothing else,
let us want nothing else,
let nothing else please us and cause us delight
except our Creator, Redeemer and Savior,
the only true God,
Who is the fullness of good,
all good, every good, the true and supreme good,
Who alone is good, merciful, gentle, delightful, and sweet,
Who alone is holy,
just, true, holy and upright,
Who alone is kind, innocent, clean,
from Whom, through Whom and in Whom
is all pardon, all grace, all glory...
Therefore,
let nothing hinder us,
nothing separate us,
nothing come between us.
Wherever we are
in every place,
at every hour,
at every time of the day,
every day and continually,
let all of us truly and humbly believe,
hold in our heart and love,
honor, adore, serve,
praise and bless,
glorify and exalt,
magnify and give thanks
to the Most High and Supreme Eternal God...
Who,
without beginning and end,
is unchangeable, invisible,
indescribable, ineffable,
incomprehensible, unfathomable
blessed, praiseworthy,
glorious, exalted,
sublime, most high,
gentle, lovable, delightful,
and totally desirable above all else
for ever,
Amen.

EARLIER RULE XXIII: 9-11

I'm not exactly sure if this is a past rule or a part of the current Rule of St. Francis. I should know but if I wait until I dig around and find the answer I won't finish this post until next week, that's how bad I am. Tuesday night at our SFO meeting Esparenza did a wonderful job with the ongoing formation and the above was part of it. Poor Francis. The first Rule was lost, and when some of the Brothers found out he'd gone into the mountains to write another, they, along with Brother Elias walked up the mountain to the cave where Francis was fasting, and with two other Brothers was trying to come up with another Rule. They thought that Francis would write a Rule that was so strict that they wouldn't be able to live by it. So sad. Not much different than today, really. We as Catholics are asked to do many things, but a lot of us pick and choose the parts of our spiritual life that only conform to our way of thinking, or we leave out the parts that seem too hard to uphold. Birth control. Gossip. Adultery. The list goes on and on. God does not ask us to live His life when it's convenient for us. He asks us for everything, and all the time, and though it's very hard to do that, to live that life in this secular world I don't think people try hard enough, and some people don't try at all. The spiritual life is, to me like a path laid out by God, with Saints and Jesus, His Mother, and the Holy Spirit, all right there along the way to help guide us. In the end we mostly ignore them, because we think we know better. Tomorrow I'll start. I think this is OK. We're able to justify almost any act or thought. But we're only fooling ourselves.

Everything for God

2010-05-21T05:59:00.003-04:00

Upon reflection...
On a previous post I explained about the Facebook message and my cleaning of the toilets and how lives can go in different directions. It may have seemed as though I was whining about my lot in life but I really wasn't, but perhaps I was. I let a bit of 'the worlds thinking' to infiltrate mine, and my thoughts towards God. To stay completely on the path to God one has to forget about everything that goes on in the world, to die to the world, at least the things that influence our thinking. I have to put everything into God's perspective, no matter if it's attending a meeting, at Mass, eating, sleeping or cleaning toilets. Everything I just mentioned is a gift from God, He is in control! My life would be much better off if I just kept that in mind.

Oh God, my God,
when I seem to abandon you,
reach out to me, in Your own way,
to turn my soul from darker things
and bring me back into Your light...

Different Roads

2010-05-17T12:54:00.004-04:00

"I am your message, Lord.

Throw me like a blazing torch

into the night, that all may see

and understand what it means

to be a disciple."

ST. Maria Skobstsova

Funny how things work.

This past Saturday evening, a night usually associated with going out t0 the movies, maybe a restaurant, etc, you know what I mean, I found myself cleaning toilets. Not a completely bad thing, it's just something I do every other weekend for a few hours to make a little extra money. No matter how much I ignore money, (I let H handle everything) no matter how I run the idea of money through my 'Eyes of St. Frances', money is still something I, and we all must deal with. Our family is fortunate. I have a job, we have a great family, home, cars, our health, what more can a man ask for in the material world? Last year when times did get a little tough at work, (55 hours a week to 40, ouch!) I was able to pick up some extra hours coming in on Saturday and doing the cleaning and vacuuming. Whatever. Well, last weekend I found myself doing the cleaning late, I didn't get home until 9:30pm, but when I took a break and I was checking Facebook (yeah, well, that's another story), someone 'found me' whom I hadn't seen or spoken to since high school, back in the 70's. He was much younger than me (still is!), just a little kid, then, I really knew his older brothers much better than him. His whole family was very musically inclined and they ended up in Vegas in different aspects of the entertainment business. He told me about his brothers and sisters and the different bands they've played with. I didn't reply, but it was nice to hear from him and to hear about his family, all old friends. Later, I couldn't help to, not really compare, but to just contemplate on how our roads have diverged, how at one time we all had the same ideas, the same dreams. A really good friend of mine, my best friend in high school, did end up out there with them, working in the 'business'. If only Steve could see me now! Washing out the sinks and cleaning out the toilets! On the outside the whole situation might seem sad, but I know better. I know what perhaps they don't know or have rejected; that when one puts God first in his life, everything changes. You can't put God first and live your old life, attached and controlled by the secular world. I've realized that since my life is in His hands I'm there cleaning for a reason, for God does nothing without a purpose.
We just usually never know what the purpose is.
Maybe He's using my Saturday evening work, my sacrifice, for His own means. Maybe He just wants me to contemplate Him as I work, which He knows I do. I don't know. I do know that when I think about my life and where it has gone, where its' going my heart burns with gladness for the grace which He has given me, the grace that has opened my eyes and my heart to Him, and to His Son and The Blessed Virgin who is with me every day, every moment. I can only live my life in the reflection of Our Lord Jesus, following in the footsteps of Francis, whose example of giving all of oneself to God is worthy to follow.

A torch thrown into the night...

Witness

2010-05-11T07:15:00.003-04:00

In today's First Reading (Acts 16:22-34) Paul and Silas are attacked by the crowd, then the magistrates had them stripped and beaten with rods. Then after 'inflicting many blows on them', they're thrown into prison, into the 'innermost cell with their feet secured to a stake'. It's all said in an almost matter of fact bit of writing, but one's imagination (at least mine) begins to work. Think about it. Paul and Silas are probably proclaiming he Good News everywhere they go, and some accept the word and some do not. Folks gang up on them and at the least start pushing them around, but more than likely things became worse. Knocked down and kicked, thrown punches out of nowhere to the side of the head, verbal abuse, we know how crowds get today, we've seen it on the news, and I'm sure it wasn't much different then. Then dragged off somewhere to be stripped and beaten with rods. I can really only picture this whole thing for a bit. It's a wonder Paul and Silas lived through it. More than likely some sort of permanent damage was done to their bodies somewhere. But not to their faith. After spending the night singing hymns of praise, after God provides an earthquake to blow open the doors and break their chains they then show love to their oppressor by telling him not to kill himself, they are still here. So many levels of Christs' spirit is moving here in this story. But the point I'm trying to make is that Paul and Silas were witnesses. Paul particularly never stopped witnessing, and I'm sure Silas didn't either. And as we witness in this story, the power of the Holy Spirit turns the jailer into a prisoner of Christ, as Paul converts him and his whole family. Like I said earlier, the matter of fact telling frees the imagination, lets us put ourselves back in time to then, as we feel the blows rain upon our backs as rod rips flesh.

And they never wavered.

Last weekend H and I attended the K of C Wives/Widows/Priests/Religious Appreciation Dinner at a local restaurant. As we had small talk with Knights and wives it became apparent that what H and I consider Catholic and spiritual had nothing in common with the two wives who were doing most of the talking with us. Now I'm not going to get into a 'who's holier than who' contest. I am no different than anyone, a sinner am I, probably worse than them, I'm sure. I'm not going to go into what was said, you've all heard the same things we heard, statements that come from good people, just luke-warm Catholics. My point is, the whole situation made me uncomfortable, to the point where I just didn't have the correct answers to refute what they were saying. And when I did have them I was lukewarm in my effort to challenge them, to change their minds or as St. Paul and Silas did to proclaim the Good News to them. I was not a very good witness. I had the opportunity and I failed miserably. I didn't have that fire burning in my heart when I needed it most. I don't want to be the kind of Catholic that does only well around like minded people. Even sinners love sinners. I'm hoping I can find at least a little bit of St. Paul in me. This is something I have to work at.

Holy Spirit, be with me when I need you most,
in times of trial and wickedness.
Flood my heart with the light from above
and free my lips to do His will.

What do you want from me?

2010-05-09T20:36:00.004-04:00

This past Friday, First Friday, brought us to the 5-6am time slot for the Nocturnal Adoration Society First Friday Adoration. Next month we'll have the 6-7am time and then we'll begin again at the 10-11pm and rotate through. This week gave me two hours of Adoration, my usual 5-6pm at our parish and the First Friday at All Saints. I needed them both. On Thursday I asked Our Lord if it would be OK if I did some writing during my time with Him, and of course He said fine (in not so many words). It took me twenty minutes to compose a small speech for our K of C Wives/Priests/Religious/Widows Appreciation Dinner we had Sat. night. One of our Friars always sits before the Blessed Sacrament to compose his Homily, so I figured if it was good for him, I should give it a try. The words just flowed from my mind to the paper. The rest of the time was spent in silence, the silence of Him with me. Most Hours are spent me pleading to Him for guidance, What do you want from me, Lord? or asking help with a personal problem or who knows what. This time, just breathtaking silence. I have a lot of questions right now inside of me concerning a direction I'm seeking, but I never asked about that. And after the second Adoration Hour early yesterday morning I know that He has heard my inner plea and will reveal His way for me in good time. I am not in charge, He is in charge. I must learn on a physical and mental level to give my everything over to God. Not only to give it over to Him but to believe and trust, totally. I know all this on an intellectual level but to let it all go is still a struggle for me. But although issues occur in my life that are disquieting, He is at work in me, molding me, it's almost like I can feel it. I think the more I give myself to Him the more He uses me, if only for me to see more clearly. And the things I've been given to see, I can't even begin to write about them, I'm still trying to figure it all out. Needless to say, I'm beginning to be pulled more and more closer to the Traditional Latin Mass and the world of reverence that spins around it. I'll just pray and listen, and see where this leads me.

The Call (no, not that one)

2010-05-07T15:43:00.003-04:00

Just got the call at lunch on my cell; a wake tonight for a brother Knight who flew from this earth yesterday. This means donning my suit (Still too tight. More gym time...), and leading the readings that the K of C does for fallen brothers. I'm the G.K. so I lead, which I feel is an honer. I don't even mind the third set of changed plans for this evening. To give someone the proper respect at a wake, to send them off on their Last Journey is always better than mowing the lawn.

From tears to silence

2010-04-27T13:01:00.004-04:00

Tonight we have our monthly SFO meeting and this month I'm in charge of the Ongoing Formation part of it. All of us members are taking turns giving the presentation and I volunteered for this month to get it out of the way. I like it when other people do the presentation but I'm not fond of doing it myself, even though as Grand Knight I do a lot more talking before groups than I use to. Still not my cup of tea, though. It should last all of 5 minutes, with another 5 for question and answer. This should be the easy part of the meeting.
We have about 30 members professed, fairly large for such a small parish, and my fraternal Brothers and Sisters are really wonderful people, very spiritual. One or two of the women, though, and I shouldn't even mention this but it is true, well, we don't see eye to eye on some issues. There, I'll just leave it at that. I've seen and heard things that make me uneasy, but I'm always trying not to judge. Anytime I'm uttering a disparaging word about a brother or sister (meaning anyone!) I'm inflecting harm to Jesus. Think about that, for a minute. So here's hoping everything will go smooth. Our parish is getting a new pastor in a couple of months, Father R. moving down to Baltimore and a Friar is coming up here to take over, so I don't think any really new business will occur until he gets here. Anyone who has read my blog lately knows how I feel about the way things are going in our Church (all the reverence rants) and I'm hoping that when the new pastor arrives and settles in it won't be business as usual. But I'm afraid it will be.
Keep me in your prayers tonight, anything can happen when I have to public speak. From tears to silence, here I come!

'Nuff said.

2010-04-27T10:14:00.002-04:00

St. Louis Mary de Montfort (1673-1716) Pray for us.

Truth

2010-04-25T16:02:00.003-04:00

Lately H and I have been attending The Latin Mass at a nearby church. The priest, Father D, does a great job, as do the deacons and the alter servers. I enjoy the L.M., as does H, but I also still enjoy the 'regular Mass'. This weekend though, the parish that has the LM the hosted a Traditional Catholic Conference. Vendors were there, plus speakers, confession and ending with a Solemn High Mass in the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite. Sad to say, H and I had a wedding to go to in Latham, NY which prevented us from only seeing 45 min. of the first speaker, a late ordained priest (38 years old) from Brazil now living and preaching in Wisconsin. Only a priest for two years, he made more sense to me in 45 minutes than a lot of people (religious and non-religious alike) have made to me in 45 years. I have been very privileged that God has put me in contact with so many spiritual people just in the last 5 years of my life; and many of them have made deep and lasting impressions on me. But lately I've been exposed to many lay and religious who are either going back to the more traditional ways or have never left them. The Latin Mass is only the tip of the iceberg. I was 5 or 6 when the L.M. vanished from our church back in the early 1960's, I remember it but then again I don't. It's all so new, but it's been around forever. The reverence that the old ways bring feels very natural to me. And the more I read and hear about the changes brought about by Vatican II the more I'm filled with, I don't know, uneasiness?
I'm a professed Secular Franciscan, and that will never change. What may change or should I say is changing is the way I look at our Holy Church. I will still follow our Holy Father, but I will ask questions. Asking questions is not doubting, which is what I hope will never happen. I'm not going to make this into a spiritual crises, but I do know that something is at work here, and I don't think it's you know who. My wife Helen feels much more stronger about this than I do, but in her prayers she has heard that somehow we (those of us who believe in the old ways) are going to have some type of influence on members of the church where we are members, where I'm the Grand Knight this year, where our Fraternity of Secular Franciscans are. I love our parish, but the lack of reverence that I see is pushing me away. When at the ending of the last organ note at the end of any Mass the congregation bursts into thunderous talking and laughing, with no consideration of those parishioners who are trying to have a bit of quiet time after mass, and worse yet, no consideration of Our Lord in the Tabernacle, where all three priests let this happen, how can I justify any of that in my mind? I don't know where this new (or is it old?) road will lead me, but I do know that the Holy Spirit is at work again. What is in the Heart of Our Lord Jesus, who is our King and High Priest? How does He feel about the path His church has gone in the last 50 years? I don't know and will never know, as long as I'm here on earth. For my own part I can only submit my prayers in all humbleness and humility and hope that I find my way to the Truth.

...total plan of God...

2010-04-21T11:04:00.005-04:00

As the Blessed Virgin Mother speaks, from 'Medjugorje Day by Day' -

Heed the call to fasting because by fasting you will
ensure that the total plan of God here in Medjugorje
will be fulfilled. This will give me great joy.

As you know, Helen and I fast every Wednesday and Friday, on bread and water. Not bread and water in the strictest sense, but for me modified. The water is also coffee, and the bread (toast) will have Smart Balance and sometimes peanut butter. At night the bread can become pizza dough with a little cheese on it. Helen is much stronger, more focused than I am. I am a worm! I do it, but I struggle. It is a hard, physical thing that affects your body. You know about it. You can feel it, and for me, by the end of the day, I'm uncomfortable. All that said, on another level, apart from the physical is the mental, and that is where the real battle is waged, on so so many levels. Satan attacks us constantly, although some of us don't even know it. For those who have heeded the call from Mary, Our Mother, to fast, pray and say the Rosary the presence of the evil one is very real. For most, just a subtle touch from him is enough to turn a good person from a worthy life to one of faded light, which the rejection of God's word is. Pornography, lust, abortion, drugs, lying, the world around us is rampant with these and more vices, and satan rules them all. Jesus defeated satan at His Resurrection, but the evil one still prowls here. And for those who walk the Narrow Road his lies and deceptions ring loud in our ears every day. We hear and feel him, for he wants us not to listen to Her, the one who gave birth to the Son of God. She who was sent back to us by God to awaken the ones who still sleep, who have not responded to God's Word, which is Jesus Christ. That's why we must ignore satan, ignore the world if we have to, walk with head lowered if we must, and believe in the total plan of God, that is taking place not just in Medjugorje but around the world. If Our Lady calls us to fast then we must, even if we don't understand why. Fasting is not easy, but if one soul can be saved by my joining in heart, mind and soul, with Our Mother and Her Son, then I'm in it for the long haul. Months and months ago, at Adoration, I heard the words "Go Deeper", and I thought I understood those words. But God's ways are mysterious, and what I thought then is not what I know now. When I consecrated to Jesus, I put myself in His hands, and He does with me as He wills. Most times I forget He's even there, my worldly thinking shutting Him out. But He is patient, He waits for me to come around.

O Blessed Trinity, Father, Son and Holy Spirit!
Be with me today as I search through the darkness
for the Light that is you, waiting there for me.

...so many flowers...

2010-04-13T20:09:00.004-04:00

Oh, how God works, letting me know that I am not in charge. I finally found the time (busy night!) to write on different thoughts that have come my way over the last week or so. As I dug through my book bag I was lead to pull out a book I haven't used in a while. I opened it at random, as one should, and these were Her words to me:

"Hello My child! Bright and clean is the way I
would have your soul. This is how you should
look before my Son, but still you have so many corners-
yet you do not allow Me to enter! I ask you to give
Me every little patch of your soul. I wish to cultivate
it and make it beautiful for God, hidden to the world.
Be on guard not to parade your brightness
before men, lest you become smug and complacent
and thus remain in a state of illusion! I am greatly
pleased when you want Me to help you and you no
longer rely on your own merits but mine to give your
soul a lustre, so that before God you will look beautiful.
My child, so many flowers have yet to be planted.
Set the ground by your prayer and fidelity to Me.
I bless you."

These words are from 'All Through Mary, Devotion to Our Lady's Message of Mercy to The World', otherwise known as Mary's Blue Book. Truly God has blessed me, though I don't know why, I don't understand any of it. I do believe one thing, though; if we turn our hearts and minds to Him, He will guide us. If we give every moment over to God, he will be with us. For me, all of Lent and Easter, as it happened, this year, did not sink in. I think I tried too hard to find answers to questions that have no real answers. At times I stumbled, and was left wondering. Holy Thursday and Good Friday almost became too much, as I think my soul was searching and finding but my mind became dim from looking through eyes not seeing. Why, I asked, and still do, why did it slip away? It was similar as with Christmas. No matter what, it comes on in a rush and I'm left panting.
The Octave Week gave me a chance to look again, so to speak, to try to find Jesus where He is, with me on my own road to Emmaus. And at times, I did.
Tonight the reading from The Blue Book opened me up yet again, as the B.V.M. speaks to me, to us, once more. "...so many flowers have yet to be planted..." that thought I keep turning over and over in my mind.

Oh, Lord, as you gave us strength and graces
on Divine Mercy Sunday, showing me that the
Risen You walks with us every day, and Your
precious touch is there, waiting for us to ask.

Risen Christ

2010-04-07T12:33:00.004-04:00

During this Octave of Easter the theme (not a good word, but I'm using it anyway) is, of course, the Risen Christ. Now, I don't know where I've been for the last 55 years but for whatever reason the importance of not only believing that He rose but that we must seek Him always, and to know that He is here with us always, was perhaps lost on me. Seeking Him sounds so easy in our minds, so easy to grasp in the darkness of the night or in the quiet of an early dawn. In the harshness of the workplace or when dealing with a family issue or any and all of the situations we come across that make us uncomfortable, that is when the Face of Jesus is harder to see. He fades, and we are left feeling alone.

It must be remembered that as we walk with Him, as we strive to be aware of Him who is at our side always, satan is there also, for he is the one who makes us forgetful, makes us angry and confused at our neighbor. He would like nothing better than for us to forget about Jesus, let Easter fade like we let most holidays do. I was reminded just today to pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance and strength so I don't lose sight of Our Lord. These are specific actions that I must do every day because I'm weak, and during a normal day, unless I truly focus He does fade away, it's so very easy for it to happen. I guess a good way to look at it is to love God with all my heart, mind and soul, and my soul that longs will find its' way.

Come Holy Spirit, fill my heart with your holy gifts.
Let my weakness be penetrated with your strength
this very day,
that I may fulfill all my duties conscientiously,
and that I may do what is right and just.
Graciously hear me, O Holy Spirit,
and pour your light into my heart, my soul, and my mind.
Help me to live a holy life and to grow in goodness and grace.
Amen.
(excerpt from) "Daily Prayer to the Holy Spirit"
-Medjugorje Day By Day

An Easter thought...

2010-04-05T12:52:00.005-04:00

Forty plus days have passed since Ash Wednesday, and my journey of ups and downs (but mostly riding in the middle) has not really ended, but quietly flowed into a journey within The Journey, which we call the Easter Season. I wish I had the skills to properly convey even a small fraction of the joys and the frustrations that I've met along the road called Lent, but I don't and I won't try. But there were some moments that will stay with me for a while; the tenderness of our older Friar, Father J,as he washed the feet of the woman sitting next to me. That act of humility, right in the middle of the Gospel, brought my imagination back 2,000+years to when Our Lord gave this gift to his 12. My wife, for the first time had her feet washed and said it was simply beautiful, something she'll never forget. "You have to sign up for it next year," she said. And I will.
On Friday H and I were with the choir, so we had to go downstairs to Kiss the Wood. This year I felt such tremendous sorrow as I walked the length of the center aisle to reach it and when I went to kiss the wood I just wanted to hold it, to hug it. Our small cross seemed so large, so real! It was another what-just- happened-to-me moment, one of a few that occurred in these last few days. During the Holiest of Days one just has to be aware and open to the graces that God bestows on us at all times. The reality of our faith shone forth even in the dark hours of Holy Thursday and Good Friday, and our faith holds us together during the Long Day, Holy Saturday. We had one young man finish the RCIA course culminating in his baptism at the Vigil Mass and when it was time for our Priest to pray over him he called the other three Friars, all Priests, to come down and pray with him. What a beautiful sight, our four Franciscans, a single arm from each held with hand in prayer position, giving blessings to a new-born soul! Tears welled and ran freely from my eyes, and my heart was lost.
One more moment to share: Easter Morning as Lector I had the honer of reading that tremendous First Reading, but I didn't do it justice. I wanted so much for my voice to really carry the story to the hearts of all our parishioners, but in the end, I think I failed. I don't know. Too much pressure, I guess, put on by myself. Anyway, right after Mass I went over to pray in front of the Tabernacle for a few minutes and was joined by Helen, who had Cantered. As usual, within moments of the last notes ringing from the organ the church erupted in loud voices, laughter and general chaos. It happens after every Mass, like the ending of a sporting event. We try to block it out, but it's nearly impossible. Maybe because it was Easter and Our Lord was back in the Tabernacle, but as I gazed upon the golden resting place something happened that has never happened to me before. As I gazed I could feel, with 100% certainty, Our Savior radiating His love out to me, to us, Helen and I as we said our prayers of thanksgiving for the Eucharist. I could of knelt there forever, taking in His Love...

Good Friday

2010-04-02T11:55:00.002-04:00

"The cross will not crush you; if its weight makes you stagger, its power will sustain you." - ST. Pio of Pietrelcina

Lenten Reflection...

2010-03-31T21:03:00.004-04:00

I've been trying to write this all day but never found the time. Here we are on the eve of Holy Thursday and I have the same unfinished feeling I had last year; All of Lent has come and gone (well, almost gone) and I don't know if I'm any closer to my imaginary pre-Lent goal now as I was when Lent began. Last year and this year my hope was to slow my life, well, not my secular life, (I've almost given up on slowing that down,) but my spiritual life, that's what I really intended to do. The thing is, more spiritual stuff goes on during these 40 days than usual, more gatherings for Evening Prayer, an extra Mass during the week, Stations, Choir rehearsals, so by the time the weekend is here one is worn out from just the commuting. I'm not complaining but I know I am. I love the 2 nights a week for Evening Prayer, the extra Mass, I love all of it! It's just that at times I feel it might be too much, too much being offered. During confession last week Fr. D. said to find more quiet time to listen to the Lord. I haven't found that time yet, and although I try to stay in constant prayer it's very hard to do at work. Even as I type I listen, but I know I'm not there, my deepness is not deep enough. At times God seems so elusive, and in the quiet moments all I seem to hear is the hum of the world. I'm thinking that in this hum is where I'll catch a glimpse of Him, feel Him as he reaches down with finger or utters inside me a single word. Oh, God, I yearn for that moment! At times in this cushy life the daily world rails against me but I know I'm so much better off than most. But at times the desert stretches out forever, and they do pluck my beard. I try to be like Paul, someone for everyone but that pulls me so thin, and I can only stretch so far.
In these next few days I'm hoping to find some of that quiet time I crave, to be with you, Lord, during these most Holy of Days. Let us all pray for that slowing down, that time to deepen our knowledge of the Mysteries of Our Lord and God.

Surprise

2010-03-26T22:05:00.003-04:00

Thursday evening, at the end of Adoration, right before Father D Reposed Our Lord, something very beautiful took place; Father asked that we say The Divine Praises, which is on the back page of our missals. Let me tell you, this is a first. Usually our priest, whichever one it is, holds up the Monstrance and presents it to the congregation, kneels, then take the host out and places Him into the tabernacle. So for this to happen took us by surprise. My wife prays for more reverence in the church and I'm sad to say that at times our parish priests do disappoint me. Sometimes the 'spirit of Francis' can get in the way of things. I do think Fr. D has a different way of looking at things and the Reposing of Our Lord is one of them. As Father was walking towards the Tabernacle my wife Helen broke into "Holy God, we praise thy name; Lord of all, we bow before thee; All on earth thy scepter claim..." well, you know the rest. I immediately joined her, and I did hear another voice following along back behind us. I'll have to say it sounded beautiful and a fitting end (I think!) to Adoration. As these events unfolded before us Our Lord became a real tangible presence in our church. It was like in showing more reverence to Our Lord and Savior he in turn showered graces on us who were in his real presence. It's hard to explain, you really had to be there. And that's just part of the story of a long day of, in reflection, torture and attacks by satan, culminating in my going to Adoration and then our evening Reconciliation Service immediately following Adoration. The darkness and deep physical pain that I had all day Thursday was monumental; I've never felt so messed up, ever. And then this morning, and the rest of the day, nothing. Just a feeling of peace, which is rare on a fast day. I'm long on this post and rambling, but I'd like to thank all who reply here with your kind words and if you disagree with anything please feel free with your replies. At times God blesses me with moments of insight, a quick flash of understanding, which usually turns into a post. Today yesterday was revealed a bit for me, and so I wrote. Peace.

The Annunciation...

2010-03-25T12:44:00.002-04:00

This day started as the kind of day one just doesn't want to start. I woke up stiff and sore, even more stiff and sore than usual. Half my head filled with sinus stuff, which throws my balance off as I maneuvered in the dark around the bedroom. A splitting headache to go along with the whole mess, but I still managed to say my consecration prayer to Jesus through Mary. That is a given. And what a beautiful given it is, with no real thought of mine, a gift given from above that lets me praise Him and Her first thing in the morning!
And here's my point; That even though mornings come when we really don't want to get out of bed, never mind go to work, when we want to give in to a little inconvenience that you know will go away after a cup of coffee or a hot shower, even though we don't want to we do move about and start our day, and get to work, no matter what that work is. We say yes to something that is much more than just me, or us. We say yes as Our Lady said yes, we put our fate into the hand of God just as Mary did and we declare our obedience to God to do the right thing, unknowingly and selflessly as our Mother did so long ago. Today as I celebrate The Annunciation Of Our Lord help me Blessed Mother to understand more fully the mystery of your yes!, and in understanding more enable me to give more, give more unreservedly to my God.

Grace before lunch, Wednesday

2010-03-24T12:55:00.003-04:00

Oh Lord, I thank you for this meal, this bread before me.

I thank you for my job, and all the work you have provided us

and I thank you and pray to you for my co-workers,

past and present, keep us safe on the job and on our way home.

Watch over my family, Lord as they go through the day.

Bless us o Lord, for these thy gifts...

A note from the field...

2010-03-22T22:15:00.002-04:00

So much is happening, inside of me and outside, that's it's hard to digest it all. For starters, about three weeks ago my car died, the transmission gave out and with 249,000 miles on a car with a bad front end it just wasn't feasible to get it fixed. My son has one car, which he needs to get to work, my daughter has another (work and college) so my wife and I share hers. I drive it some days and other days I get a ride into work and catch a ride home with one of my co-workers. Things have worked out, mostly, and let me tell you, it is a humbling experience to ask others for a ride. So Franciscan! Almost like asking for alms. I wish we had better public transportation, I'd forgo another car altogether. H and I had grandiose ideas of re-financing our home and getting a newer used car that way but even going that route would have cost us a ton of money we don't have. So down one car has been a two sided coin; inconvenient in some ways but eye-opening in others. H and I talk about cutting back and in our semi poverty existence we're forced to not have much. My paycheck is pulled in many different directions, spread like the last of butter on many pieces of toast. But we were called to be Secular Franciscans and by the grace of God we will act like one in prayer, thought and actions.
Also, I'm finding that the noise of the world is unsettling at times, and I'm not sure if it's only because of Lent or God has manifested Himself in me in another new way. Mostly, though, I believe it has to do a lot with reading Sacred Scripture, which lately what I've been reading has really clicked in me. God and his works are to me a tremendous mystery that I'll never even begin to understand. God's ways are not our ways and to understand them completly is, for me, not important. I believe that the more we contemplate our God and His ways he will enlighten us as he sees fit. Keep the Cross ever before you. Yes, keep the Cross before you and put the secular world behind you, and that's what I've been trying very hard to do this Lenten season. Focus, keep focused by attending Mass as often as possible and while there delve deep into the Mystery of the Mass, the mystery of the Eucharist. My Lord and my God! He is there when we call Him, we just have to call him without the heart of stone. Oh, this time of penance, this time of Passion! Lord, help me to learn about you more and more during this season of Lent, and to stay more fixed on that narrow path until my time on earth is through.

Lenten Journey

2010-03-13T14:24:00.007-05:00

I will be with you Lord, today as I fast.
It is a way for me to stay with You
for just one hour.
Wednesdays' fast prepares me for Fridays'
and I keep Your Cross before me,
for without the Cross I'd let slip away
the gifts I receive
when I fast for You.

Oh Blessed Mother!

These days are dark but filled with light.

I ask for Your strength, to help me on this Journey.

I'm following Him but the road is rough,

I'm pulled from side to side.

Narrow is the path He walks

but He is bright and lights the way.

A Gift

2010-03-10T12:43:00.003-05:00

Our Lord has a way of doing things which I can't even begin to fathom. This morning brought one of those moments that, when they happen to me (which is few and very far between), just stop me literally, in my tracks. I've always had a problem with people telling me what to do, well, not really that but how and when to do something. I always feel that I know best, the "Don't tell me how to do my job" sort of thing. Since taking my vows as a Secular Franciscan I've been trying to live by the rule of humility and humbleness, and most of the time I do, (sort of) but when someone rubs me the wrong way I have a hard time accepting what they say. And if there is any criticism along with whatever else they are saying, forget it. I'm usually steaming for hours after. This morning though, I don't know what He did, He didn't even say anything that I know of, it was more like a turning of one's head a bit or lifting a veil. All of a sudden I knew that I wasn't in charge, I knew that in order to really walk with Christ I must submit totally to my humility, not every once in a while but always, that in doing so I would find something, some insight, some way to make the Journey easier. A tremendous weight lifted from me, not instantly, but little by little as the full scope of the gift He'd just given me sunk in. And with that came the tears and I had to quickly head to the men's room (funny now, not so then. My co-workers wouldn't understand.) After a couple of minutes I walked out of that men's room a different person. And of course I was immediately thrust into a situation where, before I probably would of had an issue with. For once I was able to respond as a true follower of Francis, a follower of Christ. Even as I write this I feel this inner glow, that's the best way for me to describe it. A valuable lesson, given freely from Our God today, taken with thankfulness and, of course, humility. Praise Him forever.

from 'The Little Black Book'

2010-03-10T08:15:00.001-05:00

I will meet the Lord in a lot of people today.
Will I recognize him?

Getting through the day...

2010-03-09T12:59:00.004-05:00

Lately it's been hard to find a quiet time, that hour or so when, during Lent especially, we can slow ourselves down and at least try to hear the Voice. For me, and I'm sure for many who work long hours during the week quality reflective time is almost non-existent. At night, after supper, shower, Evening Prayer, with the idea to calm down and try to let Our Lord in, to speak with Him, to pray, unfortunately most of the time in less than ten minutes I'm asleep wherever I am. How bad! We have a friend who's retired, a single man, who is always going on retreats because he can't even find quiet, meditative time. And during work, I find myself forgetting about Our Lord. The events of the day become too important (not really, but they trick me!) and that makes me sad. So I try very hard to keep Him in front of me, constantly in some sort of prayer, either to Our Lord, or the Blessed Virgin or Our God Himself. it's the only way I can get through the day.

2010-03-06T12:40:00.003-05:00

Our God has blessed us with shining sun and temp's that are climbing into the 50's here in CT. Our day started as we woke at 2:15am to make our Nocturnal Adoration hour from 3-4am. What a gift to be able to spend that time with Our Lord! H and I did Morning Prayer together, our morning offering in the wee hours. Then, silence.
Our Homily today by Fr. Dan on today's Prodigal Son Gospel was centered squarely on sin and its consequences. How when one gets trapped in sin how it's so hard to escape from continuing to sin, sinning over and over. And then when one decides to renounce sin, and after the sacrament of reconciliation, how a person is still very weak, how one's soul has been damaged by sin and even though our sins have been forgiven, it still takes time, sometimes a long time for the graces from God to work, to truly change the soul. Oh, the consequences of sin! Fr. Dan also spoke of our contemplation of our sin and the direct effects it has on us and God. It was an eye-opening look at sin, no sugar coating, just an old school Homily from a Priest that is so very kind, but pulls no punches. God is good.

Getting ready to head over to the church hall for our Pasta Dinner to benefit St. Mary's-Above-Rocks Mission in Jamaica. St. Mary's is run by Franciscans and our church tries to hold a benefit once a year with all proceeds going to them. I'm the pasta maker so wish me luck. Al Dente'!

Events...

2010-02-26T07:33:00.007-05:00

Putting up anything here has been nearly impossible lately due to time constraints, an avalanche of events that I'm still trying to digest and then write about and the effects of prednisone that I began taking for my spastic lungs which accompanied my bout with bronchitis. Yech!! I've been weirded out for the last 2 weeks but the weaning process began a few days ago, so hopefully I'll get back into better shape. One can't think straight on prednisone, so I figured I'd just absorb all incoming events and deal with posting later. I've made a major change in my life that has to do with taking on extra work (I'm not going to). In my feeling of importance in being the main supporter of our beautiful family I let my life get out of hand and ruled (in a way) by the almighty dollar. I forgot who was in charge, and needed to be smacked more than a couple of times last week to get it through my head. In feeling so damn important I lost sight of some basic goals, lost sight of the Franciscan Rule, and momentarily lost sight of Christ. When we are weak satan is strong, and once again I found that out. This time though Our Lord helped me to realize my mistake (I know it was Him, otherwise I'd still be ranting) and drove me that evening (Tues.) to confession. Thanks you, Lord, for being there, in the guise of a good Franciscan priest. Thanks for asking just the right question, for having me reflect on something else entirely, until you revealed the wisdom of your love.

Lord, why does it take us so long to let you lead us, let you lead me? And why can't I let myself go completely, to place all these burdens that I'm really starting to feel at your feet. Why do I insist on carrying everything and everyone around? These are my questions, Lord, to you this Lent. These are the questions I'll ask myself.

Trials

2010-02-16T08:04:00.010-05:00

Tuesday, the 16TH - The sudden firing Monday of a co-worker of mine has thrown me out of sync. Although not unexpected, it still came as a shock to most of us. Without going into details let me say that at times (most times!) he was rude, arrogant, sexist, racist, you name it he was it. But he was a good work friend, and I'm sorry to see him go. Even though I spoke with him about his actions on a personal level and as a General Foreman (I was his boss) He kept going back to his old ways, which just didn't fit in with our ways. It leaves me wondering if there was more I could have done, or should have. And I can't help thinking that his wife is going to flip when she hears the news. She knows how S acts and was always telling him to straighten out, your going to get fired.

Well, he did.

So it's like a hunk of darkness that settles inside of you when all this happens. The reading from Monday, James 1:1-11, how it is a joy to have trials, and to be tested in faith, produces perseverance. Well, I wasn't really tested in my faith but I was put to the test a bit with S, and maybe I failed. I've been waiting for him to contact me but he hasn't, he's texted and e-mailed almost everyone else here, complaining how he was shafted. Everyone here has an opinion but I've kept a low profile. Something (or someone,my guardian angel?) has kept my thoughts muffled, even inside. I will not pass judgement on S. We always told him "You don't need us to give you a shovel, your always carrying one around with you," in reference to him digging a hole for himself here at work.
Friday, the 19TH - It took all week to write this post and most of the uneasiness that stemmed from the firing of S has subsided, with the busyness of a workweek taking over. Even myself, I've gotten over the shock part but not the disappointment of the loss of a c0-worker. I'm probably just over analyzing the situation but I keep coming back to the whole event and I guess just wish the world were different. In a perfect world, this would be and that would be... but it just isn't so. We move on, we continue to labor, to love, to live our lives. An uncle of mine flew from this earth this week and his son, my cousin isn't even having a service for him, never mind a catholic funeral. Just burn him up and put him in the ground. So that's been on my mind this week. A week of trials, anger and reflection. And in the middle of the week Ash Wednesday. In a way, how perfect. Take up your cross, and follow me. I've got it Lord, and I'm with you.

From the heart...

2010-02-13T15:45:00.003-05:00

It seems that I post a lot about Adoration. Right now, maybe because of the time of year (winter in CT) or the time in my life, I find that when I'm in His Presence I'm able to slow down a bit to either talk to Him or not talk, pray the Rosary or just let my mind wander a bit. Most of my day is spent at work, and there is no real time (except for lunch) to relax. A crazy way to earn a living, if you ever saw us in the shop. I'm hoping to get through a few more years and then we'll see what happens. I know that planning like that isn't the best way to go but I'll just leave it at that.
This past week at work was one of those 'weeks from h...,' if you get my drift. Certain people bring so much personal baggage with them to work and the negative energy really affects us. This is a person I've talked about before and over the years I've learned to love her somewhat, but not in the way I should. I don't know if I'll ever love her the way Jesus asks us to love, but I try. Lets say it's a part of my life that, as long as we work together I will be challenged in love. On account of other people who didn't fill in for co-workers who were out for personal reason, sickness, etc, our workplace this week was a personal strain on many levels and on many good people. Thursday's Adoration came up and earlier in the day as I tried to gather my thoughts for my hour and I thought I had a good idea of what I'd present to Him. But I'm thickheaded and thick hearted, thinking (once again!) that I was in charge. When I got there I re-read the First Reading and the Gospel for the day and mulled that around in my mind for awhile. Read again from Medjugorje Day by Day and as usual, became disappointed in myself. Cracked open the Bible and read more about Solomon and his troubles. Other prayers, the Rosary, but everything seemed dry and just out of reach. I should know better that with me Our Lord doesn't really say much, but with last week's uplifting hours before Him I guess I expected more.
So at six I left.
Halfway home (it's only a 12 minute ride) I thought again of my co-worker whom I really try to understand, who carries with her so so much anger and bitterness, and I thought to myself (or God?) What can I do, how can I deal with her? and as soon as I internally voiced this thought loud and clear came the answer; With Love. Only with love. It was if He'd been waiting for me through the whole Adoration to ask that question, heck, maybe I've been waiting my whole life. And as He said it to me, straight to my inner self, I sort of knew what to do with her, how to use God's love through me to her. And that is to show the Face of His Son all the time, not when it's convenient, but all the time. Such a challenge! Such a simple yet devastatingly difficult new beginning. Because when we put on the Face of Christ, the armor of Christ it gives us new strength. The Face of Christ is to be seen, not hidden under a basket, but brought forth to shine for our hard pressed co-workers, a daughter who's struggling or a son who's searching. A Face to shine on a wife (or husband) who is there for you forever, two become one. So my Hour with Him that I thought was anything but fruitful bore much after I asked my question from my heart.

Adoration reflection

2010-02-09T06:37:00.004-05:00

I intended to start this post last Sunday afternoon but it didn't happen. By then my head was just too tired, and if I can't write my thoughts with a strong, clear inner voice I won't post. Everyone who reads my thoughts deserves my best.

Since our conversion/spiritual journey began a few years ago H and I have found ourselves volunteering or stepping into help, whatever one wants to call it, whenever Our Lord passes these opportunities before us. H does Meals-On-Wheels, brings the Eucharist to home bound and people in the convalescent home, etc. And together and separately we fill in Adoration Hours at three different churches, which is an unbelievable blessing. Our parish has Thursdays from 12:00 noon until 7:30pm, which H has the 3-4 hour and I have the 5-6. St. Martha's has Adoration from 6:00am until 10:00pm but that parish is having trouble getting volunteers to keep it open all those hours. We do the 6-7pm on Friday nights but we usually repose Our Lord on account of no one showing up after 7. And at All Saints Church we joined the Nocturnal Adoration Society because a husband/wife team for some reason couldn't make it anymore. With nocturnal adoration it's a rotating schedule and All Saints only has it on First Friday into First Saturday. This month we had the 2-3am slot. These middle of the hours are so special. Only the two of us with Our Lord. Very very quiet. Occasional car drives by. A radiator pops and creaks. We usually say either Night Prayer or Morning Prayer, depending. Out loud, to Our Lord. We pray a Rosary out loud to Him Who Is There. When I leave All Saints after spending time with Him I feel so full, and sometimes dazed. Any prayer in the very early morning is somehow different. For me, it seems richer, almost. The silence and no distractions, gifts from the Lord that say Come, speak to me a bit. What troubles you? What is on your mind.

Words that are not heard but felt.

Three plus hours of Adoration in two plus days is, for me, a very real gift. For the rest of the weekend I felt at times so fragile, but also so very clear. I was filled up with the Lord, and in His filling up He slowed me down, slowed my mind down a bit and though the feeling of Him filling me to the brim has somewhat passed the slowing down has not. Each time I knelt before Him it was as if He was saying something soothing, a wordless drawing of me to Him. Lately my quiet times with Our God has left me more aware, more alert, for lack of a better description. Other events happened during the weekend but they all pale in my reflection of my time with Our Lord. The more often I can place myself before Him, the more clearer my purpose for Him will become, that I truly believe.

Todays Gospel

2010-02-04T12:53:00.003-05:00

Today, one of my favorite Gospel readings; Mark 6:7-13. I'm willing to bet this was one of St. Francis' faves too. I remember reading in the Omnibus how Francis was so excited when there were enough Brothers to send out to different lands on preaching missions and how excited he was when some didn't come back! I couldn't help but try to compare (well, not compare, wrong choice of words!) but how we are first called to the Lord and then he sends us out, sometimes two by two to preach, (my wife and I) usually by example, to our family, our friends, our co-workers, everyone who touches our lives. And like the early Franciscan brothers some of us come back and some do not, not necessarily because of physical death but spiritual death. For some of us the Narrow Way is maybe too difficult, and for whatever reasons some fall away or grow quiet. We don't know why. I know a lot of people who have grown quiet over the years, accepting the road they're on to be the one for them, the path that will lead them to Him. I grow sad even now thinking about them, close friends and family members that I've had a hard time reaching as I'm traveling on my road, my journey for Him. Even though I own a home and cars and all the "stuff" that goes along with this life when I'm representing Him it is only me, -no food, no sack no money in my belt-trying to preach by example and sometimes using words.

The Presentation...of me

2010-02-02T07:24:00.003-05:00

On this Feast of the Presentation of Our Lord I find myself focusing on how we, like the child Jesus, are presented to our God everyday, not by our mothers, although the Blessed Mother helps us if we ask her, but how we present ourselves to Him, every day, every moment. Some days, the person we present is better than others. Today is not a very good presentation day for me. Things have bothered me today and since this is a very busy week for me I seem to be focusing on the negative instead of the positive, I'm trying to influence the day instead of letting the Lord influence me. The Lord Our God deserves better than this.

More prayer is needed....and humility....and humbleness.

Friday Fast

2010-01-29T12:26:00.002-05:00

The best fast is on bread and water. Through fasting and prayer, one can stop wars, one can suspend the laws of nature. Charity cannot replace fasting. Those who are not able to fast can sometimes replace it with prayer, works of love, and confession; but everyone, except the sick, must fast. - BVM 7/21/82

The intersession of Our Mother and the gifts from Our God are amazing; I was reminded of that today. As I was sitting at my desk at work this morning (5:45, yikes!) with my coffee (yes, coffee), I heated up a small roll H had bought for today, a fast day for us. Before I ate it, in my prayer I asked God to help me get through this day without too many stumbles in my fasting, to keep me strong and not weak minded, to just keep an eye on me. I'm not good at fasting. H can get by with water and well, usually just that until supper, when the menu usually is pizza dough with a little grated cheese on it. Me, I sort of cheat with crackers, maybe a pretzel or two, and really, too much bread. But my mind never really feels right, I'm more concerned with what I don't have than the gifts I do have. So, for me, it's a constant uneasy go of it, even with much prayer.
At 8:00am we have a break for breakfast and that's when I do my morning reading from MEDJUGOREJE DAY BY DAY by Richard Beyer. And there, just for me (so I think!) was today's message from Our Blessed Mother. In my heart, I felt a joy, almost a jolt of sorts, as I read the words. This is my second time through this book, which I read every morning, and I've heard the BVM speak of fasting many times, but today she made Herself known to me in this sweet small way. "I'm with you, we'll get through this day together," is what I felt after reflection on the message. I need that today, more than I usually do. There have been issues with family members and close friends that have been weighing on H and myself this week or so and it seems that with every step forward in dealing with these arising's everyone takes two steps back. A quiet weekend lies ahead, and I hope a time for prayer and reflection.
My day is not over yet, and the end of the month work hysteria that accompanies it has arrived and 4:30 is looking better and better. Holy Hour from 6-7 tonight is a blessing in itself.

Conversion Reflection

2010-01-25T12:41:00.003-05:00

What more can I add to the already fine posts I've read today about one of the greatest stories in the Bible, the conversion of Saul? Nothing, really, but I will say this; I can see a bit of Saul in me, not so much now, but from a long time ago and that period in my life lasted for most of it until now. Although I never had anyone dragged away in chains I still, in my way persecuted them, verbally mostly, but in those acts I'm sure I inflicted damage on untold peoples lives that I'll never know. Someday I'll have to spend a considerable amount of time in prayer about my actions and even as I write this more and more events of my past life percolate upward. The type of actions that are only burnt away in purgatory. ...what you have done to the least of my brothers... To say we are human is not enough, it is no excuse at all. It's only a way to avoid the narrow gate, the Way of Life. He said to me "Go deeper," and I asked him, what do you mean, Lord, what do you want me to do?

In this reflection at least one path has been made clear to me.

A regret...ending in joy!

2010-01-22T06:34:00.005-05:00

As you all know, today is the March For Life in Washington D.C. I was supposed to be there this year but I'm not. I'm behind my desk at work. Up until a couple of weeks ago my name was still penciled in on the calender in the inspection room, 'keith' written in black erasable marker. But then the doubts set in, and the first couple of weeks after the holidays found my paychecks pretty thin due to shortened work weeks and a little extra spending. So I thought twice, even three times about going, and came to the conclusion that I should pass it up, 'Hay when the sunshine's' now that we're back on our usual work hours, and try to get us back in the black a bit and catch up on bills. In hindsight (the best vision!) I see now who turned me, who brought those doubts into my head; the master of lies himself, satan. I should have known, should have seen it coming, but I think he struck when I was weak, he knew to strike then because of my feelings of sorry for myself for my lot in life. I learned a lesson from all this, well, not really learned, it was always there, but sometimes the weight of worldly troubles gets the best of me, which it did in the weeks after Christmas (why then, it's a joyous time!) and the father of lies found a way in and spoke. We're told to be on guard all the time, constantly, because "satan is out there, prowling like a lion".

So now I sit behind my desk, and write to you. But not in tears.

Yesterday at Holy Hour, 5-6pm for me, after my stumbling bit of internal yakking to Him, and after the Rosary, and in the middle of a prayer or a plea, the words "Go deeper" silenced me. Out of nowhere, He spoke. And in me, like with the spirit in David, a rush. And then the words "Do not be lukewarm". I was stunned. Stunned then, and still am now. He will hear your plea. He heard my agony over letting slip by the chance to March for Life, to be in solidarity with my brothers and sisters to protest the horrors of abortion. He heard my cries and in His way gave me comfort, and guidance. Go deeper. Do not be lukewarm. St. Teresa of Avila says that when God speaks to you your soul will know, and you will never forget, the words will stay fresh forever. Since hearing those words yesterday, in reflection and prayer I believe He opened another door, and He's standing there, one arm holding it open, His other arm beckoning to me, calling me, "This way!". I know now to never listen to those doubts, be on guard at all times, stand firm in our faith. I hope I'm up to the challenge, but only God has that answer. Where He wants me to go I have no idea where that will lead me.

But I'm here to follow.

Haiti (a reflection)

2010-01-20T07:01:00.003-05:00

This last week or so has not been the smoothest or easiest of times. With the destruction of Haiti on CNN almost constantly, and I've watched my share, I find the sorrows there make me, on top of all the other emotions that surface, very uneasy. I do not doubt God, and I never will, I'm just saying that when something like this happens, so close to home, where your loved ones have gone to on mission and spent time, where you know people who know people there very closely, where you know people who have spent the last ten years of their lives returning, returning, and returning again to build schools, housing, fish farms, plant fruit tree groves, to see most of this crushed in a matter of 30 seconds, for me, after the prayers, the novenas and the rosaries, I'm only left to reflect on the mystery. The whys we'll never know, not in this lifetime...

I can go no further, with words, with this thread.

I did finally come to the realization (I don't know what took me so long, in hindsight I feel pretty stupid,) that the our Knights of Columbus, Council 1395, should do our part in the relief efforts. So this Saturday I'm going to set up a little card table, a can and some posters and signs and sit near the entrance to our small local grocery store, The Food Center. The owner isn't a Knight but a very nice guy whom I'll occasionally see praying the Rosary during Holy Hour on Thursdays. At last nights Officers Meeting we decided to also offer a table during our Pancake Breakfasts for people to donate. Since none of us can get there to help it's the least we can do.

Even as I write this, a 6.1 earthquake has shaken Haiti.

2010-01-16T06:53:00.004-05:00

Well, it's Saturday morning, 6:52, and I'm at work. Wow! Not something I usually do, because normally our shop doesn't work on Sat., occasionally one or two guys, but that's it. Today, though, most of us are here, 15 or so of us, "haying when the sun shines", as thy say. When I'm home on a Sat. morning by now H and I have had lots of coffee, said our different morning prayers, and had a nice breakfast. Then on our way to morning Mass whoever is the passenger reads our Morning Prayer from the Christian Prayer book aloud. It's about a 25 min. ride to St. Martha's in Enfield, and that's just about enough time. It's something we do in order to get everything in on a weekend. The point I'm trying to make is that all week I've been mulling over in my mind about our comfort zones, how most of us hate to get pushed out of them, how at times we'll do or say unusual things just to stay in them. I'm just as bad as the next person, for sure. Being here at work today, I'm out of my c.z. for sure. And I have to admit, I'm only here for the money. So sad, really, because there is a big difference between getting out of your c.z. for a worthy cause then for money. I guess that these are the everyday crosses that God give us to bear, and to bear with a smile.
And then there's getting shoved out of your comfort zone because of an earthquake. Watching the whole sanitized version of the disaster unfold on CNN, no matter how hard I try to plumb my soul for an ounce of despair that a Haitian must feel right now, I cannot find it. Maybe in a way I'm becoming numb to it all, here, thousands of miles away. My comfort zone for something like this is too great, their ordeal is something far from me, and I can only watch and pray. To offer up those small prayers that I say all day to Jesus, to Francis, to The Blessed Virgin Mother, to God Himself, offer them up for the Haitian people and to ask God to hear their plea, to bring comfort to the suffering. I know that my comfort zone is here with my always, a heavy chain holds me fast to it. Our Lord asks us to break the chains that bind us, and so far I don't think I've done any of that. The deeper I go in prayer the more challenges the Lord puts before me, as it should be. Help me Lord to stay on this path, this path to You, that I may give myself completely to you in order to help others. Remind me again and again Lord, like you did this week in Adoration, how every time I looked up to You I heard You say: Come, follow Me.

Haiti

2010-01-13T08:11:00.003-05:00

Just a quick post for now asking for prayers of any kind for the Haitians around the world and in Haiti itself. The old cliche' 'unless you've been there' still holds true for Haiti. The poor state of living has just been made a thousand times worse. Helen has been twice, in the area approx. 10 miles west of the epicenter. She knows lay and religious there, and no word from them yet. Like I said, prayers are needed...

Todays Gospel Reading

2010-01-07T13:07:00.006-05:00

Luke 4:14-22

Today's gospel reading is one of my favorites; but this only occurred to me this morning as I read it. Just imagine yourself being there, sitting in the synagogue. 'He stood up to read and was handed a scroll of the prophet Isaiah.' And then he reads those famous lines-

The Spirit of the Lord is
upon me,
because he has anointed me
to bring glad tidings
to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim
liberty to captives
and recovery of sight to the
blind,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to proclaim a year
acceptable to the Lord.

He rolls up the scroll, and then sits down.

And then those electrifying words; "Today this Scripture passage is fulfilled in your hearing."

Just imagine being there to see and hear this astonishing series of events. How did it happen that He was given that reading to read? A wide mix of emotions must have swept through the room after Our Lords' pronouncement. ..."fulfilled in your hearing." How would I have reacted? What kind of a person would I have been back then? Now, upon hearing this reading a cheer goes up in our hearts - Yes! Hooray! - but back then? I don't know. Mad? Unbelief? Or would my heart have been moved, as it is moved now by the smallest phrase, a simple psalm line or an ancient song?

I'll never know, but I can dream...

A thought on humility..

2010-01-05T13:53:00.002-05:00

Let me say this; God does shower us with Graces. When He wants and with no reward to or for us, He just does. That's all I can say, because no matter how much I think about it, pray about it or try to talk about it no sense can be made of it (to me, that is.) I'm just trying to accept it, which is hard for me. My mindset is too tightly wound at times, preventing me from seeing those Graces. In these weeks after the Birth of Our Lord I've been made more aware of Him in my lowly life, and it truly is amazing. Probably because of Christmas and the realization of how vulnerable the child was, and the humbleness of the Holy Family that Our Lord decided to turn my head just a little, just enough to say Look! This is humbleness. This is humility. During my formation period in the S.F.O. I thought I had a good idea about those traits of character that were the bedrock of Christ on Earth. Only now I realize not as clearly as I thought. I liked the idea of humility and humbleness but never really knew how to achieve it.

He may have given me a ray of hope.

Tonight is our K of C Dinner Meeting, and I'm actually going into this meeting with positive ideas instead of dread. Positive ideas given to me in a kernel of truth by The Lord.

A reflection...

2009-12-28T12:40:00.007-05:00

Well, there ended up being no time found to post when I wanted to say something and then when I had time, my mind was cooked. But that's OK. The end of Advent/Beginning of Christmas was busy, but at times, blessedly enveloped in silence. Even when we were singing in the choir at the Vigil Mass on Christmas Eve I tried to let silence rule. In between songs, just the reflection of the Baby Jesus in the womb. Not easy. I feel that Mass is sometimes the hardest place to focus in on Our Lord. Just too many distractions, but that's another issue, another post. Concerning the Choir, every year H and I say this is it, no more Folk Choir and regular Choir singing at the holidays, but we end up doing it anyway. We're asked, and we feel guilty saying no! At least H can sing, I just squawk along and try. But Lida keeps asking me back, so I can't say no, can I? I always equate it with Our Lord asking. Who can say no to someone or something that is good for one and all but pushes us out of our comfort zone a bit? I can't, not any more. The comfort zone was a topic in our meditation yesterday at our Secular Franciscan Christmas Gathering. Let me say right first, our gathering was just that, a gathering of brothers and sisters of like mind, devoted to living the Gospel and following in Our Lord's footsteps wherever that may lead. It felt really good to be there, breaking bread and praying together. At our monthly meetings there is always work to do, and even after the meeting proper, when we have a little snack, about half of our group has to leave on account of time constraints. So yesterday was a day to just relax and chat, to enjoy each other's company and rejoice in so many blessings that have been given to us. That said, in our group of about 25 or so there are two or three strong personalities that, at times, well, what can I say, strong personalities are just that; strong. Yesterday they weren't there, and the gathering took on a decidedly different feel. Our hostess, Marilyn steped in for the reading and reflection, and it was beautiful. Our Minister, Rich, played his guitar quietly in the background. The sun broke through the grey overcast and streamed in through the windows with that slanted and weak winter brightness. Some spoke of Francis, others of Our Blessed Mother, and I think we all felt the presence of Jesus there.
I know for myself, my comfort zone was nudged big time when I became Grand Knight for our K of C Council 1395. I don't consider myself G.K. material, didn't have any aspirations for it and tried to stay clear of the one-man committee that was trying to find a worthy G.K. But as I believe, God, when he wants us for something, he knocks on that door, and keeps knocking, nudging, until we let him in. It was good to hear others speak of their experiences this way, and in that, knowing we are not alone in our dealings with God. As I write this I see more clearly how we must let God lead us, to almost shout the phrase that has been sung so many times before; Lord, show me the way! Show me Your Will that I may do it!

Christmas Eve Day

2009-12-24T11:55:00.003-05:00

Hopefully I'll find time this Christmas weekend to post. A lot has gone on during this Advent, almost too much. Isn't that always the way this time of year? The secular world nudges in no matter how hard we try to keep it out. And we really don't want to keep it out completely, we just are trying to keep focused. And that can be very hard unless one lives in a cave. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad...

Merry and Blessed Christmas, and thanks for all the exchange of ideas during this year!

Peace to all as we await the Lord!

A reflection...

2009-12-16T08:14:00.004-05:00

A wonderful reflection today in Medjugorje Day By Day.

C. S. Lewis...wrote that "Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbor, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ is vere latitat-truly hidden."
In this sense the love of neighbor is parallel to the love of God; we cannot love one without the other since they are inseparable-the vine and the branches, the Mystical Body of Christ.

Reflect of the words of St. Teresa of Avila: "Though we do not have Our Lord with us in the bodily presence, we have our neighbor, who, for the ends of love and loving service, is as good as Our Lord himself."

I just wanted to share that with everyone. It seems that in these days of Advent I know I myself, in prayer, have felt, seen and heard many gifts given to me by Our God, for me, more than ever before. It seems every time I turn He is there, though not in plain sight, he is there watching to see if I saw, if I caught the glimpse, or felt His touch.

Our God is a wonderful God.

Confession

2009-12-11T06:37:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, being Thursday is our day of Adoration in our parish. I have the 5-6pm hour, which gives me just enough time to get there after work. After Sister Barbara left about 5:10 I was alone with Our Lord. For the beautiful silence in there it could have been midnight. Only the creaks and groans of an old church. During this Advent season the Friars are offering Confession from 6:30-7:30, after which Our Lord is returned to the Tabernacle. This Saturday, on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe I will re-consecrate to Our Lord Jesus through Mary for the third year in a row, so having confession available was truly a God-send. I've been thinking lately about Confession, and how last Sat. with a priest who hasn't heard my confession before I sort of froze up, and never got to the place where I wanted to go, to confess a different level, you might say, of my sinful life. I just ended up repeating the same round of sins as usual, the same repeatable sins that I do week in and week out. I don't know, but I think I may have these sins, to some degree, the rest of my working life, because I relate these sins to my work place, the place where I am 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. I struggle with these sins, pray about them, gain on them and then, they overtake me again. A constant battle, but the Lord has granted me the gift to know that these sins, these challenges are my cross to carry for Him, my road to travel to Him.
In Confession I think Fr. R. was able to understand somewhat where I was going in explaining the reason why I wanted him to be more firm with me and not fall back on the mantra "Your too hard on yourself!" I'm done with that penance. I need to hear it from a Priest, from Jesus-on- earth that when you daydream during Evening Prayer that is wrong, don't do it, focus on the incense rising to Heaven. That even though one tries to do three Rosaries' a day, if not even one is done truly from the heart then why bother? These human frailties bother me, and I hope Fr. R understood, I think he did but more importantly do I understand what He wants of me, or am I just listening to myself, dreaming of what I'd like to be.

Andrew, my Guardian Angel

2009-11-30T10:19:00.006-05:00

Today is the Feast of St. Andrew, which is my middle name, my Dad's name and also the name of my Guardian Angel. How do I know that, you ask? Well, two years ago we were out at Franciscan University in Ohio, visiting our son. If you've never been there it's worth going to if your in the area. For myself, I can truly say that on that campus I felt the real presence of God every time we were there. He is in the buildings, on the grounds, with the Franciscan priests, the brothers and sisters but especially with the students. It's quite a place. The have a beautiful replica of the Portiunculla, the first church that Francis rebuild, and very near to that chapel is a Memorial to the Unborn. H and I always spend time there, sitting on one of the stone benches,
each with our own thoughts. On that occasion, in a great overcoming rush of memory, I remembered that in my previous life, now far back in a time I can't believe at times it actually was, my first wife became pregnant, and she had an abortion. Our baby, and she had the abortion. And I let it happen. Then, as even now, in times of stress, I'm not very good. I usually either freak out, yelling, saying things I shouldn't, emotions running rampant, sense out the window. Or I clam up and hide in myself for a while, hide until someone else takes care of the problem or it goes away. I remember doing just that, I can still remember the numb feeling that settled in. Her Mother even helped her. It was bizarre. I put the whole thing away, put it away in one of those dark chinks we all have just for those occasions. Until Our Lord brought it back for me on that warm October afternoon, sitting on the smooth stone bench, as I gazed at dried red roses that someone had left, the many sets of rosary beads draped across the headstone, the small candles flickering. He let it come back with the strength of a freight train, no holding back, Our Lord saying here, here is a gentle reminder of what man can do, what we do do every day, what I did back then. And it hurt. I had never felt that hurt, never had anyone snatched away like that and I let it happen and he/she was gone. I will always carry with me that tremendously sad howl that came from that dark chink where I'd stored that memory. I'll remember both days, the day I wanted to forget and the day I remembered forever.

And after I'd calmed down, after prayer, after H held me and didn't say a word, all of a sudden he was just there, and I knew with 100% certainty that he'd been there forever, my Guardian Angel, right next to me. I felt God's love coming from him, he felt so familiar and I knew his name was Andrew. In his own G.A way he was saying hey, I'm here, I'm yours, ask me and I'll help.

Andrew has been busy hanging with Helen, whose been battling a possible case of Dengue Fever. By the look of things, he helped.

Adoration

2009-11-27T20:54:00.003-05:00

Okay, I admit, I was wrong. Dengue Fever is the correct name, and it is a mosquito borne virus which is non-treatable and lasts about a week. Ignore most of my last post. H had just about everything that most internet sites explained it as, plus it really puts a strain on your liver. Dr. S. called late today and said to only eat bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. Those foods the liver has not quite such a hard time breaking down. H has been eating tiny bit s of everything but what's on that food list, hence the upset stomach and the constant burping.

The road to recovery is taken with baby steps...

H and I signed up for an hour of Adoration at St. Martha's Church in Enfield. This church has a beautiful Latin Rite Mass every Sunday at noon. They've had a small adoration chapel for the last 27 years but at the last Mass we went to the group of parishioners who oversee the scheduling had a table set to sign up anyone who could take an hour or more. The Friday night from 6-7 was open, so we took it. Who wants Friday night from 6-7? Not too many people, by the looks of it. We thought it a good Franciscan thing to do, take the hour that nobody wants. Although we've been to Adoration there many times this was our first night with the 6-7 slot. H couldn't go but she said go, I'll be fine, so I went. Four people there but at 6:05 I was the only one left. And it stayed that way for the whole hour I was there. Just me, the wind outside the window and Our Lord, about five feet away from me. After my readings and prayers it was just one on one, He and I, in the quiet of that room. It was, I feel, the most peaceful and uplifting Adoration Hour I've ever spent. If H wasn't home so sick I would have spent another hour there with Him. At 7:00 no one showed, and by 7:15 I decided to follow the directions on the back of the door for reposing Our Lord. That in itself, although just entailing blowing out four candles, reposing Our Lord and locking the door will always be remembered by me in a special way. I did something special for him. I helped put Our Lord to bed, one might say. For me, it was something especially moving, especially beautiful.

Update #2

2009-11-27T12:27:00.002-05:00

After more blood work done this morning Dr. S. phoned with the results: White and red cell count both up, with the white doubling from the last tests (wed.). At that moment he was leaning towards some sort of Hepatitis. Then, 10 minutes later Margaret called to tell us that 16 year old Patrick, who had gone to Haiti with the group was in Mass General diagnosed with Dun gay Fever. Helen immediately called Dr. S. back and he said yes, it all might be making more sense. He said he's going to stop the Hep. tests and focus on the Dun gay Fever tests. One catches this fever from breathing the dust from the dirt roads in poor, third world countries like Haiti. The defecation from all the animals using the road, plus anything that dies on the road turns to dust and Helen's' group breathed a lot of it on they're two hour journey to a far away school. She said they all had handkerchiefs wrapped around their mouths but I guess it doesn't matter much. On last year's trip one of the guys who went contracted D.F. but never had it treated. He just rode it out. I guess it eventually goes away. Yeow! I told her if I had known of this hazard I would have gotten the group a box of decent respirators. We use them at work and a box of 15 I can get for about $16.00. Hindsight is ...

Update

2009-11-25T15:25:00.002-05:00

So this is the latest with Helen; Blood tests confirm no H1N1, no stomach ailment that is known, not even an allergic reaction to the chloroquine. She could still have malaria, even though she took pills to not get it, or it could be a virus, which will just have to work its way out, or who knows. More blood tests on Friday to see if her red and white blood cell count goes up. Right now both are way down, which leaves her very susceptible to any infection. So the two of us are just going to hang low for Thanksgiving. Today she was up for most of the day, hungry as heck but a tuna fish sandwich finally did her in and she's nauseous again. Keep her in your prayers that the Doctors either figure it out or it finally works its way away.

Nasty business

2009-11-23T13:20:00.003-05:00

A small lull in the blogging scene, although I've been reading plenty of them, just not commenting or posting on my own. Helen returned from Haiti last Thursday evening, I picked her up at Logan in Boston. There's always a little getting used to each other every time H returns from a trip but this time was different. By the end of the day Friday she was sick as a poor dog. And of course its the weekend, so its either the emergency room or wait it out until Monday, which we did. Nausea, ache all over and a splitting headache. A trip to Dr. S neither confirmed nor ruled out H1N1, but they did all the swabs and sent her to the lab with everything in a zip lock bag and a particulate respirator to wear when going into the hospital. He said it also could be a bug picked up in Haiti, but she'll have to wait until the tests are done to find out positive. Nasty business, getting sick...